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01 April 2007

What Not To Post to AskMe This thread of deliberately offensive hypothetical AskMe questions is definitely one of my fondest MetaChat/MeFi memories. Does anyone want to revisit it in honour of April Fool's Day? Everyone knows there should be no posting of these questions to AskMe or any other internet helpline site, right?

[More:]I'll lead off:

I'm getting married to a DOCTOR and he's even agreed to waive the prenup. Yay me! But I've got a problem with my bridesmaids. I picked out some totally fat gross bridesmaids and told them they had to wear a form fitting satin sheath dress. I'm going to look so hawt next to them!!!! But then they whined so much about the dress, and that one bitch quit. I wasn't sorry really because she thinks she's so wonderful because she's a large size model or something and a couple of people had the nerve to tell me she's prettier than I am. But anyway, I need another bridesmaid, because it'll ruin my wedding if I don't have those lucky seven bridemaids. So where can I get another fatty (size ten or larger) to stand up for me and help pay for my stagette and bridal shower?
My wife found my girlfriend's lipstick on my ding-a-ling. I told her I'd painted lips on my hand so I when I jerked off I could pretend it was her doing it. She believed me because she's really stupid. But my girlfriends are usually smarter than her, so I don't want this kind of thing to happen again because it could keep me from getting laid as much as I want. I'm a real man so I don't know anything about makeup. What's a kind of lipstick that washes off more easily? If any of you lovely ladies of MeFi will oblige me I'll be glad to let you have your chance with me [wink].
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 09:45
How can I tell my children they'll never have a pet and convince my husband that owning a pet isn't necessary for a happy childhood?

My kids desperately want a cat or dog. The thought of cleaning dog feces or some scraggly cat crawling on my kitchen counters makes my skin crawl. I don't think animals should share living quarters with humans, it's disgusting. Please don't recommend fish or reptiles or rodents. I find aquariums tacky and a rodent living in a cage does not appeal. My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. I never had a pet and I turned out fine.

How can I get the kids and husband off my back once and for all?
posted by LoriFLA 01 April | 10:37
Are all gays going to go to hell?

Plus, why do women have to do everything that MEN do???

posted by hadjiboy 01 April | 10:52
What's the best way to hit my child???

On the face, or the buttocks?
posted by hadjiboy 01 April | 10:53
My son's a pussy: he doesn't eat red meat, drives around in one of those hybrids, and chains himself to trees in order to save them.

How can I cure him of this disease?
posted by hadjiboy 01 April | 10:57
Whose sexier--Paris Hilton, or Britney Spears.

Personally, I like Jessica Simpson.
posted by hadjiboy 01 April | 10:59
I want to go to War in Iraq, and save some of the Iraqis, as our Lord Jesus Christ intended for me to do. Could you all pray for me and hope that I kill a bunch of them terrorists that they've got over there, so that they don't come and kill us here.

PS. Who's
posted by hadjiboy 01 April | 11:04
"...How can I get the kids and husband off my back once and for all?"
posted by LoriFLA 01 April | 10:37

DTMFA, and if doesn't take the brats with him, list them on eBay with their baby pictures, to get the best price in a dutch auction. What? You thought Male Answer Syndrome wouldn't follow stupid AskMe questions, wherever they went?

I have a question about wireless networking. Is it the high frequency, the teensy antennas, or the miniscule power output of WiFi that makes it feel so gay, almost like gaydar, if you catch my drift?
posted by paulsc 01 April | 11:06
My son and daughter-in-law are 26 and 27 years-old, respectively, and have been married for three years. My son's just finishing vet school. They don't have any children. I'm desperate to be a grandma and I'm worried that it's because my son doesn't know the facts of life because I never could bring myself to tell him about them. Would it be poor etiquette to tell my daughter-in-law how to get pregnant and let her tell my son?
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 11:11
More inside from previous question:

Now I know I must come across as a big silly for asking this, but I know it's up to me to solve this problem if I want any grandchildren. Whenever my son and his wife stay at my place or I stay at theirs, I spend most of the night with my ear to the wall listening for sounds of them procreating, but I never hear anything. I'm surprised that my daughter-in-law doesn't know to make babies, because she's Hispanic, and from what I hear these Spics are hot to trot and fertile as a river delta. But then my daughter-in-law is a good Catholic girl just like I was, and my husband had to tell me on the third day of our honeymoon. So the problem must be that my son doesn't know, and therefore can't explain her duties to her.
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 11:50
Incest: Advances in medical science make this okay now, right?
posted by Eideteker 01 April | 11:52
I'm a necrophiliac and have a hard time getting a good fuck. I mean, I'm getting so desperate I'm thinking of taking up taxidermy or embalming so I can preserve my next partner instead o always having to go get myself a new one. What are some thinkng-outside-the-box (heh!) ways to get ahold of some nice, fresh corpses? Are Potter's Field sites listed anywehre online? And is contact with gangrene bad for me?
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 12:06
Why are women so uptight, anyway? They got half the money and ALL the pussy.

Help me, Hive Mind.
posted by jason's_planet 01 April | 13:19
I picked out some totally fat gross bridesmaids and told them they had to wear a form fitting satin sheath dress. I'm going to look so hawt next to them!!!! But then they whined so much about the dress, and that one bitch quit.

You get the best man to bone her. That's what she wanted all along. That's why she put up with your silly shit in the first place.

Tell the best man to do the posturpedic polka with her and you'll have her back in no time.
posted by jason's_planet 01 April | 13:23
What's the best way to get the metal part off a lightbulb without getting broken glass everywhere?

(more inside)

My therapist recommended I take up a hobby, so I decided to try cooking meth in my basement. Well, I think it went alright, though I had to make a few ingredient substitutions. Anyway, I want to smoke this meth the classic way: out of a lightbulb. However, my hands are shaking with anticipation to the point that I just keep shattering these damn things. Please give some advice! I'm running out of lightbulbs/bandaids.
posted by the great big mulp 01 April | 14:16
I have some spare feet. How do I dispose of them?
posted by seanyboy 01 April | 16:31
What is the easiest way to completely incinerate, say, about 125 pounds of meat? Bonus question: will the resultant ash work well as fertilizer?
posted by killdevil 01 April | 17:55
Why won't you answer the door?
Answer the damned door!
I'm right outside in my van across the street and I've been watching you for the last 26 hours and you won't answer your door?
I just want to ask you something.
I just want to ask you one question.
posted by dizzy 01 April | 17:56
I have some spare feet. How do I dispose of them?

If you have three feet, bury them in a yard.
posted by ericb 01 April | 18:12
I want to go out and I can't find a babysitter. How many clonopins do you think I should give my toddler to make sure she sleeps through the night? Plus, if I get lucky, I don't want her running in on me again, so has anyone had any luck with police bolts keeping kids in their room?

Also, if you buy your kids a box of Capn Crunch, how long should it hold them? Because I need to leave town for a couple of days and I thought I'd just lock them in the apartment.
posted by mygothlaundry 01 April | 18:17
As you all know, we're nearing the close of the most remarkable presidency ever. And I'm sure you all are chafing at the "two terms only" restriction as much as I am. But I for one don't believe in sitting back and just letting things take their course. We can't just give up on our beloved George W. Bush without a fight! How can we best work to strike down that restriction and allow us more of the same divinely inspired leadership?
posted by Orange Swan 01 April | 18:21
I'm a cat breeder. But I know nothing of fur coats. How many kittens will it take to make me a full length coat. I'm 5'5", and 125lbs, and I wear a size 2 if it helps.
posted by filmgeek 01 April | 18:30
People are fucking evil. I hate them, and I always have, especially normies. They always picked on me. However, recently I've realized I'm an aspie, which explains everything, and I want to learn to get on better in the world. They say (in research studies) that connections with other people are necessary for success and survival in this world. So, even though I still fucking hate people, since you guys are normies, please help me to succeed in this project. (God, I hate people. And religion.) I know you like trivial shit like comics, music and movies, so even though those are common topics in the blue, I can't pick anything specific (cuz I'm an aspie) and I need guidance which interests I should feign passing in interest in for best social value.

posted by Listener 01 April | 18:51
Since the US is in fact a greedy and violent beast with respect to the world, and has a moronic unelected president and low rate of unionization and general lack of good free medical coverage, what is the best way for Canada to do the right thing? Should we get other countries to help invade and take over, or rather get a nuke program happening and blow it off the map? But that would be bad for the environment, so I'm thinking the latter. Or something else? Thanks for your consideration and assistance.
posted by Listener 01 April | 19:01
Some annoying Mexicans moved in next door. How can three intelligent, ambitious, conniving sisters manipulate them into leaving?
posted by delmoi 01 April | 19:03
what is the best way for Canada to do the right thing? Should we get other countries to help invade and take over, or rather get a nuke program happening and blow it off the map?

Actually Canada used to have Nuclear Weapons.
posted by delmoi 01 April | 19:06
I'm pro-choice on suicide. I know there are lots of good info sites out there, but which one gives the best information on how to do oneself in? Anyone with first-hand experience, failed attempts that you learned from or knowledge of friends who succeeded? (I'm asking for a good friend of mine. Please, do not reply to advise nut drugs!!!)
posted by Listener 01 April | 19:25
My mother just had a bone scan that demonstrated extensive metastatic disease to her bones including the pelvis, ribs, both femurs, skull and pelvis, the doc said. As well, the cancer has spread throughout her liver and brain. She's got a very bleak prognosis, as you could imagine, and the jig is basically up for her. In no time she'll be pushing up daisies, after she kicks the bucket. Is there some way I can legally get my brothers and sisters out of the will, since I was always her favourite anyway?
posted by Listener 01 April | 19:31
Is this infected?
Asking for a friend.
posted by dizzy 01 April | 19:37
anonymous writes:
What's the best non-aggressive pet for a warm, wet spot? I have a place in mind ... we'll call it a "cage," ok? But now I need a soft, small creature to, umm, inhabit my "cage." I've never kept anything there before, but I know from Goog the literature that it's entirely possible to do so. I also know from my in-depth study of Buddhism that a gerbil might be close to what I'm after.

Btw, I'm single, so my pet must be easily evicted from the "cage" using one hand only in the event of emergency (like a house fire, I mean).

I know I can count on jessamyn to ghost-write further comments from me, if I haven't covered all the bases.
posted by rob511 01 April | 19:39
I'm writing a novel. Travel guide. Whatever.
Tell me about every restaurant meal you've ever had.
posted by dizzy 01 April | 19:40
I took a shower in New York City with my realtor and his towels were luxuriously soft and fluffy.
Am I being scammed?
posted by dizzy 01 April | 19:44
I'm totally, totally, totally vanilla sexually and our sex life is totally, totally, totally romantic and perfect, like clockwork. The thing is, I find myself really drawn to sexy pictures of other women, and sometimes even kinky stuff that is really repulsive and violent. Then I get totally, totally, totally disgusted and have to vomit and have a shower. But then our vanilla sex is really good. The thing is, I want to find a community of other people like me on the internets. Can anyone here help me? There must be someone.
posted by Listener 01 April | 20:16
Please help me break the law, but legally. [more inside]
posted by rob511 01 April | 21:00
My Mom threw out my copy of action comics #1, so I dismembered her with a chainsaw. How can I get the blood out of the pile carpet? If it helps, she had luekaemia.
posted by Sparx 01 April | 22:19
I have the hots for someone exactly like Kenny in Bitchy Bitch. What's the best way to seduce him and remember it?
posted by brujita 01 April | 22:31
I accidentally took over one of my favorite websites. How do I cement my control?
posted by Eideteker 01 April | 23:58
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. All is great except I have one fantasy he doesn't share - I want to take a shit all over his face and shove it down his throat. How do I get him to see it my way, or should I just do it while he's sleeping?
posted by sisterhavana 02 April | 00:03
My dog is really attracted to my friends' legs. Male or female, doesn't matter. All he needs is a good, sturdy leg, and away he goes. I think it's really cute, but my friends don't seem to agree (guess I have some uptight friends, lol). A few so-called friends have stopped talking to me all together, and the rest refuse to come over to my place. Can you believe it? It's not like he's peeing on them! Problem is, my dog doesn't seem to be attracted to my leg, so now he can't get off. How can I convince my friends to get over their hangups and give my puppy the lovin' he needs?
posted by treepour 02 April | 02:23
I'm sick of people always giving me advice. How can I stop this happening in the future?
posted by strawberryviagra 02 April | 07:07
Why do some people put a u in color? and an a in pedophile. Are they just stupid, or what?
posted by theora55 02 April | 08:01
My first son is about to be born. Should I have him circumcized or not?


Should I get my dog neutered?


Should I get my cat declawed?
posted by clevershark 02 April | 09:52
Why do "Canadians" like watermelon so much?
posted by drezdn 02 April | 10:48
Makes sense, each time it all makes more sense. My cock loves dog legs and faces, even clock faces. It's not like I enjoy peeing on them, but each evening I find my self shoving my pisser where it's not wanted. My cute friends defecate in the mouths of dancing pythons. Those fuckers can't jive for shit, they have no legs. So, hive mind, how do I get the circumspect? Does it hurt or harm?
posted by econous 02 April | 11:05
I think my son is turning gay 'cause he keeps doing all these faggy things like reading the news and blogging and shit. He even got this Linux thing and you know that is SO gay. So I want to circumsize him this weekend; that cures teh gay, right, and what I need to know is, should I redecorate his room before the 8 burly guys with the knives burst in there at night or after, when we bring out the hookers and blow and turn it into a swinger party zone?
posted by mygothlaundry 02 April | 13:47
We had this really wild swinger party last weekend.

At one point, the action spilled into the kids' rooms. One thing led to another, people started getting creative . . .

And now our eight-year-old wants to know why his GI Joe smells like poop.

How should we explain this to him? What is some age-appropriate terminology we could employ?
posted by jason's_planet 02 April | 19:25
Who is this Eideteker? || I have just been for a swim at my new health club