The best revenge I never wrought Around this time eleven years ago I got dumped. I won’t get into the hairy details, but the way "Shane" chose to do it involved him simply cutting me off with no explanation or farewells whatsoever, my being stranded out of town and stood up on New Year’s, and my not getting the keys to my apartment back. Of course it doesn’t matter now, but I still regret that I never used the perfect revenge plot I concocted shortly thereafter. Yeah, yeah, I know, revenge is bad, the best revenge is living well, etc. But this was a scheme so diabolically elegant that not doing it seemed like leaving a Mozart sonata unperformed.→[More:]

Here’s the scheme:

At the age of 28, Shane had a bald spot and was extremely sensitive about it. He could not bear to have it mentioned or referred to in the slightest. Of course I never did so because that would be rude and hurtful, but one time I was joking around with my roommate and said to her, “You lie. You lie like a rug on a bald man’s head,” and Shane snapped, “Hey. No bald jokes.”

My scheme was to call up one of those hair replacement company infomercial numbers and say, “Hi, I’m Mrs. Shane. Could you send my husband one of your information packages? Here’s our address.” Alternatively (or additionally), I saw an old toupee (which looked like a small, scruffy dead rodent) at Goodwill shortly after the dumping. I was so tempted to buy it and send it to him.

It would have taken a minimum of effort on my part. He would get an information package and/or a nasty toupee in the mail. The packages would have his name and address on them. He would know someone deliberately sent them but he would not know whom. He would have no way to prove anything even if he suspected someone. It would have driven him ballistic with impotent rage.

And though I no longer regret his departure from my life, I ache with regret that I never took this means of vengeance.

Yes, I have a bit of an evil streak. But then you'd probably all figured that out anyway. Bwahahahahahahaha.