MetaChat - It's time for another "Capn Gives Bad Advice" day.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? Should I delete my Flickr profile, as it almost got me into trouble at work?

posted by tr33hggr 01 February | 09:32

Can Alfred J. Prufrock really sing?

posted by bunnyfire 01 February | 09:34

Shall I part my hair behind?

Everyone parts their hair on one side or the other, no one parts their hair front to back, from one ear to the other. Be a trendsetter.

Do I dare to eat a peach?

I think the important question is, do you daren't?!

Should I delete my Flickr profile, as it almost got me into trouble at work?

No, you should delete it because, in Web 3.0, people will no longer be looking to Big Media for their content, they'll be looking to Independent Content Creators, and you're gonna miss out on those phat, phat Web 3.0 IPO dollarz if you're just giving away pictures of dudes dressed as Mr. T and flowers that look a little bit like lady-parts. THAT STUFF IS GOLD.

posted by Capn 01 February | 09:40

I appear to have picked up a stalker. Is this a good thing?

posted by TheDonF 01 February | 09:41

Can Alfred J. Prufrock really sing?

It is a well known Scientific Fact that anyone with the word "rock" in their name can really tear it up on stage.

posted by Capn 01 February | 09:41

Oh, man! I so missed "Capn Gives Bad Advice" days!

Dear Capn, is it true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Do I need any special tools?

posted by taz 01 February | 09:45

LOL

posted by tr33hggr 01 February | 09:46

Duck season or Wabbit season?

posted by arse_hat 01 February | 09:53

I appear to have picked up a stalker. Is this a good thing?

In the 1800's most most families employed the services of a stalker and upper-crust households often had live-in stalkers amongst the staff. Of course, in those days people ate a lot more celery and rhubarb, and much of the labor-saving celery technology that the modern housewife employs in her day to day chores was not available then.

To this day Queen Elizabeth II maintains the office of Royal Stalker, the position is largely ceremonial, granted to some favored captain of industry or war veteran. The Royal Stalker (whose official title is Her Majesty's Stalker-Royal, and is thus granted the honor of suffixing "HRM S.R." to his or her name) is invited to Winsor Palace once a year on New Year's Day to prepare all the rhubarb pies that the Queen will consume that year (3).

This, however, is the exception, and the Stalker-Royal is really the only professional stalker today. There is, however still an active and vibrant community of amateur stalkers, and they have taken full advantage of the connecting and collaborating powers of The Internet.

If you have attracted the attention of one of these amateur stalkers, by all means, feel honored.

posted by Capn 01 February | 09:54

Dear Capn, is it true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Do I need any special tools?

Actually, the way to a man's heart is the sharing of common interests, attention, compassion, and patience. The only special tools you need are your charming wit and the love in your heart that shines out through your face for all the world to see.

Oh, and an awsome rack.

posted by Capn 01 February | 10:03

is it true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach?
This depends on the man, but if you would like an encouraging test case to experiment with... well, I am willing to make that kind of sacrifice for you.

Do I need any special tools?
A pastry cutter. And yes, certainly, an awesome rack. Of lamb. Wit is optional, unless you have the sort of wit that is tangible and garlic-and-rosemary flavored.

posted by Wolfdog 01 February | 10:19

Should I quit my job and join an internation crime ring, devoted to undermining the new world order?

posted by muddgirl 01 February | 10:29

Duck season or Wabbit season?

Hunting regulations are just another NWO's attempts to curb your constitutional right to bear arms. Shoot what you want, when you want, with whatever you want.

posted by Capn 01 February | 10:49

should I make another cup of kahlua-and-vanilla-coffee-mate-laced coffee? should I get out of this bathrobe and put on pants?

posted by jonmc 01 February | 10:50

Capn,

I'm going to do another write-and-record-an-album-in-a-month project. I need a theme or seed idea. What should I write about?

posted by Miko 01 February | 11:02

Should I quit my job and join an internation crime ring, devoted to undermining the new world order?

First off, it sounds like the job boards you're visiting are way better than the ones I've seen. I think that the answer to this question is fairly obviously 'yes'. The real question is can you be assured of getting the job? And the only way to ensure that is with preparation. Here are some of the questions they may ask you that you should prepare answers for

1) What would you say is your worst quality?

2) If your answer to 1 above was "Sometimes I work too hard" or "I'm too customer focused" or "I get too attached to projects I'm working on", are you mocking this test, or just dumb?

3) How would you rate your lockpicking skills on a scale of "none" to "70's era heist movie"

4) In the space below, please draw what you imagine The Man to look like

5) Do you think selling drugs is wrong, if the money made is put to good ends.

6) If you answered "no" to 5, what are you doing Sunday night, and do you have a van

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:02

should I make another cup of kahlua-and-vanilla-coffee-mate-laced coffee?

Yes, but skip the "-and-vanilla-coffee-mate-laced" part

should I get out of this bathrobe

Yes.

and put on pants?

No.

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:06

Dear Capn:

Should I cut my hair? I have been swimming 3x a week and my hair (which, when not tied back, almost reaches my nipples by now) is just a hassle. Wearing a cap, having to wash it after, to dry or not to dry, etc. etc.

On the plus side, the length of my hair has aphrodisiac qualities for my wife. If I ask her to braid my just-washed hair, there is usually lovemaking within the next 24 hours or so.

So, a quandry. This summer I will be surfing in Kona with an old school friend, so I really need to build up my swimming-paddling. At the same time, I rather enjoy this spell I have on my wife, with long hair.

I think that only you can sort this out. I'm countn on you!

Thank you.

danf

posted by danf 01 February | 11:13

I'm going to do another write-and-record-an-album-in-a-month project. I need a theme or seed idea. What should I write about?

I recently moved to a new apartment, and while moving, I had music on in the background quite often, so I am well acquainted with what the kids are listening to these days.

I think the following topics have been under-served in contemporary music:

*) Boxes
*) Box manufacture and construction techniques
*) The false savings of buying cheap packing tape
*) Why everything is so goddamned heavy
*) "Friends" who agree to help you move, but then scratch all your funiture
*) The lack of an effective and efficient means of finding someone to give boxes to
*) The love a man feels for a woman.

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:30

Capn, while I don't much need any advice right now, I would like to know what makes YOU tick.

Or, if you don't tick, what sound do you make, and why?

posted by richat 01 February | 11:33

Oh, Capn, my Capn, our car's been broken into twice now. The tops of both the front driver's side and passenger's side window frames are bent backwards. It looks like a flying machine. Nothing was taken, mind you.

Should we bother to get it fixed? How might we prevent this in the future? Should we just give the car away to nuns?

posted by Pips 01 February | 11:34

Dear Capn:

I ask very long questions, also, I'm some kind of long-haired hippy

Thank you.

danf

Have you considered very carefully shaving off all your hair and having it made in to a wig? Just go to a pool where no one knows you, and swim with it off, but wear it at all other times.

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:44

Capn, while I don't much need any advice right now, I would like to know what makes YOU tick.

Tuberculosis

posted by Capn 01 February | 11:46

Holy crap, stop it. I'm laughing my ass off, and my coworkers think I'm crazy. Good god.

posted by tr33hggr 01 February | 11:46

Capn, what's the best thing to put in a microwave for spectacular results?

posted by agropyron 01 February | 12:33

I swear someone just asked me this:

If I want to eat Tofu Barbie, am I
gay?
Or just vegan-curious?

How should I respond?

posted by rainbaby 01 February | 12:34

Capn, I'm too nice. Please help me decide on some things to irrationally and indiscriminately hate.

posted by mike9322 01 February | 12:55

Oh, Capn, my Capn, our car's been broken into twice now. The tops of both the front driver's side and passenger's side window frames are bent backwards. It looks like a flying machine. Nothing was taken, mind you.

Should we bother to get it fixed? How might we prevent this in the future? Should we just give the car away to nuns?

If the car now actually flies, you should definitely get it fixed, as this would violate FAA and DOT regulations, otherwise just leave it, maybe hang some streamers and pinwheels from the door frames. As to how to prevent these kinds of break-ins in the future, I find the most effective way is to borrow a page from the urban bicyclist's handbook, when you leave your car, remove the doors and take them with you.

And never, ever, give anything to a nun. Just trust me on this one.

posted by Capn 01 February | 13:03

Capn, what's the best thing to put in a microwave for spectacular results?

A series of smaller microwaves, like Russian nesting dolls.

posted by Capn 01 February | 13:05

I swear someone just asked me this:

If I want to eat Tofu Barbie, am I
gay?
Or just vegan-curious?

How should I respond?

Sexual advances.

posted by Capn 01 February | 13:06

Is there a god? And if so, does he, like the rest of us, prefer Kirk Cameron in his Jason Seaver incarnation?

posted by jrossi4r 01 February | 13:24

Capn,

How far can chemical self-assembly be pushed? And, who is the pusher(wo)man?

posted by safetyfork 01 February | 13:38

How do you do that voodoo that you do so well?

posted by arse_hat 01 February | 13:49

Thanks, Capn. Your non-response has made me decide to irrationally and indiscriminately hate you.

posted by mike9322 01 February | 13:52

Where did you go? What did you do?

posted by safetyfork 01 February | 14:02

Capn, I'm too nice. Please help me decide on some things to irrationally and indiscriminately hate.

*) King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand
*) French Cuffs
*) President's Day Mattress Sales
*) Me
*) The Digital Equipment Corporation
*) California Rolls
*) Super-String Theory
*) The decline of the verb 'wend'
*) Moonroofs
*) The character Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinati
*) Persimmons
*) Carriage-bolts
*) Non-Columbian coffees
*) Tim O'Reilly, of O'Reilly & Associates makes of fine computer books
*) The use of n-apostrophe instead of 'and' in store names
*) Racism

posted by Capn 01 February | 14:13

PS. I realize now that my request for "advice" is how can I achieve these things? Including where you went and what you did, but more importantly pushing chemical self assembly to the limit. TIA, Capn!

posted by safetyfork 01 February | 14:20

Capn, I came into work two hours late, at eleven. (Is was supposed to be one hour, but I took too long in the shower and then the bus was really late.) Also, I have a lunch date, and will leave at noon, probably for an hour.

My boss is not here, but I fear the scorn of my coworkers for my half-assed work day. On a scale on one to ten, how concerned should I be about losing their respect?

Also, you think there's any chance I'll get a goodbye kiss at the end of the lunch date?

posted by Specklet 01 February | 14:27

Is there a god? And if so, does he, like the rest of us, prefer Kirk Cameron in his Jason Seaver incarnation?

God is actually more of a Family Ties fan (although, just between you and me, watching the show, God always thought it was hilarious when He referred to the Micheal J. Fox character as "Marty". No one else laughed).

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:10

How far can chemical self-assembly be pushed? And, who is the pusher(wo)man?

Well, as we seen in nature, chemical self-assembly can produce a human, or a whale, or a mouse or a mighty oak, so it seems that the technique has limitless potential if only we can harness it. As to who the pusher man is, it is none other than the One referenced in the above answer, Kirk Cameron.

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:14

How do you do that voodoo that you do so well?

I find I get the best results if I use fresh corpses. The dried ones will do in a pinch, but it's just not the same.

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:15

jrossi4r: Just so you know, Kirk Cameron played Mike Seaver. Canada's Own Alan Thicke played Jason Seaver. This bit of pedantic information has been brought to you by the magic of the ABC Tuesday night lineup of "Who's the Boss?" "Growing Pains," and "Moonlighting."

Capn: Two things:

1. The "Enter" key on my keyboard is sticking. I already gave it a good and thorough aerosol can-ning. Is there anything else I should try, or should I just get a new keyboard from Facilities?

2. This refers to this sentence above:

This bit of pedantic information has been brought to you by the magic of the ABC Tuesday night lineup of "Who's the Boss?" "Growing Pains," and "Moonlighting."

Did I use the Oxford serial comma correctly? What's the correct usage here? Really?

fucking keyboard

posted by TrishaLynn 01 February | 15:16

Where did you go? What did you do?

I promise you, safest of all forks, that someday I will be able to tell you about my adventures on the high-seas. About the withering attacks from the royal navy, the storms, the leviathan, the day the router went down and no one could check their email, but for the time being, the details of my journey must remain secret, for they could shake the very foundations of our society.

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:18

1. The "Enter" key on my keyboard is sticking. I already gave it a good and thorough aerosol can-ning. Is there anything else I should try, or should I just get a new keyboard from Facilities?

The great thing about the industrial revolution is that it allowed for standardization of parts. Suddenly parts were interchangeable, and the use of non-custom replacement parts was possible. So, for example, your office-neighbor's keyboard will work in your computer just as well if not better than your current one does.

Did I use the Oxford serial comma correctly? What's the correct usage here? Really?

If you were to strictly follow the Oxford style guidelines, the sentence would read as follows:

This bit, of pedantic information; has been brought To You by the "magic" of the A.B.C. Tues-day night lineup -- of "Whom is the Boss?" "Growing Pains,,," and "Moonlighting."!

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:24

My boss is not here, but I fear the scorn of my coworkers for my half-assed work day. On a scale on one to ten, how concerned should I be about losing their respect?

On a scale of one to ten, with one being "not at all concerned", and ten being "most important thing in my life" I would say you should be concerned at a level of "frak you, cube monkey, I get more done in two hours then your loud-phone-talking ass does in a week, why don't you go take another half hour bathroom break instead of giving me the stink-eye?"

Also, you think there's any chance I'll get a goodbye kiss at the end of the lunch date?

I would rate the chances at "smoocherific"

posted by Capn 01 February | 15:37

"...If you were to strictly follow the Oxford style guidelines, the sentence would read as follows:

This bit, of pedantic information; has been brought To You by the "magic" of the A.B.C. Tues-day night lineup -- of "Whom is the Boss?" "Growing Pains,,," and "Moonlighting."!"
posted by Capn 01 February | 15:24

That's some remarkably bad advice there, Capn. Speaking as a fan, of course.

posted by paulsc 01 February | 15:43

Capn: I'll be serving Hormel Turkey Chili at a dinner party this weekend. Is Turkey Hill Lemonade an appropriate companion, or should I serve it as an aperitif?

posted by Hugh Janus 01 February | 15:58

My new favorite co-worker just had her workspace moved across the office, into a smaller desk and right next to the manager that looks like a vampire. How can I console her? What action should she take to stay sane?

posted by youngergirl44 01 February | 15:59

Update: I said "frak you, cube monkey" and went to lunch, and yes, there was a post-prandial smooch. Well done, Capn!

posted by Specklet 01 February | 16:09

Capn: I'll be serving Hormel Turkey Chili at a dinner party this weekend. Is Turkey Hill Lemonade an appropriate companion, or should I serve it as an aperitif?

That is fine, but Wild Turkey is probably a better match.

posted by Capn 01 February | 16:38

Are you sure that's bad advice? My lawyer says yes, but my doctor just keeps repeating, "Mylanta." I think he's broken.

posted by Hugh Janus 01 February | 16:41

I'm mortified by the general bias against jetpack-based travel options, and my campaign to influence public opinion in this area isn't having the impact it should. Where should I focus my efforts?

posted by bigblueroom 01 February | 17:39

Thanks for the clarification, TrishaLynn. I, too, was more of a Family Ties fan. The Seaver clan is both foreign and mysterious to me. And I firmly believe that Michael Gross is an undervalued comic genius. There. I said it.

posted by jrossi4r 01 February | 17:59

I'm mortified by the general bias against jetpack-based travel options, and my campaign to influence public opinion in this area isn't having the impact it should. Where should I focus my efforts?

The Mad Scientist community is a powerful and underutilized lobby group, if you can get them on your side, you're gold.

posted by Capn 02 February | 08:58

01 February 2007