For further clarification: I have something else in the wings and am tired of things there. I want to get out of the situation as soon as possible. I don't need the reference, but I'm not the type to be a huge dickhead and just stop going in.

Do you want a reference from them? If not, you can quit with no notice just by not showing up one day.

If you want a reference, two weeks notice is pretty customary, and you can just quite by telling your boss "I feel like it's time for me to move on. I'm happy to stay two weeks to find a replacement for me, though." People quit shitty retail jobs all the time. Your boss will understand.

Or have I misinterpreted, and you were being facetious and / or looking for some grand, dramatic gesture you can make?

Ah. I see I should have waited for your clarification. If you don't need the reference, go in one day and tell your boss that you're moving on, and this is your last shift.

Yes, and unless you need a refrence, 0 seconds.

Also the best way to do it is to get pissed off about some simple thing and be like "Alright, I fucking quit!"

Weigh your decision by how well they've treated you. If they've been reasonable -- have considered your schedule, didn't nitpick over piddly things -- give them a week or so to replace you.

If they were assholes, walk out.

Especially if you had a flair requirement.

If there is a flair requirement than throwing the flair down while "Alright, I fucking quit"-ing is absolutely mandatory.

Everyone deserves to flame out at a job at least once in their lives.

*flames out*

My ex-husband used to talk about all the blah-blah-blah speeches you get from bosses when they say "if you don't want to do X, there's a guy just waiting to take your place". He'd say, "yeah, that guy's beginning to piss me off; he follows me around everywhere I go. I can't get rid of him. Some day I'm gonna kick that guy's ass."

Which has nothing to do with nothing, but I say if you work for one of those people, just let 'em know it's your last day. If they've been cool, give them the chance to go round up that guy.