How funny!

I read an interesting story the other day- a man in California is suing (with the help of the ACLU) to equalize the name change process for married men and women. In most US states, for a woman to change her name after marraige is easy (usually can be done as part of the marriage license process, I think), but it's very difficult for a man- involves lots more money, court dates, etc. There are 6 states where either spouse can change their last name easily after marraige, including New York.

Heh -- yeah -- and I'd say that milennia of unthinking patriarchical tradition is one of those worse ways...!

/opinion. It's not that I oppose women taking men's names -- I don't. I just think it's something that people should treat as a choice, not a requirement, and should spend some time putting thought into.

Personally, I am not interested in ever giving up my name. But that's largely because I just like my name.

Of course, it's also because I've done, written, and achieved various things under that name, and would like to keep the name to which those things trace back. When people ask "If it's patriarchical tradition you object to, then what's the difference is between keeping the man's name you were given at birth and taking another man's name at marriage, that is my response: that I've created a lifetime of work under the name I was given, and it's now truly my own.

Oh! I read that as well, TPS. I never knew it was so hard for a man in most places.

usually can be done as part of the marriage license process, I think

Interestingly enough, I had to ask the marriage license place about it in Baltimore (I didn't change my name, I was just curious) as they never mentioned that I had to put any change of name on to the marriage license.

on preview: I agree with all of your sentiments, miko.

Foley or Marshall - that's hardly a high stakes game.

Now if it was Mr Glasscock vs Ms Gaylord that would be a game worth seeing!

I have a Flickr buddy from Florida who recently married his partner in Canada, and then legally changed his name in the U.S. (Exactly the kind of "pretend marriage" I won't go for, but that's another subject.)

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when he walked into the courthouse in Florida and said he was changing his name due to marriage. Heh heh...

Miko, in my industry it's pretty common for women to keep their names after marriage, and not just the on-camera folks. I think it's for the reason you mentioned: your name is your resume.

I love the attitudes of the couple in gaspode's link... they sound like a great match for each other.

A male friend of mine changed his name to his wife's, but i hesitate to tell you what it was because it's the same as a certain "star", so there has been much ribbing involved.
I'm pretty sure it was his idea.

That's a cute story.

I wanted my husband to take my name. He wasn't going for it, and I can't blame him. It's very unique and is often mispronounced. I didn't mind so much taking my husband's name because it's pretty and easy to pronounce and spell.

I use my maiden name as my middle name. It's special to me, and is recognizable, since seven generations of the name have lived in my small Florida town. Most of my family were hell-raisers and heathens, but I am proud of it.

I have two sets of friends that had the same surnames before they were married. They didn't have to change a thing. One of the couples are Paul and Paula! Upon meeting they had to show one another their driver's license to prove they weren't kidding. :)

It's not that I oppose women taking men's names -- I don't.

I don't know that I oppose it, but I'm always a little disappointed when someone I know does it. Especially if they just do it without thinking.

And Miko, my answer to the whole "but it's your dad's name to begin with" thing is that the rossi family fed me, clothed me, loved me and educated me for a quarter of a century. I'll be damned if the husbandname family gets to take credit for everything I do for the rest of my life.

I don't know that I oppose it, but I'm always a little disappointed when someone I know does it.

Actually, that pretty much sums up my emotional reaction to my friends taking their husband's names. And most of them did, to my surprise.

I also kind of felt, that because neither I nor mr g. cared overly much either way, it was kind of incumbent upon me to not take my husband's name to kind of... even things up? I don't know if I can explain it properly.

i would totally change my name because it's free. i wouldn't take the other person's name, i'd just change it all together.
Probably to ethylene.
i've had so many names at this point is doesn't really make a difference.

Y'all make good points and make me laugh, too.

The whole "But it's your dad's name anyway" thing is so ridiculous. It's also your husband's father's name -- why does he get to claim his last name as his own but the woman's somehow still belongs to her father? Grrrr. That argument always seems to show so much more internalized sexism than just taking your husband's name without thinking.

I saw that article about the CA couple posted in a couple places, and I think it's great. Good for them!

Slightly related: 51% of Women Are Now Living Without Spouse. I guess this is the first time in American census history that the majority of women are not living with husbands.

Which is I think a huge part of why the wife automatically taking the husband's name is getting weird -- it's one thing if you're getting married right out of high school, and so all your "adult" work is being done with your married name (still patriarchal issues, of course, but the practical ones seem fewer). But with people getting married later, changing your name in the middle of your career starts to seem a bit weird and counterproductive. For either party, really.

Goooood point, occhi.

Another take on the surname question:

I was ecstatic to take the mister's name. Leaving behind the assaholic sperm donor's name was a relief. I had contemplated changing my surname to my mother's maiden name but never got around to it.

I have a couple of friends who changed their name for the very same reason, deborah. Makes perfect sense to me.

I'm lucky that I have a really strong bond with my family and my name. But that doesn't seem to get a lot of respect around where I live. Instead I get questions like "Doesn't that bother your husband?!?!?" I actually had to change dentists because they refused to refer to me by anything but my husbands last name.

Yeah, I don't have any problems with people changing names, just those who insist that everyone should, or those who insist it's somehow "natural" or "normal" or otherwise automatic and required, rather than a choice.

My middle name is my mother's name, and it's somewhat precious to me because both of us dislike it so much, if that makes sense. The SO and I have decided that if we get married, we're going to put both our lasts names together. We'll be Mr. and Mrs. Thorhees!

In academia, it seems pretty common that people keep their maiden names, if they have a significant body of work already published.

I love Thorhees! Your family crest should be a hockey mask and large hammer.

When we got married, my wife kept her own name. My story is now that I refused to give her my name-she was not worthy but maybe someday, etc. . .it was good for an eyeroll or two but now it is met with her just ignoring it and going on with the conversation.

Damn her.

I know some people who were named, respectively, Lively and Brooks . . .pretty easy to combine those names. But my other friends who where named Mounts and Quick, well. . .

Taking on the husband's name seems to me really. really outdated. C'mon Princesses, there are no knights in dull armour. Keep your own surname, whether for professional reasons or not.

Let's get with it, maidens./ Fuckit.

That couple sound like a gas...betting the surname on a mini golf game. I hope the guy loses on purpose or his friends set it up for him to lose. Hopefully he didn't take the challenge thinking that she'll lose, fer sure. Thinking he didn't have anything 'to lose'. He better not be old skule.


Uh-Oh, debra has ish with pops. Sorry to hear that. Really.


I applaud jrossi4r for dumping the dick dentist. What a tool. Unbelievable gall. I suppose the dentist wanted respect, but didn't give any. Good for you I say.

Combination/hyphenated names just don't cut it. Fence sitting, I say.

I didn't care what name we chose as long as it was the same. Just didn't feel like family for everyone not to share. Mrs. Mitheral wanted to take my name but I would have been just as happy to have hers or for us to have chosen a new name together.

Combination/hyphenated names just don't cut it. Fence sitting, I say

I see this as an excellent solution when both members of a couple a) want to keep their names, b) want to have children together, and c) want to make clear to the world that there is a common family identity.

Mitheral, family isn't determined by a surname. Hello. A surname does not a family make.


I know a couple, she has NZ blood as a matter of fact, they have 2 kids, 16 and 14 year olds, plenty of shared property and are still not 'married'. Well, there was no wedding. They lived in her folks' basement with the kids while saving for a home together, which they now have. Two actually. Oh, he was a roommate of mine in a warehouse space we shared when they had their first kid. We had a party with a live band a few days after the kid arrived when they set up house there. The kid slept like a log.

Shall we get married, he asks¿ Nah, let's buy some property or I need a new car, the old one's falling apart. ok.

Very well adjusted. Both have jobs.

As for which names the kids use. The males. Just like my sister's kids too ]she kept her own surname, he kept his[. They are family, too. And the world knows it too. Their schools, their friends, etc.

Does it matter. Nah.

Are you Not going to call these 4 'family', because their last names aren't the same¿
They sure are. It's about commitment and what suits each couple.

Yep, whatever floats your boat and the hell with the naysayers or what others would do.

Times are a changing, indeed.

Well, I've been married to Mr. V for five years later this year, and I still can't decide what name I want to go by. When we were getting married, my youngest, age 5, thought I wouldn't be "Mommy" anymore because we'd have different names. So I kept it. Funny thing, I really like who I've become under this name. I don't think of it as my ex-husbands' name; more that I've made it my own. I like my name to match that of my sons. My husband doesn't seem to mind, though he has mentioned it once or twice. I think hyphenating it would make it too long, so I'm thinking of changing it to his, but using my last name as a middle. I think as time goes by, it's bothering Mr. V more that we don't share the same name.
My mom, on the other hand, took my stepdad's name when they married. Flash forward a dozen years, and they divorced, and she went back to her maiden name. She said it was the only last name that didn't give her heartbreak.
Another friend divorced her husband when their son was one. (he didn't want to be a daddy). Her second husband adopted him at age three, so he got that last name. Twenty years later she divorced the second husband, and took her maiden name back. And since he was never a good dad anyway, her son also changed his name to his mom's maiden name.
I don't think it matters what name you use or choose. As long as you don't change it constantly! ;^)