No.

I've had some that have turned amicable after awhile, but at first, they just suck.

Ditto.

Ditto on TPS. Am now friends with my ex-boyfriend but the breakup itself was a clusterfuck.

I've dated (??--what is "dated," really?) a couple people where, once we actually dated, there was just no spark, just awkwardness. No hard feelings afterwards. But it seems rare.

It's mostly ego, isn't it? One party feeling dumped, even if they would've dumped the other party eventually?

I dunno.

I'm not well-versed in the ways of dating at all.

My breakup with my wife is the very definition of amicable breakup. For our entire relationship, we always had a 'project'. It was all passion at the beginning, and then she got pregnant. We had already decided to move in together, so that worked out nicely. Marriage didn't even come up at this point. And, then, it basically went: pregnancy, infancy, wedding, saving for a house, purchasing a house, furnishing the house... over the course of about 4 years. Then, suddenly, we were done with all our projects. We had nothing else to keep us busy. This went on for a few months, and one day we just looked at each other, and we both knew what was coming. The Conversation was frank and honest and, most of all, relieving. We'd both been thinking the same thoughts and it was so nice to get them out there and to realize that we both felt exactly the same. The love, if there ever had been any, was long, long gone. There was a deep friendship and a mutual respect, but our projects had always conealed the fact that we didn't love each other.

Of course, it was emotional and heart-breaking because we have a child. We struggled about ten months with whether staying together "for Hunter" was the right thing to do. There was a thread on AskMe right about this time about "staying together for the kids" and it really REALLY solidified the decision that we had pretty much already made. Once that decision was made, then the focus began to be on Hunter. We continue to live close to one another, we have "family night" every week, and we communicate all the time about our child. We may not be together anymore, but we have actually grown closer as parents because we have to talk so much to ensure that Hunter is raised consistently by both of us.

I hear so many horror stories about divorces with kids in the mix, and equally as many about ill-fated marriages that stayed together and made the kids miserable. We somehow managed to split up, be happy, and make sure that the child stays happy and loved as well. It makes me proud to think that maybe I'm doing something right.

That sounds great and also abnormally mature and intelligent, mike9322.

I know, I'm such a grown-up.

And, thank you.

That's an interesting and touching story, mike.

To answer the question -- no, I haven't. I do think you're spot-on, though, with the idea that often somebody has to do the dumping first, even when both people know it's not working.

First was amicable in that she cheated on me but I was beyond feeling bad about it at that point. Does that count?

No. Some better than others. Best lesson learned was that it's equally hard to be the breakerupper as the breakeruppee.

I'm friends with every ex, but this last one was probably the quickest transition. In fact, there really was no break between dating (we went out 1.5 years) and friendship. We still spend as much time together, but it's mostly platonic now. However, I think the only reason that set-up is working so well is that I'm moving soon; otherwise, there might be more of a push by one or both of us to move on, at least somewhat, by now (we broke up at the end of January).

There have been a couple of rough moments. He went on a date with a friend of his I know, and that hit me harder than the break-up did. And he no longer thinks breaking up was such a good idea, which makes me feel awful, because I do. Despite these things, staying friends all along has worked for us.

My ex and I broke up on fairly amicable terms. We'd been together five and a half years and we just kind of knew that we weren't going any farther. We broke up and it felt like that's what had to be done. My friends were sadder/angrier than I was!

Yeah, I've had a couple of clean 'hey, you know, this just isn't working. can we go back to just being friends?' breakups. Once in the middle of a date, even. I've also had a couple of messes, so it all evened out. (Although, one of the messy ones later invited me to his wedding, and another one used to use me as a sounding board while he and his fiancee were planning their wedding (there was a lot of family baggage, and I already knew most of it, so even though it was a messy breakup he didn't feel like he was airing the family laundry in public...).)

The upshot of my whole situation with my ex is that I am now her confidant in all matters romantic. She doesn't call girlfriends to talk about guys; she calls me. Which isn't all that unusual when you consider that she is a close friend who I just happen to have a child with.

Yes.

I'm not sure how AMICABLE it was... I think she was pissed at me when she dumped me, and I was a little peeved to be dumped on my birthday. I think she might have begun schtupping someone else toward the end but I didn't really care because I almost immediately began schtupping the most gorgeous woman in my entire acquaintance. And I don't think either of us really wanted to be with the other anymore, anyway (too much fighting, hated each others friends, lousy sex). So I was sad for a few days but have never looked back and have no regrets (I usually spend about a year mired in regrets). We've met up once or twice since then. No hostility. So I dunno, is that amicable?

Emendation:
Short-term and/or casual relationships: yes, amicable breakups abound.
Long-term and/or serious relationships: breakups not so great.

Yes, years ago, and we still love each other from afar, and she called me out of the blue this weekend, said she'd been thinking about me a lot recently, said a lot of other things, and so did I -- I sure had been thinking about her, so amicable breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup/and-so-on looks like it'll lead to a trip abroad in search of my own elusive heart. Then what?

scarabic: Think of it this way, if you had really good news to share would she be one of the people you first called? Like in the immediate first wave of callers? If so, then I say it's amicable.

Counting up:

1: Hell no.
1.5: Somewhat, but then again, it was a purely pixel relationship and I haven't seen him online since.
2: HELL NO.
3: No, but then almost a year later, before I moved to New York, I ran into him while I was packing things up in Southern California and he apologized for being an ass when we stopped dating. So we parted on good terms.
4: Yes, and this is the only one that has been truly amicable with someone I could really call a boyfriend at the time.
4.5: Yes, and I have the keys to his condo and can stop in (with advance warning) any time I want to. But we had a weird "we're kinda dating, but we can't say we're dating" relationship, so that's why it's a 0.5 relationship.
5: Yes, and then he turned into an ass. So, no.
5.1: Yes, but only because we'd only been seeing each other for a month.
5.5: Somewhat, and then I have my bad days.

Yes, I've broken up with girlfriends like:" you know, we really shouldn't be together", "yeah, you're right", "ok, see you around."
And these were people I'd been with for a few months, at least.

Hugh: Oh heavens to Betsy, you are so in love with this person. The romantic in me really wants you to prioritize that. I don't think I've ever felt so strongly about anyone as you describe feeling about her. Good Lord, man...go to Berlin.

1/3 were amicable and that was my very mature long distance open relationship. It was so amicable that we stayed immediate friends and he flew over from England for mine and mr. g's wedding a couple of years ago. (he and mr. g are great friends now)

Of the other 2, the first stalked me for several months and then ended up in a psych ward after trying to kill himself on what would have been our 4-yr dating anniversary; the second I treated very badly in that old passive-agressive "try to make him break up with me" manner, which didn't work so then I had to dump him after treating him badly for a month or so.

I've had two guys dump me because they "wanted to be friends," and I think they made a good-faith effort to be friendly, but the friendships were so fucked up that I ended up dumping them as friends in break-ups that bothered almost as much as the original romantic break-up. Which finally leads me to believe that inconsiderate boyfriends don't usually make very considerate friends, either.

One break-up I really, really, really thought was going to be reasonably amicable, in that it was hard but fairly mutual, but then it just completely imploded about three weeks later, but I still suspect he was in the midst of some sort of actual psychic meltdown.

A couple short relationships that ended due to geography, and I could probably go get a drink with any of those dudes without there being all that much awkwardness, except that we haven't been in touch in years and years, and I'm rarely in Sydney or Canada or Paris.

In the end, then, that leaves: I'm not in touch with any exes.

No, but for vacuous reasons.

Hugh: In the words of Tim Gunn, you make it work and then you carry on.

AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! THIS IS MY BIGGEST LIFE FEAR!:

...the first stalked me for several months and then ended up in a psych ward after trying to kill himself on what would have been our 4-yr dating anniversary;

AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! YOU MEAN THIS DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK?!:

...the second I treated very badly in that old passive-agressive "try to make him break up with me" manner, which didn't work...

AAAAGH! Seriously, sometimes I'm afraid to date, the endings seem so messed up so often. I'm a neurotic guilt-ridden fool, though.

Who is Tim Gunn?

sometimes I'm afraid to date, the endings seem so messed up so often. I'm a neurotic guilt-ridden fool, though.

I absolutely know what you mean, shane. I too am terrified of the endings.

Seriously, sometimes I'm afraid to date, the endings seem so messed up so often. I'm a neurotic guilt-ridden fool, though.

Amen!

I've always been secretly very excited to end relationships. Even ones I'm happy with. I like change. I like being single. I've never looked to be in a relationship and somehow ended up in a bunch (3 long ones before mr. g and a bunch of shorter 2-3 month ones). As a married person who seriously wants to stay married to the same person, this concerns me somewhat.

The breakup with the last ex wasn't so bad. We were together for almost three years, but when I moved away I realized it just wasn't worth the effort anymore, so we downgraded to friends. Of course, there was some drama, but that was due to what he did during the breakup and it has since been resolved. I can honestly say that at this point, I wish him nothing but the best.

I like being single.

It does have its advantages. I think at this point I am just totally bored with being single. Been there, done that.

So you know, I've gotta take the risk on the tragic ending thing. Which sucks.

I've had one good breakup. And after a while I'm usually at least on good terms with my exes.

I secretly like bad breakups, because then you can really hold a grudge for a good long time and not fall back into your ex's arms.

yeah. I've never done that, TPS. Too proud. It would be like admitting I was wrong, which aint gonna happen, no way no how.

YAY HJ! DO IT DO IT DO IT.

Seriously, it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do. Don't worry about the future - it'll work itself out.


I "amicably" broke up with this guy, until he started sleeping around with this girl THE NEXT DAY. So no. I guess not.

If the breakup goes a certain way... it's possible to go back and not be wrong (because I hate being wrong, too). That's all I have to say.

I answered no, and it's true, but I'd like to add that time really does heal.

The long ago boys that lasted more than a few months and even some that didn't? At this point I'd have no trouble running into them again. In fact, I'm pretty sure we'd find it enjoyable. Even the guy I went after with a baseball bat. Seriously. That's not a joke.

The restraining orders make it hard to stay in touch.

Yes, but not usually. The exes I want to stay friends with don't want to talk to me, and the exes I want to avoid get all stalker-esque on me.

No.

And the thought of going through another one makes me want to projectile vomit. Solitude, with all its problematic aspects, is better.

Though oddly enough it was the longest relationship that was the easiest to let go: by the time my ex-husband moved out, I was so desperate for it to be over that I felt mostly relief. I'm on more or less amiable/or at least wary co-existence terms with all my exes at this point; I just wish some of them had been worth the struggle, because some of them honestly and truly weren't (just because he plays in a band and has dreadlocks and is beautiful doesn't make that pesky drug problem any easier to deal with).

I had a couple of amicable ones, but they were a long time ago. The more recent ones have SUCKED -- like change-your-phone-number-and-email-address suck.

just because he plays in a band and has dreadlocks and is beautiful doesn't make that pesky drug problem any easier to deal with

*jots that down for future reference*

I have only had one break-up worth mentioning in this thread, and it was absolutely amicable. Err, wait. 'Amicable' doesn't mean 'heart-wrenching and featuring a lot of angry emails and then moving and feeling glad that he doesn't know my number,' does it? Uh, not amicable then. Nevermind.

I've only ever had one that wasn't, and that wasn't my fault.

Amicable, maybe. Painless, no.