That's not what your mother said last night!

But you're the one wearing pants!

Oh YEAH!?!?!

I'm not very zingy.

*eats shrimp*

Are they issuing rainchecks for YOU?

Fine, take it, sir- you clearly need the Hands & Nail Care formula FAR more than I do.

≡ Click to see image ≡

You have to go to a store to get jerked?
Now really, who's the jerk?

"What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!"

Eid, for some reason that picture made me laugh really hard. I found it hilarious. I actually had to leave my desk and go to the bathroom and laugh for a while.

I'm going to break the rules and tell a story with context. And it's sort of a reverse-staircase wit, so I guess I'm breaking the rules twice. (Apologies to those who have heard it before, but hey -- I'm breaking the rules.)

About 10 years ago, I was out at a club in Austin watching the Asylum Street Spankers, whose schtick at the time was that they were all acoustic -- no amplifiers. In fact, one of the band members' job was to occasionally hold up a sign that said "Shhhhhhh."

So anyway, it was crowded, and there was this jerkface behind me who wouldn't shut up. Not only did he talk through the whole show, but he wasn't even using his indoor voice. I generally have a fairly long fuse, and I get annoyed and stew for a while before I blow up, and when I do my mind goes sort of blank and I never really know what's going to come out.

So anyway, jerkface kept gabbing, and the guy on stage kept holding up the "Shhhh" sign. Jerkface laughed at the sign, turned to his buddy and said "Boy, I'd like to have a job where I stand(*) around holding a sign telling people to shut up."

And that's when I blew.

I spun around, blood boiling, and said "Well, you wouldn't be very good at it."

(*)He was in a wheelchair.

His jaw kind of fell open for a second, then his buddy nudged him with his elbow and said, "Man, she told you."

I provide a public service, Speck.

NO, you go do that with YOUR monkey, pal!

I like to give out this phone number to asshats who insist on getting "my digits."
382-5968
Spell it out, no one got it at least not right away.

three eight two five nine six eight?
thre i ghtto f i've ni nex eight?
the ate twos i've nines i ate?
he ate 2 sine six ate?
eat two sines i(x) ate?
3825968?
???
??
?

*explodes*

Ah ha.

Take 2.

Oh, that's what you meant by spell it out...

I told a kid in 7th grade to figure out what 7393825 spelled and he thought it was my real number, called it and was very pissed at me in homeroom the next morning.

One of my sister's friends in grade school had a phone number that spelled out SEX-GEEK.