Eurovision recap →[More:]Well the songs have all been performed and most are totally forgettable, with just a few standouts, either for their awfulness or their awesomeness. Some are awesomely awful.

There's only a few big Euroballads this year, but that tends to be the speciality of the Western European countries and most of them have failed to qualify this year. Eastern Europe dominates the contest this year.

The bad:

Ireland - folky song, terrible singer.
Slovenia - big shouty song.
Lithuania - dull, dull, dull, like a girl in her bedroom performing for her webcam pals.
Sweden - looked and sounded like a bad pub band, c.1972.
Russia - trying too hard.
Ukraine - Like Elton John on acid.
UK - f'ing terrible.
Romania - manic singing, bad dancing, just bad all round.
Turkey - Oh dear. Wanted so hard to be hip but missed it by a mile.
Moldova - My ears!

By far, far and away the worst of the night was the French song. Words cannot describe how bad this is.

The good:

Hungary. A bluesy song, no fancy arrangement, just a voice and a band. I really liked this.

And I'm surprised to say that I liked the German entry. Well, the last bit of it anyway. A big band swing song, the part sung in German sounded horrible, but when he switched to English, it was really rather good.

It's the interval now. There's semi-naked cellists, fire eaters, trapeze artists and it's very, very loud. Oh good, it's stopped.

If the UK wins, I will shag my upstairs neighbour and post the video on YouTube.