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23 May 2006

I am stressed. tell me everything's going to be OK. →[More:] I've also determined that DumbCo is trying to make me quit. They complained about my productivity so I concentrated on scanning in as much as possible to pump up my numbers. Now I have a backlog. They want me to get rid of it, and in the same email they complain about my numbers. And all this is for a job I'm losing in just over a month anyway. But I'm getting an iPod after work, so that's a good thing.
post by: jonmc at: 08:49 | 37 comments
Basically breaks down like this, if I spend today and tommorrow eliminating my backlog, then I won't scan anything new in and my numbers will fall. If I scan new stuff in, it'll add to the backlog. No-win situation.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 08:56
Why don't you scan in some things that you already scanned in, and eliminate them two at a time?

And what does "scan in" mean?
posted by StickyCarpet 23 May | 08:59
It would take too long to explain, and I can't do that sadly. Suffice it to say that the whole situation is Kafkaesque, Joseph Helleresque and possibly even Don Martin-esque.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 09:02
Somehow, I've never noticed how scatalogical `backlog` is.
posted by danostuporstar 23 May | 09:03
They are semi-trying to make you quit. I would eliminate the backlog and then email whoever it is and say that is what you are doing. Just communicate with them as it makes them feel like they have an impact and then in a month it's all over.
posted by Divine_Wino 23 May | 09:06
the whole situation is Kafkaesque, Joseph Helleresque and possibly even Don Martin-esque

My advice: become a hunger artist, shower with Hot Lips Hoolihan, and fold yourself into three equal sections.
posted by iconomy 23 May | 09:06
That sucks, jon. (heh: I wrote "hon" the first time... too much time living in Baltimore, I think). One. More. Month.
posted by gaspode 23 May | 09:11
When Trapped Between
The Scanner and the Backlog
Eat the Strawberry.

(Then everything will be alright.)
posted by shane 23 May | 09:18
All this ballbusting would bother me a lot less if we were curing cancer, or fighting crime, or creating great art, but we're not. I'm enetering data no one will read to help some rich people get richer. It is expressly not worth it. The warm & fuzzy hip capitalist image this company (like others I've worked for) projects makes it all the more infuriating. If you're gonna be voracious, just be voracious, don't fake being nice. And yeah, I also get visited by bouts of self-loathing for managing to fuckup at a monkey-level job like this too, even though I spent the better part of a year doing all thios work with the added attraction of being in crippling pain.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 09:20
I'm enetering data no one will read to help some rich people get richer.

Or you could look at it as helping some small businesses compete with big businesses by offering a robust online catalog of materials.

Neverminding that we currently seem to be only going after big accounts right now...
posted by TrishaLynn 23 May | 09:29
Creeps are at it again, eh? I'm so sorry you have to put up with all that. What a crumby situation, as Holden would say. Just do the best you can, put on your "polite" mask (wanna borrow one of mine?), and ride the misery; in no time, you'll be on the back porch with a beer, listening to tunes, diggin' the afternoon. Fuck productivity; if they fire you for what they call "low" productivity, you still get unemployment. So, again, just do the best you can, and don't worry; it will be alright. And what Wino said about communication sounds good, too. Save your emails, also, in case they give you any shit about unemployment, and just be polite as hell. (Phony is our friend.)
posted by Pips 23 May | 09:37
Actually, I just had a smoke with my immediate supervisor (a former peer and a friend) and ran down the situation for me. Turns out I had some of the metrics figured wrong. He also agrees with me about th eidiocy of upper management and the utter bizarreness of breaking balls about productivity to a soon to be laid off worker.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 09:39
Unfortunately being a powerful psychic, I can not tell you everything is going to be okay. A large asteroid will soon hit earth and we will all die. I am sorry.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 23 May | 09:45
I have always wanted giant, hinged feet. That is all.
posted by Atom Eyes 23 May | 09:51
Yeah I'll chime in with, CYA emails out the gazoo and phony politeness. Think of it this way: they (the "powers" that be) will still be mired in the backstabbery sewer when you enjoy the afternoon like Pips said.

Hang in there.
posted by chewatadistance 23 May | 09:51
*straddles asteroid and rides it down to earth*

yeeeeeehaaah!

(we just watched Dr. Strangelove last night)
posted by Pips 23 May | 09:54
[hugs jonmc]
posted by Orange Swan 23 May | 10:13
"Last night I dreamed I was in ancient Egypt. Then I woke up. The thing is, I still don't know: was I a pharoh or a commoner?" - Slim Pickins

Basically, it sounds like you have two options: 1) wreak horrible revenge on these nimrods; 2) get the hell out and get on with having a life that doesn't suck or 3) all of the above.

I say spend all your time at work looking for the next job and in your spare moments make your bosses' lives resemble a Roadrunner cartoon drawn by Don Martin with them as the Coyote.

Steal their credit cards and order five gallon buckets of K-Y Jelly delivered to their homes. Sign them up for every porno-spam service on the planet. Do a little investigation and turn them in for their crimes. Get the corporation investigated by the SEC.

And then go work for some people who don't resemble Red Lectoids from Planet 10.
posted by warbaby 23 May | 10:34
2) get the hell out and get on with having a life that doesn't suck

well, aside from the gig, my life dosen't suck. I've got a great girl, some great friends, a buncha cool places to hang out drinking, and a cool online playground, and the worlds greatest city to explore.

I do like that KY idea though. I have much to learn from you, sensei.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 10:38
thank you, sweets : )
posted by Pips 23 May | 10:44
You got a good knife, man? With a good long blade that you keep sharpening every fifteen minutes in case you have to make a point?

Knife anyone who breathes wrong, then everything will be OK.

Wanna beer later?
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 10:48
We're gonna be at the usual location at 5 and then heading to the Apple Store up the street. Meet us there dawg.

(apologies)
posted by jonmc 23 May | 10:50
Hang in there, jon, only a few more weeks to go.
posted by essexjan 23 May | 11:01
Will doo.
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 11:01
Not many people have the opportunity to work in a Kafkaesque environment and wrap it up with a new iPod. Congratulations!
posted by AlexReynolds 23 May | 11:13
Thanks, my man.

Also, Alex, have you ever visited New York and if so, did you ever go to a building on the corner of Hudson & Spring? I think I may have ridden an elevator with you once.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 11:17
Also, on the final day, I think me and my cohorts should march out with our fists in the air, while someone blares this through their PC speakers. I'm trying to persuade them now. I'll let youse know.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 11:24
That sounds like one of those, "You were wearing a brown serge three-piece and bay rum cologne, a green and brown silk repp tie, a slightly outré tab collar shirt somewhere between off-white and white, and a pair of french cordovan loafers to die for; I asked you the time, and you read it to me off of a handsome and significant Breguet pocketwatch two centuries old. You were surprised when I shook your hand before debarking from the elevator car. I hope you weren't offended.

Perhaps we'll meet again: I'll open a cab door and you'll get out and look through me as I wink at you, or we'll rub shoulders in some nightclub on the way to the front door.

Anyway, I hope all is well."
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 11:29
Also, Alex, have you ever visited New York and if so, did you ever go to a building on the corner of Hudson & Spring? I think I may have ridden an elevator with you once.

I visited NYC last year, but didn't go into any buildings, save for a Thai restaurant near Carnegie Hall and another Thai joint down near NYU. Did I mention I like Thai food?
posted by AlexReynolds 23 May | 11:40
Hmm. This was after that infamous thread, and a guy who resembled your pictures rode down in the elevator with me and a friend, and when he caught my eye he smirked a bit, so for a moment I was like, "No fucking way..." This thread made me remember.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 11:42
"You were sitting at a Thai restaurant with a group of friends or colleagues who hung on your every word. There was an air of mystery about you -- do I know this man? Have I met him? Is he in pictures? -- that the maitre d' noticed as well. I arranged for a bottle of Mumms to be sent to your table but left in a state of flushed confusion before the waiter could deliver it. I hope you enjoyed it."
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 11:51
Hmm. This was after that infamous thread, and a guy who resembled your pictures rode down in the elevator with me and a friend, and when he caught my eye he smirked a bit, so for a moment I was like, "No fucking way..." This thread made me remember.

My evil twin, perhaps.
posted by AlexReynolds 23 May | 12:09
I rode an elevator with jonmc once. It wasn't all that bad.
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 12:14
You did? Dude, that was a sidewalk. We need to cut down on the drugs.
posted by jonmc 23 May | 12:17
It was a down elevator.

My friends are gonna be there tooooo!
posted by Hugh Janus 23 May | 12:22
Take comfort in the fact that your continued presence and natural resistance to being pushed around are giving them headaches and haemorrhoids, which will make unbending from their normal position even more painful than usual.

Then cya email them to death.

They picked the wrong dawg for this fight, I think.
posted by elizard 23 May | 15:53
Everything isn't going to be OK. However, you most probably will be OK.

If you use e-mails to CYA with regard to work performance, make sure you bcc to your private address and send any replies there too - I found out the hard way that all the written evidence in the world is worth jack shit if your opponent has the only copies.
posted by dg 23 May | 22:10
← OMG Mother and Baby! || It's rhodie season, →

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