Ear plugs and a slow burning resentment.

The one causing the disturbance goes. Usually it's him because he snores like a freight train driven by a cat in heat. But I'm a tossy turny insomniac, so it's not uncommon for me to end up on the sofa. Right now I have the bed to myself because I need the space.

That sounds about right. The one tossing and coughing moves unless he or she is really ill.

In the IRFH household, the one who is having the trouble sleeping normally moves to the couch. Sometimes this turns out to be the one causing the disturbance, sometimes it means the disturbed. When I get a cold, I normally just camp out on the couch to begin with.

My wife falls asleep early and sleeps quietly and more or less in the same position. I fall asleep late and snore like a motherfucker and breakdance and do a little golden gloves boxing in my sleep, also the dog likes to wedge herself underneath my kidney for warmth which sometimes causes me to wake up suddenly thinking an alien is burrowing out of my guts, to which I have a violent and vocal reaction.

My wife either suffers through this, wakes me up and tells me to sleep on my side or moves out to the couch herself. If I am sick or due to our shitty landlord heat is not good in the kids room then the kid sleeps with mom in our room where the heat is good and I sleep on the couch because I'm old school like that.

In the end the upshot is that, in general, people need to sleep and sometimes someone has to fly the couch for the night and there shouldn't be any hard feeling about that. Don't feel terrible.

My husband snores something fierce, and I'm the world's lightest sleeper...once someone actually dropped a pin onto the floor next to my side of the bed, and I woke up. And if there is anyone alive who loves sleep more than I do I'd like to meet their lazy ass. Anyway, I am sort of resentful about the snoring, because when we first lived together he didn't snore at all, and when we got married he didn't snore either. So the snoring came as a surprise.

Anyway, if I can't stand it I go sleep on the sofa, or in my daughter's bedroom (she's at college), but I want my own bed, and I do get pissed. But he falls asleep hours before I do, and if I walk into the bedroom at midnight and he's already sound asleep and snoring happily away, it would be really mean to wake him up and kick him out, so I trudge begrudgingly to another bed or sofa, dragging my favorite blankie behind me.

The earplug solution only works for a day or two, and then the insides of my ears are so sore that I can barely touch them, and I have to forego the earplugs for a few days to let them simmer down.

Also, I have a wind machine and I know how to use it.

My husaband has slept on the couch several times, usually because he falls asleep watching television. Our couch is really comfy too, and the nights he sleeps on the couch are peaceful. He doesn't mind, we're both happy with the arrangement. I get especially whiny and fretful when I have to work in the morning. I am worried that I won't get enough sleep. My husband understands, keeps the house quiet, and usually falls asleep on the couch because he doesn't want to go to bed early.

He also snores sometimes and it drives me insane. If I can get to sleep before he joins me to bring the house down all is well. Usually I will go to bed before him to get a head start. If I am still awake, I nudge and plead, and whine and beg. Sometimes one or both of the kids will climb into bed with us, and sometimes my husband will leave to sleep in their empty bed. In the morning it's always fun to discover where each person ended up sleeping.

muddgirl: I cohabited with a large, restless snorer for nearly ten years. Not only that, he also tended to thrash around and crowd/steamroller me. Let me just state for the record that spooning is really only comfortable when your partner doesn't outweigh you by more than sixty pounds. He also slept like a rock and I'm an easily disturbed light sleeper, so if I couldn't sleep, I moved.

However, I also concur that the one to move really should be the one who is restless and/or coughing. So the answer to this, like many things in life is: it depends.

I agree though that any couple sharing a bed is going to encounter times of restlessness, and that there should really never be any hard feelings or guilt about either party having to couch-surf on occasion.

Also, I'd chalk this up to a fantastic opportunity for learning how to communicate openly with your partner, as well as getting some insight to where you both fit along the Ask vs. Guess continuum.

Sleeping (as in actual sleeping) with your partner is SO overrated. Ideally I'd love to just get together in a big bed to cuddle, have a quiet chat, have sex, read the paper, drink tea, whatever, but do my actual sleeping in my very own bedroom that I do not have, but wish that I did.

Seperate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house have always worked for me. That probably explains a lot.

Maybe I feel bad because I am, at times, a terrible snorer, and he's never kicked me onto the couch.

Anyway, I just talked to my dear S.O. on the phone, and he claims that he decided to move to the couch when he woke me up, and was surprised to find he had fallen asleep there. What a cutie!

Seperate bedrooms at opposite ends of the house have always worked for me.

I used to listen to Dr. Laura, up until she claimed that couples who slept apart were perverse and on the road to D-I-V-O-R-C-E. This confused me, since my parents often sleep apart (she's a snorer and he's a tosser-turner, which is a bad combo), and they're still happily married.

Dr. Laura is a fool. People shouldn't ever heed any advice from her more complex than buttering toast. She has the emotional nuance and tact of cavity search. Anyway.

Talk about it. Find a balance. Some folks totally enjoy having private bedrooms, and snuggling in either at will. Some can't bear the thought of sleeping apart and will stay up all night talking about it rather than going to bed mad, or bear unsufferable snoring, sharp elbows, etc, happily.

I think most folks probably want a balance. Together is nice. Alone is nice. Either can be just perfect depending on shifting needs.

As much as I abuse it and avoid it, sleep is important. Especially quality sleep. Get it however you can and be flexible and open with each other so you don't burn out.

We both pretty much sleep like the dead, but when we added a crying baby/sick baby into the picture, we quickly saw the wisdom of "one person should get some sleep".

I snore like a band saw, so in the name of good marital relations, I had a sleep study done to see if I have apnea (I do), so now I sleep with a CPAP machine hooked up to me, which makes me feel like I'm in an H. R. Giger painting, but apparently I'm much quieter. I'm still on the early side of using this device and I can't say that I like it very much.

I agree with most posters so far...the restless one should move to the couch/other bed/whatever. My husband snores, the dog scratches, the neighbors make noise. I sleep with earplugs every night. There are nights when I just simmer because in addition to snoring, the Mr. also gets restless leg syndrome and makes the bed shake every two minutes, but I don't want to get up. Occasionally he claims I snore too, but more than once he admitted that it was probably the dog.

Sleeping (as in actual sleeping) with your partner is SO overrated.

Agreed, iconomy - it's too bad there isn't a Relationships 101 FAQ kinda deal with this as one of the Ten Commandments or something.

However I will say that here again "it depends". My current not only sleeps like a log (and a quiet log at that), but he's also nearly the same height/weight as me (IOW, Not A Big Dude). The ability to share a bed without being deafened, pummelled, smothered, smashed, bruised or in any other way pissed off or fraught with insomnia has reintroduced me to the Joys of Bedsharing, particularly in the recent subzero cold.

In the end the upshot is that, in general, people need to sleep and sometimes someone has to fly the couch for the night and there shouldn't be any hard feeling about that. Don't feel terrible.

Thank you for saying this. I snore like a banshee and sometimes my boyfriend can sleep through it and sometimes he can't because he's one of them light sleeper-types. We alternate who goes to the couch and most of the time, it depends on who got the most sleep the night before.

This reminds me of a funny story that started out for a sad reason. When my uncle Dan died not long after I graduated from college, I took a few days off of work to drive out with my parents to Arizona for the funeral. My sister joined us there a day or two later, and all four of us shared a bedroom in my aunt's house. Now, my sister and I shared a room for half of our lives and the four of us would share a bedroom during family vacations, but we hadn't had a vacation together since before I got my driver's license. We all knew that Dad snored, and I knew that Mom snored, but up until then, I didn't know that I snored. However, my sister definitively discovered that she was the only non-snorer in a room full of them! (Oddly, too, my sister is also the only one of the four of us not to need glasses full-time; she only needs hers for reading.)

Sleeping (as in actual sleeping) with your partner is SO overrated.

I don't know... I like being able to cuddle up just before I sleep and I like being able to cuddle just after I get up, under the same blankets. Plus, my current boyfriend and I get up around the same time on the weekend, so if that morning cuddling leads to other morning activities, who am I to complain?

If I move around in my sleep and it bothers the BF, he moves. He feels bad about waking me up to adjust me, so I find him on the couch in the morning. I do the same with him - I don't like to wake him up unless something is on fire or whatever.

Usually I get on the couch, because mr. g is both a loud snorer and a heavy sleeper. Also, he likes to sleep on top of me. Many are the nights when I wake at 4am to find him LITERALLY sleeping completely on top of me, head to toe (I sleep on my stomach most of the time). He claims to never remember rolling on top of me, but I have my suspicions...

Anyway, it shouldn't bother you.

Make sure the couch is comfy enough, and consider getting a futon or other 2nd bed, so it won't be a bad option.

Sleeping (as in actual sleeping) with your partner is SO overrated.

Sleeping in bed is a great comfort to me and so sleeping in bed with my partner is also a great comfort. But then, I don't recall ever really having problems sleeping because of my partner. I wonder why that is? I can't recall anyone ever sleeping on the couch for this reason, either. Hmm.

'pode, that's hilarious. In Cincinnati, at the komodo dragon exhibit, I often saw the male do this to the female. She'd look quite distressed, trying to lift herself out from under his weight, her long pink tongue flicking in the air. It wasn't even sexual; he just liked laying on top of her.

My ex and I were not satisfied until we slept on different sides of the Mississippi and separated by an entire time zone.

One fun part of separate living arrangements (within the same zip code cluster) is when you each end up at the other's place for the night and neither one feels like moving. "Hey, would you feed the cat?" "Sure, would you wash the toilet?"

gaspode, I lol'd.

Yeah, I guess it's funny if you not living it.

hee! I'm totally telling mr. g he's a komodo dragon!

I actually have trouble sleeping when Mrs. Mitheral isn't home. After a couple days I'm a complete wreck from fitful sleep.

The earplug solution only works for a day or two, and then the insides of my ears are so sore that I can barely touch them, and I have to forego the earplugs for a few days to let them simmer down.

I've got the same problem on one side. If this comes up a lot Custom molded plugs might be a good option. I was looking into it for workshop use but I decided to get noise cancelling ear muffs instead.

I actually have trouble sleeping when Mrs. Mitheral isn't home. After a couple days I'm a complete wreck from fitful sleep.

The earplug solution only works for a day or two, and then the insides of my ears are so sore that I can barely touch them, and I have to forego the earplugs for a few days to let them simmer down.

I've got the same problem on one side. If this comes up a lot Custom molded plugs might be a good option. I was looking into it for workshop use but I decided to get noise cancelling ear muffs instead.

I hate sleeping without the mister; our queen-sized bed is wayyy too big without him in it.

On subject: if there's a problem, I move to the couch or futon. The mister is the money-maker and needs his sleep. I can always nap later in the day.

On the plus side we're both deep sleepers and can sleep through each other's snoring. He usually only disturbs me when I can't sleep anyway or he's having a bad dream and kicking the evil things that are chasing him. He was kicking the night before last (werewolves were attacking him). Good thing he was facing the wall and kicked it or he'd have kicked me or the dog or one of the two cats. That would be bad.