Well that's a helluva lot better than Miller's Man Laws.
I'm also reassured to know that there will be a magazine waiting for me when I finally admit to being a drunkard.

I've started hanging out in divey bars recently. Much better than frou frou faux-pubs or dance clubs. Number 41 is especially true.

Muddgirl, if you're ever in Austin, check out the Poodle Dog on Burnet (assuming it's still there). It's divey with a capital DIVE. The beer sucks and it's canned, but they have a bunch of pool tables. Cool place. (Or was, 5 years ago.)

Yep. I agree with most of those rules.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

I hate that. I'm sorry, but I do. I don't spend three minutes thinking of obscure things to salute before taking a swig of my beer.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

Amen.

Good post, jonmc.

That was much better than I expected. You know every bartender is eventually going to see this, so I'm glad I read it. As usual, I have a few things to say.

They forgot at least two:
Never ask for, or even expect a buy back.
If you knock someone's drink over, no matter how empty, you must buy them another one. Unless they put it on your chair.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
I'd love to say this were true, but it is most definitely not.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
I'll go with the former, but I don't agree with the latter.

A few of these I've been guilty of, but some things you learn the hard way:
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
Agreed with enthusiasm. The DJ is not a jukebox.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you...To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
I call bullshit on this one. Small change is especially valuable if there's a jukebox or video games in the bar. And money's money.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
Unless the bartender's a douche, and they happen to have Richard Marx on the jukebox. But it has to be the same song and you must leave before the first one is over.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
Uh, I've done this. But I'm an idiot.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
I used to love doing this. Heh.

Thanks for the post, you drunkard.

you take that back....

*hurls fifth of Jack*

Fabulous, thanks jonmc! *swirls oversized brandy snifter*

treepour, gay dudes are excluded from the 'girly-man' rules as long as they act girly in a manly fashion, if that makes any sense. besides, no matter what you drink you still wind up puking in the alley and yelling obscenities, right?

Cheers jon!

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you...To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
I call bullshit on this one. Small change is especially valuable if there's a jukebox or video games in the bar. And money's money.

Hellbient, I'm with you on this one, but remember that I live in a country that has both $1 and $2 coins.

This may be enjoyable as well. I found it around the same time, and I don't know where I found either. Again, Cheers!

Grrr. While I agree with many of the sentiments, I'm put off by the fact that apparently only men drink.

ah...yes...this is good.

but i only have one beer!!!

While I agree with many of the sentiments, I'm put off by the fact that apparently only men drink.

That's because the woman in #74 waited too long to place her order.

#23 should either be "girls/boys" or "women/men," though.

I enjoy drinkers and the world of drinking, but I don't like the drinks themselves very much. Or being drunk. Oh, how I wish this were not the case.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

Amen. The bartender lives on those ones and fives. They pay his or her rent. If you're too fookin' stingy to cough up the occasional dollar bill on a five or six dollar pint, you should do your drinking at home.

And I've been that broke before.

I'm put off by the fact that apparently only men drink.

I hear ya, but I think it's part of the bit.

I knows a guy who tried to convince me to only tip a dollar on a (nice) bottle of wine, "Because it's less work than even a single mixed drink!"

I don't like that guy.

While I agree with many of the sentiments, I'm put off by the fact that apparently only men drink.

Modern Drunkard = retro-machismo.

That's their schtick.

I'm put off by the fact that apparently only men drink.

Well, the target audience definitely seems to be male, so it makes sense the list would be written with that audience in mind.

But that raises the question -- why is the target audience necessarily male? I'm reminded of something I heard at a feminist writer's lecture once: there are certain kinds of excess which, in men (e.g., Hemmingway, Pollack, Bukowski), is considered "character" and, in women, is considered pathological. (And, unfortunately, I don't recall her examples of "pathologically excessive" women artists/writers).

Oh guys, I know that. I know it's targetting men. But I would really like to see something similar targetting women. Like, I like beer. I like to drink the beer. i like to drink jack. You know?

(yeah, treepour, that's kind of what I was getting at, albeit in a brusque kind of way that expected you to read my mind)

gaspode, I'll do the web programming if you want to come up with something like that. I've put a few lit magazimes online, so it wouldn't be a huge stretch to put a different kind of zine up.

Seems Modern Drunkard's angle is to hark back to a time when alcohol was considered a more integral and less inherently pathological part of daily life. I wonder what the equivalent would be for a women's version of something like that . . . ?

i'd help do it. Probably very 50's housewife sex kitten cocktail hipster.

Yep. ethylene's got it. Mother's little helpers and shredded glass in the tuna casserole.

Cool, love it! So we've got the theme, what's next? Layout/design?