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MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

07 April 2006

I have some really bad advice for you... →[More:]
Listen carefully, I only have time to say this once, the foot brake in your car is built by stupendous nazis, always use the emergency brake or barring that only go places where you can roll to a stop and arrest your final bits of momentum in a nice thicket!
post by: Divine_Wino at: 08:04 | 65 comments
Wait! Are you wearing leather and have tightly oiled pig tails? I read a Douglas Adams book once where this all worked out to make sense.

Sort of.

(Make sense that is. I totaly read it.)
posted by GeckoDundee 07 April | 08:07
It is customary to offer some bad advice in return...
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:09
Drop that shit outta gear at speed, slam the fuckin' wheel to the left, pop the e-brake, and slide the passenger side of the car into that wall right there. Then open the door and hop out, winking at the camera and tossing your keys over your shoulder onto the hood, for effect.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 08:11
I winked at a camera once, bad idea, military school. You know that expression "Who watches the watchmen?"? Turns out it's the Coastguard.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:16
So you've seen the preview for Fast and Furious 3: tokyo drift then. My bad advice, go see the movie at the theatre!
posted by safetyfork 07 April | 08:17
Always point out to your ladylove when her outfit is less than flattering.
posted by krix 07 April | 08:17
I'm going to give one away for free, the world needs more cologne, especially ones that smell like the corpse of a vulture dissolved in carpet cleaner. I advise you to call it:

Harbormaster!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:19
Car advice: Tires work best when completely bald. If it's good enough for NASCAR, it's good enough for the family SUV.

General advice: There are few problems in this life that cannot be solved with an air rifle.
posted by mullacc 07 April | 08:28
General advice: There are few problems in this life that cannot be solved with an air rifle.

Exactly right, I am heading over to resolve a noise dispute with my neighber right now. Head mounted strobe light? Check! "If you can read this the bitch fell off t-shirt? Check! No pants? Check! Red plastic cowboy boots? Check! Red Ryder BB-Rifle in marshland camo? Double Check! Peaceful consensus, here we come!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:31
rm -rf *
will solve just about any problem a new Unix user is likely to encounter.
posted by danostuporstar 07 April | 08:32
I don't know what a neighber is, but I'll take a couple potshots at it on the way to see my neighbor.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:33
Car advice: Cover your bumper in stickers advertising your radical anarchism; or, failing that, your fondness for jam bands. Cops love that shit.

posted by box 07 April | 08:43
Leftover hands, okra, and corn make a delectable fricassée.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 08:45
Turkey gravy and vanilla pudding go well together.
posted by PinkStainlessTail 07 April | 08:47
Sorry Mate.

*Blushes*

I'm really rather embarased.

I actually know this tradition now that you remind me, but I am, as they say in the land of my bith, drink taken.

Thanks for letting me down gently.

posted by GeckoDundee 07 April | 08:47
Get up and mow your lawn at 6:45 am. Sure, it'll wake your neighbors, but that's a small price to pay for manicured landscaping!

On a related note, may I borrow an air rifle?
posted by jrossi4r 07 April | 08:49
If your boss is wearing a hideous outfit, you should totally snicker and make fun of them.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 07 April | 08:52
Best time is when you are drink taken, it loosens up the advice follicles.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:53
Nobody ever went broke investing in time travel!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 08:55
Why mow your lawn when you can till it?
posted by mullacc 07 April | 08:56
Why till your lawn when you can spray it with kerosene and burn the grass off?

And the same technique can save you hundreds of dollars on Brazilian waxes!
posted by box 07 April | 09:05
Nothing says I love you like a surprise truncheon to the kidney!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:17
Give me some money to help me get my record label off the ground. It's dedicated to bringing back the mini-cassette and the 8-track tape.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 09:23
When the cop leans over and spits "See if you can get up now, motherfucker," in your ear, he might have his hands full, so it's okay to grab his belt to help you stand up.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 09:24
People say that dogs don't like being struck across the nose with your key ring. Those people have never met a rottweiler.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:25
It's fun to be a complete dick in the PMS thread.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 09:26
Come up with some exclusive male-oriented thread meme, call it "TEAM LANGER," and deploy it on this site.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 09:35
Bad Electrician says: Red saves Fred, while Black kills Jack.
posted by Smart Dalek 07 April | 09:37
Come up with some exclusive male-oriented thread meme, call it "TEAM LANGER," and deploy it on this site.

What about "Schvance Club" or "Team Dills"?
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:39
Oooh wait, we could be called "Los Throbbers"!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:40
And we could get a club house and call it
"Flesh Musket Mansions".
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:42
How about "Los Throbos," for the sake of verisimilitude?
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 09:43
I've often thought "Dick Trouble Six" would make a good band name, if you had a frontman who didn't mind being called Dick Trouble.

And two drummers.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 09:45
Whatcha gotta do is this: Whenever questioned, doff a bright red hat and yell loudly in your own defense. Barring that, wave your model samurai sword in the air until everyone leaves you alone. This works well. Probably.
posted by richat 07 April | 09:49
To counter the effects of LSD, I recommend PCP.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 09:54
Dick Trouble and the Almighty Bullybag Mafia.


Nothing eases an elderly person with conjestive heart failure off to a gentle sleep like a lusty shriek in the ear!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 09:57
If you like Barry Manilow, you will absolutely adore Diamanda Galas.
posted by PinkStainlessTail 07 April | 10:22
When interviewing for that accountant position, it's best to be honest and mention right out that you've never been a "number's person".
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 10:22
say it without the apostrophe though. otherwise they'll think you a dullard.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 10:25
If you feel like you have to take a shit really bad but you're in a meeting, relax.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 10:32
Despite what others tell you, feel free to eat that yellow snow.
posted by deadcowdan 07 April | 10:37
It's okay to just go check your email real quick while the oil is heating in the wok... and if you happen to return to a kitchen full of thick black smoke, go ahead and turn on the ventilator hood, because it's not really that likely that the sudden whoosh of oxygen will just ignite the superheated oil into a firey inferno on your stovetop... but if it does, it's perfectly reasonable to just go ahead and put that bad boy out by throwing water on it.
posted by taz 07 April | 10:48
FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 10:52
Ensure baby is in bathtub when throwing bathwater out.

For maximum freshness, keep bleach and all other cleaning liquids in your fridge. In old milk cartons.
posted by seanyboy 07 April | 10:52
Always trade the cow for the magic beans, it is literally impossible to lose out on that deal.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 10:55
FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!


Heh. Next time I'll just throw my Bic into the conflagration; it's not likely to turn out worse than it did last time. Right?
posted by taz 07 April | 10:57
Speaking of bleach: if bleach won't clean it, and ammonia doesn't do the trick, try a mixture of the two.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 11:01
3 words: timeshare cemetary plots.
posted by chewatadistance 07 April | 11:03
Strange discharge? Just wait it out. It's bound to get better. The itching means it's healing.
posted by jrossi4r 07 April | 11:04
If you must get into a war, make sure it's a land war in Asia. Those are a cinch!
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 11:06
White folks - next time you see a group of black guys hanging around, go up to them and shout "What up niggars!?".
They'll laugh, cuz ya know, Dave Chappelle.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 11:07
1% of $100,000,000 is still a million dollars. Get on the plane to Amsterdam immediately and meet with the son of that deposed Nigerian leader.
posted by seanyboy 07 April | 11:08
Don't pick your friends; pick your friends' noses.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 11:09
Scotch is much better for rehydration than water. Add two tablespoons of salt if you are feeling really dizzy.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 11:10
Wooden nickel futures have never looked so good. Play it safe by hedging with three-dollar bill swaptions.
posted by Hugh Janus 07 April | 11:13
If you must get into a war, make sure it's a land war in Asia. Those are a cinch!

Also, if death is on the line, ALWAYS go in against the Sicilian.
posted by jrossi4r 07 April | 11:14
Everybody loves a whiner.
posted by Divine_Wino 07 April | 11:15
If life has taught me one thing, it's that a whiner always gets his way.
posted by Hellbient 07 April | 11:40
Essays and term papers can easily be found on the Internet, and the chances of getting caught are virtually zero.
posted by box 07 April | 12:27
Here's another one for the students: your instructors love it when you try to prove them wrong, especially when it's about something tiny and irrelevant.
posted by box 07 April | 12:31
Ask the cop that just pulled you over where the local donut shops are. Or, better yet, why isn't s/he out busting real criminals?
posted by deborah 07 April | 14:13
Oddly, I once survived over a week driving using only the hand brake when the regular brakes failed and I couldn't afford new ones 'til payday.

But bad advice:

ALWAYS sleep with someone crazier than you, quit before you start jobhunting, keep MetaFilter on your top window at work, make house-sharing deals with vague acquaintances who have unconfirmed income, go with the business major when you have no interest in it because it'll get you a job later, ignore the Oil Pressure light, wait six months between system backups and buy a Korean-made car the first year it's available on the American market. Because these have all worked out so well for me.

And don't get your dog spayed.
posted by wendell 07 April | 14:43
Piss into the wind, it will be fine.
posted by King of Prontopia 07 April | 14:47
If you can't find KY, try Crest!
posted by King of Prontopia 07 April | 14:55
General advice: There are few problems in this life that cannot be solved with an air rifle.
Malcolm solves all his problems with a chainsaw. Malcolm never has the same problem twice. stolen from quonsar

When your loved one seems a bit cranky, ask her if she has PMS.
posted by dg 07 April | 22:30
← Captain Jack? || Comments are now open for last night photo set. →

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