Is there a chance my upstairs neighbor will drip through the ceiling after an untimely death?

(true story - happened to my friend in NYC - his upstairs neighbor died, no one found him for weeks, and he liquefied through his floor and into my buddy's kitchen cabinets and down the wall.)

*slowly puts down the chocolate-covered cherry she was eating*

Is there a chance that the police will knock on the door looking for the previous tenant?

(this happened to me & pips in two different apartments)

"Are there any other musicians in the building? Because I play drums, and I'm trying to get a band together"

Who knows anything about "illegal conversions" in NYC? Like, what's the official definition of one?

Oh wait, I just found some info on the topic. Helpful!

What are the cockroaches' names?

Sorry, did you want serious questions?

Just standard stuff like what is and is not included in the rent, laundry, make sure they're going to paint *before* you move in (unless you want to paint, in which case, make sure that's cool and see if you can get them to do the prep-work).

Ibex, Ygriega, Soon Yi, Shiloh, and Calhoun.

Ask them if there's any kryptonite in the insulation or the foundations.

You have a roach named Soon Yi? We have one named Woody....

that's not a cockroach, jon.

Dakota, River, Cheyenne, Ashley, Courtney, Paige, Mason, Autumn and little Ashelynn-Kate

Michael, Fredo, Connie, Tom Hagen and Sonny.

You are all funny. But very unhelpful.

Tell me what you know about this neighborhood?

Who delivers? If no one does, why not?

I tried!

Oh, if you want to know what kind of people you're dealing with, ask what the procedure to get something fixed is. If it's along the lines of "if it's not an emergency, write a note with your name and apartment number on it and put it in the slot in the super's door, and we'll put a work order in your mailbox the next business day" then you're dealing with professionals, if it's "Oh, you know Nunzio, if he's not drunk, he's stoned, you're probably better off fixing it yourself" then...

Do you want to know fun stuff you can ask, or practical stuff?

Can I paint the walls or make other decorating changes? Can I put nails in the walls? Install shelves? Wallpaper? What, specifically, can I do? Can we put this in writing?

When is the rent due? Is it due every month? What kind of payments do you accept?

How much is the security deposit and is it fully refundable? Can my security deposit collect interest?

Is there a penalty fee for late payment of the rent?

What are the terms for renewing the lease?

Are pets allowed and if not, would it be possible to have pets if you paid a pet deposit? If a pet-deposit policy is in place, is it refundable if there's no damage caused to be found when you move out? Can the pet deposit collect interest?

What are the conditions if I have to move out before the lease expires?

Are any utilities included in the agreement? What are typical bill amounts in different seasons?

Am I allowed to share the apt with roommates and what is the policy on subletting the place?

Can I get an official inspection of the apartment before I move in?

If something needs to be fixed when I move in, what should I do?

Can I use window air conditioners? Window fans?

Can my landlord enter my apartment or let repairmen in when I'm not there? Who has a key to my apartment besides me?

When is a landlord permitted to raise the rent?

Where are the good places to eat? Get my dry-cleaning done? Shop for food? Any good local bars?

My favourite question: When was the last time you sprayed for roaches/bedbugs/musicians?

If they look indignant and say they've never sprayed, you've got a winner.

Look for electrical outlets. Once was shown a 2br that had no plugs. When I asked the broker about this quirk, she said electrical work would be the tenant's responsibility. And I'm like what?!

You're in New York? Ask whether the place is rent stabilized or if you'll be asked to sign a preferrential rent rider. Learned about this one the hard way - we just had our rent raised $200.

Thanks for the Qs, y'all. They are helpful. Thankfully, the apartment is a few blocks from my current place, so I know the neighborhood.

outlets, listen for noise, bang on the walls and see if anyone bangs back, flush the toilet, ask about who is upstairs, ask about fuses and where the fusebox is, ask who lived there before...

I once looked at an apartment where I didn't see a heat source, radiator or vents or anything. So I ask, and the guy points to the stove...

Course, this was in Seymour, CT. They did have a trampoline out back.

Water pressure!

Flush the toilet. Check the shower.

I once rented an apartment without any closets. Didn't notice they weren't there. Once rented an apartment without a refrigerator (in the U.S, where you are expecting a refrigerator). Didn't notice it wasn't there. But they had faahbulous natural light. (My advice? Don't forget to check the stunningly obvious.)

Like that apartment pips saw? I would have rented that apartment if it had French doors and hardwood floors. Then sometime around October, I'd be like, "huh?" Don't do that.

Run the water in the sinks-all of them, not just the kitchen. Then look in the cabinets underneath to see if it leaks at all. Almost took an apartment untill I noticed that the bathroom sink was not connected...to anything. Oh, the water ran-all over the floor and the rotted cabinet bottom. Find out who your neighbors are above/below you. Small kids above you will be noisy. Old and/or cranky people below you will fuss over any noise you make.

As someone currently in an apt he hates:

- check for signs of bugs (traps, doodle, etc.)
- ask about infestation (bugs, mice, everything)
- check all water pressure
- go at a time when it is likely to be noisy so you can gauge it--if it's on the subway/train/streetcar line, try and be in the unit when one passes
- check the windows to make sure they open.
- measure the fuck out of the place, especially any corners coming in. remember that leather couch i posted about here last year that I bought. it wouldn't fit thru the fucking door of my new place. now == sold. ARRGH!
- make sure there's a doorbell (or whatever the equiv is) and that it works
- make sure there are ample outlets in the rooms you need them and that they are grounded.
- make sure there are phone jacks where you need them.
- check cell phone reception if that's important to you
- make sure you can bring in the kind of internet connection you want (ie, they service the area and your landlord doesn't have a problem with them drilling thru the wall if need be)
- measure the height of the ceiling if you have large paintings.
- if at all possible, talk to current tenants or people who live in the house/building and ask them if your landlord is batshit insane or any of the above (bugs, how quick things get fixed, etc.)

Good luck!

Refrigerators are NOT a given in LA.

Make sure there's a peephole in the door.

Go back tomorrow and see if the windows leaked from the thunderstorm.

If maintenance is there during the day, go down to the basement and see if you'll have to run a gantlet of people leering at you on the way to doing your laundry.

I'M MOVING! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

After looking at an apartment on West 88th St., I learned to ask, "Does it have a bathroom?" over the phone.

Seriously. The guy renting it was like, well, you can bathe in the utility sink in the kitchen, and there's a Starbuck's on the corner when you need to take a dump.

It was priced like a normal 1BR, too.