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03 March 2006

Make up fake AskMetafilter questions...
Where can I get a good handjob in Boise?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 17:09
My computer won't turn off. What should I do?
posted by me3dia 03 March | 17:11
I just got a traffic ticket while test-driving a high velocity jet car on behalf of the Banzai Institute. The cop who pulled me over alleges that I ran a red light; however, because of the Doppler shift, every signal I saw on the drive was green. Can I legally contest the ticket, as the laws of physics caused me to see an incorrect signal?
posted by Incharitable Dog 03 March | 17:12
What's the best way to dig half-a-hole?
posted by ericb 03 March | 17:13
I'm looking to meet computers nerds through a community based internet website. I'm 19, 5'11", 36DDD, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Where should I look? My e-mail is kristy56343@hotmail.com. Thanx byee!!! :-D
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 March | 17:13
Dear kristy56343,

....heywaitaminnit!

Damn you, ThePinkSuperhero! {shakes fist}
posted by quantumetric 03 March | 17:16
Does anyone have experience of maritime carpentry? I just bought a used Russian submarine, and I'm trying to renovate it to be less Cold War and more homely.
Specifically, I'd like to fit a screen door. Any ideas as to how?
posted by Incharitable Dog 03 March | 17:17
I'm looking to meet computers nerds through a community based internet website. I'm 19, 5'11", 36DDD, long blonde hair and blue eyes. Where should I look? My e-mail is matt@haughey.com. Thanx byee!!! :-D
posted by Wolfdog 03 March | 17:18
See this thing? Should I have it removed?
posted by mudpuppie 03 March | 17:18
Does MetaFilter make my ass look big?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 17:20
Is it just me, or are the designers at Microsoft stupid? It seems really counter-intuitive that the only way to turn off my PC is by clicking the button marked "Start".
posted by Incharitable Dog 03 March | 17:21
Step-by-step instructions needed on resetting broken bones. [More Inside]
posted by Miko 03 March | 17:22
Why have there never been any decent bands from New York?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 17:22
[PoliticsFilter] Given the choice, would you prefer to be a victim of George Bush's domestic policy or foreign policy?
posted by Incharitable Dog 03 March | 17:24
HJmklkp meeew lean to ty pe?>
posted by Wolfdog 03 March | 17:24
Can I rollerskate in a buffalo herd? Can I take a shower in a parakeet cage? Can I go a-swimming in a baseball pool? Can I change film with a kid on my back? And most importantly, can I drive around with a tiger in my car?
posted by goatdog 03 March | 17:25
There's this guy on the internet who is a real dick. His name is Matt Haughey. Should I confront him?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 17:25
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
posted by tommasz 03 March | 17:28
Can someone help explain me the internet? Is it the same as the "web", or is that just Google?
posted by Wolfdog 03 March | 17:28
Laconic. Help?
posted by Wolfdog 03 March | 17:29
My poodle Sweetness keeps wetting on my $3 million rug.
Should I kill myself?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 17:33
What does it mean when someone puts a single dot as a comment?
posted by goatdog 03 March | 17:34
I think I have an STD. Photos inside...
posted by me3dia 03 March | 17:35
Help me raise some fast cash for a fellow MeFite who's down on her luck! [more inside]
posted by trondant 03 March | 17:35
Metafilter: ?
posted by goatdog 03 March | 17:37
How do I post a question to askmetafilter?
posted by puke & cry 03 March | 17:37
Pancakes, threat or menace? [more inside]
posted by Capn 03 March | 17:38
Oh man, you guys crack me up.
posted by Specklet 03 March | 17:42
You people are cracking me up. [more inside]
posted by mudpuppie 03 March | 17:44
My house seems to be on fire [more inside]
posted by flopsy 03 March | 17:44
What does LOL mean? How about GYOFB? GYOFBFW? ROTFL? BRB? TTYL?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 03 March | 17:46
Just curious - has this question been asked before?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 17:47
My fiance is a fucking bitch. We both hate each other and seem to have nothing in common.


Where shall we go for our honeymoon?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 17:50
My neighbor just told me to go to hell. What's the best route? Lodgings? What's the nightlife like? Also, best place to get a hoagie?
posted by bmarkey 03 March | 17:54
Stop me before I kill again. [more inside]
posted by me3dia 03 March | 17:56
What's a five letter word for "______ are red"?
posted by me3dia 03 March | 17:57
My wife's water just broke. Any recommendations for a midwife in the greater Butte area?
posted by bmarkey 03 March | 17:59
My lawyer is sleeping with my wife. What should I do?
posted by flopsy 03 March | 18:00
I've got this huge, weeping sore on my penis. What could it be?
posted by essexjan 03 March | 18:10
Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Well, where does your lap go when you stand up? I'd never thought about it before, but now I want to know.
posted by essexjan 03 March | 18:12
Why does President Bush seem to be so divorced from reality?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 18:13
It goes to Lapland.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 18:13
Oops! Wrong thread!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 18:14
Is this thing on? Hello? Hello?
posted by goatdog 03 March | 18:14
Don't take this the wrong way, but why is everyone on Metafilter such insufferable twats?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 18:18
Girlfriend likes rough sex. How to get dick out of her nose?
posted by eatitlive 03 March | 18:18
Too much liquid expelled through nose. [more inside]
posted by mudpuppie 03 March | 18:19
Would you like fries with that?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 18:20
My diet consists of burgers, donuts and DQ Blizzards. The only exercise I get is playing WoW and chewing food. How do I lose weight and get fit without changing any aspect of my lifestyle?
posted by essexjan 03 March | 18:25
Someone in Nigeria wants me to help them get money out of the country. This time it really doesn't sound like a scam. Was I wrong to send them my bank account number?
posted by essexjan 03 March | 18:26
There's a big note taped to my neighbor's door written in a foreign language. Is it a curse? Is my neighbor a terrist?
posted by matildaben 03 March | 18:27
::Matt or Jess, I want to use the anonymous function::
I have information about an A-List celebrity, who everyone thinks is a Saint.
posted by Feisty 03 March | 18:30
Should I act on information I received on my answering machine? The guy got the wrong number and left a stock tip regarding an unobtanium mining company, and I'm wondering if I should take advantage of his mistake.
posted by Incharitable Dog 03 March | 18:38
Will you marry me?
posted by grouse 03 March | 18:53
What is the air speed velocity of a sparrow? (European and unladen.)
posted by jrossi4r 03 March | 19:01
How do you hide a body that is still alive and needs to be for another 48 hours?
posted by Feisty 03 March | 19:18
It's a swallow jrossi4r
posted by sciurus 03 March | 19:21
I have done something illegal and now I'm going to articulate the details on a public website. Do I need a lawyer?
posted by mike9322 03 March | 19:30
I want to do something that I know is wrong but I'm looking for someone to tell me that it's okay so I can do it and blame that person instead of myself when it doesn't go as expected.
posted by mike9322 03 March | 19:31
My bra strap got caught as I was getting off the bus and when it snapped back, I liked it. The driver was female. Does that make me gay?
posted by krix 03 March | 19:32
Sciurus, I love that you know that.
posted by jrossi4r 03 March | 19:36
This is an anonymous question with not nearly enough detail. Please provide me with advice without being able to ask me for clarification.
posted by mike9322 03 March | 19:37
Should I start wearing a fedora all the time? Are lambchops really back, or is my wife crazy? Why is polyester considered a "cheap" material when it's so comfortable?
posted by agropyron 03 March | 19:39
I saw this television show one time about this guy who gives this thing to a girl. What show was that? Also, I may be slightly incorrect on the details.
posted by ColdChef 03 March | 19:45
I think the pizza delivery driver saw the joint I had tucked behind my ear. Is thre any chance he was actually an undercover cop?

PS: Dude, does this weed make you paranoid?
posted by Triode 03 March | 19:46
Why?
posted by quantumetric 03 March | 19:52
I've made the most darling dog costumes for my bees, but every time I try to dress them up they insist on stinging me. Any suggestions?
posted by bmarkey 03 March | 19:57
I have half an onion, two lemons, a quarter pound of ground groundhog, 6 cloves and 3 cups of sugar. What can I make for dinner? I don't have a stove or a microwave, only an iron.
posted by mygothlaundry 03 March | 20:01
How would I go about starting my own cabal?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 03 March | 20:05
Get a laywer?
posted by mullacc 03 March | 21:01
Or, perhaps, a lawyer?
posted by mullacc 03 March | 21:02
How would someone go about starting their own cabal?
posted by jelly 03 March | 21:30
Tips for starting my own cabal: how should I do it?
posted by bmarkey 03 March | 21:58
Did you just fart? [More Inside]
posted by Divine_Wino 03 March | 22:24
My poodle Sweetness keeps wetting on my $3 million rug.


Does the fact that I first read this as sweater poodles and I couldn't figure out how they could ruin a rug make me a pervert or a hopeless nerd?
posted by Mitheral 03 March | 22:28
I'm dying for attention. What question should I ask on AskMetafilter?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 23:06
I'm slightly retarded.
Does this mean I'm slightly retarded?
posted by Hellbient 03 March | 23:07
I've been coughing up blood and my diarrhea is bright green. It started after I fell from my third floor balcony. I drank some Windex because I thought it might make me feel better (it's such a pretty blue!). This has been going on for four days and my skin has turned a funny colour. What should I do?
posted by deborah 03 March | 23:29
My God, deborah! Your TEETH! They have no streaks!!!!
posted by Feisty 03 March | 23:32
deborah, you nailed it.
posted by Miko 04 March | 00:14
I've been coughing up blood and my diarrhea is bright green.

how festive!
posted by Hellbient 04 March | 03:55
I am on death row and will be executed by lethal injection tomorrow. Do you have any suggestions for a last meal that will help me avoid an upset stomach?
posted by tellurian 04 March | 04:20
Does anyone have any suggestions on places to visit in heaven or hell? I'll be there for eternity. [posted for a friend under time constraints]
posted by tellurian 04 March | 04:22
Is bukkake cheating? [more inside]
posted by Hellbient 04 March | 08:31
Is this snake poisonous? I would appreciate your answer within a few hours, if possible.
posted by Miko 04 March | 09:57
I was sitting on a park bench next to this woman who was listening to music on her headphones and it was broadcasting out loud through her fillings. We are now dating and I would like suggestions for a mix CD of songs about teeth.
posted by matildaben 04 March | 16:26
I love crystal meth. It's not a problem for me, I'm always super productive when I do it (you should see how shiny my toaster is!). My question is: my 16 year-old daughter has her finals coming up, and unfortunately she has waited until the last minute to study, so she needs to do a couple of all-nighters. She's on the verge on failing most of her classes, and has mentioned dropping out and following in her mothers' footsteps and becoming a dancer. I'm trying to be a good mother so she doesn't have to go through that like I did. I've talked her out of it so far, agreeing that yeah, the money's great and you get lots of attention, but that it's important to stay in school so she can meet boys and go to the prom and the reunions in her future. This is make or break for her. So my question is should I give her a couple of nights worth of crystal meth just this once so she can get through this one rough period? I really appreciate this you guys.
posted by Hellbient 04 March | 17:22
Please disregard the previous question. I'm all out of meth now. Thanks again!!
posted by Hellbient 04 March | 17:23
You guys folk people crack me up.

Where do flies go when it's cold?
posted by dg 05 March | 21:56
If worms eat your brain, do they steal your ideas?
posted by Hellbient 07 March | 11:18
supercuriousfilter - what are your IDs and passwords to various sites on the internet? Best one wins a prize.
posted by Hellbient 07 March | 11:21
How do I find a Hindu bride?

I will be going to India within the nearest future, and I would like to find a Hindu woman for marriage / children / life together / etc.

She needs to be intelligent, speak some English, beautiful, young. I don't require a dowry and class is a non-issue.

How does a white 37 year old white man make this happen? Personal anecdotes, advice, warnings, all appreciated.

Ok, so I am big on Hindus. If you got a problem with that, well, my apologies. Creepy or not, I want to get it on with a Hindu girl and make little Hindu / Euro babies... answers as to how to make this happen most appreciated.
posted by Feisty 07 March | 12:55
I'm a transexual Hindu woman. I recently married a 37 year old white man I met through the internet.
I originally married him just to get a green card so I can have access to better hormone treatment and surgeons (he's got a kickass insurance plan!), but now I think I really love him. Should I tell him my secret?

-anonymous
posted by Hellbient 09 March | 13:08
besides color, taste and ingredients, what are the differences between ketchup and mustard?
posted by Hellbient 10 March | 17:02
Is it possible to be your own sperm banker?
posted by Miko 10 March | 17:20
Does anyone visit threads that are more than a couple of days old?
posted by Capn 10 March | 17:30
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 10 March | 17:33
Someone just cracked my shit up. It is causing a rather unpleasant sensation in my colon. Should I see a doctor?
posted by matildaben 10 March | 17:34
Who did that song about the eagle? It came out maybe five years ago. Maybe twelve. The cover of the record was green, although it might have been yellow and about a badger instead. You know the one I mean?
posted by bmarkey 10 March | 17:42
Inspired by this question, do bears wear funny hats?
posted by Hellbient 13 March | 11:09
It's a damn shame my friends and I didn't have this || Recently-acquired mudpuppie music,

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