Most important question: Do you still love him?

And I'm not talking about "do you love him as a friend" or "do you hope he doesn't fall into an open manhole."

Do. You. Still. Love. Him.

You know what I mean.

I will read your [MI] in a minute, heatherann.

But in reponse to the pre-MI -- in my experience, NEVER good thing. I may be in the minority, though.

It definitely can be done. I'm friends with all my exes. Just go out for a drink or coffee or something every once in a while, keep it light, don't talk about new relationships or guys you're interested in. Don't talk too much with him about your relationship with him and how/why it ended. There's not much point to that, and it will only make the situation stressful and potentially unpleasant.

Maybe you'll become closer, maybe you'll just be pals that hang out occasionally.

The one caveat: the first time he tells you, or you find out, that he's dating someone new, it will probably feel like a punch in the gut, even if you would never get back together with him.

On preview, ColdChef's right. If you still love him being friends might be torture. At least for a while.

ColdChef: I don't know. How do I know?

If it's, do I want to get back together? No. Is it going to feel like a punch in the gut if he dates someone else, especially before I do? Sure.

I feel the need to clarify that I am using the word "love" in the same way ColdChef is. I love all my friends (including exes), but like ColdChef says, you know what I mean.

I'm friends with almost all my exes. If you have good taste in lovers, going back to friendship won't be particularly difficult. If you don't, well, expect more fighting, though at least the intensity will probably be somewhat less than before.

If you have good taste in lovers, going back to friendship won't be particularly difficult.

Yeah, well, I won't say anymore here. Ahem.

My story in a very, very small nutshell. I was with my former partner for seven years... we actually had been friends since the 5th grade when, in the senior year of HS, we discovered that we had somehow developed strong romantic feelings, yada-yada. So, we had seven (mostly) good years and we split in '99. He went straight into another relationship while I spiralled into post-codependent depression. Yet we made it a very intentional point that, no matter how painful it was, we were going to remain friends, best friends, no matter what. To this day, he is my best friend/soul brother and will be for as long as the ride goes, and beyond. In 2002, he married (a woman) and I was the best man at the wedding. She knew, of course, about he and I and I know it took a little getting used to on her part, but she's like my sister now and I love her as I do him. He and I hang out at least once a week, and sometimes I could use a cue card to remember that he and I used to "do it," buy each other flowers, get into stupid fights and what not. I see him still as my "soulmate," in a way, just not as an intimate partner like his wife but as if we were chiseled from the same chunk of cosmic slop.

Anyway, that's far too long winded and may not be remotely relevant, but I do believe it's totally possible to remain friends after a break-up. Life is far too fucking short to completely throw away the goodness two people once shared... unless, of course, they were a dick.

What a great story, moonbird.

heatherann: You're not going to like this story, but I might as well tell it.

Two Octobers ago, a guy I was seeing long-distance and thought was "the One" moved in with me. I was really happy, really in love, really thought that he'd be the last guy I ever dated or slept with. We'd been seeing each other long-distance for about six months prior to that, and for about six months before that, he worked for me as a freelance writer when I was with a niche magazine. So I knew him pretty well, and he knew me pretty well and so I didn't think too much about asking him to move in with me.

Fast-forward to last August, when we break up because we realize that the relationship wasn't working out. However, due to the fact that we both have jobs that pay less than $30K a year after taxes, we can't afford to live on our own and I really hate the idea of going back to living with strangers, we decide to do something crazy. A mutual friend of ours finds this excellent 2br/1bath/great kitchen/huge living room apartment and she needs to move out of her current space somewhat quickly. We all decide to move in together in a "Three's Company" style of arrangement because after all, my ex and I parted as friends and things were amicable.

I'm sorry, did I say "amicable"? I meant "amicable and then deteriorated very quickly when he decided to bring back his new girlfriend back to the apartment while I was in California dealing with the death and impending wake of a very close friend who I dearly loved." And then he did this, and then because of the parking tickets we both incurred on the car that is in my name, my car got towed and we had to pay about $600 to get it out of the impound yard, and....

(It also doesn't help that he is also a co-worker; yes, jonmc has met him.)

He still wants to be friends. I prefer to keep things friend-ish between us, but I'm never going to be able to think of him as a friend ever again. HOWEVER, had I been able to move to a different neighborhood after we split up, things could be different and I could probably still be his friend.

Did that help? *wry smile*

Let me know how it works out.

Life is far too fucking short to completely throw away the goodness two people once shared... unless, of course, they were a dick.

moonbird: Yeah, I've been thinking along those lines lately. Thanks for your story. Now: how. did you. do that.

Not that I want to do that, really. I'm not thinking "best friends/soulmates," more "friend who doesn't necessarily know my phone number until I'm sure this isn't a horrible idea" and "person whose presence doesn't make it impossible for me to visit my friends and their new baby without making everything horribly awkward and tense, and who might even make it fun."

TrishaLynn, I'm sorry that happened to you. Note to self: do not move in with ex-boyfriend, nor with TrishaLynn's ex-boyfriend. jonmc has met him, BUT: has jonmc kicked him for you? Because he sounds like a boy in dire need of kicking.

jonmc: Of course I'll let you know how it works out, dear. What is the internet for, if not sharing my gossip with strangers?

no, I haven't kicked him. up until all this hit the fan, I actually kinda liked him. But my opinion of him has been sinking fast. I have managed to irritate him, I think.

I've managed to be friends with almost all my exes, the two notable exceptions being the ones I actually married & had kids with. However, in my case I found it took both time and distance - as in, it's been some years and I don't live in the same town with any of them. So when I go back to visit, I can hang out, have a beer, even maybe nostalgically flirt a little, be incredibly nice to the new girlfriends: it's easy. If I still lived in the same town(s)? Not so easy. But no matter what, it takes time, serious time, as in years, not months. I have heard that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to really get over it, and while that seems depressingly and ridiculously long I think there may be some truth to it.

Short answer: Since October is not long enough. You can talk to him in August when you run into him at your friend who's having a baby and see how it works then. I wouldn't go near him for at least 6 months though.

MGL: I heard that theory, too, and it's mostly borne out for me. Except in this case, since I still live with him.

Example: I was just having an awesome girl-talk session with my other female roommate and then he came home. So we talked for a bit longer in my room, and I couldn't even look at him while he talked. I tried to pay attention to him like one would in a civilized conversation, but at one point me and the other female roomie were doing an alcohol exchange (she was taking the rest of the tequila I had in my glass) and both of us were ignoring him while he was trying to tell us an anecdote and he actually said something like, "Hey, I'm talking here." And we both apologized for ignoring him, but I had the feeling that neither of us really were sincere.

My ex-girlfriend is sleeping on the couch as I write this. Breakup, no contact for 6 months, her mother was visiting from China and wanted to meet me, leads to occasional meetings, enjoy the company, now a regular friend, we have fun.

People are wildly different in this regard so I hesitate to offer any advice. I am the kind of person who feels it like a punch in the gut when they start dating someone else, as you say.

It takes a long time to get past that stage with someone if you're the kind to go there in the first place. Perhaps more pragmatic types can move on more expediently, but I suggest you take a nice long break.

Get away from each other. Become friends after a nice, long break. Long enough so that neither of you even knows who got with someone else first, you just both assume that you both have. 3, 6 months. A year, maybe. We're talking about long periods of time.

But all friendships go through long periods of waiting. Haven't you ever had a friend go travelling for 3-6 months? Go away with the Peace Corp for a year? Move away and then come back? Sure you have.

If you can't handle the prospect of giving this guy the same long period of distance, then you aren't thinking of him as a friend yet. Continue getting over the end of your relationship till you're actually done. Then try again.

I can handle the prospect of giving him a period of distance. He emailed me. I think he's just worried about the prospect of running into me somewhere (increasingly likely), and would rather know that when it's going to happen, at least the first time.

I don't know why he's so worried, it's not like I'm going to bite him or something.

Alright, I'm going to worry about graduating first and re-think this in May. Thanks for all the input.

Beware of the unexpected violent surges of jealousy and/or anger that will arise from time to time, even after you believe you are thoroughly over him, even after you're in another blissfully happy relationship. There are a couple people out there that that still happens to me with, and it's been years and years.

i went through a breakup in february (also my first "real" one) and he still wants to be friends. we were and still are in the same, rather closely knit friends-group, most of whom live on the same side of the same apartment complex...it feels very bizarre and very unavoidable and really i'm not sure how to feel either.