At least Bazooka Joe still has his eyepatch. (Which is unexplained by the way. Is he a pirate? Was he in an accident? Or is he simply jaunty as all hell?)

It's kind of rude to ask about an eyepatch. "Hey man, how'd ya get your eyepatch?"

It would actually make for a interesting comic, rainbaby.

Panel 1: "Hey Joe, how's it feel to be missing an eye?"
Panel 2: Joe pokes questioner in eye with fork.
Panel 3: "Oh."

That's a riot!

It'd fly great as a comic, but not so good in a dive bar, hu?

(I actually combined an old garfield comic with an R. Crumb strip for that. Good artists borrow, great artists steal)

So a pirate walks in to a bar in rural Ohio and orders a beer. The bartender is, understandably a bit surprised to see a pirate in this day and age, in Ohio of all places. Strikes up a conversation with the old salt.

"You know", the bartender says, "I've always wondered about pirates and all their various prostheseseseeses, do you mind if I ask, how did you come to have a wooden leg?"

"Yar" replies the pirate. "It was a stormy dark night on the high seas off the coast of Bimini island. I were battening down the misen mast when a huge wave up and knock me first mate overboard. I dove in after him, prised him from the tentacles of a giant squid and swum him back to shore. Swimming back, a great whale, what was fighting the squid at the time, up and bit me leg clean off. But I made it back! I made it back!"

"That's amazing!" says the bartender, pouring the pirate another beer. "And, if you don't mind sir, how did you come to have a hook hand?"

"Arrrr, now there's a tale! We were plundering a container ship with a hull full of iPods off the coast of Japan, when the coast guard set upon us like dogs! The boatswain gave the order to fire the grappling irons, not realizing that I was loading one at the time, and the hook pierced my hand, and took me sailing through the air, then pinned me, hanging by my mangled hand mind you! to the coast guard ship. I fought those scurvy curs off though, till me shipmates could come resuce me, and that's how I got the hook"

"That's the most incredible thing I've ever heard, I'm almost afraid to ask, how did you lose an eye?"

"Seagul pooped in it"

"And that cost you an eye?"

"Well, it was me first week with the hook ya see..."

I actually combined an old garfield comic with an R. Crumb strip

*head explodes*

*scoops up brain, tapes back together*

*uses new taped-up brain to imagine Garfield as drawn by R. Crumb*

*head explodes again*

Mort: “O.K. We went to see that new zombie movie.”

Joe: “Cool! Was it scary?”

Mort puts his hands over his turtleneck and says, “Are you kidding? Ten bucks a ticket? It was horrifying!”

Uh, yeah, this is still my grandfather's humor. Which I guess was the point of sticking it on the end of the article.

It is aimed at kids. Kids like lame jokes. At least, I did when I was a kid.

True, but a gag about how expensive movie tickets are doesn't seem like it's going to appeal to the younger set.

That is, it's "Lockhorns" lame, as opposed to "stupid elephant riddle" lame.

Well, yes, but... ZOMBIES!!! They've pretty accurately captured the zeitgeist of two years ago, doncha think?

I'm fairly certain Bazooka Joe has a bad case of ocular herpes.