I've had that happen- guys that seem really into me, and then just as quickly they're out the door. Good riddance to every last one of those pansies.

Not a totally change of mind, but I dated a woman a couple of times, very casually, and I was not sure how much I liked her, etc. I was walking her back to her place, and she looked at my jacket, a jacket that I have gotten more compliments on than any other jacket I've ever owned, and she said something along the lines of: "Oh well, that's what women are for, to change those kinds of things in their boyfriends." I kissed her on the cheek, said goodnight, and split. Never went out with her again. That was the third date.

(We emailed a couple of times, but that was all.)

Nothing will make me change my initial feelings of attraction faster than someone who is needy and clingy.

What is this strange thing called "the third date" of which you speak?

A guy picked me up after I bumped into him on the subway, and we had one really great date, then another pretty OK date. But during that second date I realized I was seriously struggling to make conversation -- the guy just didn't read, and didn't seem to be into movies or music, and he was an architect but an architect of the engineering-focused variety. He was from a different county, but seemed to have nothing interesting to say about that, either. We had enough patter to get through the meal, and he still seemed totally interested in me, but I went home and decided to call it off.

And instituted a new rule that I wouldn't date guys who weren't into some form of art. I just have a hard time having real conversations with someone who doesn't actively appreciate that part of life, because I tend to see it as the most real part of life.

Hee, that should have been "from a different country." I really don't expect anyone to have anything interesting to say about their county of origin.

I really liked this guy in high school. He was amazingly cute, and was the first guy to make me feel all tingly in my fingers and toes. I was stalking him pretty seriously for a few months (I mean, I knew his class schedule and where he worked. I didn't kill his pet rabbit or anthing). We went out on one date, and it was pretty obvious the attraction was only physical. We were still friends after that, but the attraction was pretty much gone.

Then there was the time my crush came out of the closet to me.

The only man I ever dated, I married. I was more one for the drunken hookups leading to relationships. Plus, we don't really "date" where I'm from. I think.

(but oh man, I went home a few years ago, with a college friend of mine, and I saw him in Starbucks, and he's still smokin hot. I hid from him.)

We met via a personal ad, and exchanged several exploratory emails. She told me she was really into movies, indie cinema, stuff like that. So I really scored a coup when I got tickets to the local premiere of Panic, complete with a Q&A with the writer/director. She was to meet me in the lobby of the theater. The place started getting crowded, and a line started forming, but she hadn't yet shown up. As the line started moving, I gave my ticket to a bystander (the show was a sellout), and went in.

When I got home, I saw she'd left me an email. She'd been at the theater, but didn't go in, because she didn't like crowds. She knew I was inside, wondering if I'd been stood up, and she couldn't swallow her fear and find me? Those of you who've met me know I'm easy to find in a crowd. I decided that that was a pretty bad sign on a first date--OK, maybe it was a genuine phobia, but that's not something I wanted to deal with, and she should have, at least, forewarned me. I didn't return her email.

I went out on two dates with a guy who was totally into me, and I was still trying to decide if I liked him. The third time we saw each other was one when afternoon we got together and went to hang out with mutual friends who were getting together to toss a football around. Every time he got tackled or failed to complete a play he whined bitterly, moped, pouted, ragged on his friends and basically acted like a real asshole and I couldn't wait to get away from him. Needless to say, no more dates.

I really hit it off with a woman at a bar one night. She was extremely smart, and I thought "Wow, this could really work. She's awesome!" After we drank for five or six hours (that's a date, right?), she demanded that I walk her home, and after we had awkward and not particularly enjoyable sex, she put on Patsy Cline and lay there naked and crying and singing along and talking about how wonderful I was. I remember thinking "oh god, I have made a horrible mistake - this woman is the most needy, clingy, codependent person I have ever met", and it took me 8 months to get her out of my life.

I fell for this guy who was in college; I was just out of college. We worked together, and had a blissful, lovely, romantic 5-month relationship. We sometimes hung out with his local friends. When he went home for the summer, he told me that he had asked his best friend to "look out for" me over the summer, and then he would be back in the fall. Well, it became apparent rather quickly that he had actually "passed me on" to his friend, who had expressed interest and been given the go-ahead by my boyfriend. It took me months to get the friend (who was friendly and nice enough but totally obsessed with me) to stop leaving flowers and notes on my car, dropping by to leave presents at my door, etc.

Some time later, I found out that my boyfriend had someone waiting for him at home, who he promptly knocked up by accident. Then he dropped out of school and became a factory worker.

cmonkey, that girl was just plain crazy.

I started writing this about 5 times but I've just realized that it's all about control. There was a guy I dated a couple of times years back, when my kids were little, who felt that he could yell at my son. He was wrong about that and I never saw him again. Then there was a guy I dated about a year ago who complained about every facet of my life, including my parenting and my kids' clothes. I mean he just bitched and bitched, for hours. It got old.

Basically, if somebody starts sending out control vibes, like they want to change my life & habits & so on to suit them better? I'm gone. I don't take kindly to control freaks.

I had a good friend (she lives a block away from me now) and we were buddies. Very fun together, and we could really spark a party if we were there together. We were both single and it stated with cuddling, then sleeping together in her bed (she had these darling flannel nightgowns) and then, one night, after we both stared to feel sexy towards one another, (several months previously we made out in the middle of the night on a abandoned golf course) we made this very specific agreement that we were still basically FRIENDS and not a couple, and this did not mean that we had any OBLIGATIONS about anything. (This was in 1986 or something, way before 'friends with benefits' became the name for it.) Oh, plus it was to be a secret.

For me, the sex never that great, or even good, and the deal breaker for me was that our kissing never aligned. Plus she wore makeup, another deal-breaker for me . .But we went on sleeping together and having sex for several months, and I tended to live by the AGREEMENT and she tended to assume we were a couple. I sorta felt that from her but did not mention it. I would do stuff like spend the night with her then go home at 7:30 because I expected a call from this woman who WAS a romantic interest and this woman knew to call me early before work (this was before cellphones).

So it got to a blowout because I was less and less emotionally present during sex and she was more and more and one night she started yelling at me about it and getting very upset and I ended up having to get my clothes out of the dryer in the dark and go home in the middle of the night. It took a long time to repair this friendship and it took her getting in to another relationship (I got into one with the other woman but got dumped very soon. .another story).

Now we are friendly, in a way people are who do not see much of one another but are OK with chance encounters.

I went out with a guy for three years that was a total shmuck but I didn't have the sense to leave. I was very young and stupid.

After that terrible relationship I had a few mini-relationships, but I knew they weren't the one. One guy was shorter than me. That sounds shallow, but I couldn't deal. Besides, he was a total drip.

I dated a guy that didn't have anything to talk about and hardly cracked a smile. He was successful and smart, but had nothing to say.

Another guy couldn't keep his eyes off my chest for the entire date. He couldn't control himself, his eyes would keep zeroing in. I wasn't even wearing a revealing top. We went out again on another occassion and he was rude to the server. I never went out with him again.

I never dated much either, but was more like Gaspode - I'd prefer things to just happen.
This is a lot like mrmoonpie's date, but I went on a second date one time (we skipped the first date) to see Die Hard 3 (or was it 2?). It was opening night, so of course it was totally packed. I was getting refreshments and told her to meet me in the theatre. Of course, the movie had already started by the time I got in there. I walked up and down the aisle in the total darkness twice. She never called my name. Then I just found a seat and watch that stupid movie by myself. I suppose it was as much my fault as her's (but I guess I still see it like she probably fucking saw a tall person walking down the aisle, she could've whispered my name. Me on the other hand, I had no idea where she was), but that did it for me.

Dates? I think I had a few of those in the last century.

Mostly I've broken it off with guys were bad kissers and/or conversationlists.

1. In high school I had a serious crush on a boy. We flirted and blushed and managed to make conversation. I'm not sure what we talked about, but it didn't seem too boring at the time. Then we started "going out." (This was 10th grade.)

Said boy was a great person, but he was the most terrible kisser in the world. I was too shy to address the issue, and I didn't know what to say, and so I suffered through it for three months before I dumped him in one of those "let's just be friends" conversations. It was really tragic, actually, because all the physical attraction disappeared as soon as his lips met mine.

2. In college I met a barista at the local coffee shop. He had graduated from a school in New York the previous May with a degree in English literature. He had a yen for traveling, he said, so he up and moved to New Orleans.

It was all good until three things happened: First, he had these really fat lips that squashed all over the place. We kissed, I was left covered in slobber, and while I was a bit more savvy about broaching such issues by this time we still couldn't seem to make it work.

Then he told me that all living writers were idiots; contemporary literature was worthless. It turned out we hadn't read very many of the same books.

The last straw: He took me to his apartment and I discovered he was sleeping on the living room floor and not paying rent -- basically leeching off a kind-hearted friend. He had only two or three changes of clothes and hardly any other material possessions. It might have seemed noble and artistic in some circumstances, but in this case his move seemed poorly planned and ... well ... lazy. Oh, and he didn't even give me free coffee at the cafe where he worked. And we were dating.

I left New Orleans about a month and a half after we first went out. We e-mailed back and forth a few times, but I was over him after that first slobbery kiss.

She wanted wine.

Seizing the moment to impress her, I suggested Pinot Gris Grigio.

With a straight face, she told me, "I actually like Boone's Farm."

Here's a couple of mine:

1) Gorgeous girl who worked with me on the student paper while I was at university. We flirted a huge amount while in the office laying out pages, editing articles etc. This went on for most of the term. Then the editorial team all went out for a curry together - when we were walking from the restaurant down to a pub to carry on the evening she grabbed me by the arm and practically frog-marched me to the pub. I'm sure it was meant to be a "their hands slipped together" moment but it was a bit like being grabbed by the Gestapo. Absolutely killed it - funny how the littlest things can do it.

2) A guy I met at a drunken dinner, again at university. Nowadays I am happily coupled up with my fiancee but at 18 part of me was desperate to experiment, part of me was terrified. Anyway we clicked immediately, spent the whole evening chatting. Much later in the evening he said "oh, btw I'm gay". I said "that's cool", meaning "hey I'm not homophobic". He leaned in and kissed me. It held for 5 seconds but I wasn't quite drunk enough to get over the scared bit of me. So nothing happened. Hmm. Haven't thought about that in years - odd how things might have turned out...

Three weeks seems to be the right length of time before a girl would say "I'm scared by how much I like you" and break it off. I never bought that.

I swear I'm too picky. Or just disturbed. Of the few relationships I've had, apparently I was "the one" (or so they said). But I always ended up ruining it. This is probably why I'll remain permanently single - I'm way too self-conscious to ask people out and just sit there and wonder what could be.

Now please continue with your stories of woe to help me justify my non-dating-ness.

She told me my interests were boring.

sciurus - I think that means she likes you, but her friends don't. I suggest you start dating girls that don't have friends.

I also dated Simon & Garfunkel for a brief period in the 80's, just months before their big Central Park concert (which was my idea, BTW). They were both really great, I would've hated to have had to make that choice between them. Paul had that really dry, witty sense of humor and looked really cute waking up in the morning. And Art - wow, that hair! He used to make up little songs on the spot about me (I still remember "hellbient, hellbient, sugar cone magnificent...").

Anyway, I was totally up front and discreet about the whole thing, but of course they dumped me, saying our relationships were causing them strife on stage and that they wanted to keep the "band" together. Yeah right, they split up after that concert anyway! Freakin' rock stars. It's really rough getting dumped twice in one day. Thank god I married a nice girl and don't have to ever date musicians again!

Great stories, folks! Most of them even sound real. (hellbient...)

Alright, you got me.

The Central Park concert was not my idea.

I've nearly got involved a couple of times with girls I enjoyed flirting with. I don't know why I'm so flirty sometimes. Thrill of the chase or some weird desire to be desired. Anyway, my flirting skills have been too powerful and they've asked me out and I've said yes. Because I was lonely or I didn't know how to say no. Or something. I don't understand myself well enough to explain it. Anyway, we've gone out a couple of times but I've never really liked them in that way and rather than explain that I'm just a big flirt who needs attention I've drifted away and given the polite brush off.

I'm not proud of this b.t.w.

For real and for true, in my life, if I decided to go out with someone, I meant it. So, I didn't date so much. I don't get dating, never did. I'm an intuitive introvert. I know pretty quick if I could be with someone or not. Mostly not of course, but if yes, why beat around the proverbial bush? ANYway. The only deal breaker I ever encountered was someone not owning a phone. At all. Before the internet.

She is shy. That's okay, I kinda like shy. She likes to stay in, watch movies and cuddle, and is a good kisser. I make her laugh. Things seem to be going well. She needs to go away to a big city for a study program, she'll be all alone and I should visit her. We are both college students and always near broke, but I somehow scrape together the bus fare. She is into more than just cuddling and some of it quite kinky (not “let’s spice things up” kinky, I’m talkin’ intense “let us create this Lynchian scene” kinky). On the bus ride home I’m thinking “what have I got myself into here,” but I’m looking forward to her return from the big city.

But when she does return, we have an odd phone call. She feels trapped, unfree without a car. She can’t see me again until she has bought a car. It is going to take a while for her to save up. I’m confused (a car? lamest. excuse. ever). I decide I’ve been dumped, and, a little dazed, return to my somewhat neglected studies.

But a few months later at a party, I see her sister. Her sister is very friendly. Encourages me to come and visit her. I would have interpreted it as flirting, except that she is obviously happily attached, so I get the impression that she is being friendly with me because I am making her sister happy. Except that we haven’t talked since the odd phone call. There is no relationship.

But about another month later I get a phone call from the shy sister. She has bought a car and can see me now again. But this is too weird for me and I say thanks, but no thanks. I didn’t date again for quite a while after that.

This is a funny story about a date gone wrong.

Myself, I had a date go horribly wrong once. I posted this once before. Oh, yeah, here it is.

I kept getting caught by the girl's parents.


I stayed the night with one girl.... we didn't do anything because, frankly, I didn't want to, but at the time I was too nice a guy to dump her. It was the end of the semester and she wanted me to stay the night before she went home. She really wanted me but she wasn't my type, or so I realized. (I mean, I was still a virgin, and she was earnestly trying to change that, but Mr. Happy wasn't even *thinking* of making an appearance.) I didn't exactly push her away, but we didn't really do anything... I guess some heavy necking. Anyway, we ended up asleep in bed together and were awakened by her parents, arriving to take her back home for the summer. That was.... interesting. She ended up dropping out and I never saw her again, which was perfectly okay with me.


Another time I stayed the night at a girls dorm at a neighboring girls college. The girl in question and I were much more enthusiastic than in the previous story. In the morning she escorted me back down to the front door so I could hike back to campus and get ready for class. There I am, obviously just rolling out of bed... and as I open the door to leave, there's my girl's MOM!!!! I about freaked out inside, but tried to handle it as cooly as possible. Anyway, her Mom was just stopping off to drop something off with my girl. She then asked me if I wanted a ride back up the hill to campus. I was freaked out, but hell, it was cold so I accepted.

That was a weird ride.

Yeah, the girl in question was Mrs. Doohickie. I found out later that her Mom knew that we were um, ... you know... But I didn't know she knew at the time.

We've had a lot of dating, love, and relationship-story threads, but I think this one is my favorite ever. These are just wonderful tales. I'm glad you all made it through - you deserved better anyway! There are other fish in the sea! And everything.

I just got back from date number 4 with Girl. She's slightly more...attentive and the flow of conversation was good, but it feels a bit forced -- like she's out with me 'cause it beats sitting home with her cat or something. If I just wanted to be her pal, I wouldn't care. I just wanted a sign that she liked me. But she sat there all night with her arms and legs crossed. totally closed like it was job interview...with dinner.
Since I'm working so hard to keep my expectations low and my enthusiasm in check, it's no longer fun. I'll probably see her tomorrow at a group things we're going to. But I can't do this anymore.

I quit.

Sorry to hear that, black8. Glad you're looking out for yourself, though.

Thanks Occhi...I have other prospects, so all is not lost!

Here's a better tale:

Last summer I got messaged on a dating site. So I check out the profile - big dark eyes and brown hair. Hey! I think, She's cute! and fire off an email. We go back and forth a bit. And she gives me her phone number and tells me to call her before 10PM.
She'd indicated that she was in the healthcare profession and nurses and caregivers often work weird hours. So I didn't think anything was strange when someone else answered the phone.
She came on and we agreed to meet. She showed up wearing more makeup than a Vegas showgirl and more perfume than a French hooker. She swallowed the beer I bought like it was going out of style and had a weird, hungry look in her eye.
It turned out she was living in a women's shelter after serving time for stealing money from her stepfather for drugs. She had four children by different fathers,
and had mostly dealt and used drugs her whole adult life!
She was looking for guy to 'help keep her straight' and thought I looked like the stable, non-judgemental kinda guy she need to help her get back on the right path.
The only reason I kept talking to her was that I was utterly flabbergasted by her chutzpah. I kept wondering where the hidden camera was.
I almost burst out laughing with she mentioned that she was a Republican...

Fortunately, she had to be back at the shelter by ten.

It took a couple of days to shake off the creepy feeling.

Too bad about Girl, black8, but I think you are totally right; body language like that is (to me) the clearest possible signal. People are so weird.

Thanks Taz. Things were a bit looser, but I'm getting mixed signals. I believe her when she says she likes hanging out with me. But her body language was totally distant. She never touched me, or leaned in close, or flirted or anything that says she's interested in me romantically. Yet she wanted to know if I was going out with the gang tomorrow and talks about future activities within our circle of friends (to which she's very new.)

I doubt she's going to wake up tomorrow and decide I'm the guy for her...it's best to let this go.

black8: sounds like a good decision, all things considered.

I mean, you can still be friends with her if you both want to do that and if she fits well into the friend group. But yeah - she's not showing much interest, so maybe it's still too soon for her to really get involved with someone again, at least someone who is serious, as you want to be. Good luck!