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28 December 2006

The best revenge I never wrought Around this time eleven years ago I got dumped. I won’t get into the hairy details, but the way "Shane" chose to do it involved him simply cutting me off with no explanation or farewells whatsoever, my being stranded out of town and stood up on New Year’s, and my not getting the keys to my apartment back. Of course it doesn’t matter now, but I still regret that I never used the perfect revenge plot I concocted shortly thereafter. Yeah, yeah, I know, revenge is bad, the best revenge is living well, etc. But this was a scheme so diabolically elegant that not doing it seemed like leaving a Mozart sonata unperformed.[More:]

Here’s the scheme:

At the age of 28, Shane had a bald spot and was extremely sensitive about it. He could not bear to have it mentioned or referred to in the slightest. Of course I never did so because that would be rude and hurtful, but one time I was joking around with my roommate and said to her, “You lie. You lie like a rug on a bald man’s head,” and Shane snapped, “Hey. No bald jokes.”

My scheme was to call up one of those hair replacement company infomercial numbers and say, “Hi, I’m Mrs. Shane. Could you send my husband one of your information packages? Here’s our address.” Alternatively (or additionally), I saw an old toupee (which looked like a small, scruffy dead rodent) at Goodwill shortly after the dumping. I was so tempted to buy it and send it to him.

It would have taken a minimum of effort on my part. He would get an information package and/or a nasty toupee in the mail. The packages would have his name and address on them. He would know someone deliberately sent them but he would not know whom. He would have no way to prove anything even if he suspected someone. It would have driven him ballistic with impotent rage.

And though I no longer regret his departure from my life, I ache with regret that I never took this means of vengeance.

Yes, I have a bit of an evil streak. But then you'd probably all figured that out anyway. Bwahahahahahahaha.
Orange Swan....THERE'S STILL TIME, my sistah!
"Break him off sumthin' propper like!"
*said in my meanest Compton L.A. Crip voice*
posted by Joe Famous 28 December | 13:07
I can't send it now, unfortunately, because I don't know where he is. He has a rather generic name and there's any number of listings on Canada 411 with his first intitial and last name.
posted by Orange Swan 28 December | 13:14
Eh. My first husband had a bald spot he was sensitive about... and he fucked me over - several times. But I still don't feel bad about not ever using that one point of total vulnerability to hurt him. It's better that you didn't do it, orange swan. The desire to hurt someone as much as they hurt you fades faster than the guilt of using intimate knowledge to get petty, but devastating revenge.
posted by taz 28 December | 13:25
My exbf had the same problem as Swan's. Balding and hyper-sensitive about it. He was even taking propecia to halt the process which wasn't covered by his drug plan and so he had to pay the whole cost. I think it's fairly expensive too. Anyways, when we broke up I wanted to scream at all of our mutual friends "S___ is balding!!!" But I didn't. There are times when I still want to though just to be a dick.
posted by LunaticFringe 28 December | 13:39
The best revenge is living well. The second best revenge is to pop out of a dark alley and stove in your enemy's head with a rusty cast iron pan. The third best revenge is to wake your enemy out of a deep sleep and slap them across the face with a trout and then run away shrieking*. The fourth best revenge is also living well, but in such a way that you cause your enemy to die an early and painful death.

All other revenges are probably going to make you feel like a bit of a heel in the end.

*As an auxiliary to the third best revenge, specifically against sensitive balding men, I suggest sneaking up to them while they are asleep and crazy gluing a tiny model of an alpine village to their bald spot.
posted by Divine_Wino 28 December | 14:29
D_W, do you hire out to do revenge? I have a couple of prospects who are highly deserving.
posted by theora55 28 December | 15:00
DW, I knew that was you soon's I read that second sentence. : )

OS, my ex-husband had a little fun with body hair at my expense after we split. We were generally amicable, barring the night I smashed the alligator head against the wall (long story); we even got together for dinner and watched War of the Roses, if you can believe that. Well, before I left Ohio to come back to Connecticut, he had a present for me. I'd always hated his mustache. It wasn't one mustache really, but two; the center divet was bald, so it looked like he had two mustaches, one on each side of his lip. My young niece delighted in pointing it out to him. Well, before I left, he showed up clean-shaven and handed me an envelope. Yep, you guessed it, the remains of his mustache. He also once framed some of his chest hairs as a gift. Come to think of it, I had a nice little stash of evidence to plant, had I been the vengeful sort. Ah, well. Missed opportunities. ; )

It was crummy of him not to at least face you, though. Leaves things so unresolved. I bet he regrets it, too. Too bad you can't talk to him somehow, just to clear the air. Even after eleven years, it still matters. I'd let you borrow my gator head. : )
posted by Pips 28 December | 15:13
D_W, do you hire out to do revenge? I have a couple of prospects who are highly deserving.

Revenge, light handyman work, catering, dog walking and puppet shows, I can save you a bundle if you can combine all those requirements.
posted by Divine_Wino 28 December | 15:27
God, Pips, you even get divorced in style. Wow.
posted by Orange Swan 28 December | 15:38
The second best revenge is to pop out of a dark alley and stove in your enemy's head with a rusty cast iron pan.

That was you?

Look, I'll pay you back for that drink, I promise. Sheesh.
posted by jonmc 28 December | 15:44
(and Pips loves my facial hair, FWIW)
posted by jonmc 28 December | 15:45
(and Pips loves my facial hair, FWIW)

I do indeed. Makes a great exfoliator. : )
posted by Pips 28 December | 15:51
God, Pips, you even get divorced in style. Wow.

Well, not really. I was a mess. But then I met jon, and after all our bumps and bruises, I couldn't be happier now. So it all worked out for the best.
posted by Pips 28 December | 16:01
You should have done it. Don't believe the standard line, revenge really DOES make you feel better. As a balding man myself, I don't really quite understand his hyper-sensitivity about it, but I guess that's his issue.

posted by King of Prontopia 28 December | 16:17
I did something cruel to my wife that involved marketing. She's been yearning for a Tempurpedic mattress for ages, but the cost of these things makes it out of our reach.

So I went to their website and ordered some lit in her name, which included a small sample of the mattress material.

When it came, I said, well, there is your mattress, it's the only size we can afford. Ha Ha.

Actually that line came to me, once I saw the sample but my wife thought that I had engineered it that way.

Your proposed revenge, OS, seems rather benign. I'da done it.
posted by danf 28 December | 16:39
I did something cruel to my wife that involved marketing.

The post could've ended there and still been brilliant, dan.
posted by jonmc 28 December | 16:42
Bald is sexy.

That is all.
posted by initapplette 28 December | 20:46
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