MetaChat - On the Heels of "Ask LT Anything!" it's....

I'm in love with my iPod.

posted by jonmc 25 May | 14:03

I bought new bras for The Glory and they are even more Glorious. Also, it turns out that I'm not a 34C like I thought but a 32D. Heh heh.

Humble, ain't I?

posted by Specklet 25 May | 14:04

I want to see Specklet's new bras. Just for research, mind--I need to go bra shopping, too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

posted by elizard 25 May | 14:06

Okay. I really love the rhyming threads and have had a great time getting all poetical with you, though it seems I'm always a little contentious. I seriously hope you don't take that personally; I always read it later and start second guessing myself -- I thought it seemed so tongue-in-cheeky before, but now I just look like a great big bully -- and I worry that I cause offense or that you feel picked on. I don't mean it that way. I really enjoy the poetic sparring, and look forward to more of it. Thank you, Lipstick Thespian.

posted by Hugh Janus 25 May | 14:08

Last night at the bridge tourney, I was chatting to a woman who looked well into her 90s. She was wearing a beautiful necklace - a silver octopus that had a black pearl forming the body. I complimented it and mentioned that there had to be a story behind it. She giggled, and told me that her late husband gave it to her on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. I asked what the significance of the octopus was and she said "that was my nickname for him when we were dating". After I blushed and she laughed, she told me some more about her husband and I could only stand there and hope with all my heart that sometime in the future I will be able to talk about my marriage like she does about hers.

posted by gaspode 25 May | 14:08

Apologize.
Punch.
Apologize.

posted by carmina 25 May | 14:13

32E, Specklet. :-D

And I totally have a girl boner today. ::sigh:: FUCK GEOGRAPHY.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 May | 14:15

Dear LT,

Apparently Specklet and TPS really are tiny little women with big honking breasts. I knew this on some level, but the above statistics really hit it home.

Yours,
rainbaby

posted by rainbaby 25 May | 14:21

I'm wearing my $117 bra today. Worth every damn penny!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 May | 14:22

I said I'd hang out with someone today and I don't really waaaaant toooooo but they keep caaaalling meeee. :|

posted by viachicago 25 May | 14:24

I'm wearing my $117 bra today.

If I ever spend $117 bucks on a piece of underwear, it better come with a woman inside of it. I'm just sayin'.

posted by jonmc 25 May | 14:24

...and the person just called me because they saw I was on myspace? What? Stop stalking!!

posted by viachicago 25 May | 14:26

Hey, MySpace stalking is totally allowed!

/is totally MySpace stalking today

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 May | 14:27

Dear LT,

I don't have to have my eye scraped. However, I do get to spend $20 more on Tuesday to make sure the infection's going away.

---

On my way back from the cornea specialist, I was finishing up a cell phone call and was about to go down the stairs when an elderly man in a gray suit came up and asked me how to get to Austin St. Since I'd just come from there, I pointed him in the right direction and he said thank you, very profusely.

And then he took my hand and kissed it.

And then he embraced me and kissed me on the cheek several times. Like *smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*smooch*

After about the sixth kiss or so, I said, "Thank you, you can let go now." He kissed me a few more times, then went on his way.

---

The elevator doors opened up and all of us inside were shuffling off slowly. An elderly lady who was waiting to enter ordered us to get out of the elevator quickly, saying, "Some of us have to work and aren't on welfare or anything like that." As I passed, I said, "Have a nice day, lady."

---

I'm also copying this entry for my blog, just so you know. But that doesn't diminish my adoration for you, does it?

---

So how're you doing, LT?

posted by TrishaLynn 25 May | 14:27

Wow, TPS! Gazoinga!

elizard, I got these three.

posted by Specklet 25 May | 14:29

I never get stalked. Just looked at funny.

on preview: TrishaLynn, I had a similar (though less intense experience back in my PC salesman days, when I had a weeklong spate of women over 50 flirting with me blatantly. I considered checking into a convalescent home to become a gigolo.

posted by jonmc 25 May | 14:30

I have a meeting today that I don't want to go to, I hate the housing market around here, I can't wait to move out because I feel like I've been sidetracked from my big plans, and I met a really awesome girl at the laundromat but I don't think I'll ever see her again.

How are you doing, LT?

posted by cmonkey 25 May | 15:26

Dear TrishaLynn -

I have a confession. I really get distracted when you say the phrase, "cornea specialist". In a good way.

In a way that says, "this woman - go to her. Listen to her say the phrase, "cornea specialist". Maybe she'll be eating a sandwich or something. And the whole world will become a moment of Girl Eating Sandwich and Talking About Her Corneas."

All this is to say that I'm doing just fine. If it matters, in that Cornea and Sandwich Moment, you're sitting by a window in the late afternoon, and I can hear cars moving by outside.

Sincerely yours, LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 15:34

The word cornea makes me think of corn, which makes it a weird word for an eye part.

posted by jonmc 25 May | 15:40

Dear Cmonkey -

I have bad associations with laundromats and other people. I was once sexually accosted by an enormous man who asked me if I remembered his giant penis, which he shoved at me while I was folding my laundry. When I quickly answered in the negative, he immediately recanted both his words and said penis, then quickly vacated the laundromat.

But for some, a public laundering faciilty can be the source of l'amour, and I'm sorry your Mystery Girl remains aloof. If your paths ever do cross again, please do not follow the above example.

Sincerely yours,
LT

p.s. I am well, thank you.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 15:43

I once met a hot girl in a laundromat. I got my hand inside her shirt. It wasn't the shirt she was wearing, but it's all good.

posted by jonmc 25 May | 15:49

Dear LT,

What's the answer to my problems?

Love,
TPS/KCS

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 May | 15:59

Dear TPS:

The answer to your problems is that you still see them as problems. Individual ones. Big, grinding ones. They are not. They are moments in your life, same as your joys and your curiosities and your ecstasies.

You can answer your problems by giving them their moment, and then moving on. Near you, right now, on a table, or on a shelf, is something beautiful and strong you have never noticed before. Please notice it.

I wish just once that you were stoppered up in an ornate crystal goblet and that I could unleash you like a genie and watch magic happen in a whirlwind of color and sound.

Sincerely yours,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 16:06

Awwww, thanks LT :-D

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 May | 16:09

Dear LT,

Today I realized that I had been mentally linking BoringPostcards and viachicago, with a visual image of said boring (but heartfelt) postcards being routed to me via chicago, perhaps from a lover stuck in the South for an extended project he didn't really want to do (hence the boring missives), with Sufjan Stevens' Illinoise playing over the montage of the cards' westward journey -- from Chicago's shining lake and skyscrapers, through beautiful fields of wheat, past the majesty of the Grand Canyon, fluttering by the triangular San Francisco skyline.

I fear this means I need help.

posted by occhiblu 25 May | 16:20

LT--

I just finished communicating with my printer after numerous requests for them to clarify the new timeline after they missed the agreed upon window for the proofs by a full week. I will now have to pay extra to have my book expidited to meet my deadline for MOCCA because the proofs will arrive via fedex on a day that I am out of town and I won't be able to get back into the building until tuesday. In other words, I'm screwed out of the amount of money I would've saved by going with another printer, and now have the added stress of this deadline neglect. This is a supposedly reputable printer for my kind of job, but alas I must be a small fish, potatoe, or fry.

posted by safetyfork 25 May | 16:27

Dear Occhiblu - your letter makes me think of the first time I ever read a Jack Kerouac book. It was The Subterraneans. About his longing for one Mardou Fox, a mysterious, dusky woman who blazed in his soul.

Blazing in your soul is never a bad thing, nor one to apologize for. I'm sure both Boring Postcards and Viachicago would agree, as they both blaze quite brightly and put the most ardent Phoenix to shame.

To your Triangular Majesty,

LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 16:32

Dear Safetyfork -

You are not a small potato, fry or fish. You have done an amazing thing: you have written a book.

Unfortunately, your printers have only printed one. (Well, perhaps more than one, otherwise you'd never have elected to use them for your project.)

There is a huge chasm between the kind of person who WRITES a book that needs printing, and one who only prints a book another person wrote.

I would ask that you consider this in the light of your current position. Tell me about your book.

LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 16:37

It is a book of comics / illustrations whose underlying concepts are primarily Deluezian reconfigurations of the software development cycle and a mutant interpretation of OOP in the comics context. In other words, it's 32 pages of illustrated "WTF?".

I hope to be able to show sample of it soon, but I have to go to a wedding this weekend, so I won't be able to work on the web site any more until next weekend. :(

Thanks for listening, LT!

posted by safetyfork 25 May | 16:48

Dear LT -

I have a lot of new responsibility at my job that I didn't have before. I'm working on something that is important to a lot of people and, due to the fact that I have stock options, important to me. I want to do well but it's a little scary. People tell me I'm doing fine and I should just lighten up. I am a perfectionist and a control freak, although I've worked pretty hard on fighting both of those tendencies. At this point, I want the talking to stop and the code writing to start.

P.S. I want to see safetfork's book, being that I've studied PoMo theory and work as a software engineer.

posted by matildaben 25 May | 16:53

Dear Matildaben -

Think about this. For every person, like yourself, who take risks and elevate out of the known, there are hundreds of hundreds of people who watch you do it.

Perfection doesn't exist. But you do. In the midst of all the heads-down, meek, "not me, nope" people in the world, you are a giant. You see for miles.

The code writing will start when it starts. And it will start because of who you are and what you're doing at the company who is granting you the stock options.

I guarantee you that 2 months from now you will look back and wonder at this moment and why it felt so stressful. You are a leader and are being recognized for it. This is the real accomplishment regardless of what happens.

I know absolutely nothing of PoMo Theory or Software Development. But the word "Deleuzian" sounds mighty tasty and worth bothering about.

Sincerely yours,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 17:05

Dear Carmina -

Please e-mail me as soon as you can about your post.

Sincerely,

LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 17:17

Dear safetyfork,

I think what you need to do is tell all your comics-making buds about the shoddiness of this printer's policies so that they don't have to go through that crap should they also ever want to publish a book for MoCCA.

I also think that you should go around and pick up minis for me, as I'll be in California this year and will be missing MoCCA, but don't want to miss out on the comics goodness. I can hand you a bag of "Smut Peddler" to trade with the good MoCCA folks for their new stuff.

Only... they'd better be good trades.

With love,
Trisha Lynn, the Smut Peddler

posted by TrishaLynn 25 May | 17:21

I would like a bag of Smut Peddler comics. What do I need to trade you for one, TL?

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 17:24

I try to be funny so people will like me more.
Horror books don't scare me, and that worries me a little.
I only like doing things I'm good at.
My best friend is my television.

Sometimes on metachat, I never read other peoples comments. I just make my own comment, and then feel slighted when nobody tells me how fantastic my comment is.

posted by seanyboy 25 May | 17:36

Dear LT,

Long, long ago, the presence of the word 'lipstick' in your username meant that, often, my first mental image of you was of a woman. These days, however, I often think of Lawrence Taylor, especially after that 'LT crosses the thirty, the twenty, the ten' post in the let's-play-a-game thread. Sometimes, too, these days, I imagine your speaking voice, which I heard on Radio Mecha a little while ago.

Best,
box

posted by box 25 May | 17:46

Dear Seanyboy -

EVERYONE on Metachat wants other people to tell them how fantastic their comments are. That's why everyone is in triple-digit numbers for their amount of comments on their profiles.

Horror books don't scare me, either, because no one knows how to write a scary novel anymore. I suggest writing your own scary story, about something that absolutely terrifies you. See where you go from there.

As for only doing things you're good at, try doing something you're good at, only make it harder the next time you do it, or riskier. Dare yourself to get better at it and enjoy the failure.

Unless of course, by "what you're good at", you mean panicky masturbation fits brought on by severe agoraphobia, which is something I simply can't address here.

Sincerely yours,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 17:51

Dear Box -

As all of you on Metachat know by now, I revel in ambiguity and sheer absurdity. The Metachat Birthday was a day of incredible joy for me, what with the discombobulated nicks and whatnot. So I enjoy the fact that when I was new to Metachat, people thought I was female or transgendered. Maybe someday I will be - who knows?

As for the comparison to Lawrence Taylor, hm. I'd much prefer it if you thought of me as Ronnie Lott, because his hits were just as ferocious and he played for the then-glorious San Francisco 49'ers, one of my favorite teams.

I'm glad you have heard me on Radio Mecha. My new compu-mic grants me vertiginous power - it's the closest thing to a meetup with LT without actually being there.

Tune in more often.

Sincerely, LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 17:58

Dear LT,

Why do my toes break so easily and often?

Love, mudpuppie

posted by mudpuppie 25 May | 17:58

Oh shit, I wasn't supposed to ask a question, but was supposed to tell you something. Sorry.

Okay.... Um...

I have nothing to say. I have only questions.

I guess that's what I have to tell you.

posted by mudpuppie 25 May | 17:59

Dear Mudpuppie -

Your toes break so often because the world is a hard, cruel, unrelenting maze of hidden fears and little deaths.

Either that or calcium intake may be your issue.

Tell you what: go outside tonight, find a patch of grass in your front lawn that is cool and damp and allow your feet to rest. Wrap them in a warm towel - treat yourself to some new lotion if you like.

Lie back; consider the firmament. Imagine yourself suddenly cutting free of the Earth's pull, as if the starfield above your head were actually the ground, and you were falling towards it.

Allow the immensity of sky to diffuse your body into a million tiny pulses of light.

That should do it. And take pictures, so I can find you the next time I happen to look up on a clear night.

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 25 May | 18:10

Dear LT -

All my pens are running out of ink at the same time.

Also, you should start grooming yourself to be the successor to the guy who writes Real Astrology.

posted by matildaben 25 May | 18:42

Dear LT,
You should start grooming yourself.

posted by agropyron 25 May | 18:50

I just wanted to say I really loved Gaspode's story.

Thank you.

posted by eekacat 25 May | 19:39

Dear LT,

Whenever I hear "Red Angel Dragnet" by The Clash and they come to the part where Strummer says, "Hands up for Hollywood! Hooray!" I do it too.

Also, Devo "Q: Are we not men?" album makes me giggle with evil glee, so I don't listen to it in public.

posted by black8 25 May | 21:15

WAIT JUST A DOGGONE MINUTE, LT.
I don't think you DESERVE to have a "Tell LT Anything" thread after "Ask LT Anything", because (1) I had to answer several of your questions when you didn't show up for several hours, and (2) even after you did show up, you didn't answer all of the questions still left unanswered...

If men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses, do girls who wear glasses make passes at men?
posted by Zack_Replica 21 May | 22:11
My answer: Yes, but the men rarely notice either because of the glare or because it looks like they're just looking cross-eyed at them.

If a question is asked in a quiet thread does it make any noise? No wait... If a question is asked and the answererer isn't around to answer it, does it make.. no wait... If a question falls in a thread doesOH LOOK! BEER!
posted by Zack_Replica 21 May | 22:21
My answer: Any more beer and YOU'LL be the one falling unnoticed.

What's a merkin? What's a 'Merkin?
posted by trondant 21 May | 22:31
Someone else's answer:
Applepie
Motherhood
The Indy 500
Hot Dogs
Hamburgers
Gas guzzlin' behemoths
Baseball
Aligators
Cajun music
The Blues
Gridiron
The USMC
The Boss
Teamsters
Pepsi (the regular kind, not that commie Blue stuff)
Yellowstone Park
Mark Twain
Crawfish Pie
Jambalaya
Fillet Gumbo
(I'd better not take all the good ones)
posted by GeckoDundee 21 May | 23:41
My answer: I got an especially good laugh there because way back in the '70s, I worked for a radio disc jockey, who, for comic effect, would often mispronounce American as A-mer-kin. (That, and a dozen other of his better schticks were blatantly stolen by Don Imus, whom I will forever hate with a fiery... but I digress) Anyway, based on the dictionary/wikipedia definition of "Merkin" as a "pubic hair wig", and an in-depth survey of recent trends in pr0n, it is obvious that the Merkin is no longer A-mer-kin, but like so many other things, is outsourced to Asia.

Holy shit! My thread - ghost-written by Wendell!
I should have titled it Ask Wendell Anything LT Doesn't Have Time For!
sheesh....
posted by Lipstick Thespian 22 May | 01:28
A brief critique: Using "Holy shit!" and "sheesh...." in the same comment shows a troubling inconsistancy in your use of expetives and euphemisms. One or the other, fuckwit! Geez!

posted by wendell 25 May | 22:15

ive been having really smelly farts all day. i mean.. wow. really really powerful, and they smell really really awful. and my ass is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon. wow. i almost wish you guys could smell these in order to appreciate their potency. seriously wow

posted by Wedge 26 May | 00:24

Dear Wendell -

Thank you for writing.

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 00:48

Dear Wedge -

Do your farts smell like something is broken up in you? Sometimes my farts are so chemically-redolent, I'm convinced that my insides are being eaten by some hideous retrovirus that will turn me into a slobbering, melting, exploding heap of human waste.

But then, at the same time, I love them. I love every last one of my little fart-children.

Enjoy yours as well, for children are our future.

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 00:51

Dear Black8,

Who can resist the jittery joy of a good Devo song? While I don't have any experience with the Clash song you mentioned, I do strongly believe in my soul that Rudy Can't Fail.

As for myself, I at one time listened to the Feelies' Crazy Rhythms album and turned into a screeching capuchin monkey and ran all over my room, jumping off of my bed and screeching like bejeebus.

Music is fun!

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 00:55

Dear LT,

I found out today that I got an A in my film class. That makes me happy. Let's go fly kites, okay?

Love,
wimpdork

posted by wimpdork 26 May | 00:55

these ones smell like a mix between rotten egg farts, coffee farts, and beer farts. also flaming rotting zombie poop. oh and make no mistake! ...i LOVE my farts, unconditionally. i just cant believe there is room for so much gas. and such foul-smelling gas at that. its like when you get the hiccups for like 15 minutes and you keep thinking 'ok, how much longer can this possibly go on?' the limits of the human body never cease to amaze me.

posted by Wedge 26 May | 00:59

Dear Wimpdork -

You got an A in Film Class? Fantastico! I remember taking film classes when I was in college, and drinking from a hip flask filled to bursting with cheap college hooch. My friend Beau and I would totter off to class, vomit in the bushes, and then sit in the very last row and watch the room spin until the film chosen for review would start, then we'd sleep.

And it's definitely good to get plenty of sleep while you're in school to ensure you continue to get excellent marks. Whether you do this by passing out suddenly in class or getting to bed at a reasonable hour is entirely up to you. You're all grown up now!

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 01:05

Dear LT,

My life is a near-constant pendulum between contentment at my current position and an ambition to be involved in something that will be the best application of my talents. I am not sure which path is wise and which path is naive.

Peace,
sciurus

posted by sciurus 26 May | 07:30

Dear LT,

The standing deal is that if you want all three Smut Peddler volumes, I will take $10 for it, since they're $5 each. Or--since you did say "trade" and I like the barter system--you can trade me anything you have made or had a huge role in making that you think is worth $10.

Deal?

TL

posted by TrishaLynn 26 May | 09:25

I love every last one of my little fart-children.

posted by Specklet 26 May | 10:12

Dear Sciurus -

The need to maintain proper balance between your dreams and practical reality is a constant in life, no matter if you are just beginning your career or being indicted by a jury of your peers on multiple counts of fraud.

There's always that little voice inside all of us that asks, "Should I finish that novel or completely destabilize my firm's pension system for a few more millions?" Oftentimes, it's hard in today's workaday world to make the proper choices, ones that fulfill us on a deeper level, yet allow us the financial security to hire indefatigable legal representation.

My advice to you is simply to ask yourself what it is you're doing now that speaks to you for the long run, and if you have difficulty answering, then consider other alternatives.

Life is too short to fleece your fellow co-workers and then not be able to escape to Prague when you find yourself being thrown to the lions by a foreman, a retired schoolteacher and some guy from Payroll who took the 5th.

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 10:30

Dear TL -

Here is my proposal vis-a-vis the bartering of smut:

While I am primarily known as an actor, and most of my shows run for 20.00 or more at the door, this does not make it possible for you at attend one, as you are in NYC and I am here in Seattle. Nor could I simply "comp" you and expect that would cover the Smut Barter Obligation. This is a small tragedy, for I'd love the opportunity to dazzle and delight you on stage.

However, I have another plan. I am also a writer, and what I will do this weekend is write something just for you. It will be of some length, have a storyline, and be hopefully fun to read. I will e-mail it to you on Sunday evening, and after you have read it, you can decide for yourself how it stacks up against the Bartering Power of Three Entire Volumes of Smut.

I will include my mailing information with my submission, and we will go from there. Deal?

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 10:42

Dear Matildaben -

About your pens: I've found (and this is just me)that if you use just one when writing, instead of a fistful, that you can use up the ink you have available at a much slower rate.

I don't know how things run at your company, but when I've been asked to sign something in triplicate, it usually means three pages, not three pens.

Let me know how this works out for you.

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 26 May | 11:21

LT,

You have got yourself a deal! *spits in hand, holds it out*

TL

posted by TrishaLynn 27 May | 08:24

Dear TL -

Um, *spits in hand, holds it out also?*

Sincerely,
LT

posted by Lipstick Thespian 27 May | 15:32

25 May 2006