I'm really not good with this kind of stuff (just ask my ex-bf) so I'll just send happy, supportive thoughts your way.

You can't make it less hard on her, because that implies you have a relationship, and right now, you don't. You need to cut off all contact with her for awhile (probably at least several months). Don't call, don't e-mail, don't text. Don't follow her around on MySpace or Facebook. Use your time for you- to hang out with other friends, to start a new hobby, to watch a million movies and eat ice cream every night. Whatever you do, don't run to her for support.

It's hard. It sucks. It's wounding. You both will get over it in (more than you would expect) time.

Second everything TPS says.

Don't see her. Don't talk on the phone with her. It might be hard on the both of you for a while but it's the only way to get over the immense pain of a recent breakup in my experience.

You want to comfort her but you can't. Her friends and family will have to do that.

Be prepared that she will probably resent you for a while (or forever) and that she might send you angry letters or emails or whatever. If you must communicate with her do it only to tell her that you think you should wait a while before talking again.

After some time has passed (no-one can tell you how long it will take and it might never happen) you will be ready to talk to her again and maybe she will feel the same way. Then maybe you can become friends. Maybe.

On preview: What TPS said.

Oh, and good luck. It sucks, I know. I'm sorry.

1. Her happiness or lack thereof is not your responsibility
2. Your happiness is yours and it's in your control
3. Life's too short for guilt over this.

Things you can do: play psych experiment and put a heavy rubberband around your wrist. Every time you think about her or feel guilty about her, snap it hard. You'll train yourself to not think about her.

Hit a bar or two. Plan something you want to do. Treat yourself well.

added to what everyone else said:

do a total clean sweep, physically, electronically, et cetera. archive /backup / put away any and all:

- gifts
- photos
- emails
- papers
- gadgets
- books
- clothes

... et cetera that are/were 'hers' and/or may remind you of her. i'm serious - box 'em up, give 'em back or toss 'em out so you won't constantly be seeing this stuff lying around and be reminded of her. i'm talking everything down to and including hairbands and that silly-looking christmas tree ornament she knitted.

additionally:

- delete her IM accounts
- change your email / online account passwords
- 'unfriend' her from your myspace / facebook / livejournal, etc.
- unbookmark her blog(s)
- remove any of her RSS feeds, etc.

this all may seem very, very harsh. believe me, it is not. trust me. i'm a veteran of this sort of thing. it's like ripping a bandaid off - best to do it in one quick stab than draw it out, dude.

use this as an excuse to do some spring cleaning -- it's a very head-clearing and cathartic process. play some loud pissy thrash music whilst doing it, get mad, throw shit, break stuff, whatever.

also, dudes do 'retail therapy' too, don't kid yourself - if you have a little spare saved up anywhere, use it to buy yourself something nice.

oh and while you're at it, now's the time to take up any and all new hobbies / projects you've been putting off forever. anything that gets you out of the house and away from moping is good.

i'm sorry. there is no easy way to let anyone down. i seriously thing there's no good way to 'just be friends' until you've both moved quite a good ways down the road. i'm friends with a couple of my exes, but it took me a minimum of 2-3 years to be emotionally detached enough from them to get there. cutting all ties after the breakup seems to have helped me to get back there.

we're here for you.

My guy friends say a trip to see the strippers helps one get over a break up.

lonefrontranger is 100% right.

dudes do 'retail therapy' too, don't kid yourself - if you have a little spare saved up anywhere, use it to buy yourself something nice.

This is true.

Good advice in this thread. And I think it's pretty clear you're doing the right thing.

I will add something simple (and this is something that I really didn't think would work and/or be particularly healthy, but is does/is); when you find yourself thinking about her: DON'T. Distract yourself, get up out of the chair you're sitting and go wash your cereal bowl or what-have-you. Really. Just don't think about her.

And of course, we MetaChazens are always good for distraction and whuffles.

*whuffle*

Don't get drunk and call the ex, either. There is nothing more dope than breaking up, getting sloppy drunk, and calling the ex. I've been the callee too many times in that scenario, not to make a point in this thread of how incredibly lame that is.

If you're gonna drink, put all the phones in lockup first, and tell your friends not to lend you theirs.

What was said above (except for the part about strippers), plus: Don't go have rebound sex with someone you don't really care about, unless it's very clearly and obviously stated and both of you agree that it's purely friend sex with no expectations.

There is nothing more dope than breaking up, getting sloppy drunk, and calling the ex.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

ya, what mats said - on no account do, or should you ever, involve anyone else in a relationship until and unless you've recovered sufficiently from your last breakup. seriously, take some time out for yourself. i personally wasted about five years going from one dysfunctional, shallow, codependent relationship to another before i finally gave myself a timeout and fixed my own head on the whole deal.

and paulsc is right on, whether or not he's dropped a y somewhere or is making a usage faux pas according to the urbandictionary pundits. drunkdialling is lame, dopey, emo, asstastic and in generally poor form. Don't. Do. It.

no drunkdialling. no drunktexting. no drunken emails, drunken IM-erry, drunken myspacing or drunken craigslist hookups... well on that last point, your mileage may vary but in general i don't recommend it.

good luck. oh and this is also the best chance you're ever going to have to have a ceremonial burning of that godforsaken justin timberlake / kelly clarkson (or whomever) CD she left behind.

It's a lot like being a werewolf during the full moon. You need a good friend who will chain you to the bed while you howl, and feed you before and after. A good friend is a good handyperson, too, and will make sure your manacles are sturdy but comfortable and well-secured to bedposts nailed to studs in the wall.

When you're howling and straining at your bonds, just remember: the madness will pass.

I second, third, and fourth the advice in this thread. Indeed, I wish I'd learned all that earlier. Present situation excepted, any attempt to be friends or help emotionally ended up turning what could have been a clean-ish break into a long, drawn-out, slow motion train wreck, ending in neither of us ever speaking to the other again. You can't provide emotional support for her. That's no longer your function in her life, and doing so may give her false hope. As said above, she has friends and family to help her with that.

Take care of yourself. Get drunk with your friends (but god no don't go near the phone), if you have the wherewithal maybe get out of town for a weekend or more, hang out with people who care about you. I also agree with the wise matildaben on the rebound sex thing. Wait a bit, at least--it's not just the other person's feelings that may get out of hand, you may try to fill that howling void left by a recently ended relationship, and that's not going to do you any favours, either. If you and the other person can handle casual sex, fine. Otherwise, run like hell. During my last major single period, a friend and I came up with the 3 day rule: if you sleep with someone and suddenly think you're falling for them, wait at least three days to have any contact with them. Chances are it's hormones, and will pass.

That said, good luck. People forget that it's also hard to be the instigator in a break-up. Whuffles and hugs to you, and best of luck sticking to your guns.

Echoing and endorsing what everyone else has said.

Remember that by not supporting her right now, you actually are actively helping her -- you're teaching her that she has other resources, and that she can depend on those resources in the future. That's an important lesson; it's how you feel less alone after a break-up. You can only teach her that she can find her own way by letting her find her own way.

Abide, dude.

You're going to get over this, so why not start now?

Time heals.

Thanks all. It's hard not to feel like I could have done something more to keep things going. I almost feel like someone's died. The trouble is that I'll be happier out of the relationship, but she won't.

You can only teach her that she can find her own way by letting her find her own way.

I am in awe of the wisdom.

The trouble is that I'll be happier out of the relationship, but she won't.

What a ridiculous thing to say. You mean to tell me that the highlight of this girl's life is being with some dude that didn't love her? No way, jose. Get over yourself. And I mean that in a good way. Once you realize she will be fine without you (and she will, at some point), you'll be able to let go of the guilt and move on.

I agree with TPS. This may be hard for her right now, but given the long view, she's going to be just fine. I think often of the people I've broken up with (ok, who broke up with me) and how, at the time, I thought my world was crumbling. And now, I am deeply thankful that my life took a different direction. She will be fine given time and perspective.

But of course you'll feel sad. There is a natural grief when anything ends, even something that wasn't perfect.

I am in awe of the wisdom.

Hee. It is, however, the truth.

Also, this:

You mean to tell me that the highlight of this girl's life is being with some dude that didn't love her? No way, jose. Get over yourself.

is so so true. My ex-boyfriend expressing similar sentiments -- that he couldn't break up with me because it would ruin my life -- is what led me to break up with him. I'm not that pathetic, and I certainly didn't want to be with someone who thought of me that way.

One option that nobody has explored is to act like such an arsehole towards her that she wants nothing more to do with you. Some of us find that effortless, you may have to work at it, I don't know.

Oh and: you are not as important to her as you seem to think you are. She'll get over it, you should too.

BTDT too. As above ref deleting access to her. If you really care about her, leaving her alone is good. She'll need to heal. It's good for you, too. Go for catharsis and then get involved with doing stuff for other people. That's always better than stewing, and you might do third parties some actual good.

It's alright to not feel bad. Seriously.