MetaChat REGISTER   ||   LOGIN   ||   IMAGES ARE OFF   ||   RECENT COMMENTS




artphoto by splunge
artphoto by TheophileEscargot
artphoto by Kronos_to_Earth
artphoto by ethylene

Home

About

Search

Archives

Mecha Wiki

Metachat Eye

Emcee

IRC Channels

IRC FAQ


 RSS


Comment Feed:

♦ RSS

MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

14 July 2006

You are standing on the outskirts of a village... →[More:]Exits are (N)orth, (E)ast, (S)outh and (W)est. You are carrying a large backpack and you can visit your (H)ouse at any time you are in the village. You can see mountains off in the distance to the (N)orth and (E)ast. (S)outh lies a barren plain stretching for many miles. To the (W)est lies a dark forest. Villagers mill around you speaking in the sort of tongue that one might do if they were some bizarre mix of Yorkshire and the West Country.

(Fuck it. It's late Friday night, I've had the crappiest holiday in years. Indulge me. Usual sort of bollix commands you expect from text adventures, I'll carry on 'til my fingers are bleeding or I am too drunk to type any more and then I shall >: Pass the (T)orch to the next poor sod.)

>: Fuck Tolkien. Fuck his corpse hard.
>: I don't understand that command.

>:_
post by: longbaugh at: 16:56 | 69 comments
>: drop backpack
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:05
>: You are standing on the outskirts of a village. Exits are (N)orth, (E)ast, (S)outh and (W)est. You are carrying a large backpack and you can visit your (H)ouse at any time you are in the village. You can see mountains off in the distance to the (N)orth and (E)ast. (S)outh lies a barren plain stretching for many miles. To the (W)est lies a dark forest. Villagers mill around you speaking in the sort of tongue that one might do if they were some bizarre mix of Yorkshire and the West Country.

You have a backpack at your feet.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:06
>: examine backpack
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:08
>: The backpack is dark green and has many pockets and fastenings for the attachment of adventuring equipment. It seems to be very heavy and is made of waterproof material. It has several lumps in it from where you have stuffed your equipment in without due care and atttention.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:11
>: open backpack
>: inventory
posted by Miko 14 July | 17:16
Hmm. It seems to be a nice backpack, but I'm sure there's got to be someone who needs it more than I do...

>: look for knife
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:16
>: You look inside the badly packed backpack and find :

30yds coiled rope
Lantern
Oil
30gp
Map of village
A sharp dagger inscribed with strange runes
A key
A prybar
10 doorspikes
Eleven Elven Waycakes
A curved pipe
Some Elfweed (uh-huh...)
An unlit torch
An anachronistic iPod featuring the music of several local startup bands
A vial of blue liquid which glows somewhat
Several bottles of local microbrew
Sundry other adventuring equipment (treat as a lucky dip when in dire need!)

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:21
>: Await rapture
>: Preach at passers by
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 17:21
>: You see the sharp dagger inscribed with strange runes in your backback

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:22
>: You await the rapture for several turns. Nothing happens. Passers by look at you strangely. Several villagers eye your backpack longingly.

>: Or maybe your arse. Who can tell?

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:23
>: wield dagger
>: go north
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:28
>: You are wielding your dagger. You head North towards the Mountains of Zinadine Zidane, a great and powerful warlock who really hates visitors trying to steal his shit.

>: Thieving gyppo scum in the village make to steal your pack.
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:30
>: Eviscerate thieving gyppo scum.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:34
>: You hack the thieving gyppos scum into tiny pieces. You gain 15XP. You find:

1 Lucky heather (obviously not that lucky)
10 Clothes pegs
1 Calor Gas cylinder
1 Burned out mattress

>: You are standing on the outskirts of a village. Exits are (N)orth, (E)ast, (S)outh and (W)est. You are carrying a large backpack and you can visit your (H)ouse at any time you are in the village. You can see mountains off in the distance to the (N)orth and (E)ast. (S)outh lies a barren plain stretching for many miles. To the (W)est lies a dark forest. Villagers mill around you speaking in the sort of tongue that one might do if they were some bizarre mix of Yorkshire and the West Country.

You have a backpack and some chunks of dead gyppo filth at your feet.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:37
>: Give Special Brew to gyppo scum.
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 17:38
>: Drink dead gyppo's beer.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:39
>: go north
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:40
>: You pour your Special Brew on the dead gyppo scum chunks. They miraculously reform in front of you. They are glazed of eye and shaky of hand and seem to radiate menace and/or drool.

The Gyppo Scum Leader says "Geyabazza!"

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:41
>: Re-eviscerate gyppo scum.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:43
>: You drink the dead gyppo scum's beer. It tastes like nectar to someone who has never had a drop of tramp's piss before. You stagger North with your dagger in hand leaving the reanimated Gyppo Scum Leader to retch all over the contents of your backpack.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:43
>: You see the mountains of Zinadine Zidane in the distance. They are majestic, but not so much as the abs of Fabio Cannavaro.

A mathowie enters from the east, holding a birthday cake. He says, "What's Cat-Scan?"
A jaguar enters from the east.
A thieving gyppo scum is standing here.
posted by halonine 14 July | 17:43
>: head-butt Gyppo Scum Leader
posted by croctommy 14 July | 17:44
:> Remove Drum from pocket
:> roll tab for gyppo.
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 17:45
>: You head back towards the village (again) and impale the zombie gyppo scum with your dagger. The runes on your dagger glow as you hack them to pieces for a second time.

>: You are standing on the outskirts of a village. Exits are (N)orth, (E)ast, (S)outh and (W)est. You are carrying a large backpack and you can visit your (H)ouse at any time you are in the village. You can see mountains off in the distance to the (N)orth and (E)ast. (S)outh lies a barren plain stretching for many miles. To the (W)est lies a dark forest. Villagers mill around you speaking in the sort of tongue that one might do if they were some bizarre mix of Yorkshire and the West Country.

You have a vomit covered backpack and some chunks of dead gyppo filth at your feet.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:45
>: kill thieving gyppo scum
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:46
>: Your head brutally butts a Gyppo Scum Leader!
a Gyppo Scum Leader scrambles to his feet!
a Gyppo Scum Leader dodges your attack.
Your frenzied head brutally butts a Gyppo Scum Leader!
You dodge a Gyppo Scum Leader's attack.
a Gyppo Scum Leader's punch cremates you!
You dodge a Gyppo Scum Leader's attack.
posted by halonine 14 July | 17:47
>: You headbutt the pieces of dissected gyppo scum at your feet (and get blood and vomit in your hair whilst you are at it you filth wizard). You roll a smoke for the gyppo scum but they are all dead.

>: You look a fucking mess dude.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:48
>: Talk to villagers.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:49
>: i'm confused
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 17:49
(>: You rip a clip and explode 10 Zombie Gyppo Scum like a blood sausage for 110 points. You gain 1350 experience and a lifetime of memories)

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:49
>: wallow in filth and poor self-esteem. get drunk. cry and apologize to the Powers for killing Gyppo Scum instead of trying to get to know their unique ways.
posted by croctommy 14 July | 17:50
>: The villagers thank you for ridding them of the menace of the Evil Gyppo Scum. They promise to write in to Ye Daily Mail to tell of your heroics. They let you know that some Elves seek asylum in the forests to the East and that they don't bother learning the language and are just here to sponge off the welfare state. Some curse and mutter 'neath their breath.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:51
>: Kick villagers' shins. Go East.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:52
>: You wallow for a short time, listening to emo on your anachronistic iPod before realising that you are an adventurer and you still haven't left the goddamn village yet...

>: You head back towards the village (again) and impale the zombie gyppo scum with your dagger. The runes on your dagger glow as you hack them to pieces for a second time.

>: You are standing on the outskirts of a village. Exits are (N)orth, (E)ast, (S)outh and (W)est. You are carrying a large backpack and you can visit your (H)ouse at any time you are in the village. You can see mountains off in the distance to the (N)orth and (E)ast. (S)outh lies a barren plain stretching for many miles. To the (W)est lies a dark forest. Villagers mill around you speaking in the sort of tongue that one might do if they were some bizarre mix of Yorkshire and the West Country.

You have a vomit covered backpack and some chunks of dead gyppo filth at your feet.

Villagers surround you muttering to themselves about how it would be better "...if we just sent those bloody Darkie (Elves) back..."

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:53
>: kick 'em in the shins again.
posted by croctommy 14 July | 17:54
>: Find elves.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:55
>: You attack the villagers shins. They assume you are a Frenchman and chase you from the village. You grab your pack and head East before realising the narrator got his fucking directions wrong due to alcohol intake. The forest is, like, West. Ahem...

>: Do you wish to head East to avoid the dirty foreign Elves and their strange culture that doesn't mesh with your middle class upbringing?

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 17:57
>: Yes.
>: Kick narrator's shins. Go West.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 17:59
>: You head West towards the Elves, whose appreciation for mystic experiences up trees sounds just the ticket after a second bout of shin kicking.

The journey takes several days and you eat a couple of your waycakes. They are delicious and spicy. Surely the people who made this fantastic foodstuff cannot be that bad a drain on the local economy? You question your parents beliefs and decide to retain an open mind as you enter the Forest of Rooney.

You hear a woman's cry to the West, within the trees!

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:00
:> Save Progress_0001
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:01
>: Game Saved! Do you wish to continue? Y/N/Exit Game?
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:03
>: Y
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:03
>: Knit blue scarf.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:03
>: Go West
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:04
>: Give blue scarf to wailing woman.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:08
>: You knit a blue scarf from the knitting needles and blue wool in your backpack (puts Dora to shame eh?). You Go West.

Life is peaceful there in the open air. The skies are blue. The Pet Shoppe Boyyes wish to purchase your blue scarf for GP. Will you sell the Blue Scarf Y/N?

You see a woman and an Orc. They seem to be wrestling in the trees! The woman's bodice is undone!

You slowly realise this is how half-Orcs come about...

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:08
halonine crashed my game.

C:\>
posted by Daniel Charms 14 July | 18:09
>: Scold Orc.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:09
>: The Orc looks at you and sizes you up. You look at the Orc and size him up.

JESUS H CHRIST. NOW you see why half-Orcs exist. You politely step back lest he has your eye out with that thing.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:11
>: Save Orc
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:12
>: Wink at Orc
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:13
>: Give Orc Special Brew
posted by seanyboy 14 July | 18:13
>: Unbutton bodice.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:14
>: You preach to the Orc who soon sees the error of his ways and joins a local Christian collective. You have saved the Orc from a lifetime of sin!

You gain 50XP and a good warm feeling in your tummy. You Level Up! You are now Level 1!

Choose a Class

Poor/Rich?

Choose an Occupation

Fighter/Ranger/Wizard/Rogue/Scotsman?

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:16
>: Rich Rogue
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:18
>: The Orc turns down your offer of alcohol and sex. He has resisted your temptation! You gain a further 10XP and your tummy glows like Nagasaki.

(Class/Occupation to be chosen by votes posted within next ten minutes - choose to Cross Occupation - Levelling up will be harder but you will have more options!)

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:19
>: File fingernails and tap foot.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:20
>: You await further input from the denizens of the Plain of MetaChat to choose their selection.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:24
>: Knit orange scarf.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:25
>: You knit an orange scarf. The Pet Shoppe Boyyes offer to purchase this and the blue scarf for GP! Do you wish to sell the Blue Scarf? Y/N Do you wish to sell the Orange Scarf? Y/N

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:27
>: Go out to dinner.
posted by mudpuppie 14 July | 18:45
System Message > Better get Daniel Charms back in the game!

C:\> telnet bollix.metachat.org:714

W E L C O M E - T O - B O L L I X

SOME HOLIDAYS ARE BOLLIX
THIS IS SAD BUT THEY TOO PASS

IN THE MEANTIME
- Explore our world, including the Zinedine Zidane Mountains and the Valley of Fabio Cannavaro's Abs
- Test ye skills against ye mighty Gypsies
- Sell ye wares to ye Pet Shoppe Boyyes

By what name shall we call ye?

>: Daniel Charms

Password:

>: bunnayz

You are now known as Daniel Charms.
posted by halonine 14 July | 18:49
>: You are now a Rich Rogue due to disinterest from the high and mighty lords of MeCha. You go out to dinner.

Dinner is fucking lush for rich people. Some poor people lick your boots clean as you each sparrow testes, washed in the tears of broken hearted poor people.

You feel refreshed and full.

>:_
posted by longbaugh 14 July | 18:49
>:Use lantern

Nothing happens.

>:_

>:Get lantern.

Your lantern is already inside your backpack.

>:_

>:Take lantern

You already have a lantern. It's inside your backpack.

:>_

>:Remove lantern from backpack.

You remove the lantern from your backpack.

>:_

>:Use lantern

Huh?

>:_

>:Light lantern

Nothing happens. The lantern needs oil in order to work.

>:_

>:Oil

What?

>:_

>:Use oil

Are you feeling alright?

>:_

>:GET OIL

Your oil is already inside your backpack.

>:_

>:Remove lantern from backpack.

You've already done that.

>:_

>:Remove OIL FROM BACKPAC K

Sorry, I don't understand.

>:_

>:Remove OIL FROM BAACKPACK

You remove the oil from your backpack.

>:_

>:USE OIL

You'll need a lantern for that.

>:_

>:USE OIL ON LANTERN

The lantern doesn't need to be oiled.

>:_

>:LIGHT LANTERN

>:Nothing happens. The lantern needs oil in order to work.

>:_

>:POUR OIL IN LANTERN

You fill the lantern with oil.

>:_

>:USE LANTERN

What?

>:_

>:LIGHT LANTERN

You need matches in order to do that.

>:_
posted by Smart Dalek 14 July | 19:33
>:THROW LANTERN

In which direction?

>:_
posted by Smart Dalek 14 July | 19:40
>: THROW LANTERN INTO FOREST

Your lantern ignites the forest into a blaze. Small furry animals run about your feet, squealing loudly.
posted by Miko 14 July | 21:56
>:_
posted by Smart Dalek 14 July | 21:57
>: throw pict on top of several species of small furry animals.
posted by croctommy 15 July | 00:12
>: look

Where am I?
posted by Daniel Charms 15 July | 02:27
← What does one wear to an art show opening? || The dark side of Wikipedia. →

HOME  ||   REGISTER  ||   LOGIN
All posts and comments © their authors