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18 December 2006

There are two kinds of people who never have sex... Your parents and your children. This is definitely one matter in which ignorance is bliss. Unless you're like a certain poor woman in a tale I have to tell... →[More:]One time when I was at a party somehow the conversation turned to times when we'd overheard or walked in on our parents while they were having sex. Thank whatever powers that may be, I had nothing to contribute from my own experience, but I did have this story, which happened to a friend of a co-worker.

This woman was in her early thirties at the time. Her parents were 80 years old, as they'd had her very late, and she lived with them because they needed her assistance. One night, four months after her mother had had a heart attack, she heard her parents arguing. As they are somewhat deaf, they were extra loud.

Her mother was yelling, "I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX!"

Her father yelling, "WELL, I'M A MAN, AND A MAN HAS NEEDS."

And it just went all downhill from there. I'd invite you all to share your stories, but I'm not sure we all have the fortitude to read them.

post by: Orange Swan at: 23:59 | 22 comments

"There are two kinds of people who never have sex... Your parents and your children." I've never understood this statement. Just seems silly.

posted by arse_hat 19 December | 00:11

Well, I guess a heart attack beats a headache. Hard to argue with that and Aspirin may make things worse.

posted by dg 19 December | 00:38

My parents had sex. I hope that not only did they have a lot of sex before they got divorced, but that it was really awesome for them. I don't really see what's weird about it. I mean, why would you deny someone, particularly your parents (who took the time to have a pleasurable experience that, albeit through no skill on their part, resulted in you), awesome sex? That's just mean.

posted by cmonkey 19 December | 01:27

I've never walking in on my parents having sex, but once when I was much younger and much much more innocent, I was rummaging through Dad's bedside table and asked if I could eat some of his KY jelly.

posted by Teem 19 December | 01:42

Actually, there are three kinds of people who never have sex. I know this, because I am one of them.

posted by mudpuppie 19 December | 02:08

I heard from one of their cousins at a family party that George's sons (late teens) were absolutely, totally, utterly mortified that their daddy was gettin' laid.

Now I'm with mudpuppie. Unless you count sex with Bob (battery operated boyfriend).

posted by essexjan 19 December | 06:36

My parents never had sex. Dad found me under a coaster at the saloon and took me home. The fact that I look like him is merely a coincidence.

posted by jonmc 19 December | 09:51

My parents not only didn't have sex, they couldn't even be in the same room when they did the thingamajig with the whatsis from which I was decanted.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 19 December | 10:06

This being the holiday season, and the subject of the thread being what it is...

I can remember in my high school and college years, dad would buy my mom several sweaters, dresses, etc., every year. My mom would open the box and hold it up to show everyone what it was (as was the custom when we opened gifts). Once in a while he'd mix in something a little racier (this is before Victria's Secret.... think Frederics of Hollywood). My mom would hold it up, realize what it was, and quickly stuff it back into the box. She'd glare at my father, but he just laughed that "dirty old man" laugh of his. Heheh.

No illusions in our house.

posted by Doohickie 19 December | 10:18

Our teenager is, of course grossed out by the thought of her parents doing it, as I am at the thought of MY parents doing it.

That does not keep us from reminding her that, yes, we ARE still doing it. . .no specifics, never when we'll get *caught*, etc. But still. It's fun to play with that little bit of behavioral evolution.

(but then we allow sleepovers with her gf, when she has had one)

posted by danf 19 December | 10:40

Of course no one really believes that their parents and adult children don't have sex, or would want them to be deprived of it. We just don't want to hear about it, or know anything about it, or God forbid walk in on them while in the act. Seems reasonable to me, as it is after all a private thing.

Reminds me of another story.

A friend of mine made some uncalled for comment about my parents having sex.

I said, "Mark, do you think your mom swallows?"

As a man wise enough to know that he'd unwittingly challenged an Olympian, he immediately quit the field. He apologized profusely for what he said about my parents and promised he would never err in that way again.

posted by Orange Swan 19 December | 10:55

I used to share a bedroom with my birthmom for a time when I was eight or so. There were only two bedrooms, and my seventeen-year-old brother had the other one. I remember waking up one night (we each had a bed, my mother and I) and seeing her and a friend of my brother's, naked, picking the mattress up from the floor and putting it back on the boxspring. I always thought they'd been so "energetic" they'd knocked the mattress off the boxspring, but now I think maybe they'd put in on the floor to begin with so it wouldn't squeak and wake me up. It almost worked.

posted by Pips 19 December | 11:14

My parents live in a one bedroom over-garage.
I visit at christmas and sleep on the futon in the living room.
Which shares a wall with their bedroom.

I have no illusions about their sex life.

posted by muddgirl 19 December | 11:19

As an adopted kid, I can pretend that my parents have never had sex.

However, it seems that once you get married, my parents think it is now acceptable to mention sex around me, as after recent eye surgery my mom jokingly complained that the doctor told her she can't have sex for three weeks. I did not need to know that.

posted by drezdn 19 December | 11:41

My friend's husband once heard his grandma having sex with her boyfriend when he was visiting them. He was about fifteen or so at the time. He claims to have been scarred for years.

posted by Orange Swan 19 December | 13:04

Pips, lemme see if I got this right: your birthmom had sex with a friend of your brother. Yes?

I guess it's not much different than discovering my mother having sex with a guy who was not her boyfriend (he was in the Marines and stationed in Okinawa at the time, that boyfriend is also the man I think of as my dad). It was Christmas eve, I snuck out to check to see if Santa had been there and they were going at it by the tree. That's when I stopped believing in Santa. I've never told her that I saw them.

I've probably shared too much. Ah well.

posted by deborah 19 December | 13:28

Whoa, deborah, by the tree on xmas eve!

and every day at three you throw me down by the christmas tree
I watch your lights blink on and off while you start your fun with me

posted by danostuporstar 19 December | 13:41

Pips, lemme see if I got this right: your birthmom had sex with a friend of your brother. Yes?

They're quite the brood, deb.

(I never saw my parents going at it (thank god) but on at least two separate occasions, freinds have humped along merrily with me less than 5 feet away and no wall between us. It was the same female both times.)

posted by jonmc 19 December | 13:58

I'm with cmonkey on this one, except that my parents have stayed together so are presumably still doing it.

Never understood why people find the idea upsetting.

posted by tangerine 19 December | 14:39

My parents are Catholics. They don't have sex. They have intercourse, and only for procreative purposes. And since my mom had her tubes tied after I was born (which could possibly be against Catholicism, but I never asked--and I'm not about to this week), and there's not going to be any more procreating going on, my parents don't have sex.

It's as simple as that.

Also, my sister doesn't have sex, even though I have two nieces who are as cute as very cute buttons. If she and my bro-law end up having a third child like she alluded to in her Xmas letter, she will still have not had sex.

My younger cousin in the Philippines also didn't have sex before she got married, even though her son is older than her marriage is.

My family is a bevy of contradictions.

posted by TrishaLynn 19 December | 15:43

I remember once when I was about 20 or so. We lived in an upstairs apartment - my bedroom was at the end of the hall. I was coming in late from my friends' (like 2am or so). I had to pass my mom and stepdad's bedroom, and the sounds were so obvious, that I literally covered my ears and scurried to my room.

On the flip side, my stepdaughter did walk in on us once, but we were quick. She knocked, but didn't wait for an answer before barging in. I ducked under the covers, and my husband flipped off the side of the bed. We shocked the crap out of her just by yelling. And got a lock for the door the next day.

posted by redvixen 19 December | 19:21

I was about 13, went downstairs to go pee, heard strange noises coming from the master bedroom. Thought my mom was ill.

She wasn't.

Coitus interruptus. I felt so bad!

AFAIK they laughed their asses off.

posted by Five Fresh Fish 19 December | 20:50

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