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03 May 2007

This is a pissed off thread. [More:]I have these two friends, G and A, who are mother and daughter. I've known them for 8, 9 years or so, through AA, they're both in recovery. G used to live about 1/2 mile away and whenever she visited me, she used to say "if ever a ground floor flat comes up for sale here, let me know". Well, one did come up for sale, and she moved in about a year ago, just across the street. We aren't in one another's pockets, but we go to AA meetings together, have dinner together once a week, coffee a couple of times a week, we help each other out with shopping, domestic stuff that might need two people, etc.

I did my scuba training with A, we roomed together on dive weekends to Stoney Cove, a UK dive site, spent a lot of time together, got to know each other pretty well. She moved down to Surrey (about 70 miles from here) about 2 years ago when she met her now-fiance, but we keep in touch through emails and on the phone, meet up from time to time when we're both in London on the same day, and when her mum moved across the street, I see her when she visits, she calls in on me too.

Whenever G goes down to Surrey to visit A, I feed her cats for her. For a while after A got engaged at Christmas all the talk was wedding this, wedding that, dresses, rings, cakes, bridesmaids, etc. It was obviously going to be the wedding of the year, A's talked for years before she met her fiance about how she imagines her wedding day to be. Bridezilla, I think the phrase is.

Then, after a few weeks of non-stop wedding talk from both G and A, whenever I asked how the planning was going, it'd be all "oh, it's just going to be a small ceremony, just family" and generally evasive answers about whether they'd fixed a date. I thought maybe A and fiance were having second thoughts.

So, a couple of weeks ago G asked me if I could feed the cats for her over a few different dates. She emailed me the dates. It was last weekend, this weekend and the weekend after. Yes fine, no problem. She'll look in on my cats when I'm in NYC.

I was just talking on the phone to another friend who also knows both G and A, and she said how much she'd enjoyed last weekend and was looking forward to the next two weekends. It turns out that last weekend there was a 'spa day' for the bridal party, this weekend is the 'hen weekend' to Ireland (bachelorette party) and next weekend is the wedding. This friend said "I know it takes a great weight of G's mind that you're there to feed the cats for her."

I phoned another friend after that, someone who I know is acquainted with G and A, but who isn't a close friend of theirs. She's going. It turns out that the wedding is huge, and just about everyone in our circle has been invited. The only conclusions I can draw are either that I haven't been asked because if I went on the hen weekend and to the wedding (which is in Surrey) there'd be nobody available to feed the cats or they don't want me there (or both).

This sounds like really whiny shit, but I'm both angry and hurt.
I'm sorry, jan! That sucks.
posted by occhiblu 03 May | 15:18
No, I think you're allowed a whine over this. That's pretty darned crap of them.
posted by chrismear 03 May | 15:18
I don't think it sounds whiny at all. It's really shitty of her to be evasive about this. I'd be hurt and pissed off too. Recently something similar happened to me. One of my good friends from St. Louis, who I've known for 15 years or so, emailed me to announce he was getting married in the spring. I expected an invitation, but never got one. Then he wrote me earlier this week and said, "I'm sure Bryan [mutual friend] told you all about our wedding..." blah blah blah. So it's already come and gone, and I wasn't invited. Sheesh.
posted by smich 03 May | 15:20
You are not whiny. However, G and A are totally sucky people for not inviting you.
posted by dabitch 03 May | 15:24
Oh no they didn't.

That's so low. Jan you are allowed to whine, as well as bitch, moan, and complain about this. That's such crap. I can't beleive that they would not invite you for the sole purpose of having someone to watch the cats.

Ugh. Now I am pissed off.

I oughta fly over there and give them a piece of my mind.

(My pre/post-exam stress is so high that I'm dying to take it out on someone. As a precaution, I've brought you all eggshell-shoes.)
posted by CitrusFreak12 03 May | 15:27
Ouch :-( That sucks.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 May | 15:36
Oh. My. God.

Please tell me that you're going to call these people. I can't believe this shit.
posted by iconomy 03 May | 15:37
That's just shitty behavior. Sorry Jan.
posted by arse_hat 03 May | 15:37
Ugh, Jan. I would be really hurt! I would never ever talk to them again! Or I would TP their house! Emergency meeting of the EssexJan Fan Club!

I have two terribly vindictive ideas: The first is to schedule a nice big weekend away and cancel your plans to watch their cats: "Oh, I'm sorry! Something's come up!"

The second is to send a big, lavish, and completely non-useful wedding present. Like a singing bird bath.
posted by muddgirl 03 May | 15:40
The second is to send a big, lavish, and completely non-useful wedding present. Like a singing bird bath.


Oh that's beautiful, muddgirl.

Jan, I would feel incredibly hurt, as well as pissed off, in your situation. These people suck.
posted by gaspode 03 May | 15:43
I need follow up on this. I hope you aren't planning on watching their cats. Can you find someone else to watch yours while you're in NYC?

How the eff could they possibly think you wouldn't ever speak to anyone else invited to the wedding? This just boggles my mind.
posted by iconomy 03 May | 15:45
Wow, I'd be pissed and hurt as well! I'm sorry, Jan, that's really terrible.

The idea of taking a weekend for yourself and telling them you can't take care of the cats is a good one.

At the very least, I suggest you write a letter (after the wedding) and tell them you thought it was pretty sucky you weren't invited, and had a hunch that it was just to watch the cats, and point out how incredibly rude and thoughtless and disrespectful that is.
posted by Specklet 03 May | 15:47
That's pretty reprehensible. In that situation, I would invite them to find someone else to feed their cats.
posted by King of Prontopia 03 May | 15:51
OooH, OOooH, I love the idea of a lavish weekend off that just happens to be the weekend that you promised to watch their cats. Or work! Nobody can argue with "I have a seminar-weekend" or whatever. Flake out on them with good reason!

The thing is, we suspect that jan wasn't invited because of the cat-watching issue, but we don't really know. And if one isn'tinvited to the wedding, does one have to send gifts? I like the birdbath idea tho. ;)
posted by dabitch 03 May | 15:53
I like the idea of a horrible wedding present. There are some spectacularly sucky Indian gift shops in Walthamstow, they sell things like those really tacky moving waterfall pictures, and indoor fountains featuring cherubs.

I've agreed to feed the cats these dates, so I'll keep that commitment. But never again. There's plenty of people on my cat-feeding rota, and as my girls eat Hill's dried food, they only need a visit every other day and they don't have a litter tray, they have their little door to go out when they want so they go in the forest. I don't need G to feed them.

And yes, dabitch, maybe there's another reason. Perhaps they don't like me and don't want me at the wedding. I can't know. I'm not one of these people who goes through life believing everyone thinks I'm wonderful and everybody loves me. But I've always got on well with G and A, or so I thought, so this does seem at odds with that.
posted by essexjan 03 May | 16:04
Oh man. That seriously sucks. Here--*wrestles in pocket*--you get the pissed-off hat for the day. Totally entitled.
posted by Fuzzbean 03 May | 16:08
Nooo, that's not what I meant Jan, it can't be that they don't like you, our goddess of hilarious images! I was thinking more like a really dumb reason, like the bride filled her quota of people to invite and the groom scratched you off the list, or they were single/not-single people around a table or something , yaknow, dumb.

Still you are right to be peeved whatever the reason, since they had you catsit. That's cold man.
posted by dabitch 03 May | 16:25
i dropped a word while editing - "coordinating" goes in ^there somewhere
posted by dabitch 03 May | 16:26
I was just thinking about this as I was doing the dishes.

I work with someone who is always talking about people he is 'really, really good friends' with, including people in my team who I know he doesn't see outside the office. He also talks this way about previous work colleagues, none of whom he saw socially (unless there was a leaving or birthday drink for someone where everyone was invited) and who he hasn't seen since he left his old job.

He thinks he and I are 'really really good friends'. We are co-workers.

Maybe this is how it is with me and G & A - what I perceive to be a friendship they see as something else, an acquaintanceship.
posted by essexjan 03 May | 16:31
Maybe this is how it is with me and G & A - what I perceive to be a friendship they see as something else, an acquaintanceship.

Umm...

we go to AA meetings together, have dinner together once a week, coffee a couple of times a week, we help each other out with shopping, domestic stuff that might need two people, etc.

I don't think that's anything like the coworker you mentioned.
posted by CitrusFreak12 03 May | 16:48
No, CF, it is different, but what I meant was that maybe out of my own neediness I am projecting 'friendship' onto what G sees as a much more casual situation - someone convenient to have around when the cats need feeding or to hold the fence panel still while she hammers the nail into it, that sort of thing.
posted by essexjan 03 May | 17:00
Maybe it's not that you don't have a friendship so much as you don't have a relationship of history, obligations and familial relations that get involved with the stress and expense of wedding stuff.
These extravagant weekend and spa things might be mainly for the bridal party and maybe she has those obsessive bride blinders on--
okay, enough with trying to see the other side, to not even give you an invite might be an oversight with the casual way of your friendship but it's just too rude.
posted by ethylene 03 May | 17:19
maybe out of my own neediness I am projecting 'friendship' onto what G sees as a much more casual situation

I highly doubt that, but even still:

I phoned another friend after that, someone who I know is acquainted with G and A, but who isn't a close friend of theirs. She's going.

Some people are just thoughtless. I don't think you should have to assume you're the one who made some sort of mistake.

::hugs for essexjan::
posted by CitrusFreak12 03 May | 17:19
Just spitballin' here, ej, but I've seen this kind of thing happen when there was going to be some "slippage" by AA/NA folks at events. The first people to be dropped from the guest lists in such circumstances are the people most likely to call bullshit on spiking the punch, so to speak. This was whether or other folks attending were going off the wagon, or not. If A is going to take her wedding night off from sobriety, she may be OK with G seeing it, but not with you there.

I obviously don't know G or A, but, boy, in some circles I used to travel in, I saw this allatime.
posted by paulsc 03 May | 17:20
Well, I think they are taking you for granted and I think you have every right to be pissed off. Good for you for seeing neediness in your own behavior, but I sense you seem to be defending them a little. Please knock that off. You and your feelings come first. What they are doing is indefensible I think that you, as a fellow AA'er, should call them on their selfish bullshit. A nice homecoming gift like some carefully selected passages from the BB or "doctor alcoholic addict" might do them some good.
posted by disclaimer 03 May | 17:24
I was thinking about that, too, paulsc....
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 May | 17:24
Thirding the AA factor.
posted by ethylene 03 May | 17:31
Oh, girl, I feel your pain.

Only, years ago I was feeding my boyfriend's cat. While he was off spending the weekend with another girl. Of course I didn't know about THAT part.

All I can say to your situation, is, try not to take it personally. I think it's pretty crappy of them, but there might be a reason besides them not wanting you there. Kudos to you for not taking it out on the cats. Lord knows I was tempted in my case but I have a special fondness for Maine Coon cats.
posted by bunnyfire 03 May | 17:40
I also think you have every right to be hurt and angry. For them to be evasive and secretive about the wedding plans is incredibly hurtful. I'm sorry essexjan.
posted by LoriFLA 03 May | 17:54
At best, that's hurtful and thoughtless, and I think paulsc brings up a potentially interesting point.

I'm not one of these people who goes through life believing everyone thinks I'm wonderful and everybody loves me.


See, I am. Based on what I read here, I am decidely one of these people who goes through [MeCha] believing everyone thinks Essexjan is wonderful and everybody loves her. Having no evidence to the contrary, this seems a pretty reasonable belief.
posted by Elsa 03 May | 19:34
See, I am. Based on what I read here, I am decidely one of these people who goes through [MeCha] believing everyone thinks Essexjan is wonderful and everybody loves her. Having no evidence to the contrary, this seems a pretty reasonable belief.

Hear hear! Me too, Elsa.
posted by gaspode 03 May | 19:41
me three. Jan is one of the all-time belles of the mecha ball!
posted by scody 03 May | 19:53
EJ, when I get married (yeah, like that's gonna happen) I will make sure to invite you, and not only will I not invite G and A, I will uninvite them. Like, totally physically cross them off the list. With a big fat Sharpie.
posted by deadcowdan 03 May | 21:31
*hugs essexjan*
You've done stuff outside of AA? I'd be TREMENDOUSLY hurt.
posted by brujita 03 May | 23:40
Thanks everyone, for all the advice (and the compliments).

“Oh wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursel's as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, And foolish notion”

I don't think the AA/NA thing is an issue, both A and G have been sober/clean for a long time and there'll be no wagon-tumbling for either of them. But yeah, it hurts.

And I look forward to the MeCha wedding invitations. In fact, the Vegas wedding is probably the best wedding I've ever been to.

Of course, when Eideteker gets married, when they ask if anyone knows of any reason why the marriage should not take place (do they say that in the States? I know they do here) then I'll have to step forward, and sing "It Should Have Been Me!"
posted by essexjan 04 May | 00:48
It sucks, but for whatever reasons they didn't want you at the wedding, and were too embarrassed to tell you that. You don't know why you weren't invited and guessing will only get you so far. Also, in all probability it was A who didn't invite you, so you shouldn't hold that against G. G probably feels like shit about the whole thing.

And I've got friends that I wouldn't invite to certain events. They're friends because I like them and I wouldn't invite them to whatever event because I know that they're not a good match for the other people involved. But, I'd never tell them that.

Tell G to smuggle you out some wedding cake. Tell her you're pissed at A for not inviting you and then leave it.

*but I'm totally not blaming you for being angry. [[hugs the marvelous and beatific e/j]]. *
posted by seanyboy 04 May | 03:39
How ugly. I blame weddings. Weddings tend to turn nice, regular people into bizarre, self-centered wretches who care more about flowers and seed pearls than just about anything else. "Because it's our day! Our special day!" Bah. You can be sure that whatever the real reason is, it will be down to that, and that you weren't the only person dissed.
posted by taz 04 May | 05:27
See, I am. Based on what I read here, I am decidely one of these people who goes through [MeCha] believing everyone thinks Essexjan is wonderful and everybody loves her. Having no evidence to the contrary, this seems a pretty reasonable belief.

Elsa nailed it. I can't imagine anyone not liking you. You're "friends" just really aren't. Assholes. Fucktards. Asshats. Scum sucking bottom dwellers. That's what they are.

I've been through something similar a couple times. It hurts horribly. Big hugs.
posted by deborah 04 May | 14:46
Continuing my theme of extolling the virtues of sweet folks I met at the Vegas meetup, yes, essexjan is indeed delightful. There's no whining here.

All I can say is: what the fuck? Hope it's not a bad omen for this marriage... sometimes mysterious forces keep the stylus of one's charmed karma from hopping into a bad groove.
posted by scarabic 04 May | 18:48
Is there a good response to people who think that making jokes at the expense of || Gentle Moon, Find Them Soon

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