MetaChat - What's the rule

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05 June 2006

What's the rule on when to go for a hug? Or when to offer a handshake? Neither? Both?? →[More:]

I'm taking this as further evidence that I am socially maladjusted. On a given social occasion, there will be a variety of people greeting each other and hugging, possibly shaking hands, or possibly neither. I've always assumed that I shouldn't try to hug someone unless I know them really well. But with my wife being all friendly and outgoing, she'll often hug someone. Then it's my turn to say hello, and there's a little moment when we look at each other to determine whether there's going to be some kind of hug or handshake attempt. Sometimes it feels kind of awkward, like they expected a hug and I just hung back and said "Hi". So what's the generally accepted rule?

Also, do people even do handshakes outside of business? I grew up in a slightly odd religion where everyone shakes everyone's hand, and the firmness of your handshake was considered something of a big deal. As a result, sometimes I'll kind of automatically give a handshake in a social setting. I think I've gotten some weird looks for it, especially from women. Are handshakes too formal for social occasions? Should I try to refrain from ever offering a handshake outside of a business setting?

post by: agropyron at: 14:02 | 45 comments

Maybe it's this city.

After 15 years in Seattle, Gabriel Tevrizian of Buenos Aires has, for the most part, adapted to the local social climate. He's learned to smile politely rather than reach for a hug.

posted by agropyron 05 June | 14:10

I usually do the soul-shake into a manhug/backthump with guys, handshake easing into kiss-on-the-cheek thing with women.

posted by jonmc 05 June | 14:11

If it's Metachat people, go for a hug even if it's another dude.

There's no rule. It's one of those things where you have to read cues. Which kind of sucks for people who aren't as tuned in to reading social cues. Sorry.

posted by matildaben 05 June | 14:12

If it's Metachat people, go for a hug even if it's another dude.

Just don't try to grab my ass. I know it's difficult, but decorum must be maintained.

posted by jonmc 05 June | 14:13

Always hug. That's what I do. Hugs are awesome!

posted by SassHat 05 June | 14:15

For a while I had a rather amazing mental inventory of all my friends' greeting behaviors: Some did the quick kiss on the lips, some did one kiss on the cheek, some did a kiss on each cheek, some hugged, some shook hands. I'm not sure I really ever developed my own greeting style because I was so busy reacting to the one coming at me.

In my experience (if cheek-kissing is not an issue), women hug each other, women hug men they know well and maybe just smile or wait for a handshake from guys they aren't as close to, and men shake hands with each other unless they're *really* good friends or related.

When I've found myself hanging back on hugs with guys, it's generally because I'm trying to gauge whether he's OK with physical contact, whether his wife/partner is OK with his getting physical contact from a woman, or whether he's a little *too* OK with physical contact. And as a woman, I feel weird about initiating handshakes with men I already know, though I have no problem returning them.

So if I were you, I'd decide whether you want to be hugged or not. If not, then just start extending your hand. If yes, then initiate the hug.

(Man, I didn't realize this was so complicated until I went to write it out. Yes, it is confusing!)

posted by occhiblu 05 June | 14:17

I generally go straight for the crotch grab. If the other party isn't okay with this, s/he is not really the type of people I want to be hanging out with anyway.

posted by mike9322 05 June | 14:20

*makes note to wear cup to Asheville*

posted by jonmc 05 June | 14:21

I find the mulitple kisses on the cheek confusing. How many? Which cheek do you start on?

posted by betty 05 June | 14:23

Well, be careful with the cheek kisses when in the company of Italians. One error could mean the difference between "I love this guy!" and "You sleep with the fishes!"

posted by jonmc 05 June | 14:25

betty, it changes from country to country.

posted by occhiblu 05 June | 14:25

When in Rome.

I say follow their lead, but for lack of a lead, go in strong and subtle and take the initiative with a shake if you're not a natural hugger. Avoid the super manly shake unless the other party looks like they want to test your tendons. A public shake off isn't always warranted.

Go for the reach around when you feel it necessary.

posted by ethylene 05 June | 14:25

Conceptually I understand that the number of kisses varies by country. But in practice I tend to get it wrong.

posted by betty 05 June | 14:28

I was raised Jehovah's Witness, but I don't think that has anything to do with it. I'm also a Seattle native.
I think the "Seattle Freeze" has more to do with the rather large influx of people from other parts of the country over the last 10-15 years. This is/was a reserved place, (due, some say to the large Scandinavian popluation) but I hug all my male friends and will offer a handshake to people I'm only acquainted with. Same with the females.
(I may be a bit different in this regard, as I've often said that if you've seen me in my underwear, we're family.)

What I have noticed, is that sometimes guys will start with a handshake and then draw you into a hug...so I think the vibe you give off (or are receiving) has a lot to do with it.

I'll be sure to give ya one next time I see you, Agro!

posted by black8 05 June | 14:29

Ok, then. It sounds like I haven't been doing anything too awkward, except maybe hesitating a little too long now and then out of uncertainty. Thanks for the reassurance.

black8: Thanks! I feel at least 5% more huggable now.

posted by agropyron 05 June | 14:31

betty, even the starting cheek varies by country. Which makes it more complicated when you're in a country that's grabbing traditions from other countries.

And the number of kisses can also vary by situation. My Italian boss once explained that I had graduated from two kisses to three because she liked me so much; she reserved four for really close friends.

posted by occhiblu 05 June | 14:33

Grabbing ass is at least grabbing sommething covered with fabric (one can hope). Naked palms are a source of virus. Shaking hands is ok, if you wash right away, I guess.

I dunno how it is for the rest of you, but we're trained not to shake hands when at work, and that practice extends.

posted by reflecked 05 June | 14:34

Yeah, you're fine, agro.

I find the manly back-slap/half-hug kind of useful when I want to act like one of the guys. I may come off as a bit of a bombshell here on Mecha, but in real life, especially since I work in nerdland, one-of-the-guys protective coloring has served me well.

posted by matildaben 05 June | 14:39

The kissing thing is preposterous. It's very confusing and I simply don't want to be involved in that sort of greeting to begin with.

posted by mullacc 05 June | 14:39

Eth, your reach-around comment just made me choke on my gum. Why are you trying to kill me?

posted by SassHat 05 June | 14:40

(Well, I was in Italy at the time, where it's standard, so not particularly prposterous, no.)

posted by occhiblu 05 June | 14:44

I'm not a big hugger. Those closest to me, my hugees? I'm a low hugger. What's the protocol on that? Do you reach your arms up around the neck, or low around the waist? I've never had an awkward moment. . .maybe it's a height thing. A really tall hugger would go low, a short one would go high. I'm a medium-tall person, myself.

posted by rainbaby 05 June | 14:45

Do whatever feels comfortable. I don't let people pressure me into hugs or even handshakes if I don't feel like it. It may make things uncomfortable for a moment, but that's life.

posted by Eideteker 05 June | 14:55

you know me, Agro - a hugger. I do handshakes for professional reasons. If I know you, you get a hug. If not, probably a quick shake if a hand is offered.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 05 June | 15:13

Generally, if I judge that it's a sincere gesture (from a friend, or family, or someone who knows no other way of greeting [and this you can tell]), I return hugs and kisses as well as handshakes. I get lost on complicated handshakes, as I've learned so many different ones it's not always clear what to do next.

But if my cheeks are being air-pecked by some hipstress whose greetings will change next year when the current kiss-kiss goes out of style, I give 'em a big bear hug across the table, shake 'em up a bit. Or I interpose my hand for a firm shake, or I outdo the air-kiss with what I call an "air-hug," in which I wrap my arms around the air-hugee without making any physical contact at all. Sometimes I pair this with a big wet-lipped smooch, for variety.

It's sometimes more fun to confound expectations than it is to make hip friends.

posted by Hugh Janus 05 June | 15:14

This has puzzled me all my life, until recently I read some statement of etiquette that said between a man and a woman, the women always gets the greeting she prefers. That is, if she offers you a hand, shake the hand. If she offers the cheek, kiss the cheek. If she goes in for the hug, give her the hug.

I appreciate rules like this, even if they date from the patriarchy. It starts to simplify matters. Though it doesn't help with the same-sex greetings.

Like mullacc, I'm never a fan of the kiss. There is a small and limited pool of people with whom I can stand lip contact, even on the cheek.

So the dilemma for me is usually shake or hug. I like to keep things at shake level except for actual good friends. THere's always a weird transition time where you get to know someone better and they graduate to the hug.

posted by Miko 05 June | 15:14

THere's always a weird transition time where you get to know someone better and they graduate to the hug.

Ah hah. That makes sense. I think I've been running into that one a lot lately.

posted by agropyron 05 June | 15:18

agro is now 50% more squeezable

posted by ethylene 05 June | 15:25

I skip it all and go straight for the high five. For extra love, punch it.

I like receiving hugs, but I don't like those weird side-hugs. They confuse me.

posted by wimpdork 05 June | 15:26

I shake hands with people I'm meeting and hug people I know. I have a friend who is a big hugger, and I'm trying to be more like him. I like huggy people.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 05 June | 15:28

I hug most people. I have a very definite list of people I kiss, though. I don't think there's anyone I just shake hands with. If I'm not hugging, I'm waving.

posted by gaspode 05 June | 15:34

Aw, Miko, I wish I could hug you, but I'll be chill when we meet in Asheville. I bet you'll be hugging me by the end of the weekend, though! I hope :)

posted by matildaben 05 June | 15:45

Total hugger here.

posted by BoringPostcards 05 June | 15:46

MeCha people are already good friends, tilda. I can't imagine too many shake greetings, even right off the plane.

posted by Miko 05 June | 15:57

*backs slowly away from the huggy people*

posted by warbaby 05 June | 16:06

I love hugs. Except hugging tall people cracks my neck.

posted by chewatadistance 05 June | 16:53

I'm not much of a hugger. When meeting people, I'll usually always shake a guy's hand [it is some guy rule to do this]. With women, I'll usually try and read what she's expecting -- which in many cases comes across as a hug? handshake? hug? handshake? cheek kiss? polite bow?

posted by birdherder 05 June | 17:01

I'd accept a bow so long as I knew you weren't planning on making a running tackle towards my midsection.

posted by matildaben 05 June | 17:32

Hippies / Strange Trouser Wearing Liberals = Hugs.
seanyboy = Hugs.
Straight people you just met = Handshake.
Really straight people you sort of know = Handshake.
Really really straight people you've known for ever = Handshake.
Drunks = Hugs.

It's as simple as that.

posted by seanyboy 05 June | 17:33

seanyboy, is that liberals wearing strange trousers, or strange liberals wearing any sort of trousers?

posted by occhiblu 05 June | 17:40

*adds seanyboy to my "people to hug when visiting the UK" list*

posted by matildaben 05 June | 17:43

Seanyboy, what about gay person of one gender meeting straight person of same gender? Or vice versa?

posted by mudpuppie 05 June | 17:52

Seduce and recruit them to teh ghey, of course!

posted by matildaben 05 June | 18:39

There's always the hug, lift, and swing... for those extra jaunty ocassions. Does require a strong back.

(my, I'm up late)

posted by Pips 06 June | 01:49

especially since I work in nerdland

Matildaben, you've now ruined "Down in Birdland" for me forever. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

posted by tangerine 06 June | 13:04

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