Update: Scarily, creepily, unbelievably, we're still happy together. I think I've figured out the ways in which we're differnt, though. What do you do with that information? Being different isn't bad. It isn't good, automatically, either. There are ways she compliments me. How great is that? However, I think what freaks me out is that there are ways I compliment her, and suddenly there I am, compensating for someone else's shortcomings. What an ungiving bastard I am! Help! I'm sure that, in the moments when I think such thoughts, that I'm being a dick. Straighten me out!

"I'm sure that, in the moments when I think such thoughts, that I'm being a dick. "

I am sure you are scarabic, you scumbag. It is 3:30 AM + in my timezone so I can't think too hard but I want to tell you the same thing I have told kmellis on occasion; Don't overthink! Take a deep breath man. Relax and go with the river.

and I love you like a brother man...

must sleep soon

What arse, said. You're being honest with yourself which is more important than mind-fucking stuff. If you think it is something that can be mentioned to her, I'd do so, but frame it as a short-coming on your part, not as a criticism of her feelings. Or if you think it is something you'll outgrow, just sit it out.

Scarabic, I have built a ten-year marriage on being completely different in complementary ways. It's the way to go. You're not compensating for her shortcomings so much as you're showing your strengths. Division of labor and whatnot. It's all very practical.

The complemetary part may be scary (the melding) but it's part of the good stuff, which is scary, in that overwhelming identity/integrity/fear of loss/etc. way that is the horrorshow of love.

The question is who protects who from bear attacks?

If both of you were totally complete in the way you define complete, you wouldn't need a partner.

I think it depends on what shortcomings we're talking about, really, but assuming they're not hugely dysfunctional ones, I would say that it's fine; just make sure when you're doing your "complementing" that you're not actually just stepping in to fix something you see as wrong but she's OK with.

That is, just because you see something as a problem doesn't mean she does, and your needing to fix it at that point may not be due to her shortcomings but possibly your own.

Does that make any sense? I'm feeling inarticulate. It sounds like you have a good balanced view of the situation, so I doubt it's a problem, just make sure that when you're uncomfortable with something you're not automatically assuming it's her personality that needs fixin', is I guess what I'm saying. Being uncomfortable sometimes is good -- it can lead us to see our own limitations (and expand them).

Also, you gotta figure that both of you were actually perfectly fine individuals capable of coping with the outside world on your own before you met each other, so making each other stronger is great and wonderful, but don't start worrying that she's gonna fall apart without you, because there's emperical proof to the contrary.

You are all wise and wonderful. Thank you.

If both of you were totally complete in the way you define complete, you wouldn't need a partner.

Oh boy is this true. It's not really compensating for shortcomings... It's more like realizing "oh, I'm going to be the one who does X" and that feels like it comes with responsibility. But I am in sore need of being complemented in certain ways, so I'm going to need to embrace it all. I am embarassed to say that I sometimes have a problem with giving. I mistake it for being taken from. I know that life is too short to worry about that, there's just this stupid reflex.... ay.

Responsibility can be good. Maybe you can think of it as showing off, rather than giving :-)