MetaChat - Never, ever let anyone know that you're skilled at fixing toilets.

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06 November 2006

Never, ever let anyone know that you're skilled at fixing toilets. →[More:]Because if you do, you will be expected to handle any crapper-related horror that occurs. Even if you're knocked up and have a sensitive gag reflex.

Some skills are best left secret. What are yours?

post by: jrossi4r at: 10:56 | 43 comments

I can estimate grocery store totals within a dollar or two just by looking at the cart. It's a gift. I never miss. (Coupons not withstanding.)

(There's nothing I stress over more than a clogged toilet, jrossi4r... do you make house calls?)

posted by Pips 06 November | 11:05

I can psychically will JonMC into any thread on Metachat at any time. This is a skill that will one day transform life as we know it.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 06 November | 11:05

I can tell you what time it is whenever you ask, and I will always be within 3 minutes of the actual time. I can also wake up any time I want to, to the minute, without an alarm clock.

posted by iconomy 06 November | 11:08

*wakes up dazed*

huh? wha?

talent I wish I could keep secret: I'm a very fast dishwasher.

posted by jonmc 06 November | 11:09

Paging jrossi4r

posted by sciurus 06 November | 11:14

I am, by all accounts, a very good cook. You'd think this would not be a skill best kept secret, but more than once I've been invited over for dinner, accepted, and then found out that I'm the one who'll be making it. (I am also too fucking nice for my own good, apparently, and need to get the 'sucker' tattoo removed from my forehead.)

posted by elizard 06 November | 11:16

Secret's out! : )

*hands jon scrubber and rubber gloves*

(ico: I can fall asleep just about whenever and wherever I want to. Even standing up on the subway. I'm like a horse.)

posted by Pips 06 November | 11:18

I can do the time thing like iconomy and I know how to sew. Sometimes people want me to fix things for them yet our curtains are hung with hot glue and straight pins.

posted by auntbunny 06 November | 11:19

My coworker just walked returned from a trip to the bathroom, and told me that the handle on the toilet just broke off. Weird.

jrossi, whaddooidoo???????????

Pips, that's an art! I'm jealous. I would love to be one of those people who could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I love little naps......mmmm...naps!

posted by iconomy 06 November | 11:20

so, for the next MeCha dinner party pips will figure out the budget, elizard will cook and I'll clean I guess. I'll try and clog the toilet, so's jrossi dosen't feel left out.

posted by jonmc 06 November | 11:20

I'm good with clogged toilets. I will also reach into the sink and pull out the gunk. I will also climb tall ladders to change lightbulbs, etc.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 06 November | 11:21

I can also spend prodigious quantities of time on Metachat without even knowing it.

*looks at the time, shrieks, runs to the shower*

posted by elizard 06 November | 11:22

auntbunny, me too! I'm a great sewer and yet all of my curtains are held together with straight pins and safety pins....hehe. My nosy and somewhat snobby sister-in-law comes over and if she sees that I've made new ones she turns them over to look at the insides to see if they're lined (because unlined curtains are so undignified), and I just laugh to see her horrified expression when she sees how I've juryrigged them with pins ;P

posted by iconomy 06 November | 11:25

I can fix cars by simply smirking at them.

posted by mullacc 06 November | 11:27

I can lift very heavy things, especially for a girl. Once people learn that you can and are willing to do it, you end up helping everyone move their desk, file cabinet, couch, or whatever.

I also believe that I can figure out how to fix, make, or do anything, and usually try to, though that belief is not borne out 100% of the time.

posted by Miko 06 November | 11:33

I can put my pants on both legs at the same time.

I can also do a basketball lay-up whilst drinking a pint, without spilling it.

Please, no house calls.

posted by Hellbient 06 November | 11:39

I can also wake up any time I want to, to the minute, without an alarm clock.

I used to be able to do this, but by golly I done lost it. I blame alcohol.

posted by Hellbient 06 November | 11:40

I too am good with clogged toilets. Not bad for someone who never lived with a toilet plunger until I moved to the USA. Seriously, what is it about USA plumbing? Can't handle more than a couple of bits of tp, what?

I'm also very good at unknotting jewelry and shoelaces.

posted by gaspode 06 November | 11:51

Also, never admit to being able to change the toner in the copier machine or laser printer, or to being able to fix paper jams. It is also a good idea never to admit to your in-laws that you know anything at all about computers. Or home entertainment technology of any kind.

posted by JanetLand 06 November | 11:51

Seriously, what is it about USA plumbing? Can't handle more than a couple of bits of tp, what?

Interesting that you say that, because once I was using the can in a bookstore and in the trashbucket next to the commode was a huge wad of visibly used toilet paper. I was baffled by this until somebody told me that whoever did it probably comes from someplace where the plumbing can't handle paper and customarily did that. Although why plumbing that can handle poop cand handle wet paper baffles me.

posted by jonmc 06 November | 11:54

tech support.

*headdesk*

posted by By the Grace of God 06 November | 11:55

That's pretty much ubiquitous in Central America, jon. Don't know if this is true everywhere, but a local on Caye Caulker told me that there it wasn't that the plumbing couldn't handle it, but that the paper fills up the septic tanks too quickly, and having them emptied was quite expensive.

posted by elizard 06 November | 12:06

I can read upside down, very quickly, and with only a glance at the paper. So if I'm sitting opposite my manager I can see exactly what's in front of him without him realising.

posted by essexjan 06 November | 12:06

Yeah. Tech support. Guh. Never let anyone know.

It's not just computers, though. If you admit to being skilled at tech support and obviously a master (heh) of the complexities and rocket science of computing, it will be assumed that you can easily fix any of the following:

Televisions.
VCRs.
High voltage electrical equipment.
Helicopters.
Nuclear powered personal submarines.
Cancer.
Any automobile, even if you hate cars.
Appropriated alien technology.
And yes, even toilets.

I was always astounded by the problems people would come to me with. I was astounded when people were surprised that, no, I didn't actually have much experience with mops or institutional janitorial technology, and that, no, I don't really enjoy mopping up a student's purged 6 enchilada lunch, nor do I appreciate climbing into suspended ceilings and poking at obviously malfunctioning dripping-wet HVAC systems that could probably kill me.

Granted, I'm my own worst enemy 'cause I like taking shit apart and fixing it, but, damn. I like working with computers 'cause it involves a desk, low voltage circuitry and a distinct lack of serious workplace hazards and injuries. The unrelenting, screaming hordes of scantily clad supervillan babes is just a nice perk.

posted by loquacious 06 November | 12:14

I'm an expert at stacking stuff neatly. Yet my closet and my bookshelves are a mess.

posted by Daniel Charms 06 November | 12:29

I can make any baby fall asleep, any place, any time. I'm very sooooothing.

posted by Specklet 06 November | 12:29

*falls asleep*

posted by Hellbient 06 November | 12:40

I'm also very good at unknotting jewelry and shoelaces.
Me too! I actually enjoy untangling things. I find it relaxing.
And like essexjan, I can read upside and backwards. In fact, I do it so well that I often don't even notice that something is upside down or backward.

Those of you with hopper problems are on your own. I'm bad at remote support. I have to see it to fix it.

posted by jrossi4r 06 November | 12:42

I can talk with squirrels.

posted by sciurus 06 November | 12:43

I can talk to paper. Jeez, talk about stationary conversation.
*Ho!*

posted by Hellbient 06 November | 13:01

*Ho!*

I'm married, but I appreciate the hospitality.

posted by jonmc 06 November | 13:02

I keep all my skills secret. I find that it's safer to look like an incompetent fool than actually try to do something and fail.

posted by Daniel Charms 06 November | 13:09

I, too, am a master unknotter of knots and untie-er of ties.

Can anyone open jars? The one thing I hate about living alone is recalcitrant jars of spagetti sauce.

posted by muddgirl 06 November | 13:13

Further advice: If your wife spends her morning fixing a disgusting clog, do not send her an e-mail saying, "Thanks babe, I owe you a solid."

Eeeew.

posted by jrossi4r 06 November | 13:17

Can anyone open jars? The one thing I hate about living alone is recalcitrant jars of spagetti sauce.

muddgirl -- take an old knife and stab it through the top of the jar. That breaks the seal and it'll open right up.

posted by JanetLand 06 November | 13:34

Alternatively, you can use a can or bottle opener to pry the top open just enough to let some air in (this is how I do it).

posted by Daniel Charms 06 November | 13:38

jrossi, you wanna explain to me what your husband means by a "solid"?

posted by Specklet 06 November | 13:39

I can know when 1pm is automatically on my lunch hour without looking at a clock because I get a funny feeling I should be somewhere else (this is from going to lunch from Noon to 1pm most of my working life).

posted by Lipstick Thespian 06 November | 14:03

Changing the water bottle on the cooler.

posted by Miko 06 November | 14:27

I guess I'm mechanically inclined because fixing/hooking up electronics/gadgets/furniture/plumbing is easy.

To open jars: just pound around the circumference of the lid with a heavy knife or other utensil. It, as other solutions suggested above, breaks the seal and makes it easier to open.

I can also drive to get all green lights and find parking spaces close to the door you want to go through. However, I don't think this is just me. I think, for some odd reason, the car gods like me. Maybe it's to make up for all the accidents I've been in (none of them my doing).

specklet, if it's what I think it is, you don't wanna know. /not jrossi

posted by deborah 06 November | 16:43

I'm super strong like The Hulk. Errrr!

posted by Hellbient 06 November | 16:48

muddgirl, I have the foolproof, no-pounding-or-piercing tool for opening jars: an elastic band. The thick ones that come around bunches of broccoli or asparagus work best, but any respectable one will do in a pinch. Just put it around the jar and unscrew. It's like magic. Or, of course, you could always get hellbient to open it for you.

posted by elizard 06 November | 17:49

Unfortunatly, they found out at work that I can nearly always fix the machines. So they will now call me from wherever I am to unjam something, or make something else stop beeping, etc. Sigh. It's nice to be needed, anyway.
Oh, and yeah, I can read upside down also. And I'm good with assembly. I have cheap rates.

posted by redvixen 07 November | 20:46

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