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10 May 2007

The Let's Give Inadequate Advice thread [More:]"I weigh 400 pounds. What should I do?"

"Well, I'm a few pounds overweight myself, and I've found that all you need to do is wear V-neck wraparound tops. Works wonders!"
My mom gives advice like, "just smile", or "drink some water", or "get some sun on your head" to a myriad of problems. It's a running joke in my family. If a problem comes up, we all kid to "drink more water!" My four-year old walks on tiptoes some of the time, and I'm a little concerned that he hasn't outgrown it by now. She said, "He's happy walking on his tiptoes. You do it! Try it, you can't help but to smile. It makes you happy!" Of course, we walked on our tiptoes and started smiling.
posted by LoriFLA 10 May | 21:12
Heh, Lori. My mom was "take a nap and you'll feel better" and "soak it in warm water." Once, my sisters and I were rocking out to some ABBA on our portable Disco record player and I tripped and cracked my head open on the radiator. She told me to soak it in warm water and the whole tub turned red with blood. At the hospital I was given eight stitches and instructions not to sleep too long due to a probable concussion. Way to be wise, old woman!
posted by jrossi4r 10 May | 21:19
'Just be yourself,' is pretty much the most inadequate and worst advice one can recieve in just about any situation. I've been myself my whole life and look where it's gotten me.
posted by jonmc 10 May | 21:21
jrossi and jonmc you both just cracked me up.
posted by LoriFLA 10 May | 21:36
"Grow up" and/or "act your age". Not only inadequate, but completely fucking wrong.
posted by dg 10 May | 21:55
This is the most inadequate advice I've ever gotten. Drain the fluids in the tub? Yeah, sorry, bleach doesn't really remove the blood traces from your drainage. Then you end up with cops at your door and that just means more bodies to dispose of. Like I need that kind of hassle.

I've heard, though, that you're supposed to wash any blood off your hands in the toilet (it's the only water line out of a house they don't trace, supposedly. YMMV; I have not tested this). My mother told me that when I was a young boy, in case I wanted to murder anyone violently when I grew up. Bless her sweet, misguided heart, but I grow older, I find violent murder to be so gauche.
posted by Eideteker 10 May | 22:03
Eideteker, the water from the toilet ends up in the same pipes as everything else, so that won't work.
posted by dg 10 May | 22:05
Defragment your hard drive.
posted by disclaimer 10 May | 22:16
Run around the block!

Ignore them - they'll get bored and quit.

Stand up to them - they'll see you're self-confident and it'll take all the fun out of it.

Don't take it so hard!

Don't take it personally!

posted by Miko 10 May | 22:21
My mother is always trying to tell me I should wear suits to work. My team leaders do not wear suits. My director does not often wear suits. Even the president of the company where I work do not wear suits all the time. There's one woman at my level who wears suits and it looks totally out of place.
posted by Orange Swan 10 May | 22:41
Ignore them - they'll get bored and quit.

This is the most inadequate advice I've been given.

No, wait... When I was a kid my mom was taking a nap. My sister and I were hungry and too young to make much for ourselves. We tried to wake her up and asked for something to eat. She entered that strange state between dreaming and awake and told us to eat a chair. That was pretty inadequate.
posted by youngergirl44 10 May | 23:06
Gargle with warm salt water.
posted by wimpdork 10 May | 23:18
/half delirious with a fever/ "Clean up your room and take a bath. It'll make you feel better" Noo cunt mother...maybe YOU, not me.
"See how the troll from Broom Hilda doesn't have his hair in his eyes?"
"Call the girl from 7th grade PE (who you barely know) right now!"
posted by brujita 10 May | 23:22
Drink this. It'll help.
posted by elizard 10 May | 23:35
Walk it off.
posted by arse_hat 10 May | 23:39
Just don't provoke it and you'll be fine. But if you do provoke it, keep moving and it won't be able to get a hold of you. But if it does get a hold of you, don't let it get to your throat. But if it does get to your throat, slow your breathing until you can get to a trauma ward. You should be fine, really. Now go pet it. I'll take your picture with it. Go on.
posted by Slack-a-gogo 10 May | 23:48

In every single AskMe weight loss thread someone takes it upon themselves to pronounce very seriously that to lose weight one must take in fewer calories than they burn. Cracks me up every time.

Most common inadequate AskMe advice? "Run!"
posted by taz 11 May | 00:48
Run, don't walk, away from your [boy|girl]friend!
posted by knave 11 May | 01:09
This is a bad idea, don't do it.
posted by magikker 11 May | 01:22
Yes, Knave!

Q: "My girlfriend has a pimple on her nose; how can I help her to feel better?"

A: Run! If she has a pimple now, she might have a scar later!

Q: My boyfriend once had a previous girlfriend, and this makes me feel jealous. How can I get over my fears?

A: Run! I once had a boyfriend who had a previous girlfriend, and I know what I'm talking about.

Q: My husband doesn't understand me.

A: Run! If he doesn't understand you now, he'll never understand you.

Q: My wife's 40th birthday is next week, what can I get her as a special gift?

A: Run! The bitch is old!
posted by taz 11 May | 01:26
From Bigger and Blacker:

Chris Rock: When I was a kid, I had to be near-death to see a doctor, so my daddy got into the habit of putting Robitussin on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!
[Impersonating his father and himself]
"Daddy, I got asthma!"
"Well here, take some Robitussin!"
"Daddy, I got cancer!"
"Here, take some Robitussin!"
"Daddy, I broke my leg!"
"Here, put some Robitussin on it ... that's right, let the Robitussin sink in there."
posted by rob511 11 May | 01:59
Hi, taz! See? No puns!
posted by rob511 11 May | 02:01
Get a lawyer.
posted by mullacc 11 May | 02:02
"You need to go to sleep earlier."

Mum's idea of an appropriate bedtime is something like 9pm.
posted by casarkos 11 May | 02:32
"Drink some 7Up."

posted by PY 11 May | 02:38
I love this thread.

I have my eye on you, rob511.
posted by taz 11 May | 02:51
Oh, a cyclops, eh? nyuk, nyuk!
posted by rob511 11 May | 03:35
"Mash it just once to set the choke."
"Neither a borrower or a lender be."
"Don't take any wooden nickels."
"Save the last dance for me."
"Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys."
"In case of fire, break glass."
"Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
"A sharp knife is a safe knife."
"Love will keep us together."
"Send money, guns and lawyers."
"Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device."
"That ought to hold it."

And my personal favorite:

"Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."
posted by paulsc 11 May | 05:04
An armed society is a polite society.
posted by bmarkey 11 May | 05:21
Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.

The entire set of cabin emergency instructions "in the event of an unscheduled landing" always seems like inadequate advice. I don't really know what true advice for enduring and hopefully surviving a plane crash might be, but it's got to be a little more than "remain calm and make your way to the nearest exit," and the like.

On the suspicion that there was more to it than that, I just looked around and found a couple of interesting links with some more substantive information on airline cabin emergencies. You can see why they don't go into this on the plane, or every flight would start with you getting good and freaked out. Counting the rows to the exit is a good tip I wouldn't have thought of.
posted by Miko 11 May | 06:56
There was an Economist article a while ago about what a preflight safety announcement would sound like if airlines were honest about safety. Here it is, but I think you'll need a subscription.

The bit I remembered:
Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.
posted by matthewr 11 May | 07:58
There's only one thing you need to know.
posted by box 11 May | 08:00
What Miko said. Yeah, like any of that ever worked.

Issues? I don't have no stinkin' issues!
posted by deborah 11 May | 12:43
It'll pass.

It happens to the best of us.

It could be worse.
posted by chewatadistance 11 May | 13:13
chewatadistance's also happen to sound kind of reassuring
posted by PY 11 May | 23:17
Wendell's Off the Wall and On the Radio || I am all dressed up with no place to go.