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I'm so sorry to hear this. My condolences to her. I think she will like the robe, food, and magazines. I'm sure she will be glad just to have you around. I guess my suggestion is to give her your time.

:(

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this, too. I think a comfy robe, comfort food, and trashy magazines sound like exactly the right thing -- along with your hand to hold and your shoulder to cry on. I've been through this with friends and my sister, too. Just hold her and love her and let her take the lead.

So sorry.

sorry to hear this jrossi.

Every person is different and requires different approach. Tread carefully, she might not be up for too much discussion right now. See if she wants to talk or not. Let her do what she feels like. Just tell her that there are a lot *A LOT* of people out there who went through that and the next time around they got pregnant. Women in this situation feel sad for the loss, diminished as women because "they" didn't manage while so many others did, scared they might never be able to have children, guilt in the face of their spouses who may/may not compassionate because they feel responsible for the loss.

Maybe it is a good thing for her peace of mind to get a biopsy after the D&C (to know what caused the miscarriage). If it is a chromosomal abnormality, she might feel relieved that it was not her fault.

So early in the pregnancy it is rarely "her" fault but it is nature's way to let an abnormal fetus (hey, it is not even a fetus yet) go.

Many many hugs. let us know how it goes

The robe, food, and magazines sound great. Be sensitive to how much comforting your sister needs and/or wants right now. She and her husband need to grieve in their own way. When my wife had a miscarriage last year, the last thing she wanted was to have family around.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Just remember- to them they lost A CHILD. Yes, that is what a miscarriage is, but it's a bigger deal than most of us who haven't had one can know.

(I had a threatened one with my first, and I never thought of the topic the same way ever again.)

Sorry to hear, jrossi... all the best to your sister and you and your family. It'll take some time. I'm sure having you there will mean a lot to her.

My wife and I went through this twice. It's an awful, awful thing. What made her feel better is talking to friends she knows who have been in the same place. It helped her feel less alone and less like it was her fault (even though she knew she wasn't alone and that it wasn't her fault...if that makes sense.)

About a week after, both times, I brought her a dozen white roses with no card. I didn't say anything, just put them in a vase on the table. She knew what they were for.

My heart goes out to your sister, and if she'd like to talk to someone who's been through this, feel free to email me.

Also, dark chocolate.

Thanks, all. She's taking small comfort in the fact that at least she knows now that she can get pregnant. I'm wary about how much time she's going to want to spend with me and my giant pregnant torso, but I'll follow her lead and stay or go according to her wishes.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this brainwidth and ColdChef and I'm grateful for your advice. It really helps to hear from people who've had firsthand experience.

She's super tough stuff and I know she'll be OK. I just tend to want to "fix" things and never quite know what to do in situations that are inherently unfixable.

Sorry to be so late but it took a bit to work up to it.

Having gone through some grief recently I would say be willing to listen if she wants to talk. If she does not want to talk then talk to her. Don't be quiet. Chat about anything in general. If you are silent it may make her feel that she is a burden on you. Let her know you are still available.

If you talk and she seems disinterested or put off then stop but come back another time. It may take a long time before she wants to talk about the loss or even just talk about anything at all. Just let her know she can talk to you about anything when she wants to. I did not want to talk about the death of my son for a long time. I sometimes still don't. But because I did not want to talk some people were afraid to talk to me. After a bit I came to feel like a burden on them.

So, communicate and give her space at the same time.

I do hope they can conceive again. I am so sorry.

I came in to say that you just might want to be aware that she may not want to be around you right now, and to make sure that you have support/perspective/whatever to be able to handle that, but you (not surprisingly) seem to be on top of that angle, so.... yeah. Guess I got nothing. :)

I am sorry to hear about it, though, and I hope that both you and she are ok. Maybe it might make sense to talk about how you'll feel the loss of a niece/nephew in your life, so it does feel like you're conceptualizing her kid in a different way than yours? Not sure I'm making sense... I just mean that if she's likely to look at you and think, "Well, how much can *she* care, she's got her own," just make an effort to speak of your sister's child as a separate, valued, individual part of your life that you will now lack.

Or not. I could see that approach turning people off, but just a thought in case it might apply.

Also, just from experiences with losses in general, I liked it when fixing-type people just said to me, "I just tend to want to 'fix' things and never quite know what to do in situations that are inherently unfixable." It's just an expression of frustration, but I think that letting someone understand that you do see their situation as, well, really sucky and unfixable, that can free them from feeling like they have to "be strong" or "stay positive" or do any of those other annoying things you feel you have to do when other people are being sympathetic, when all you really want to do is cry and mope and complain and be sad.

I'm sorry, jrossi4r...and what occhiblu says.

arse_hat's comment pretty much captured how I felt (2 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth), but like carmina said everyone is different. You know your sister and you are a good person, just be there and go with your gut. It'll be ok.

(But, yeah, your torso will be kind of disconcerting to her.)

I really appreciate you taking the time to post, arsey. I know things are still pretty hard for you. Thank you. And I had no idea you'd been through all that, dano. I'm so sorry.

Knowing my sister, she'll probably want her space. The rossi family hates being on the receiving end of "pity eyes." Plus, I seem to have come down with some rotten stomach bug. I'm guessing the combination of my swollen gut and non-stop vomitting makes me the least attractive comfort option right now. Still, I'm going to pull it together enough to drop off some stuff this afternoon and feel her out.

You're all really wonderful people and I'm lucky to know you.

When you think she's able, do talk to her about having some investigation and stuff done to see if there's something causing the miscarriages. A dear, wonderful friend of mine lost two babies around 12 weeks into the pregnancies and after the second one, the doctors were able to point to two potential causes. She and her husband are now currently trying to get one of the problems fixed so they can try again.

Knowing the cause may be a source of positive energy for her.

My sister had one, pretty late term. It wouldn't have occurred to me, but she and her partner planted a seedling tree on their property as a memorial.