Thank god I'm not the only one who experiences this!

I got hit with a crushing wave of despair around 7.15, but that could have been because it was 7.15 and I was moving on my tenth hour of work and my fifth hour of staring at the same spreadsheet.

Maybe something's going around.

Scody, for your bennefit, I'll transcribe a Roz Chast cartoon from the New Yorker a couple weeks ago:

What to Expect When You're Alive

The 461st Month:
You might find yourself taking all your mail and dumping it down the incenerator chute. Don't worry - it's normal.

The 543rd Month:
During this month, it's possible that you will hate everyone you've ever met. This will pass.

The 612th month:
Don't be alarmed if you should suddenly find yourself start to wonder - no, REALLY start to wonder - about everything. It's very common in your condition.

Hee hee, thanks pie! Normally I would say I love Roz Chast, but right now of course I can't muster up any feeling. (Fave Roz Chast cartoon from many years ago: "Late-Night At the Insomniaplex," in which "EBOLA!!!!" is playing on several screens.) I want an incinerator now, just to dump all my mail down it.

They say suicide is usually a momentary impulse.

I understand the impulse. But I also understand that the impulse passes and then I remember that I don't believe in heaven or hell and that I'd really miss alot of stuff if I were dead. And I'd miss my family way too much.

I find that being around little kids (the happy kind) is a really good way of banishing those thoughts. Also, I look at this picture and can't help but grin like a doofus.

Sending me your mix CD can give you a reason to keep on going!

Thank god. I've felt this way all week, but it's been crushingly bad today. Glad others are having similir problems (not glad that you're unhappy; you know what I mean).

I am now in my 13th hour at work after 3 hours of sleep on the slowest day of the week. Ennui hangs in the air like an oil-fire fog. I can taste it. It tastes like blood from my own mouth. I am considering building a small bonfire on my desk, taking off my pants or scooping out my eyeballs with a letter opener or staple remover.

The most interesting thing so far today was touching off cigarette butts in the ashtray outside and watching them smolder. That even wins out over the skater kids who managed to wrangle me into going inside the closed campus/building and retrieving water for them.

I still have 2 hours to go.

The only thing I want at this point is home + belt of vodka + book + eventual sleep so I can get more then 3 hours before I do this insane shift again tommorow.

(matildaben, you haven't gotten the mix yet? I sent it last weekend! Perhaps the package is also caught in a vortex of nothingness...)

scody - anything unusual happen today that might have triggered some kind of change in your body chemistry?

is it the anniversary of something (May 3rd, think... think...)?

I'm often amazed at how fragile the web of meaning of life is. Everything seems so solid and in place, and then one event comes along and just unravels all that certainty and purpose that seemed so clear just a few hours ago.

If you don't want to have dinner, is there anything you *would* like to do? I find a nice steaming hot bath helps me in oh,so many ways...

Jasper, thinking about the anniversary thing is a good point...it's about a month away from the anniversary of both my maternal grandparents' death (they died within a few weeks of each other -- she in early June, he in mid-June), plus I've got lilacs in the house, which always remind me of grandma. So I wonder if that's on the brain. It's been 6 years now and I have to admit sometimes I feel like I'll never stop missing them so badly.

Also, I weaned myself off (very gradually -- like over the course of a couple of months!) my antidepressants about 2 or 3 months ago. Interestingly, I felt no side effects at the time (I was all "OMG, I'm off antidepressants for the first time in 7 years and I feel awesome!")...so maybe this is a belated little twinge of that.

I did actually finally make dinner -- chicken dijon, my favorite. Though the sauce didn't thicken properly. Oh the humanity! ;)

(oh, and fenriq, thanks for that pic -- adorable! I must say, there's nothing that's guaranteed to make me smile as much as pictures of goofily grinning toddlers.)

oh Scody - you never got my email?

hellbient -- nope, don't think so... maybe stupid spam filters scooped it up? Or maybe it just fell into THE EXISTENTIAL ABYSS. Anything is possible. But send it again!

Mmmm... lilacs!

...I don't believe in heaven or hell and that I'd really miss alot of stuff if I were dead. And I'd miss my family way too much.

so you do believe in an afterlife? or...?

let me just say i went to bed at 10:30pm last night- not so much out of tiredness as just not having anything to do after Lost went off.

Then I slept til 9am and I was still tired.

Can I just also say that the Postal Service (the band) can kiss my ass? it's a long story, but it's not because I dont like their music.

[oops, was that one of those "derail" thingies I keep hearing about? it was supposed to tie into the theme of "ennui"]