Whenever I eat a meal, I always find myslef thinking "If you got murdered today, when they did the autopsy, this is what they'd find in your stomach.

That's pretty morbid. Both the thought and most of the meals.

Oh, I hear you on the morbid thoughts thing. I've had an enlarged lymph node on my neck for two years. I was finally sent to a specialist who did an MRI and said it was at a size "for concern". A surgery date was scheduled. The day of the day-stay surgery, the node couldn't be found. So, no surgery. But I still find it nearly every day since. And on days like today, when the whole side of my neck feels strange, I'm convinced there's a serious problem in there.
(But have I been back to the doctor's since? No.)

I was thinking, the other day, about the logistics of my parent's death. If both of them died at the same time, would I have to take care of all the funeral stuff? Who would pay to fly my brother home from Europe? If my mum dies, who will take care of my dad? I don't even own a black dress! It makes me sort of sad to think about it.

Pretty dark stuff; perhaps I've been alone a bit too much recently.

Gah.

People like me can't afford to "go there" because we get stuck and can't get out.

Be careful.

(And jonmc, I'm convinced that when your time comes, they will find a pickled pig's foot.)

I was thinking, the other day, about the logistics of my parent's death.

As the oldest of five kids, I was constantly obsessed with the idea that my parents would die and I would be responsible for my siblings. I swear that's the genesis of my lifelong insomnia. I wouldn't call it a "fantasy" per se, but I would visualize and plan for every contingency in detail.

Nowadays, I worry about my husband and/or me dying. Specifically, having to break the news to the kid(s). I can't explore the options in detail, though, as it is far too painful for me to really consider.

I think it's totally normal.

Let me clarify by saying it's "loosing my spouse suddenly" - like in a car accident or a heart attack - not like being left.

And I hear you, redvixen, when I was laying in a room after my numerous (it seemed to me) mammogram-ish proceedures, I thought, well, this is it, I have breast cancer. I was ok, but the funny thing was, I was strangely at peace with getting diagnosed.

I think jonmc's stomach contents should totally be listed in his newspaper obit.

(if i die tonight, it'll just be beer and leftover pizza, in case you were wondering)

And I hear you, redvixen, when I was laying in a room after my numerous (it seemed to me) mammogram-ish proceedures, I thought, well, this is it, I have breast cancer. I was ok, but the funny thing was, I was strangely at peace with getting diagnosed.

Before I knew that my back pain was kidney stones, I remember going through all the tests at this ghetto-ass clinic over by the Astoria Houses and thinking to myself while I got poked and probed by bored and/or tired nurses, 'isn't it weird that such momentous events should take place in such banal surroundings.' I especially remember this dude in the waiting room sitting there with his girlfriend. They were discussing AIDS, he said 'You should stay away from those African countries like Niagra.'

Oy.

I think about things like this a lot too. Often when I'm driving on the highway I wonder if I'm going to die in a car accident. If I would have time to call anyone before I was gone.

Every time that I close my eyes for even the briefest of moments I see myself as a hand made of pure nothingness reaching down and touching the crust of the earth like a feather softly landing on the beach. The touch sets off a chain of destruction that erupts every volcano, sets off every fault line, detonates every nuke and generally whispers goodnight to the human race.

Wait maybe you weren't talking about that.

/waves to rainbaby

Anyone ever hold a knife and for one fraction of a second you have this overwhelming thought about what it would be like to just stab yourself in the gut with it? And then a quarter of a second later you're just like "What the hell?? Why would I ever do that?" but still...

There was some comedian who talked about the same type of thing, only when you're holding a baby and you get this sudden urge to just... throw it. My friends and that comedian know what I'm talkinga bout, so if I'm crazy, at least I'm not alone.

When I was commuting to a hospital on the Interstate I would sometimes imagine a car driving alongside mine. The driver of the car would then proceed to shoot me in the head.

As a mother you are constantly checking on your infants for signs of life. A couple instances, when I was dead exhausted, I would think, "If he is dead there is nothing I can do about it. I will get some sleep now, and then alert the proper authorities and family when I wake up."

If I am on a balcony, I have fears that my kids will topple over the railing.

Oh the bullet in the head thing I totally get. Once in a while I'll get a flash of a scene where some sniper hits me while I'm driving home. It's so vivid. A shot to the face, back of the head explodes, brains everywhere. Gah. Oh and sometimes I'm stabbed to death by a total stranger while I'm asleep. And then there's the choking on something I ate but no one's home to perform the Heimlich thing so I die. And sometimes I think about brain hemorrhages. Good god I have to get out of this thread right now.

I had sinusitis that wouldn't go away for three months. At one point, sick in bed, I thought about what would happen if it was really a brain tumor (I was scheduled for a CAT scan the next day, I think). So I made up a list of everyone who would be invited to "Brina's Brain Cancer Benefit," which I planned to hold at a local amusement park as a formal event with major bands playing short sets during the evening.

Obviously I wasn't that sick.

Oddly, my uncle died three days ago and I found out tonight. Had just gotten off the phone with my aunt when I found this thread.

If he is dead there is nothing I can do about it. I will get some sleep now, and then alert the proper authorities and family when I wake up."
For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who ever had this thought. I've since come to realize that everyone thinks it, but no one admits it. (This is true of many things in motherhood.)

I'm very sorry for your loss brina.

thanks, jrossi. we weren't very close, but there's still a weird sort of emotional moan that happens when a relative dies. it's like another tendril of your history fading away, and then there's the ensuing chaos of family interactions that might not normally take place.

anyway, i wasn't intending to derail. please carry on with morbid thoughts!

only when you're holding a baby and you get this sudden urge to just... throw it.

That sounds like homicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts or, well, something.

I have held infants and never had an urge to throw them.

I hate flying. While boarding, I will invariably "see" the plane falling, cut into pieces, bodies scattered and whatever other freak image will pop in my mind at that moment. I do not know why this happens to me. I should not even begin to describe what I think when turbulence hits. I hate flying, did I mention that?

I had sinusitis that wouldn't go away for three months. At one point, sick in bed, I thought about what would happen if it was really a brain tumor

Aha! That's a big one (and very recent) too! Only, I am *sure* I have a brain tumor. I also know where it is: behind my right eye. Tell that to the doctor who's gonna do the autopsy.

That sounds like homicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts or, well, something.

I know it sounds really weird but I've asked others about it and they know EXACTLY what I mean. It's hard to explain.

As for the babythrowing thing,

FOUND IT!!

I sometimes wonder how people I know online would find out if I died suddenly. I mean, I live alone, my sister is 150 miles away, and she has no idea who my online friends are. I suppose I should leave a note with my will asking for someone to email everyone in my address book or something, should I die suddenly.

jan, I was thinking just the same last night.

Well not about you jan.
but.
well.
You get the idea. Right?

I thought about establishing a chatpal thingy (although the name I came up with was better - but I can't remember it right now), maybe on the wiki, where people match up to give each other (whoever you choose for your "pal") their real life contact info so that we can keep track of each other in case of emergency or whatever. Purely optional, obviously.

This may sound morbid, but having watched people I loved greatly die long, debilitating deaths, I found that I was thinking about my own death far too much, and that it bothered me enormously to think I might ever descend into a similar state of practical helplessness. I read with interest Dereck Humphry's Final Exit, and have put in place measures to assure my irrational fears need not come about.

With those in place, I found that most of my idle speculations regarding my mortality have ceased. Of course, one cannot prepare for all possible contigencies, but basics have been enough for me.

I was just thinking yesterday about shooting a bunch of people that had kidnapped a friends children. That was quite dark. Telling the kids to shut their eyes and then letting the kidnappers have it.

I've also recently considered...
- The order in which I would let my friends die in a hostage situation.
- Opening the door of a moving vehicle and throwing myself off.
- The best place to throw myself off the local bypass. (Do I go for falling on the railings, the stream or the posh car)
- Various cool ways of crashing a car for maximum collateral damage.
- How to assassinate famous people.
- The best way to blow up a significant part of London.

I think it's pretty normal the think morbid thoughts. At least I hope it is.

I'd have to say that the majority of my morbid thoughts are nearly all like Seanyboy's.
With the added thought of "What if that bus I'm waiting for has been hijacked by extremists and is full of explosives, and it is going to blow up as soon as it pulls up to me." and so forth.

I'm glad I'm not alone.

I thought about establishing a chatpal thingy (although the name I came up with was better - but I can't remember it right now)

TPS and I have already sorted that out with each other. mr. gaspode has all of her contact information for when I die a horrible death, so she can inform y'all.

So I'm not alone. As we climbed each and every tower we could find in Tuscany last week ( Leaning tower in Pisa, Florence Duomo, Torre del mangia Siena, The one topped with a tree in Lucca, etc., etc.,) I kept imagining my bright blond 9 year old falling over the side. I felt sick every time. But since I don't want my kids to be defined by my quirks they think I have vertigo when I climb a tall building. This catastophic thinking can be difficult to deal with during times of stress when it can become almost compulsive. But otherwise, and guessing from y'alls comments here it seems to be normal.

Odd how everyone thinks they're alone in thinking these thoughts until, well, someone posts a thread. Heh.

I worry about the mister dying. Sometimes he'll be so quiet when we're sleeping I put my hand on him to make sure he's still breathing. And then I wonder what I'd do if he were actually dead. Will I wear "widow's weeds" for the rest of my life? Will I do myself in? How will I support myself? What if I've become a Canadian citizen before he dies? Will I go back to the U.S. or stay?

I wonder what will happen if I choke on some food (or die another way) while I'm home alone. What will the cats and dog do to me? How will the mister react?

I fantasize about what I'd do if I have cancer. At any rate, I'd have a reason to shave my head - yay!

I don't know that I'd call myself lucky, but I do know what I'll most likely die from - complications from diabetes. Those complications (blindness, amputation, kidney disease, dialysis) aren't nearly as fun to think about as cancer.

On the parental front - I just wish my mum would get a will done. It's going to be hard enough for my siblings and myself to deal with her death without adding that complication.

Oh deborah, you've reminded me of some of my own morbid thoughts: what if my parents die and no one calls me? (they live in another state). What if I get in a car accident, go into a coma, and my cell phone gets destroyed? How will anyone at the hospital know who to contact?

I have MS, and it's not that bad. Took me a while to come to terms with it, and I did get a bit cranky thinking about worst case scenarios (blind, incontinent, unable to feel sexual pleasure, in a wheelchair). Realistically, I doubt that any of that will happen. I'll probably just get more uncoordinated and flakey.

I used to worry that my child would die in her sleep. Anytime she slept longer or heavier than usual, I'd lean over her and make certain she was breathing or gently poke her until she wriggled.

I've sometimes thought about certain belongings I wouldn't want family going thru if I died suddenly. I'd be sitting in traffic & think, "better burn that letter, oh, that sex toy might cause a stir, better get rid of that dress..."

What if I get killed by some idiot while I'm driving to work and my poor client is left hanging round waiting for me?

I'll be really upset if my daughter gets MS.I somehow feel that I should be able to protect her from everything. Sometimes I work with teens going thru detox, and she is getting closer to their ages, so I have visions of her being taken advantage of by nasty boys with bad haircuts and sniffing glue. I come home & cuddle her & tell her she isn't going out util she is 30. Then I wonder if she thinks I'm a crazy person.

Oh, I was shocked at myself earlier this week for feeling almost smug over the rammings of the Japanese whaling ships. I was rather hoping they'd sink.