1: Moving from one server to another keeps getting interrupted, so it's weeks delayed, meaning double co-lo costs which I can't afford. 2: I suck at rsync 3: Latest PHP broke my new drupal site(s) so the new sites are even more weeks delayed and I wanted them done for xmas. 4: Yet again, someone hates my site design. Which I'm changing. If that PHP hadn't broken the drupal. Grrr! 5: All time dedicated to server-tinkering was stolen by baby fever, red spots, caugh and general need of mommy-mommy-mommy and a stop at the hospital to check it wasn't the measels (no it wasn't). Which means I'll be up all night now before we travel for eight hours on train tomorrow. 6: Shoot, I didn't buy any Xmas gifts, rushed out to get two teddybears for the neighbours kids as they've been good to my wee one. Mom, Grandma, Baby and SO will be dissapointed. No, I think pissed is the word. 7: I scp:d too many symlinks and have now thrice as much data stored as I should. Really, I need to grok rsync. If only I could get some peace and quiet! 8: I still live in a renovation hellhole without electricity. 9: See eight. Seriously. Dust everywhere. It's cold. No kitchen! I have to keep the baby from eating paint or other dangerous items every ten seconds. I need this to stop!.... *exhale*
And ten.
≡ Click to see image ≡
Perle is suave.

1. Picked up a habit I thought I'd dropped forever.
2. I've gained 15 pounds
3. I still haven't fixed the car window
4. I'm keeping a secret I shouldn't be keeping.
5. I haven't started packing for my move.
6. Hell, I haven't even done any Christmas shopping.
7. I haven't received any Christmas cards from any of my California friends.
8. Thus I feel they've forgotten me...
9. Even though I always go out there for visits...
10. and they (but for one) never have come out here for visits...

BUT!

I will be living in a lovely new home come the New Year!

1. I'm still at work, and will be for a while.2
2. Holiday travel tomorrow
3. Not packed.
4. Apartment is a mess.
5. Still a gimp.
6. Gained 15 pounds.
7. Which my mom will comment on.
8. Have to buy a Christmas present for Mr. Hard to Shop For, My Dad.
9. The delicious chocolate I got for Xmas is ridiculously calorific (see 6)
10. Still a little hung over from last night.

BUT

I'll be home for Christmas!

1. I lost someone I really cared about this year. Maybe forever. 2. I can't get out of this hole I'm in. 3 Helping out my family has really not worked out for me. 4. My nieces aren't going to "make it", they will always need special assistance, and it broke my heart today to see our tenant have her pre-schooler help her fold a bedsheet with more physical ability and dexterity than "our" girls, who are teenagers. 5. My health problems weigh on my mind every day. 6. My parents hate each other. 7. It's mostly my dad's fault, he's turned into a jerk since his cancer surgery, and he's having obvious symptoms of dementia. 8. My mother feels trapped and alone. 9. I still miss the family dog who died last year. Especially when the house is quiet. 10. Change-up. Sad that I feel kinda glad that my nephew, who just might "make it" despite handicaps, has now been dumped by the 19-year-old undivorced mother who has been trying to turn him into a husband who won't beat her up. He'll get over it, but sheesh. And 1. This song.

stilicho - it seems to me like 2006 has been a banner year of crap for many people. I sincerely hope your 2007 is brighter in every way.

yeah, me too. I say brighter and better 2007 for every last one of us, and extra helpings good stuff for stilicho & stilicho-family. *pours more eggnog*

1. My kitten died.
2. I am sick of my job but in order to get anything that pays an decent wage I'd have to move away.
3. My boyfriend damaged my Christmas a bit by planning a trip out of town where he doesn't get back until after midnight Christmas Eve.
4. My ankle hurts.
5. I think I've gained weight.
6. I've started a little debt and must Cut It Out.
7. I still miss my father even though it's been almost 4 years.
8. Some truck or other keeps catching my phone line as it drives down my street, pulling it down and leaving me without phone or internet until Verizon deigns to fix it.
9. I am very angry at someone and it's getting worse.
10. My kitten died.

And

1. A very sweet Golden Retriever is visiting me while my boyfriend's out of town. His name is Mickey. Right now he's destroying a cardboard box.

1. I have made new friends this year. YAY
2. Moodoggie died this year. *sniff*
3. I own and am riding a road bike again. YAY
4. taz called me "The Ansel Adams of Dog Shots" which I think is really great since I love photography and it's nice to be partly good at something you love. YAY
5. My brother and his wife are foster parenting 2 kids and it looks like they will get to adopt them. YAY
6. I got Silver this year. YAY
7. I am a fucktard when it comes to interpersonal relationships. If there's a way to fuck one up, I'll figure it out eventually no matter how much I love the person. (After 42 years of being single I think I've gotten way to good at that)
8. See 7.
9. I connected with some old friends again. YAY
10. Overall I think I am pretty happy.

Shukhov felt pleased with life as he went to sleep. A lot of good things had happened that day. He hadn't been thrown in the hole. The gang hadn't been dragged off to Sotsgorodok. He'd swiped the extra gruel at dinnertime. The foreman had got a good rate for the job. He'd enjoyed working on the wall. He hadn't been caught with the blade at the search point. He'd earned a bit from Tsezar that evening. And he'd bought his tobacco.

And I know I did that wrong, I'm not very good at following rules.

1. I guess I'll be single forever; I haven't had a date in almost two years. And I'm really tired of celibacy, also, I'm lonely, but honestly I guess I'm just not very good at the relationship thing. 1a. I pretty much think that noone will ever love me again.
2. I'm fat and I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds which is depressing me. I gained most of it over the last 2 1/2 years.
3. I miss smoking. I'm slowly cutting out most of my drinking too since I get such miserable hangovers and I worry that once I no longer drink or smoke I will retreat into the small stone fortress of my soul and never come out again.
4. My cat disappeared three months ago and I know he's never coming back but I've never even told anyone except my family until now that I think my cat is dead.
5. I think my daughter has some really major emotional/physical problems and she refuses to get any help for them.
6. My son is smoking pot. And cigars. And the other night I came home early and he and a girl came scrambling out of his room, adjusting their clothing and reeking of beer. Christ.
7. The destruction this puppy hath wrought, there are no words.
8. I'm afraid I'm getting a cold and I'll be sick over Christmas.
9. I thought Wilhelmina Baird was the queen of cyberpunk but alas, her last book sucked donkey balls in hell. I read it anyway but it made me sad.
10. There are two guys I have crushes on and neither one reciprocates at all I don't think. And both of them are younger than me.

And glad? It's a four day weekend! I did all my Chrstmas shopping! At least three things that I got for my family will make them laugh really hard! And - walking the dogs early in the morning when the sky is just red over the trees and mountains IS ENUFF, actually.

Reasons to be unhappy...
1. Physical health worse at end of year than beginning of year
2. After a full year with the independence and time to accomplish things I've wanted to for years, I have made almost zero (.0025%) progress
3. My Rainy Day Money stash has shrunken by almost 20% in a year that was mostly drought
4. Alone (by choice) for the Holidays and starting to regret that choice
5. Absolutely indispensable auto starting to show signs it may not last the next full year
6. Still need to grocery shop, pick up prescriptions and do laundromat laundry before Christmas day but dreading going out at all during final Christmas shopping chaos
7. Having problem with roaches... not around food, but around electronic and computer stuff (bugs in the system?)
8. My biological sleep clock has (in spite of maximum exposure to sunlight) realigned itself to a 26-hour day... what time is it?
9. If I have to come up with two more of these, I'll be REALLY depressed...
10. so there.

Reasons to be happy...
The Web, via my blog, MetaChat and a few other sites, is helping to keep me (relatively) sane with opportunities to blah-blah-blah my troubles AND to see that, compared to many of you courageous souls, my troubles are not so bad.

So, do I have the nerve to hit the "Post" button?

Aw damn, you guys. I really hope 2007 is better for everyone.

So happy Christmas
I love you, bunnies
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

past three years: 1. lost pregnancy. 2. my dad died suddenly. 3. we had to buy my great-grandfather's farm from his third wife. 4. another lost pregnancy. 5. my first, beloved stepmom died suddenly. 6. "promoted" from my favorite job to one totally over my head. 7. 14 year old dog hit by a car. 8. 4 year old dog had a heart attack. 9. totally stabbed in the back and betrayed by two people I'd been close to for years. 10. I can't bear to mention right now.

I am so very glad this year is almost over. I'm very, very tired.

A quick bit of unsolicited advice to auntbunny. Even if it really is a continuous thread over 3 years, mentally break the years apart. Either hide the previous years from yourself or, if they're worse than the most recent year, show yourself that things are 'less bad'. (If I had gone back 3 years on my list, I'd have gone right out and driven off the end of the Pismo Pier) I'm not a "Power of Positive Thinking" person, but a little 'forced' optimism may help you get the rest you need. And if you haven't already, get a new dog. Now.

1. I don't have adventures anymore. Consequently, I'm extremely bored with my life.
2. I haven't been this invisible to the opposite sex since I was in 6th grade. I blame #1 but it's probably something else.
3. My alcohol consumption has taken a terrible toll on my health, but I can't think of any decent reason to quit.
4. After ten years of this shit, I'm pretty goddamn sick of being depressed every day. I blame #1, but a man with degrees on his wall told me it's brain chemicals. What can ya do.
5. My chest hurts from smoking but I can't think of any decent reason to quit.
6. I am staying at an apartment near a vetrinary office and every day when I walk to the bus stop I pass a window full of MISSING DOG and MISSING CAT posters. It's a shitty situation for everyone involved.
7. I need to learn a new language but the community college location nearest me rents space from a high school. I don't think I could handle that. But Berlitz is way too expensive. But really, fuck high school in the eye.
8. I have cavities. They hurt.
9. My body hurts pretty much everywhere, but I can't find a doctor who doesn't treat me like shit.
10. I gave up hoping that anything would get better a long time ago. Turns out I'm right so far.

I'm glad that I've finally finished cutting off contact with people who aren't particularly healthy for me, or mentally stimulating. I love burning bridges.

1. I have a wicked sore throat and laryngitis and neurotically keep checking to see that I still have an airway.
2. I haven't worked on my novel again for about a month.
3. I've been watching Schindler's List with my students (twice in one day).
4. I had to throw out the turkey cutlets I defrosted because I was too tired to cook.
5. February will be ten years since my birth mom died.
6. I probably won't ever have children.
7. I get insecure and jealous and take it out on jon sometimes, and I don't like that about myself.
8. A mouse may be breeding under the boxes in the kitchen.
9. There's some scary fungus/mold/lint (dare I hope lint) growing on the air vent over the toilet in our bathroom, and I'm afraid to clean it. The spores will enter my lungs and build cities.
10. Both pairs of my work shoes have holes.

Everytime I look at my pretty diamond band I smile. Several former students have come to visit from college and they're doing well. I have family and friends who love me, and a husband who will stay up half the night to comfort me when I'm sad. I have the next ten days off!

(((((bunnies)))))

(I'll try not to give you my cold.)

I wish I could give every each one of you a real warm hug. But I have my own sore throat and pounding half-headache (only half a head) to express it properly. In lieu, sometimes we are not responsible for the condition and demise of our loved ones. But we really want to make ourselves happy first. This is not a selfish proclamation, it is a necessity in order to be strong enough to continue helping them in a meaningful way. It is so sad when brilliant people (and warm hearted) fail themselves.

As for myself, I am very sad, but I do not have a good reason for it. Anymore.

My favorite new long sleeved shirt just shrunk in the wash! WTF 2006!

1-10 I My son died this year.

11 Still searching for one.

This thread sucks.

Love to you all and hope for 2007.

Ditto:

So happy Christmas
I love you, bunnies
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

Every day that we don't give up is a day we steal from the bastards and the fuckers and the no good times dealers and this asshole of an uncaring and hostile universe- me, when it's my time, I'm going to my grave with a curse on my lips and a strong viking hug for all the fighters and the survivors and the funky goodtimers.


My friend once said "It's a sad thing, but in this world even love needs an army."

I'm sorry but 10 things is too many and one thing is too few and vice-versa, I'm leaning into it a little as always.

My love to you all.

My love especially to you arse_hat. My love to you and yours in a big strong beam of love.

Happiness=DW : )

1. I lost a pregnancy this year and I fear I'll never have babies because my husband decided AFTER we got married that he does not want to have children.
Ok, that was enough for 3. Let's just skip right to:
4. I was fired from a job this year.
5. As a result of 4, my husband and I did not get to use the windfall of money we received this summer to go on travels as we had planned.
6. My husband's family monopolizes so much of his time-off-work that I fear he may never meet my grandparents. We just visited Iceland this week and they already want him back in June. I've never taken him to my mom's family in Minnesota and we've been married for over two years. When in the hell are we ever going to have time for this shit if his mother keeps crying "empty nest syndrome" ever time we're away from the Frozen North for more than three months?
7. I'm really bad with money and had to spend half of my Christmas gift from my grandmother (the one my husband has yet to meet) on overdraft fees. When will I be able to get extra money without it being a get-out-of-jail fund?
8. I work fulltime on the evening shift and feel like I have no friends outside of work because I never have time to see anyone.

I think that's enough.

BUT!

10: I have an ART SHOW coming up in MARCH in a REAL GALLERY.

Thanks DW. Christmas is just a non thing this year. I used to love it. I was at the US post office today on business and talked to Rose who I have talked with on a business basis for about 7 years. She offered condolences and told me about the murder of her son 7 years ago. Similar things have happened over the past few months. I never had any idea how many parents of dead children I knew. We tend not to talk about it until we meet each other. It's a club I wish I did not know.

You know, I offer this not as some trite platitude - because I don't pretend to understand the suffering that life puts any of us through and I don't care to shove words at the shitty hands any of us have been dealt and especially not at you my brothers and sisters who are dealing with these uncountable and unforgivable afflictions - but in the spirit of the notion that for better or worse we all choose to pass some amount of our time in conversation with each other -and with the caveat that I'm not generally a guy who turns to the formalities of poetry - here is something translated and therefore not right at all I'm sure, but still something that I think about often, from Issa:


"In the midst of this world
we stroll along the roof of hell
gawking at flowers"

I'm so moved by what people have posted... I can barely offer my own misfortunes as they seem frail by comparison. I think the best thing I can do is flip this format around and show how much I'm thankful for everything that's going well for me.

SAD:
1) I have fallen out with my brother over a huge and nasty blowout that involved his wife. We have re-established surface contact but I fear an honest word will never pass between us again. I think of them and become nauseous. I don't know who they are. It's been a struggle relating for some years already. And I have many beloved friends I don't have time to see already, and no time for this kind of shit. I think an ice age, at least, is due between us.

GLAD:
1) The cat I just adopted is totally cool, smart, personable, beautiful, gentle, playful, funny, and cuddly.

2) All my family and friends are, for the moment, alive and well and healthy and stable.

3) I'm dating someone wonderful who is loving, lighthearted, caring, wise, sexy, and fun.

4) She's moving into my new home in about a month.

5) I bought a condo last month and am well settled in at this point and totally loving it.

6) I have a new boss at work and a new team organization which is an upgrade. Next year is looking to be a good one for our business. Challenging and fun.

7) For the first time in many years, my home, work, and relationship situations are all going well at the same time.

8) There was an earthquake 2 nights ago, and again tonight. Just the sort of ripple-through-the-earth that sets your back straight. I love those.

9) GWB is on the ropes and getting kicked in the balls daily. I feel so vindicated for marching against this war 5 years ago.

10) I know I'm going to die someday and that the biosphere of the earth will change drastically within a few thousand years and it's highly questionable if the human species or any species alive today will survive long, but gazing into the heartless millenia this spinning rock has to live out underneath the rays of this sun, I still believe that life will persist and evolve, and feel like everything's gonna be all right.

10) I'm glad to know all of you. You're good people.

I can't bear to make a list so I'll just write it out in prose. Outside of the trivial losses of a couple of cell phones [my bad] and a couple of laptops with hundreds and hundreds of songs as well as images of mine I was sorting through and working on [sooooo not my bad], I feel like I've lost people at every turn. The sudden death of a beloved relative; my 3 year old niece, one of the E. Coli cases, hovering near death but finally recovering unscathed after six blood transfusions and three weeks in the hospital; watching my mother, who has is finally become one of my dearest friends and greatest champions, sliding down the slippery slope, losing her facilities both mental and physical in the process of decline...and lastly, waiting day after day to find out if my best beloved, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, has died.

Loss, on so many levels, seems to have been this year's theme and, as bad as it's been, my logical brain tells me that it's all downhill from here. Despite the whole wheel/circle of life concept, it doesn't hurt any less with experience. It really doesn't, not for me.

Tis a Fearful Thing

It is a fearful thing
to love what death can touch.

A fearful thing
to love, hope, dream:

to be--

to be,
And! to lose.

A thing for fools, this,

and
a holy thing,

a holy thing
to love.

For your life has lived in me,
your laugh once lifted me,
your word was gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,
a holy thing,
to love
what death has touched.

- Chaim Stern

Each day, right now, is an exercise in pain. Through work and projects, I sometimes seek distraction like an addict. I'm tired and aching and tired of aching. Sometimes I wake up kicking and shaking my fist at the sky; wanting it all to be done. But then I think of my niece and the man I love and my mother and how they didn't give up and instead I cling to all of these stupid little moments that are my life. These holy little moments. It's all I can do.

This time tomorrow, I'll be mid flight home to be with the family I love so very much, including a nephew who drools all over me and smiles like a juicy cherub and a niece who plays monster fort with me and tells me secret stories about spiders who spy and the dinosaurs that fight them, who wraps her arms around me and tells me that she loves me and that she doesn't ever want me to go.

So, I stay.

1. Dislocated my shoulder
2. Didn't make the cut for Black belt
3. Watched some good friends lose their jobs
4. Tried to do some good in the world but others fought me at every turn
5. Gave up trying to play jazz guitar after 16 years of lessons
6. Still in the same soul-sucking job
7. Couldn't complete the one important project I'm on at work before the year ended
8. Still at the same labor grade I was 9 years ago
9. My parents seem so old now and I live too far away
10. I had what I thought was a sinus infection that made my head hurt for over six weeks

but: Finally found out what was wrong with my head and now I feel so good 1-10 don't seem to be bothering me quite so much.

I may not say a lot here, but I think you're all a great bunch of folks and I wish you all the very best in 2007.

I can't stand to list the ten, so I'll just give one reason I'm sad: I miss my father, who died just over a year ago. I miss him I miss him I miss him.

I've been dreaming about him, slow pensive dreams in which we sit in our old living room and talk about all of the love and happiness my family has ahead of it, all of the family celebrations and new babies and late laughing nights... and while we talk, there is an entity outside in the hallway who, we both know, has come to take him away. And he's tired and wistful and he only wants to stay with us, to share those moments.

But we both know he can't. And we both try not to look at the door, knowing that an moment his guide will come to escort him away from me, forever.

(Even as I sit here crying with the sorrow these dreams pour down over me, I'm grateful that they're so mild compared to the horrific nightmares I had for months after my first partner's death.)

Sad: I found out in a significant, heartbreaking way, that something I wanted very, very badly about 15 years ago nearly happened, and it would have changed my life (and the life of another person) in ways I can't possibly imagine. (Forgive me for not going into details here; it's not appropriate or, in a way, relevant). And I don't mean to suggest that I am unhappy with my life now -- I am incredibly lucky, with dear loved ones and a good stable job and I life I cherish. And at the same time I now am mourning something that I had always thought was just a fantasy -- a hypothetical parallel universe that turns out, now, to have been a very real possibility, if only I or this other person would have just spoken up and told one simple truth (rather than hiding behind ego and insecurity) all those years ago.

Of course, everyone's life could have ended up differently but for the choices we make. I've just never had the proof of it walk into my life quite so heartbreakingly before.

As for happy: I am alive, surrounded by people I love, living a life in which I experience small and large joys on a regular basis. How could I be happier, even in the midst of my small sorrows?

I sincerely and deeply wish you all joy, and for those of you hurting so badly, I wish you peace.

Also: after some more sleep and some tea...bunnies, I think you're the absolute best. I've met a number of you and formed what I feel to be some fantastic friendships in a crazy combination of on and off-line life that will move, affect and bring me great joy for years to come.

I'm so sorry for all of the hurting, I really am, because we all deserve so much love and happiness...if nothing else, to counter all the grief. While I understand that's never been a guarantee in life and certainly not something we're owed, I do wish it for everyone.

Healing, hope and happy holidays, bunnies.