MetaChat - An Introspective Thread: When Did You Become an Adult?

I'm still waiting. I'm actually convinced that most adults are merely overgrown toddlers with body hair playing dress-up. I don't relate much to youngsters, but I sure don't feel like I've undergone some magical transformation into a grown-up.

posted by jonmc 25 April | 11:16

At age 30, when I was married and owned a house. I still feel like a kid most of the time, but I think it's time to admit that I'm in the adult group now. Otoh, there are a lot of benefits to adulthood, and I try to exploit them all.

posted by agropyron 25 April | 11:16

I was 18 . . .this was during the Vietnam war and I was a draft resistor. . .which put my at odds with my family, who wanted me to sign on as a medic in a non combat role. . .neglecting that medics were good targets.

My dad died during this, without there being the possibility of any repair to this rift.

I had many dreams that he'd come back, for a short time, to say good bye and to reconcile, but it never happened in the dreams. . .there was always something in the way.

I think that is when I grew up.

In another way, I still don't act my age. . .*smile*

posted by danf 25 April | 11:18

On IRC the other night, I mentioned that I had decided it was time to grow up. I was met with impassioned pleas not to do so. I think that stems from differing ideas of what 'grown up' is. By 'grown up' I don't mean incapable of fun, super-serious, or dedicated to a life of drudgery. For me, it means accepting that the best I can do is live by a good set of values, take care of myself and those I care about, and let the chips fall where they may. It means not expecting events to organize themselves in such a way as to please me, and feeling overwhelming self-pity when they don't. I couldn't pinpoint a moment where I realized this, but it has to do with some life choices and self-examination going on right now. I'm old for this, I think. I've been both lucky, and all too skillful at avoiding the kinds of experiences that bring this on people at a younger age. But better late than never.

I usually hate George Bernard Shaw, but I liked this quote of his:

"This is the true joy in life--the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

posted by Miko 25 April | 11:19

What makes me feel like a grownup is the fact that I can't get "in trouble" anymore. When I was a kid I really hated the fact that, for example, you'd catch shit for doing something at school, and then when they told your parents about it, you'd catch shit all over aGAIN. Everything was two-for-one. Now, if I screw up, it's my problem, and no one's allowed to yell at me about it who isn't directly concerned.

posted by JanetLand 25 April | 11:20

Still kinda figuring that out now. My mother dying last year, and my now suddenly being in many ways the "matriarch" of the family, has been a big thing -- I'm suddenly in charge of organizing family holidays, for example, and the way my father and brother treat me during that process makes me feel like they, at least, see me as a grown-up. Also realizing that when my parents were my age, I was two years old; if I had a two-year-old right now, I'd be TOTALLY CLUELESS, which has led me to believe that the people I think of as "adult" really don't know what they're doing all that much more than I do.

posted by occhiblu 25 April | 11:21

My first, flippant answer is that I always said I would consider myself an adult when I stopped spilling food and drink on myself at meals. Well, that hasn't happened yet...

But seriously? I don't feel like an adult at all. Part of it is having a job where I don't really answer to anyone - I make my own hours and frequently miss mornings and work late etc. (maybe for some people it would make them feel more adult because they are in charge of themselves; for me it just keeps me in perpetual graduate student-hood).

I'm married, but I don't feel grown up because of that. Mainly because the mr. and I act like idiots with each other. We don't own a house or a car or anything "adult" like that. (thanks, NYC!)

I suspect I will feel a little more grown when and if we have our kid. Definitely much of our selfishness will have to go. But maybe nothing will do it.

posted by gaspode 25 April | 11:22

I have a very continuous sense of self. I've always just been me. No thoughts of "when I was a kid" or anything. No "I'm an adult now" moment for me.

posted by rainbaby 25 April | 11:23

Though I have also always liked a friend's observation that you become an adult when you still watch "The Real World" but you spend the entire half-hour pointing at the TV and saying, "What is WRONG with these kids????"

posted by occhiblu 25 April | 11:25

I've always considered myself an adult, even when I was very young. And nobody ever took me seriously, which made me so mad- I read the paper from 3rd or 4th grade on, and no adult ever wanted to hear my political views. Bastards.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 April | 11:25

On the other hand, to completely contradict my other comment, I had a weird moment at work a few months ago when talking to one of our 23 year old technicians. He is very cute, tall, multilingual, very smart and taking a year off before he starts med school soon. Rather than thinking just a generic "rowr" I thought "if I had a daughter he's exactly the sort of boy I'd like her to date".

And then I shed a little tear.

posted by gaspode 25 April | 11:29

The day I played Taps at my grandfather's burial. My 'rents divorced soon after. I was an adult then at 13 but it took me about ten years to realize it.

posted by sciurus 25 April | 11:29

to add to the oddly contrdictory chorus: for someone who admits to being basically an overgrown child, I prefer the company (and often share similar worldviews) of people much older than me. I'm not sure what that's about.

posted by jonmc 25 April | 11:32

gaspode! Hook a sister up!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 April | 11:37

I've become an adult several times, but I mostly consider myself to be an adult in the limited sense that I wish to own my own problems and failings and not blame others (although I still have many, many problems and failings...)for them, I'd say since about the age of twenty four.

Miko, this is basically a dead on description with how I see the vast bulk of humanity:

"a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

Oh and I am also an adult because I find teenagers revolting, stupid, shining with grease, hormonal, in their puffy jackets, unable to fully close their mouths, smelling of potato chips and secretions, honking, strutting, infernal little monsters. Hate them, also since the age of about 24.

posted by Divine_Wino 25 April | 11:38

He moves to California in a month or so, TPS. :( I'll keep an eye out for the next one for you.

posted by gaspode 25 April | 11:38

Here

posted by mike9322 25 April | 11:39

Bummer! I lose more cute boys to California....

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 April | 11:41

I'm actually convinced that most adults are merely overgrown toddlers with body hair playing dress-up

So true. In one of John Updike's "rabbit" books he wrote that every man considers himself a fraud, that's he's just posing as an adult by trying to imitate his father. But then he realizes his father was doing the exact same thing.

It was more elegantly written than that, but its one of the most true things I've read.

So I say there is no such thing as adulthood, except in the minds of younger people.

posted by drjimmy11 25 April | 11:46

When it started to become more fun to give presents at Christmas than to get them.

(Ha..TPS, I know exactly what you mean. I was born 42, despite being short and blonde with a baby face.)

posted by jrossi4r 25 April | 11:56

That's why I always try to take children seriously. Because I assume they all feel like I did (I'm sure they do, to some extent- being treated like "a kid" sucks).

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 25 April | 11:57

I actually do agree that there's an illusion aspect to adulthood. But I'd also say that part of becoming an adult is realizing that all of those seemingly self-assured, together people who looked like adults when you were younger were also making it up as they went along. With that realization comes the responsibility to see them as human, no wiser or more knowledgeable than yourself, but brave enough to do the things they did anyway. That awareness alone is a step into maturity.

In other words, the day you realize there's not much difference between you and the 'adults', you are an adult.

posted by Miko 25 April | 12:00

It depends on how one defines the condition of "adult".

I sort of felt adultish when I had to drive my sister's kids to dinner, and I felt like I was carrying little gold bricks in my car and they damn well better get there in one piece.

Other than that I try to stay as silly as possible in as many places as posssible.

posted by chewatadistance 25 April | 12:02

I thought it was when I gave up buying comic books (on a regular basis anyway) at 29. But I think that's wrong.

I think there are plenty of us who equate 'adulthood' with the death of fun. Like life is supposed to be all work and no play. I imagine that my friends with children are feeling more 'responsible' but even some of them play in bands, pursue unusual or interesting hobbies and generally seem happy with their lives.

I drink in bars, pay taxes, work a job, drive a car, own some stuff and vote...perhaps that's all you need.

posted by black8 25 April | 12:03

Less or more, at different times. It's not an all-or-nothing thing; it comes in stages. Maybe the first stage was when I was 22 and I lived in a neighborhood near a high school, and the kids would hang out at the corner store, and I would always get kind of scared when I walked past them, because being a high school kid who always got teased by other high school kids was a pretty recent memory. And then at one point, I realized that they didn't even notice me walking by, because I was an "adult" and therefore not even on the radar.

Much more recently, I had an "adult" feeling when I had my own business license and accountant.

But sometimes I still feel like a kid. I'm one of those urban-dwelling Gen-Xers who's still carrying out some sort of protracted adolescence - no kids, no mortage, go out to see bands all the time, etc.

posted by matildaben 25 April | 12:14

I disagree. I'm turning into an adult now at 34 before my very eyes. I can feel my brain patterns changing: the way I analyze situations, my lessening dependence on intuitive leaps (= slower but surer getting to the answers). I'm judgemental about different things. This works out to mean that I take a few things more seriously and most things less.

Young adulthood now looks like just another stage of childhood, so I don't have the contempt for it I used to (meaning, a two year old's temper tantrums are annoying, but it doesn't make me think the tantrum thrower is a bad human being.)

So, I'll see where I end up at 40, but it's very very strange to change so quickly that I notice it.

I read that some Native Americans thought adulthood began at 40. That's beginning to make sense.

posted by small_ruminant 25 April | 12:28

Mature: at a very young age
Adult: when I got my first apartment
Grown-up: it'll never happen

posted by deborah 25 April | 12:31

I'm not sure when I started feeling like an adult... the major stepping stones for me were
-renting my first apartment
-buying my first new car
-buying my first house
-realizing I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Mrs.Tacos...

and honestly... a lot more... I keep on having moments where I realize that something about me has been fundamentally changed, and that I'm happy as hell about it.

posted by I Love Tacos 25 April | 12:40

Yesh, I don't even want to think about this. The idea of being a "man" and not a "guy" freaks me out. :P

posted by delmoi 25 April | 12:58

When my dad died.

posted by Eideteker 25 April | 12:59

Alternatively, when I realized there was no such thing as "grown up" and that it's one long perpetual childhood.

posted by Eideteker 25 April | 13:00

My adopted mom is ninety years old (almost ninety-one), and she says she still feels the same as she did as a young girl, when her father used to let her steer his delivery truck or she let the baby chics they raised sip saliva from her mouth. More and more, her memories are on her childhood and adolescence, her sweet sixteen party, where they rolled up the rug to dance and she got new white wicker furniture for her room. "I look in the mirror, and I get scared," she says. I've seen this; she jumps and gives a little scream. She recently let her hair go silver/grey, and this was a big deal.

I've got a few white hairs myself. And I'm developing the jowls of a St. Bernard, I fear. I pay bills, but I'm the same; I vote, but I'm the same; I register my car, but I'm the same; I go to the gynecologist (or I'm supposed to), but I'm the same. My fixed age seems to be nine.

Anyone wanna play Kick-the-Can?

posted by Pips 25 April | 13:15

...and she cares for a mildly insane drunken overgrown child. impressive, huh?

posted by jonmc 25 April | 13:21

Is being an adult is getting the message that you can do anything you want, but no one's going to clean up after you? If so, I feel like I've been there a long time, but I bet that twenty years from now I'll look at myself today with some amusement.

Anyone who's halfway alert is presumably going to get wiser over the years as the stories and examples pile up. I think it's a continuous process and I can't pinpoint a cutoff.

I know that as every day goes by I'm becoming better attuned to people's histories and vulnerabilities and clumsy intentions, and I'm much less likely to feel hurt or angry about things people do.

Also, I get better every day at recognizing how events develop. I think I can spot bad situations in earlier stages, so it's now a little easier to step deftly away rather than tussling or toughing things out.

I'm a lot tougher on some things, a lot more easygoing about others. It'll be interesting to see how this continues to change over time.

For what it's worth, I've never felt much of a cultural/generational disconnect from my parents. Also, for various reasons, I've never identified strongly with a generation or had too many silly ideas about what it would mean to be any particular age.

posted by tangerine 25 April | 13:26

My fixed age seems to be nine.

Mine is 27. I was born 27, and I'm still 27.

posted by rainbaby 25 April | 13:31

..and like all rock stars, you will die at 27. whether it's an overdose, plane crash or choking on a ham sandwich is entirely up to you.

posted by jonmc 25 April | 13:32

It probably began the first time I was alone in the hospital room with my son, who had been born the night before, and I promised him, aloud, that I would take care of him.

Dealing with my father's oncologist. Kissing my father's cold forehead and saying goodbye, after administering his last dose of morphine the night before.

Most recently was feeling all pissy because as far as relationships go, I had come to the conclusion that I'll likely never get what I want, and then giving myself a shake because what I "want" might actually be.... kind of stupid. That's not exactly the right word, but it's better than "unrealistic", which was the other one that occured to me.

And who gets exactly what they want, anyway? It's better to make the best of what you're given (yeah, take my own advice, sure).

posted by jokeefe 25 April | 13:36

When I had my first child.

posted by bunnyfire 25 April | 13:37

So I'm dead jonmc? I passed 27 ten years ago. I am still a ROCK STAR though!

posted by rainbaby 25 April | 13:39

I OWN my place, but I still don't feel settled.

posted by brujita 25 April | 13:40

indeed. your fans still gather at your grave once a year to sing songs, smoke pot and drink strawberry quik.

posted by jonmc 25 April | 13:41

Aww, that's touching. Thanks.

posted by rainbaby 25 April | 13:43

I think I finally became an adult when my marriage broke up five years ago. I had a period of intense depression afterwards (even though it was my decision to end the marriage) and a fear that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. It was a very co-dependent relationship, although I didn't realise that until some time later.

But I got my act together, raised the finance to buy him out of our home so I didn't have to move, and for the first time felt like a grown-up, being completely responsible for my own support, health and well-being.

(Why do I still feel 17 in my head?)

posted by essexjan 25 April | 13:49

I feel 16 in my head. I guess I don't take that to mean I'm not grown up, that's just the benchmark age that I'm surprised not to be when I look in the mirror. 16 was a good time; my fixed sense of self dates from that time, and means there is a sense of wonder and enchantment and excitement about the world, combined with capacity for abstract thought.

posted by Miko 25 April | 13:59

Funny, I was thinking of asking this exact question before I headed over here today.

I'm 25 and most of the time I wish I was still five years old (let's climb trees!!), but it's also completely natural not to have anyone else taking care of me. One of my close friends has recently become pregnant (the first in our group), and I've had the occasional moments of "Wow, WE're going to be the adults who take care of this kid? Really??"

The more I get to know my parents, the more I suspect that we all just make it up as we go. They've changed a lot in the last 5 years, and it's been really interesting to realise that that can still happen even though they're in their 50s. It's disconcerting and comforting all at once.

posted by heatherann 25 April | 14:03

They've changed a lot in the last 5 years, and it's been really interesting to realise that that can still happen even though they're in their 50s. It's disconcerting and comforting all at once.

My wife and I are in our 50's and we do not feel that "old."

We are still making it up as we go along. . .changing. . .sexually, emotionally, nothing is settled other than we sorta know we'll die in the house we're in.

Other than that, we don't act our age.

My dad (above) died at 45. . .it may as well have been 95, when I was 18. It took me a LONG time to understand how young it is to die at 45. I just did not get it when I was younger.

posted by danf 25 April | 14:08

tangerine's description fits me except the last part; I suddenly realized that although I'm fairly non-judgemental about younger people, my parents' generation still pisses me off irrationally.

So I'm not there yet.

posted by small_ruminant 25 April | 14:45

I go back and forth about how old I might feel in my head... but I like to try and invoke who I was when I was 11, because I've never been happier, before or since. I was old enough to read difficult books, but puberty hadn't hit the fan yet.

posted by jokeefe 25 April | 14:52

I seem to remember reading an anecdote about the French novelist Jules Romain, who met a priest who had been in the Resistance in the war, captured and tortured by the Germans,and asked him what his experiences had taught him about life.

The answer was that everyone has a secret they have never told another human being and that there is no such thing as a grown up.

Or something to that effect. I remember reading something like that, being struck by the comment and it has stayed with me for years. But I have never run across the passage again. So, now I wonder what I read and where.

When death enters your life, your attitude changes--I can say that. And death enters your life and your thoughts more and more the older you get. Or such is my experience.

posted by y2karl 25 April | 17:57

In the past couple of years, when I finally got my act together financially and emotionally -- that is, when I realized that not only could I really take care of myself, but that I was good at it. Also that I've developed a stronger sense of my personal values, and at the same time becoming (I hope) less judgmental of people for having different ones.

posted by scody 25 April | 20:21

25 April 2006