MetaChat - I Don't Belive California Actually Exists.

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16 May 2006

I Don't Belive California Actually Exists. Even though a friend of mine just returned from a vacation there. Also during the conversation I had with her and another friend about it, I said something very witty that made them laugh. By the time I got upstairs, I forgot what I said. I hate it when that happens. But California definitely dosen't exist.

post by: jonmc at: 12:46 | 38 comments

No, it does, I can confirm it. It's a giant, hot, cold, beautiful, ugly, crowded state.

posted by cmonkey 16 May | 12:49

No, it's a land created by TV executives where everybody is pretty and half-dressed and blond and eats organic food and the ghetto has plam trees and is painted pastel hues.

posted by jonmc 16 May | 12:51

And superficial and passive agressive, too.

I still love it.

posted by small_ruminant 16 May | 12:52

Even if it existed, I could never visit. It would be like matter meeting ant-matter.

posted by jonmc 16 May | 12:53

ant-matter? like detritus from ant farms?

posted by gaspode 16 May | 13:00

*sigh*

what are you, Californian or something? anti-matter.

posted by jonmc 16 May | 13:04

Whoa, dude, like, if California didn't exist it would be, like, totally necessary to invent it?

posted by PinkStainlessTail 16 May | 13:08

hehehehe

posted by gaspode 16 May | 13:08

My birth mother said we drove across country to California when I was little, with my brother and German Shepherd Prince in the car. Apparently, we got caught in the middle of a herd of cattle in Texas on the way and Prince went ape-shit. All those t-bones. Unfortunately, I have no memory of Prince or California. California, for sure, does not exist.

But, then there's the call of Pink's...

posted by Pips 16 May | 13:09

jonmc, I think I kinda know what you mean. I can't wrap my head around California either. I'm trying to think of anywhere else in the world or any other state I feel that way about, and I can't.

posted by rainbaby 16 May | 13:10

the ghetto has palm trees

I'm always amused by east coasters' perspective on these trees. A palm tree is the most ghetto tree there is.

posted by mullacc 16 May | 13:12

It's not so much that I don't believe Nebraska exists, it's just that I keep forgetting about it.

posted by PinkStainlessTail 16 May | 13:13

Also, California is the only state that gives the avocado the level of worship it deserves. The other states can go to hell.

posted by mullacc 16 May | 13:14

I've never been further west than St. Louis myself, and I believe it was because of God pulling me back so I wouldn't fall of the edge of the world. I also don't believe Florida exists and I lived there for two years.

My uncle Geno had a dog that used to get nuts whenever we drove past a cow pasture. I guess dogs know beef when they see it.

A palm tree is the most ghetto tree there is.

Our ghettos don't have trees. And they don't have any other animals besides rats, roaches and pigeons.

posted by jonmc 16 May | 13:15

Jay Farrar has this great song on one of his solo albums that basically sums up how I feel about the parts of California that I like.

posted by matildaben 16 May | 13:19

I dunno about LA, but Northern California ghettos most certainly don't have palm trees. Hell, they don't have any trees.

posted by cmonkey 16 May | 13:20

"Ever since I was a young man, it's been Nebraska for me."
- Richard Brautigan

California exists. It is the only state in the Union that exists on a level of reality and dream. It floats, is not grounded, and shifts like the currents in your sleep.

California is both the girl you went home with, and the girl who woke up next to you, and you are the same to California.

California is the mushy, warm part of the burnt marshmallow that is New York.

I have spoken. I have lived in, and loved California, even if we don't talk anymore.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 16 May | 13:23

Los Angeles is the main city that baffles me since it's obviously the product of a 15-year-old boy's imagination. As for San Francisco, well Jim Goad put it well... (that essay always gives me a chuckle)

posted by jonmc 16 May | 13:23

Our ghettos don't have trees. And they don't have any other animals besides rats, roaches and pigeons.

The ghetto would be better without any trees - especially palm trees. A palm tree is like a flophouse for pigeons and roaches.

posted by mullacc 16 May | 13:24

New York isn't even a burnt marshmallow. It's the mint scneted toothpick at the diner. and it tastes sooo good.

/EAST COAST REPPAZENTIN'

posted by jonmc 16 May | 13:25

It's a conspiracy of cartographers, then?

If any American city exists, it's Chicago
</local boasting>

posted by me3dia 16 May | 13:39

The real California.

posted by small_ruminant 16 May | 13:42

(also, I'm working on a Poison compilation here at work. Yeah, they're the most despised band in history, yet somehow they sold millions of records. It just fired up 'Fallen Angel.' I think I shall raise my Bic skywards. With any luck I'll set off the sprinkler system.)

posted by jonmc 16 May | 13:43

You know, I was sort of skeptical myself until I accumulated about a year and a half's worth of evidence. Every night I'd go to sleep wondering, and then I'd wake up still here.

Weirdest of all is that if you're an American citizen you don't need to apply or anything. You just show up with your stuff and a little money, they give you a driver's licence, and you're in.

posted by tangerine 16 May | 13:49

If California doesn't exist, why can't I take the day off to go to the beach?

posted by krix 16 May | 13:50

California tugs at my heart when it snows.

It's where I was raised, where I loved and lost for the first time.

It's the only state I can think of where you can comfortably surf and ski in the same day.

It's where I met Kelly, may she rest in peace.

It's where I found myself, perfected myself before coming out here.

It may not be a land of milk and honey, but it is a land of the best handcut fries known to mankind.

Only in California can you find the psychic cat.

California's also where I went naked hot-tubbing. Only in California. So far.

No matter how long I live out here, I will always love California.

posted by TrishaLynn 16 May | 13:56

Well, krix, you got us there.

posted by rainbaby 16 May | 13:57

California is the permanent condition of Margaritaville.

posted by chewatadistance 16 May | 14:14

California tugs at my heart when it snows.It's the only state I can think of where you can comfortably surf and ski in the same day.

In normal places, seasons change.

It may not be a land of milk and honey, but it is a land of the best handcut fries known to mankind.

You've obviously never been to Pommes Frites on St. Marks.

It's where I found myself, perfected myself before coming out here.

New York's entire population exists to remind you of the impossibility of perfection and is thus perfect. And we are all steeped in self-loathing here and thus emotionally healthy.

California's also where I went naked hot-tubbing.

I don't believe in hottubbing either. If I was meant to be boiled God would have made a crayfish.

posted by jonmc 16 May | 14:17

Hm. I thought it was Arizona that didn't exist.

posted by deborah 16 May | 14:23

Mmmm... crayfish.

*dons bib*

posted by Pips 16 May | 14:32

A student just called me "EdHead." He wants me to look at his story. "You're the EdHead," he said.

I'm just sayin'--

Start spreadin' the news...

posted by Pips 16 May | 15:02

Our ghettos don't have trees.

Heh, met a New Yorker on the bus who was complaining loudly how much he hated all the greenery here in Seattle. He missed concrete.

One of the guys in my dorm was from New York, and he never let you forget it. He was really upset that he could never find anyone to play lacrosse with. He would play "New York state of mind" by Billy Joel endlessly. None of us could figure out why he chose to come to a small university in Central California and he never said why.

posted by luneray 16 May | 15:16

I think that deserves a post of it's own, with speculation on the meaning of 'EdHead.'

posted by jonmc 16 May | 15:18

Growing up (literally) on the beach in So Cal, I always hated the pop songs that celebrated the all the fun I was supposed to be having. Of there were two girls for every guy, some dude there had 4 of 'em.

But then one wet, cold, dark, grey December day walking in Eugene, my feet cold, my hands freezing even though they were in my pockets, I heard California Dreamin with new ears.

I had to immediately go out and get one of the countless Mamas and Papas collections, and love it still.

I still hate the Beach Boys, and all those other groups though.

posted by danf 16 May | 15:28

It's the only state I can think of where you can comfortably surf and ski in the same day.

Done that.

posted by danf 16 May | 15:30

I like California.

posted by halonine 17 May | 10:44

No, it's Minneapolis that doesn't exist, and the people in Hollywood are working hard to perpetuate that myth. (Come on now, did anybody actually BELIEVE that Prince and Garrison Keillor are from the Midwest?)

posted by wendell 17 May | 13:42

← I have a month until I can move out || Huh? →

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