MetaChat REGISTER   ||   LOGIN   ||   IMAGES ON   ||   RECENT COMMENTS



artphoto by mmahaffie
artphoto by matildaben
artphoto by eekacat

Links in new window

Home

About

Search

Archives

Mecha Wiki

Radio Mecha

Metachat Eye

Emcee

IRC Channels

IRC FAQ


 RSS


Comment Feed:

♦ RSS

MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

14 June 2006

If you wanted to post an Ask Metafilter question that would generate a lot of controversy, a flamewar, or just incredulity, what would you post? Please don't actually post anything that gets suggested here. I just love to think of bizarre questions. The ideal candidate would cause an uproar, but wouldn't violate the guidelines or otherwise be considered delete-worthy.
→[More:]
Here's mine:

Who should I say is my favorite composer if people ask? I want an opinion that's easy to defend by bullshitting, but not one that I have to make any effort for, like listening to actual classical music.
post by: agropyron at: 12:46 | 211 comments
I want to marry a very old rich man, so I'll be rich once he's dead. How could I go about meeting one?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 14 June | 12:48
Why is polygamy morally wrong? What if one wife doesn't know about the other?
posted by Capn 14 June | 12:50
I would like to move soon. What major urban area in the US has the lowest population of [insert name of ethnic group of choice here]?
posted by kellydamnit 14 June | 12:50
Anything about PETA or smoking.
posted by shane 14 June | 12:51
I am a married male who is in love with a lesbian co-worker. How can I convince her to have an affair with me?

I just know that she's biding her time with the chicks, waiting for the right man.

Any suggestions?
posted by danf 14 June | 12:53
I just found out I have herpes, but my girlfriend cheated on me first, so I shouldn't have to tell the bitch anything, right?
posted by Lipstick Thespian 14 June | 12:53
I have budgeted around $70,000 for a new car. H2 or Escalade?
posted by Capn 14 June | 12:54
I'm thinking of killing my fat friend by running her over with an SUV full of meat while listening to Creed. When's the best time of day, do you think?
posted by jonmc 14 June | 12:55
When is it okay to hit your spouse?
posted by betty 14 June | 12:55
Title: How smart are you? How dumb am I? ... I Will Dare.

Post: I'm researching internet group dynamics for my PhD in Sociology. What questions could ask on an online forum (that is duty-bound to be helpful) that are guaranteed to tweak the community? I'm looking for something that stays within the guidelines and yet is disruptive in the extreme. Please give me examples of the questions and the type of forum I should ask them in. TIA!
posted by safetyfork 14 June | 12:58
Not to imply that agro is doing that here, but it would be a great stir-pot question!
posted by safetyfork 14 June | 13:00
I'm really tired of my cat and I want to give her an overdose of heroin. Where can I buy the heroin and how much should I give her? She only weighs about 3 pounds since I stopped feeding her a while back.
posted by mygothlaundry 14 June | 13:01
I'm overweight. This is not a health issue, as I am pretty happy with my weight, feel really good, and have no desire to lose any. It's a problem when I fly though. My girth sort of spills over onto the seat next to me, and sometimes whoever is sitting next to me gets a little snippy at having part of their seat taken up by me. The last time I flew, the skinny woman sitting next to me got really annoyed after I elbowed her for the 10th time, and she asked me if I could please move over a little in my seat. Can you believe it?! I have just as much right to fly as skinny people, and if I end up crowding them in their seat, I guess that's too bad for them; maybe next time they should try taking a Greyhound. So, smart people of AskMe, what are some clever things I can say to the skinny person sitting next to me that will make them shut up and mind their own business? Thanks in advance!
posted by iconomy 14 June | 13:02
Capn's winning. It's 'cause he's got all that time to think now that he doesn't have to work while at work.

Mine: After a long and complicated battle, my partner and I (we're lesbians) finally have the opportunity to adopt. We've just found out that the child is black (we're white) and only has one leg. Should we go on with the adoption?
posted by Specklet 14 June | 13:03
P.S. Agro's is really good too.
posted by Specklet 14 June | 13:04
I was banned from a web-forum, and now I want to get them. Where can I find samples of DMCA take-down notices to send to their ISP? Are there any other effective tools like this that I can use against them?
posted by Capn 14 June | 13:06
Yeah, capn's is great. I can see that mine's too tame!
posted by safetyfork 14 June | 13:07
Let's just say that was supposed to be plural.
posted by safetyfork 14 June | 13:07
My girlfriend won't put out. Why can't she respect my need for sex?
posted by halonine 14 June | 13:08
After fuming about the rhetoric from the left for years, I've decided I want to help this country by getting active in the Christian community. What churches do the most active work against the encroachment of gays and feminists in society, and against the erosion of our country's moral values?
posted by occhiblu 14 June | 13:08
I don't understand why women get upset when I approach them in bars. A woman that goes to a bar is asking for men to approach her, right? There is NO other reason for a SINGLE woman to be inside a BAR. How can I make them understand this?
posted by halonine 14 June | 13:12
Unbelievably, yet another item I shipped to a winning bidder on eBay has been opened in transit! The $5,000.00 laptop I sent someone has been replaced by a box of rocks, for, like...the hundreth time! Do the people who I keep sending boxes of rocks to have any legal recourse, or can I just keep the money they've paypalled to me?

Also, just out of curiosity, which rocks shift the least in a box, and most resemble the shape of a laptop? Anyone know?
posted by iconomy 14 June | 13:13
I think my latino neighbors are using my BMW for drug deals. They spend a lot of time staring at it, and don't seem to have jobs, and every time I walk by they smile at me funny. The police are useless. What should I do?
posted by occhiblu 14 June | 13:13
So what is it with breeders? Why would anyone want to have a kid? I'm curious.
posted by iconomy 14 June | 13:16
Holy shit. The output so far has exceeded my wildest dreams. Hilarious. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. And safetyfork... that's so meta.
posted by agropyron 14 June | 13:18
Greenpeace has put up a billboard on my block and I want to deface it. What's the right way to go here? Black house paint and a roller? Spray gun? Poster-glue and large paper sheets?

occhiblu, iconomy and halonine, the doctor called, and you have all tested positive for accute mischeviousness, type A
posted by Capn 14 June | 13:19
My neighbors belong to different socioeconomic and cultural groups than I do. So, obviously, I think they're drug dealers, or terrorists or child molesters or something. I've been using their wireless access for months. Recently, though, I've been suffering from impotence. I bought an SUV, but that didn't restore my erections. Worse, my neighbors continue to go about their daily business, and my calls to Homeland Security go unanswered. So I've decided to take matters into my own hands. What kind of pistol has the power to kill one of my neighbors, then keep going until it kills an innocent bystander?
posted by box 14 June | 13:19
Why are really fat people so grumpy? Did they lose their sense of humour when they became morbidly obese? I mean, what's up with that?
posted by cmonkey 14 June | 13:22
I'd like to erect a memorial to Hilter in my backyard. I'm starting out with a 20 x 20 foot free-standing swastika made of wood, and could use some suggestions as to which wood would be the most durable and hold up the best, weatherwise. Cedar? Pressure-treated pine? Appreciate the help.
posted by iconomy 14 June | 13:24
What's with the pink ribbons? I mean, I support breast cancer as much as the next person, but isn't pink demeaning to women? Also, not my color. Is there someplace, I can like, send a check? Thanks.
posted by rainbaby 14 June | 13:24
How can I hide my record as a sex offender when applying for day care jobs? [More Inside]

I'm not going to lie: what I did was really, really bad, like nightmarish. You probably heard about it on the news. We're not talking being caught peeing in public or even statutory rape here. Ever read Lolita? Worse. Ever read Maldoror? Worse. I really need to hide this. Partly so I'm free to do it again, but also because... No actually, I just want to do it again, like, a lot more and landing a job in day care would really help. TIA!
posted by PinkStainlessTail 14 June | 13:28
I cheated on my girlfriend with her sister, and now the sister's pregnant. Also, my girlfriend is blind. Where can I find a crack for Firefox?
posted by box 14 June | 13:29
Title: Help me shake my baby.

Post: It's laundry day, and my two-year-old just swallowed my last three quarters! I've already tried holding him upside-down by the ankles and shaking him like a beach towel, but so far nothing doing. MetaFilter: What's the best method for (safely) extracting coins from a toddler?
posted by Atom Eyes 14 June | 13:30
My wife is always reading my email, and says that it's okay because loving couples always should keep tabs on one another's activities. Is she right? I'm afraid she'll intercept one of my girlfriend's emails before I get a chance to delete it!
posted by JanetLand 14 June | 13:32
My usual birth control method of just fuckin' the chicks in the ass has failed. Where's the best place to punch my girl in the stomach to ensure a speedy miscarriage?
posted by Johnny Cakes 14 June | 13:35
I need help setting up a community web site [more:]
Obviously I want it to be more like Fark, bOINGbOING and k5, and less like Metafilter. How best to go about this?
posted by Capn 14 June | 13:38
I'd like to cut off my husband's cheating penis. Which garden tool would cause the most pain the fastest? Also, any good disposal hints? I don't want the fucker to get it reattached.

Thanks,
Johnny Cakes
posted by Johnny Cakes 14 June | 13:40
How long can a normal, healty 8 week old kitten survive inside an adult python? URGENT!
posted by Capn 14 June | 13:43
Mudpuppie is a total bitch! Let's ban her! Who's with me?!?!?
posted by pieisexactlythree 14 June | 13:43
I'm a parent of three, ages 5, 9, and 11. I believe that Mother Nature has given children have an innate sense of what's good for them, and I try to guide them in life experiments that will help them learn and grow. As such, I have been letting them try alcohol, marijuana, and other "light" drugs. My oldest wants to try LSD, but I'm worried about possible flashbacks being disruptive in school. My question is: When you're having LSD flashbacks, can you just sit there quietly and let them happen, or do you tend to freak out?

OR

I'm trying to raise my children in a mixture of Native American shamanism and traditional Christianity. Our family worship services consist of taking peyote and trying to communicate with Jesus Christ. My younger son (age 9) has been getting sick after taking the peyote, and tends to vomit a lot for the next day or so. I know excessive vomiting can be harmful, but how much is too much? He tends to vomit about 5 or 6 times, but it's only once a week, on Sabbath. Also, is there something we can mix with the peyote to make it more palatable to the children?
posted by agropyron 14 June | 13:44
Ha! I love that last one, agro.
posted by occhiblu 14 June | 13:46
*is going to be an awesome parent*
posted by agropyron 14 June | 13:47
My doctor says I have high grade non-Hodgkins lymphoma and that he can fix it with western medicine. My friend has had her toothache cured with Color-puncture and I would like to try it. Does anybody have and experience with this or other non-western therapies?
posted by pointilist 14 June | 13:51
Wow! some of these are deliciously mean! My favorite however, is from jonmc:

I'm thinking of killing my fat friend by running her over with an SUV full of meat while listening to Creed. When's the best time of day, do you think?
posted by jelly 14 June | 13:53
Help me put the 'fun' back in our relationship [more:] my girlfriend recently kicked heroin, which is great, but now she's really boring and frankly, kind of depressing. Does heroin have a taste? And if so, what foods will best mask that taste? Also, what is the 'normal' daily oral dosage for a functional user?
posted by Capn 14 June | 13:53
You're pure evil, Capn.
posted by agropyron 14 June | 13:55
I'm considering joining the military. How can I best hide the fact that I'm gay? Especially when my boyfriend comes to visit? (He loves the thought of me in uniform!) Also, how much trouble would I get in if I slept with Iraqi men between his visits? I'd use condoms, of course, and I can't see any way that he'd find out.
posted by occhiblu 14 June | 13:58
I'm really interested in getting into a religion that's normally considered 'evil', such as Satanism or some sort of occult group. I strongly feel that there is no such thing as evil, and that it should be possible to contact higher powers through occult means.

I'm looking for 100% serious groups that commune with demons or Satan. Can anyone recommend one? Have you ever dabbled in this sort of thing? What have your experiences been? I'm not squeamish about animal sacrifice.
posted by agropyron 14 June | 13:59
I'm not squeamish about animal sacrifice.

Priceless.
posted by Specklet 14 June | 14:01
Who is 'dios?'
posted by ericb 14 June | 14:03
Do you find Ann Coulter attractive?
posted by ericb 14 June | 14:04
I just love that YouTube thing. I've got hundreds of videos that I'd just love to post to Metafilter. What's the best way, single link post or one big post with individual letter links?
posted by tommasz 14 June | 14:04
I wanted a clitoral piercing but couldn't afford to get it done professionally, so I did it myself using a safety pin which I sterilised with my lighter. The piercing went septic and I have no health insurance. Can I use Neosporin on such a sensitive part of the body?
posted by essexjan 14 June | 14:05
Which mefi member is the most influential? Kottke?
posted by betty 14 June | 14:10
I'm a teenager, and my rich parents bought me a car that's nicer than yours. I've got a book report on 'The Great Gatsby' due in half an hour, and so I'm going to convince some nerd to write it for me. Would I have better luck by threatening a boy with bodily harm, or tricking a girl into thinking I'm interested in her?
posted by box 14 June | 14:11
My girlfriend says that her hypnotherapist has discovered she was ritualistically abused as a child. How reliable are these "recovered memories?" Has anyone else had experience with this?

or

I just started dating a very nice woman who believes we live inside a hollow earth. She's very sweet and I like her a lot. But there's this problem with her hollow earth ideas. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

(sorry about that, but life is stranger than art.)
posted by warbaby 14 June | 14:11
My cat seems to be watching me more than usual lately, especially when I'm doing something I know I shouldn't. Do you think God is watching me through my cat? Or is it possible someone could be seeing through his eyes psychically?
posted by agropyron 14 June | 14:12
What really gets me is that I suspect agropyron has probably been thinking about these things for some time and may even be considering some of them. Or else his job is just really boring.
posted by matildaben 14 June | 14:14
Title: Help me with my crush!

Post: I've got a huge crush on a neighbor, and I don't know how to let him know. [More inside] I drive by his house every day and have figured out that between 4:56 pm and 5:39 pm, he's home alone before he leaves in his SUV to pick up his wife and kids. I can tell that he's a very traditional guy, so going up to the front door to invite myself in for coffee won't work. Do you think that anonymous letters left in his car around 5:30 would be the best way to go? I can also send them via email; I've got tons of anonymous accounts!
posted by TrishaLynn 14 June | 14:15
I've got a big dog with a long tail, and I live in a very small apartment. My dog is kind of hyper, and I'm trying to train him not to jump up on me when I'm walking around. I put a shock collar on him and turned it up to the highest intensity, and I've been zapping him every time he looks like he might jump on me. This works ok, but he's still kind of hyper. I've thought about trying to hit him with a stick or something, but I don't want him to be afraid of me. What other kinds of indirect punishment can I try? (I know that people say you can help reduce his hyperactivity by taking him on regular walks, but since this is a behavioral problem, shouldn't I be able to train him out of it?)
posted by agropyron 14 June | 14:19
Mr brother an I want to conduct an experiment with our Mom's 10 year-old tabby cat. She's about 20 lbs. Which should we feed her first? The Diet Coke or the Mentos?
posted by ericb 14 June | 14:21
My husband has promised me a diamond ring if I can find a way to get our SUV to run on breastmilk!

How would I go about refitting the engine for this purpose and how much soda will I need to feed my infant now that we need my boob juice for fuel? Can you recommend any tv shows he could watch while I'm busy lactating into the gas tank. TIA!!!
posted by jrossi4r 14 June | 14:22
I think the folks at the Westboro Baptist Church are doing some good work and I'd like to help them advance their righteous cause. So it looks like I might be spending a few days in Topeka, Kansas. Can anyone point me towards some good restaurants and attractions in the area?
posted by LeeJay 14 June | 14:28
The image of a woman suckling a Jeep Cherokee is magnificently terrifying
posted by Capn 14 June | 14:29
I got double dates with my boy tonight. Think we look hot enough to get them bitches to give us some switch action?

I'm the one on the right.

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by I Love Tacos 14 June | 14:30
Since it's bad to use the word 'nigger,' how should I refer to 'negroes' when talking about those people?
posted by ericb 14 June | 14:33
What sort of drink, alcohol-wise, would best hide the taste of rohipnol?
Bonus if it's opaque!
posted by kellydamnit 14 June | 14:34
Why do I feel like this question was inspired by this thread?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 14 June | 14:40
Apple announces a new iPod...for obese people.
posted by horsewithnoname 14 June | 14:48
Title: He's Gonefilter

I still have not gotten over Jerry's death, lo all these years. The new band is just not the same. Even the acid feels different, watching the guys play on without him.

I am at wit's end. Can someone tell me something to help me move on with my life?
posted by danf 14 June | 14:52
Oh shit, wrong thread. . .sorry. . .
posted by danf 14 June | 14:53
My best friend has been offered two new jobs -- one in New York, the other in L.A. I agree with him that people in New York are 'loud and rude' while those in L.A. are 'plastic and not-so-bright.' Of the two choices where should he move? Any personal experiences are welcome.
posted by ericb 14 June | 14:54
*imagines much trouble coming out of this*












*giggles*
posted by warbaby 14 June | 14:59
Is it possible to circumcise a cat?
posted by dame 14 June | 15:04
I've noticed that most community-weblog administrators tend to be frequent bedwetters. Without naming names, haughey would I be able to send anonymously a rubber mattress cover to my favorite admin?
posted by horsewithnoname 14 June | 15:09
essexjan! That was naaasty! Brrrr! I am frankly shocked, young lady.
posted by rainbaby 14 June | 15:17
How can I find Google's top results for a particular search term?
posted by box 14 June | 15:19
I live in NYC and recently my upstairs neighbor expired and rotted through my kitchen ceiling. Before I could get it sanitized, my tabby got into the mess and now is ignoring his kibble. The good news is he's put on weight, but now is territorial about the "area".

Any help is great, thanks!

p.s. his pelt has also improved.
posted by Lipstick Thespian 14 June | 15:26
I have a number of atheist friends about whom I care deeply. I'm terrified that they may die unconverted. How can I convince them that they need Jesus?
posted by Orange Swan 14 June | 15:41
I'm dating two men and can't decide which one I like better. So I slept with them both so I could find out which one was better in bed. But they were both great at it, and then I really couldn't decide and I just kept letting the situation slide. Then I got pregnant. I don't know who the father is, but they both want to marry me. The weddings are both set for this Saturday, a casual one in the morning and a more formal one in the afternoon. My question is, can I wear the same wedding dress to both weddings, or should I get two different dresses?
posted by Orange Swan 14 June | 15:45
ericb you read my mind!

Also, thanks Capn!
posted by halonine 14 June | 15:50
I'm in love with a man I'll call Mr. Dreamboat. I'm sure we'd be the perfect couple if his wife weren't around. So what's the best way to kill her? I heard $500 will get you two Vietnamese guys and an alibi. Is that true? If it is true, please also feel free to give me suggestions on how I can get that $500 together. Mr. Dreamboat probably won't contribute because we haven't actually met yet, and my job working as a mentally handicap support worker doesn't pay very well. Do you all think maybe I should just get the retards to give me some of their money? It's not like they need it for anything important.
posted by Orange Swan 14 June | 15:54
Based on reading this thread, I would elope TODAY with Orange Swan. What a beautiful, sick mind.

Of course, my body would be found much later, if at all. . .
posted by danf 14 June | 16:04
I bought an SUV, but that didn't restore my erections.

Man, if word of this gets out, the American auto industry is dead. Dead!
posted by Miko 14 June | 16:20
IJustKilledADrifterCha: My DeadDrifterFu Fails me. After sliting a drifter's throat to maintain an erection, steel drum or raging bonfire?
posted by KevinSKomsvold 14 June | 16:32
Mudpuppie is a total bitch! Let's ban her! Who's with me?!?!?
posted by pieisexactlythree 14 June | 13:43

Hey! That's not even a real question!
posted by mudpuppie 14 June | 16:41
oh. my. god.
These are awesome.
My creative wickedness wilts in the presence of such a display of collective evil genius!!!
(And the only two ideas I could come up while reading the thread were used - and probably worded better than I could have - farther down the thread.)

I've given up on being a thinking secular humanist and want to just hand my life over to some nutball religion. I've kinda narrowed it down to Islam, Catholicism, Morman and Scientology, but I'd be willing to consider others. What do you think?
posted by wendell 14 June | 16:47
How do you do one of those DDOS website attack things? (I promise I won't use it on MetaFilter. Honest.)
posted by wendell 14 June | 16:49
I can't decide which TV doctor is more of a cutie: Patrick Dempsey on "Grey's Anatomy" or Hugh Laurie on "House". What do you think? And once I decide, where can I get his home address?
posted by wendell 14 June | 16:51
I have a flight layover in NYC. I'll be there for about 3 years--what should I do?
posted by mullacc 14 June | 16:52
Your preferred suicide method: Gun, poison, hanging, bridge jump or Barry Manilow's 50's Album?
posted by wendell 14 June | 16:54
EVER SINCE I WAS 13 I PUT STRAWBERRY JAM ON MY ERECT P***S AND BALLS AND FORCE MY PET JACK RUSSEL TO LICK IT ALL OFF. IS THIS NORMAL. ALSO WHAT LAPTOP SHOULD I GET I JUST NEED IT FOR EMALE AND WEB
posted by cmonkey 14 June | 17:14
I'm trying to find a dyslexic albino hooker who is between 5'9" and 5'11 and weighs between 89 - 104 pounds (*ie no fatties*). Basically I'm planning to lock up and torture this paid slut in the basement of my grandma's nonprofit daycare center while Nana's three-legged blind cockapoo puppy watches. This would be a totally consensual situation, and would most likely involve forced choking (shoving hard boiled eggs down a lady's throat gives me a huge boner! ;)

Anyway, my question is this: I found a dyslexic albino hooker the other day, and I'm wondering if I should tell her that I want to do these things or spring it on her when she gets to the daycare? What if she says no? My dreams would be shattered! Also, she ways 106 and is 5'8", should I settle for this cow, or keep waiting and hoping? Tell me your experiences with prostitution and whether it's worth holding out for the perfect cut of meat.
posted by SassHat 14 June | 17:16
Do I look fat in this?
posted by wendell 14 June | 17:26
The following is a suggested AskMe question, NOT a comment on the thread...

ARE YOU PEOPLE ALL FUCKING NUTS?
And if so, what kind of nuts do you prefer? Peanuts, cashews, macadamias...
posted by wendell 14 June | 17:28
Does wendell look fat in that?
posted by Specklet 14 June | 17:29
I just got sentenced to several years in prison. How can I make someone my bitch?
posted by sisterhavana 14 June | 17:37
How can I make someone my bitch?

Okay, I think I just peed my pants.
posted by horsewithnoname 14 June | 17:50
I believe in corporal punishment for kids. My twelve kids are not allowed to sit down for dinner-they must stand and wait their turn to eat. Which is better for keeping them in line? A metal belt buckle, wooden paddle, or a whip?
posted by redvixen 14 June | 18:10
Oooh, yeah, more bad parenting questions! Let's see...

I was raised in a nudist home, and I would like to raise my children nudist as well. My wife has been living a nudist lifestyle with me for the last six years (we even had a nude wedding with over 100 guests), but she doesn't want to raise our children as pure nudists because it would probably mean homeschooling. Has anyone here had experience homeschooling?
posted by agropyron 14 June | 18:28
I really want to have kids, but my wife's doctor told her that becoming pregnant will kill her. Where can I buy some (more or less) harmless tablets that are identical to her contraceptive pills and how do I get them in the foil packet without it showing?

Also, she insists that I wear a condom when we have sex because of my genital warts. How should I convince her that this is wrong, because you can't pass genital warts to someone you are married to?
posted by dg 14 June | 19:11
Which is better for keeping them in line? A metal belt buckle, wooden paddle, or a whip?
I don't know about the kids, but I would prefer the whip.
posted by dg 14 June | 19:34
What is the normal kitten:rock ratio when using the bag-drowning method? Is it 1 bag 1 rock 1 cat or can I put all 6 of them in there with, like, a couple of big stones? Fast-flowing river, if relevant. TIA.

posted by blag 14 June | 19:36
What are your favorite insults for when a fat chick tries to talk to you? I'll go first:
posted by blag 14 June | 19:38
blag, I laughed so hard I passed something.
posted by LeeJay 14 June | 20:06
OK, now we need to select two winners: the best question and then the sucker who gets triple-dared to post it.
posted by dg 14 June | 20:20
I'm about to go to my first NAMBLA meeting. What can I expect?
posted by sisterhavana 14 June | 21:46
I'm getting married in a few weeks to my soulmate. My problem is with my maid of honour. She keeps telling me I shouldn't marry the groom because he slaps me around, tells me what to do, rapes me, and because I don't like his five-year-old daughter. I tell her she doesn't know what love is and that she's probably jealous, but she doesn't listen. I really don't need her negativity around on my special day. How can I politely fire her from being maid of honour?
posted by Orange Swan 14 June | 22:31
The question:

Recently my girlfriend took (some drug) at a club for the first time and that night she was totally up for anything. It was great but she keeps asking about what happened and I think she might be remembering some things I do not want her to. And to make matters worse, since that night she has been late so she might be pregnant. (more inside)

The more:

First off, the memory thing. That night a couple of guys were admiring her and I told them that for a couple hundred they could enjoy every part of her. She was out of her head and just giggled and nodded stupidly (she ain't that smart to begin with). The next morning I told her that the bruises and soreness were because she was really wild in bed, no mention of what really happened. But now I am worried that she might remember some things. Who has experience with (the drug)? Do you tend to get your memories back? I really would like to start doing this regularly for a while since I need a new ride. But not if she might remember. I am not worried about diseases, I doublebag it and she is black so I wouldn't marry her anyway.

Secondly, I am concerned about her being pregnant. I know it ain't mine if she is, so I can either dump her and lose that potential goldmine or do something about it. I have been reading about this plant that you can make a tea out of to cause an abortion, does it work?
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 14 June | 22:38
My dad always told me that nobody knows how to make money like the Jews. How do I go about meeting a hot Jewish chick? I don't like to work.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 14 June | 22:40
I have this sore on my leg that I think is a brown recluse bite. It is horribly painful but I have no insurance and I am having to self medicate. As the flesh is rotting I am scooping out the nastiest stuff with a plastic spoon and then putting some salt on it. I have to drink a lot of alcohol first and bite down on something while I work on it, but I think it is getting better. I was reading that you can use a modified taser on these bites. It said right after you were bitten, but I wonder if it would still help. I do not have a taser but I was thinking about just tossing a toaster into my bathtub and then sticking my leg in the water. Anything else that might help it heal up?
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 14 June | 22:43
I have a big dog, he is part Great Dane and part wolf. Sometimes I let him do me in the butt. He often gets stuck as dogs have this knot on their penis and I was looking for a way around that. It sucks having to wait and he keeps trying to pull out anyway. It hurts!
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 14 June | 22:46
I ♥ Mecha!
posted by deborah 14 June | 22:50
Hi, I want my girlfriend to dress up like a Wookie in bed but she will not do it. How can I change her mind?



I was peeing at the side of the road a few minutes ago and a rattlesnake bit me on the tip of the penis. It would be very embarassing to go the doctor and tell him. Do I have to? I am very flexible so I could suck out the poison if that will work.



My cat's bed has some blood in it and my cat isn't moving much, I think she feels bad. Should I switch her cat food?
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 14 June | 22:50
Circumcising fat guys. Is there a point? It's not like they can see it, and it's not like anyone else will see it either. But my dilemma is the health issues. If the can't reach to clean it, then they get sick, they're a drain on the medical system. So you see the issue, right? (ha, ha - like you could with a magnifying glass)
posted by Zack_Replica 14 June | 23:03
What else is necessary for entertaining little boys? I've already got a clown suit, a bag of lollipops and a roll of duct tape? What else might be helpful to have in my kitbag?
posted by ericb 14 June | 23:25
I ♥ Mecha!

Seriously. This is the funniest thing I've read in days.
posted by LeeJay 15 June | 00:07
RelationshipEtiqueteFilter: So I peed in my g/f's vagina[more]...

While we were having sex I paused. She seemed concerned and asked me what was wrong - I said "Oh, nothing. I'm just taking a pee."

She flucken *exploded*.

Is this "normal behavior?"

(I was just joking. But some pee did get squirted out.)
posted by porpoise 15 June | 00:35
My wife is 5' 7" and 146 lbs. What is the best way to let her know she is getting a bit chubby and encourage her to work out?
posted by arse_hat 15 June | 00:50
At what age should we circumcise our daughters? My eldest wife’s brothers say two is too young, but my youngest wife’s father says it’s the perfect age, and that’s how it was always done in their village. Also, would it be too ostentatious to slaughter a goat for the celebration party?
posted by misteraitch 15 June | 02:21
congrats, mecha, for making me cry!

I need to tell my best friend she's a fucking bitch without pissing her off. Bonus points if I can get her to cry, and apologize to me.


My great aunt is a very wealthy woman. As a child, she thought anything I did or said was cute. But the old bag is really cranky now that she's in the wheelchair. What are some cheap easy things to do to impress her and stay the main beneficiary in her will?

Alternatively, how many stairs would someone have to fall down to be sure they're really dead, and not stuck in a coma for another ten years?
posted by overanxious ducksqueezer 15 June | 04:31
Wassup, MeFites?! Just found out I'm being posted to Basra, and I'm planning to start a blog. But how do I refer to our gallant allies in Iraq? "Camel jockey" is so last century. "Raghead" was limited to Gulf War I. And now "Hadji" has come under fire too. What's a tyro journo to do? Hope me strike oil, Hive Mind! What's your favorite term of endearment for A-rabs?
posted by rob511 15 June | 06:27
I've got a ninth grade history essay to write by tomorrow on the American Civil War. Can anyone tell me, in 500 words or more, why the Northern forces lost? And you better make it snappy. I paid $5 for this and I want to go out with my buddies, but my mom says I can't until I get my homework done.
posted by Orange Swan 15 June | 08:28
I've written a really cool book about a Australian girl named Peggie who falls in love with a Roman Catholic priest and has his baby, only everyone thinks Peggie's husband is really the father. I had to work really, really hard on it and do all sorts of research about what it was like to grow up in Austria and ride horses and herd sheep and everything. My friends say wow, it's just the best thing they ever read. My mom and dad say they're really proud of me. I think it could like win the Noble prize for books or something. How do I apply for that?
posted by Orange Swan 15 June | 08:46
My computer doesn't work right. How do I fix it? And don't give me a bunch of Internet dweeb IT Star Wars Dr. Spock FORTRON MySpace Mom's basement mumbo jumbo about error messages or the precise nature of the problem or what kind of computer it is. Can you do that, you sexless freaks?
posted by box 15 June | 08:48
Thinking about getting my mouth wired shut for weight loss(for about a month or so)--good idea or bad idea, you make the call. Um...
posted by matthewr 15 June | 09:06
Who likes to fuck? Discuss.
posted by cobra! 15 June | 09:06
I think I need a breast enlargement. Here's a picture of me naked. What do you all think?
posted by Orange Swan 15 June | 09:08
How can I get my boyfriend to start smoking? His ass is so fat that the sex I'm having with my drug dealing neighbors is better than with him. I don't want to leave because he's rich and I know smoking makes you thin and glamorous. Can I just apply nicotine patches to his back with increasing frequency until he starts lighting up?
posted by Cunning Linguist 15 June | 09:10
I want to have a child. Specifically my neighbor's little girl. Do I have to soundproof my basement or will duct tape work just as well? And what are the best free video editing programs? I'm on a mac.
posted by Cunning Linguist 15 June | 09:16
What's your favorite color?
posted by omiewise 15 June | 09:16
Which is better Mac or Wintel?

Help me decide H2 or Expedition?

Why won't the Palestinians just shut up?

Why are fat people so lazy and why don't they just eat less?

Is it OK to make fun of the kids on the short bus if their feelings aren't hurt because they really think you are just being friendly?

Of course, the real trick would be to get one that isn't deleted before the party starts or even never gets deleted. I am not sure if any of the suggestions on this page would meet that standard.
posted by caddis 15 June | 09:19
I work with a lot of people who have HIV. Because of confidentiality issues I'm not suppossed to reveal their names to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think God gave them AIDS to punish them for their sinfulness and I think part of the punishment should be that everyone else knows that they're sick. How can I reveal their names to as many people as possible without getting caught? [names inside]
posted by omiewise 15 June | 09:21
I work in human resources for a large company, my boyfriend- who just might be the one- committed a minor crime that he didn't report on his application 25 years ago. Should I get a Brazilian wax?
posted by drezdn 15 June | 09:23
I'd like to adopt a child. I think I'd like a little black girl because they're so cute when they're small. When they get older they have too much attitude and get fat and wear stupid turbans and caftans, but if I bring her up right, that shouldn't happen. Anyway, I'm told I could go to Africa and adopt a child, but I don't see why I should make the trip over there when there are plenty of black kids here. Why can't I just go to a ghetto and grab a kid? Everyone knows that black people don't care about their kids - that's why so many children starve to death in Ethiopia. (It just breaks my heart that their parents can't be bothered to feed them.) So I guess what I really need to know, is where's the nearest ghetto? I'm in Alabama.
posted by Orange Swan 15 June | 09:26
I'm fat and sometimes my cat will cut me when it gets trapped in one of the rolls. I can't afford a vet because I got a really good deal on a $5000 laptop on ebay. Unfortunately all I got was a box of rocks, but the seller- who was a great guy, told me the mail people must have switched it. What's the best way to declaw my cat at home. Also, when I get bored I try to stare at my penis, I think it