MetaChat - Absolute worst songs to have sex to.

Ha!
Y'know, I've done it. To "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".
It wasn't that bad.

posted by the great big mulp 29 June | 09:47

Now that I think about it, I lost my virginity to that album ...

posted by the great big mulp 29 June | 09:47

anything from Dictionaraoke.org

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 09:48

the great big mulp - you had sex with a They Might Be Giants album?

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 09:48

Heehee. When I saw "absolute worst songs to have sex to", before seeing the 'more inside', I had already picked Doctor Worm by TMBG.

Also, Song of the Fifty States by Animaniacs.

posted by iconomy 29 June | 09:49

Anything by the Pogues (unless you're blind drunk).

posted by BoringPostcards 29 June | 09:50

I've got a couple Karen Finley CDs. Ooh, and that Steven Jesse Bernstein album.

posted by box 29 June | 09:51

And if spoken-word is acceptable, then, geez, where to begin.

posted by box 29 June | 09:51

I would have to say that the recently discussed MacArthur Park would be a lust-killer.

Full disclosure, I have always, including now, really really liked this song. . just not for sex, I don't think.

posted by danf 29 June | 09:54

Dance With My Father Again by Luther Vandross.

posted by iconomy 29 June | 09:55

Two friends of mine claimed to have had sex to "Chemical Warfare" by Slayer.

posted by jonmc 29 June | 09:56

"Cars" by Gary Numan. Or anything by Pepe Aguilar.

posted by deadcowdan 29 June | 09:58

With each other, jon? Or is there a total of four people who've done that?

posted by BoringPostcards 29 June | 09:59

"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"

posted by Atom Eyes 29 June | 09:59

What was that Rage Against the Machine song where they kept repeating, "rally around your family! With a pocket full of shells!" "Bulls on Parade," or something like that?

posted by cobra! 29 June | 10:06

Diamanda Galas springs to mind.

posted by rainbaby 29 June | 10:07

"please stop fucking my mom" by NoFx.

posted by stynxno 29 June | 10:10

danf, I clicked in here to say exactly that. "MacArthur Park," most definitely.

For me, it would mostly be unsexy due to my uncontrollable giggles and eyerolling, though.

posted by Elsa 29 June | 10:10

I'm not seeing a problem with the Slayer or the Gary Numan.

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 10:13

I Don't Want to Live on the Moon, sung by Ernie from Sesame Street.

This came up on a mix playlist once when we were...ahem...in the middle of things. Yeah. That was awkward.

posted by Fuzzbean 29 June | 10:15

"Jesus He Knows Me" - Genesis

posted by Atom Eyes 29 June | 10:18

Ravel's Bolero.

I think 'Bulls on Parade' is kind of hot. It's got a very insistent beat.

posted by iconomy 29 June | 10:18

Ravel's Bolero.

Tried it long ago, even before 10. It was over before any clothes got doffed, even.

posted by danf 29 June | 10:21

In kind of the same category as Bolero, things like 'Let's Get it On,' 'Love Hangover' and whatnot are probably a little too on-the-nose.

posted by box 29 June | 10:21

yeah, iTunes on shuffle can be a real sexkill.
William Hung, William Shatner, Wing, Winger, Ween.

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 10:21

That version of "Jingle Bells" that's done with tonal dog-woofs.

I think 'Bulls on Parade' is kind of hot. It's got a very insistent beat.

Well, I know it's been stuck in my head since I mentioned it...

posted by cobra! 29 June | 10:22

The "I Love You" song from Barney.

Really, any song with children's voices in it.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 29 June | 10:22

R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-38)"

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 10:25

Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Anything with a descending slide whistle in it.

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 10:32

Alanis Morrissette---but really, any of the other current yowlers too.

posted by brujita 29 June | 10:36

Maurice Chevalier - Thank Heaven for Little Girls

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 10:42

"Butterfly Kisses" - Bob Carlisle
"Sunrise, Sunset" - Fiddler On The Roof soundtrack
"Achy Breaky Heart" - Billy Ray Cyrus
"Rubber Duckie" - Ernie
"Why Does The Sun Shine" - They Might Be Giants
"My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

posted by sisterhavana 29 June | 10:42

Oh yeah, and "Tomorrow" by Annie.

posted by sisterhavana 29 June | 10:43

"Honey" / Bobby Goldsboro

posted by taz 29 June | 10:46

I saw Pablo Francisco (stand-up comedian) at the local comedy club, and he did a whole segment on how he would cock-block his asshole roommate by playing songs like these while the roommate was trying to get it on. The most memorable was "Monster Mash". I recall crying from laughter during that segment.

posted by mike9322 29 June | 10:49

Grandma We Love You - By the St Winnifred Choir.

posted by seanyboy 29 June | 10:52

Dead Kennedys - A couple of options.

1) Too Drunk to Fuck.
2) Short Songs.

The latter because even once you've put it on, hopped into bed and had full sex, the song's only half over.

(*rimshot*)

posted by seanyboy 29 June | 10:55

"Rubber Duckie" - Ernie

I don't have a problem with this one. I mean, I'm not putting it on a playlist, but, hey:

You're the one
You make bathtime lots of fun
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of yoooooooou

...

Rubber Duckie, joy of joys
When I squeeze you, you make lots of noise
Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend, it's true!

posted by Elsa 29 June | 10:58

true, dat. I could get it on to Rubber Duckie.

I think.

posted by taz 29 June | 11:00

Oh, I missed the best lines:

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you!

posted by Elsa 29 June | 11:03

"Butterfly Kisses" - Bob Carlisle

Ooo isn't he the one who did the song about the mom and the shoes at Christmas? Soooo depressing.

posted by iconomy 29 June | 11:03

Oh god, iconomy, I cried and cried at that song when it came on the radio a few weeks after my son (a December baby)was born. I mean I had to pull the car over and the rest of my family thought I had permanently lost it. Eeesh.

To add to the tape though, any 1940s/50s cowboy song with yodelling. Bonus if it has serious terrifying barbershop type harmonies in between the yodelling. I know this because once, uh, the radio was on? And some yodelling suddenly came on? And, uh, we sort of came apart in the laughter and all? Heh. Trust me. Yodelling + sex = uncontrollable giggling.

posted by mygothlaundry 29 June | 11:10

send in the clowns...

that is all...

posted by Schyler523 29 June | 11:16

yes. send in the clowns... wow. No Way.

posted by taz 29 June | 11:25

I was "busy" with a bf while winamp was randomly playing my mp3 collection when Eddie Murphy's Delirious came on. It killed the mood pretty darned quick.

posted by LunaticFringe 29 June | 11:36

I don't think I could keep, uh, a straight face if Prince's Sexy Motherfucker came on. It's not a bad tune and it's not unsexy, but it would just seem awkward somehow.

posted by danostuporstar 29 June | 11:45

Creepy Eyes Wide Shut orgy scene piano music

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 11:50

And if spoken-word is acceptable, then, geez, where to begin.

I have this Charles Bukowski CD...

posted by halonine 29 June | 12:03

I don't think I could keep, uh, a straight face if Prince's Sexy Motherfucker came on.

Ha! It's my husband's theme song (yes. he's like us. completely goofy.). I could totally rock it to Sexy Motherfucker.

posted by taz 29 June | 12:03

"You've got a Friend in Me" by Randy Newman. Also on the "Greatest Songs to Do it to" list.

posted by ColdChef 29 June | 12:04

The only album that comes to mind having been vetoed was 1999 by Prince, which you'd think would work, but was too silly.

Oh, and a previous girlfriend vetoed Simon and Garfunkel as "Old man music."

posted by klangklangston 29 June | 12:06

"Havin' My Baby," Paul Anka.

posted by kat allison 29 June | 12:09

As much as I love the song, there's no way to keep a straight face when Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" comes up in shuffle in medias res.

posted by dersins 29 June | 12:11

We Are The World - Various Artists
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes - Frank Zappa
You're Breakin' My Heart - Harry Nilsson
Me and a Gun - Tori Amos
Seasons in the Sun - Terry Jacks
My Humps - The Black Eyed Peas

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 29 June | 12:17

Perhaps unintuitive, but I'd say, Closer, in as much that I don't need an adolescent meta-commentary on my current activities. Same deal for Love in an Elevator.

Tijuana Taxi breaks my concentration in any context. Oh, and that Benny Hill chase song, Yakety Sax.

posted by Skwirl 29 June | 12:18

Oh, and that Benny Hill chase song, Yakety Sax.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

posted by dersins 29 June | 12:19

Sgt. Barry Sadler - Ballad of the Green Berets

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 12:22

this is the funniest list ever; It really should be a mix.

posted by taz 29 June | 12:25

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

I feel like we need some empirical experimentation. Any volunteers?

posted by Skwirl 29 June | 12:32

Rocked by Rape - The Evolution Control Committee
Slip It In - Black Flag

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 12:42

Muleskinner Blues by anyone.

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 12:43

LMAO @ Atom Eyes! And this whole thread, really.

I'd say any soundtrack to a Pixar film. And maybe some Partridge Family.

posted by chewatadistance 29 June | 13:09

Anything with Fred Durst on vocals. Mainly because vomiting during the act can be seen as a turnoff, at least by most.

posted by weretable and the undead chairs 29 June | 13:10

Nobody's mentioned any of these yet!

"Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy..."

"Doin' the Pigeon" by Bert

"Black Angels" by the Kronos Quartet

"The Rite of Spring" on kazoo and ukelele

Star Trek fighting music

"You Came on My Pillow" by Monty Python pretending to be John Denver

Leave it to Beaver theme

posted by ROU Xenophobe 29 June | 13:20

I feel like we need some empirical experimentation. Any volunteers?

Bunnystock II is the perfect venue for this sort of thing. It's SCIENCE.

posted by mike9322 29 June | 13:23

30 Foot Fall - Constipation

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 13:37

György Ligeti’s Requiem; part of which accompanies the discovery of the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

posted by misteraitch 29 June | 13:37

Theme from M.A.S.H.
Is That All There Is? - Peggy Lee
My Way - Anybody, but particularly Nina Hagen (and pretty much any other NH song) and Sid Vicious
She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby
Theme from Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Time Has Come Today - Chambers Brothers
Choral Nr. 1 - Les Swingle Singers

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 13:47

Tiptoe Through the Tulips by Tiny Tim

Also, anything by Pat Boone.

posted by SassHat 29 June | 13:50

"hard candy cock" by g.g. allin.

actually, anything by g.g. allin.

note to hellbient: as a contributor of several tracks to the dictionaroake project, i can assure you that sex was far from anyone's minds when that thing was going on. in fact, having someone in maxim magazine declare that my version of "bohemian rhapsody" was one of the worst cover songs of all time was almost as good as most sex i've ever had.

posted by syntax 29 June | 13:51

I still know all of the words to Rubber Ducky. :)

I'm gonna have to go with Shirley Temple singing Good Ship Lollipop.

posted by miss lynnster 29 June | 13:55

Science Girl and I once had our festivities curtailed by her upstairs neighbor blasting "Like A Virgin" at a particularly inopportune moment. We spent the remainder of the evening giggling.

posted by bmarkey 29 June | 13:58

Get a Job - Silhouettes (or ShaNaNa for that matter - just try and get Bowzer's adam's apple out of your mind)

syntax - Bohemian Rhapsody comes on my iPod (why the hell is it on there to begin with???) now and then (just yesterday, actually). I can only stand 10 or 15 seconds of it, but yeah, brilliant(ly horrible).

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 14:00

That one track from Bjork's Drawing Restraint 9 soundtrack where a guy chants in throaty Japanese for 9 minutes.

posted by matildaben 29 June | 14:00

Anything by Current 93, Nurse With Wound, Sickness of Snakes, etc. Deeply unsexy music.

posted by Lentrohamsanin 29 June | 14:01

Woo Hoo - The 5 6 7 8s
Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
Sex (I'm A...) - Berlin
How Long (Has This Been Going On) - Ace
Muskrat Love - Captain & Tennille
Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
At Seventeen - Janis Ian
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
Ironic - Alanis Morissette
88 Lines About 44 Women - Nails
anything by Josh Millard

Almost everything from the Dr. Demento compilation albums (scattered throughout my music library and very 'shuffle-accessible')... Der Fuhrer's Face, Shaving Cream, They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Haa, Fish Heads, The Purple People Eater, Dead Puppies, The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun - although, surprisingly, most of Weird Al's catalog is NOT a moodkiller.

posted by wendell 29 June | 14:04

syntax - Bohemian Rhapsody comes on my iPod (why the hell is it on there to begin with???) now and then (just yesterday, actually). I can only stand 10 or 15 seconds of it, but yeah, brilliant(ly horrible).

heh heh. imagine spending several hours listening to that over and over again. :)

i still think the best ones i did were "highway to hell" and "little fluffy clouds"

posted by syntax 29 June | 14:09

"Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy..."

Ironic, as it's a song about oral sex.

posted by Joe Invisible 29 June | 14:25

"Tom Sawyer" - Rush

posted by Atom Eyes 29 June | 14:26

Cecil Taylor, or less obtuse

Metal Machine Music.

both of which I like under specific circumstances but....

posted by edgeways 29 June | 14:35

Sharon, Lois & Bram - Skinnamarink
Raffi - Shake My Sillies Out

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 14:38

At Seventeen - Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen,
A girl must keep her privates clean. . .

posted by danf 29 June | 14:45

Let's Get Physical - Olivia Newton John
When a Man Loves a Woman - Michael Bolton
Get Down Make Love - Queen
Everybody Dance Now - C + C Music Factory
Through the Years - Kenny Rogers
(I Got Spurs That) Jingle, Jangle, Jingle - Gene Autry

Lentrohamsanin - For Nurse With Wound, it really depends. Some of his stuff could work, IMO, but yeah, certainly not Chance Meeting...

edgeways - I'd go against you on MMM, for it's trance-inducing properties. And as long as you can keep visions of Lou out of your head.

syntax - I think you're right on with those two, H2H especially.

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 14:51

'Lay Lady Lay'
'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy'

posted by box 29 June | 15:02

Red Sovine - Teddy Bear
Boxcar Willie - Hobo Til I Die
Slim Whitman - Indian Love Call

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 15:04

Singing in the Rain - Fred Astaire (works by itself, but the Clockwork Orange imagery that is conjured makes it extra cringe-worthy)
I Like to Move It - Real 2 Real
Just a Friend - Biz Markie
Rock-n-Roll Part II - Gary Glitter
Jeopardy thinking music
Centerfield - John Fogerty
Pressure, We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel
It Ain't Me Babe - Bob Dylan

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 15:36

Heh, Centerfield ftw.

posted by danostuporstar 29 June | 15:38

Most anything from Ween's first few albums would probably be pretty unpleasant to have sex to.

posted by the great big mulp 29 June | 16:30

The Entertainer - Scott Joplin

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 16:42

Anything by Captain Beefheart.

posted by Specklet 29 June | 16:49

Anything by Spike Jones.

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 16:51

Bolero

posted by dabitch 29 June | 17:02

"Barbie Girl" by Aqua.

posted by me3dia 29 June | 17:04

Oh, and the themesong from "Fat Albert."
HEY HEY HEY!

posted by me3dia 29 June | 17:05

Eye of the Tiger - Survivor
Theme from Rocky
The Touch - Stan Bush
Footloose, Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
Magic Man - Heart
Feels Like the First Time, I Wanna Know What Love Is - Foreigner
Puttin' on the Ritz - Taco

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 17:06

Oh god that midi is awful! *kills self*

posted by dabitch 29 June | 17:06

HEY HEY HEY!

posted by Hellbient 29 June | 17:16

Koyanisqaatsi - Philip Glass
Shrivel Up - Devo
Swelling Itching Brain - Devo
Why Does it Hurt When I Pee? - Frank Zappa

posted by doctor_negative 29 June | 17:33

The theme from I Dream of Jeannie.

posted by chewatadistance 29 June | 17:50

"They Saved Hilter's Cock" - The Angry Samoans.

posted by mullacc 29 June | 17:54

Orgasm Addict - The Buzzcocks
Foggy Mountain Breakdown - Flatt & Scruggs
The main theme from Psycho
Theme from Jaws
Baby Elephant Walk
The Star Spangled Banner (although Science Girl once told me that when she was 19 or so, she and some friends went to see Woodstock in the theater; during the sequence of Jimi Hendrix playing The Star Spangled Banner, they noticed that the guy sitting in front of them was masturbating quite vigorously to the music. So I guess it can be done.)

posted by bmarkey 29 June | 18:07

Puttin' on the Ritz - Taco

Puttin' on the Ritz -- Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle. OOOPER LOOOPER!

Ironic, as it's a song about oral sex.

But that don't make it sexy.

Also:

Young Girl, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap

posted by ROU Xenophobe 29 June | 18:15

Circus music.

posted by ethylene 29 June | 18:25

Father Of Mine - Everclear

A fantastic song, but utterly inappropriate. I once saw a stripper strip to it and it gave me major squick. I dunno what the DJ was thinking.

posted by jonmc 29 June | 18:27

Yes! We have no bananas.

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 18:31

Strange Fruit - Billie Holiday

posted by bmarkey 29 June | 18:34

The Rose - Bette Middler

posted by Specklet 29 June | 18:36

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!! - Napoleon XIV

posted by jonmc 29 June | 18:39

Let the Eagle Soar - John Ashcroft

posted by bmarkey 29 June | 18:51

Oedipus Rex - Tom Lehrer

posted by jonmc 29 June | 18:52

Forgotten Rebels - FMD

posted by jonmc 29 June | 18:55

Dueling Banjos (from Deliverance) - Eric Weissberg

posted by jonmc 29 June | 18:59

Who was that rapping toddler that was a one-hit wonder in France? (Googles) Ah, Jordie. Haven't heard the song, but seems like a safe bet.

posted by box 29 June | 19:09

The Candyman - Sammy Davis, Jr.
The 1812 Overture
The Superchicken theme song

posted by bmarkey 29 June | 19:25

When my honey was still living in an engineering fraternity house as an alumni (Theta Tau), one of the guys in the room neighboring his would often do it with his woman to some appalling tunes.

Eye of the Tiger and Johnny Cash's Sam Hall spring to mind along with some misogynist rap whose titles I don't know.

It was a source of some amusement.

That couple has now been married for over a year.

posted by lilywing13 29 June | 19:49

Let the Eagle Soar - John Ashcroft

is there any such thing as music-induced erectile dysfunction?

because i think i have it now.

posted by syntax 29 June | 20:22

The Hokey Pokey

posted by jason's_planet 29 June | 20:31

'you stick your right nut in, you take your right nut out...'

posted by jonmc 29 June | 21:57

Bobby Goldsboro - Watching Scotty Grow
The Dead Milkmen - Watching Scotty Die

posted by arse_hat 29 June | 23:32

Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears
Convoy - Jerry Reed

posted by Hellbient 30 June | 11:09

'Tainted Love' - the cover by Coil, which has been changed from something dancey to a dirge. A few other songs by Coil come to mind - 'The Pope Held Upside Down' and their remix of Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer'.

'Dogs Blood Rising' - Current 93. One of the single most evil albums I've ever heard.

'Unclean' - Psychic TV. This is a 45rpm EP. If you have this, play it at 33-1/3. No really. And play it really loud and the subsonics will cause babies to cry and milk to curdle. Demonic!

posted by Zack_Replica 30 June | 11:19

oops. I meant 'Gave Up', not 'Closer'.

posted by Zack_Replica 30 June | 11:23

PEOPLE! The "oogly oogly oogly fun fun fun!" song from Chuck and Buck. That song will not only harsh your Freak On, but may even cause permanent sterility.

*shiver*

I have spoken.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 30 June | 11:27

What the hell... links to the songs. Unfortunately, not only do I not have PTV's 'Unclean', but I don't have a (working) record player to record it with anyways.
Coil: "Tainted Love" "The Pope Held Upside Down" "Gave Up"
Current 93: "From Broken Cross, Locusts"

Just as a note, Tainted Love gets even more depressing when you take in to account that it is (for this release) about AIDS. Coil took all proceeds from the EP and put them to an AIDS trust.

posted by Zack_Replica 30 June | 11:50

Anything with a descending slide whistle in it.

When I said this I should have said Steve Reich's "Music for 18 Descending Slide Whistles"*

*this will happen. stay tuned.

posted by Hellbient 30 June | 12:09

Anything by Spiritualized would debonerize me in seconds flat.

posted by KevinSKomsvold 01 July | 00:01

it is usually sex that interferes with my music listening. not vice versa.

okay, dont mind me, I am only kidding.

posted by carmina 01 July | 00:15

You Just Like Me 'Cos I'm Good in Bed, by Skyhooks? At 3:44, it's a little long for me, anyway.

posted by dg 02 July | 02:26

When I was a kid, my parents used to torture me with Bob Seger's music. I told my friend and neighbour Ron of my aversion to 'Against The Wind' (in particular) and he later used that knowledge against me... one night, when I was having sex with my girlfriend, he got his guitar and started singing that awful song through the paper thin wall. Let's just say that I had performance issues.

Bastard.

posted by chuckdarwin 05 July | 05:20

29 June 2007