POST-MEETUP DRAMA!

Dude, if a quiet man feels wrathful, it is usually justified. Don't sweat it.

You seem like you go out of your way to be accommodating and decent to everyone, Shane, so if you bitched someone out I'll bet they had it coming to them.

TEAM SHANE!

shane, I'm exactly the same way. I'm very low key, unexcitable, and laid back. I rarely lose my temper, and even rarelier do I raise my voice at another person. So, believe me when I say that if someone got you angry enough to go off on them - it was justified. I know the feeling of guilt afterwards, but I think that just comes from being unaccustomed to conflict (as you said).

Honestly, one thing I learned from my marriage is to stand up for myself more often. I am working on making sure that my "laid back" personality doesn't equate to being a doormat or a pushover. Sometimes releasing a little (or a lot) of anger is healthy and therapeutic.

I think it may be (gross generalization here from a fellow only child) the curse of the only to be way too much in our heads. Don't overanalyze; you seem to know that you were justified.

You know what will make you feel better? Where Yat Friday.

*phew*

Thanks. Really.

You just don't know hard I take it when I come down on someone. I really hope she had it coming. It involved both personal and "professional" differences.

At the end all she could say was, "You were really an asshole to me tonight."

But I didn't apologize. I know from experience that if I back down when I feel I'm right, the whole tone from then on in will be me flattened like Wile E. Coyote after being rolled over by a boulder. Set me on your doorstep and wipe your feet!

GOD, I'm just so unused to conflict! It's just normal to most people, isn't it?

Yeah, it is pretty normal to a lot of people.

I'm an only child too and my parents were (and still are) super cool so I never really saw any arguments growing up. It was kind of a shock when I went out with a girl who liked to argue every now and then and I just wouldn't engage. She'd throw some patently stupid argument at me, I'd respond calmly that it was a patently stupid argument and she'd go and lock herself in a room somewhere.

Seriously I don't much like it when people argue on TV. There's a soap opera over here called Eastenders that I just can't watch for many reasons, but one reason is that it's basically a half hour of people arguing, never resolving anything, and holding grudges for several decades. Yuck.

Having said that I've found as I've got older I'm much more inclined to verbally punch the shit of someone who's being a pain. Some people just need to be told. It gets easier over time.

She'd throw some patently stupid argument at me, I'd respond calmly that it was a patently stupid argument and she'd go and lock herself in a room somewhere.

Damn! I've been EXACTLY there. I don't mind a rational argument about a real concern, even with voices raised, but the situation you described... well, the "relationship" I was in didn't make it past the first lame fight, and the person just became more and more nuts when I wouldn't respond to her excuses for a soap-opera rumpus.

LOL! I still feel vaguely like a guilt-wracked piece of shit. Thanks for the votes of confidence though, folks. Funny ol' world, inn't it?

What mike9322 said.

Doesn't sound like you flew off the handle for no reason whatsoever at all. I hated having to come down on people too.

I'm totally the same way. It takes a hell of a lot to make me go off on someone, and when I do, I've usually saved it up for a while so it comes out pretty strong.

Shane you'll be glad you stood up for yourself, and good on you for not apologizing. Mike9322: "rarelier"?!??

chew: hee. I was wondering if anyone was going to call me on that. I like it.

Shane: you're fine. You're entitled to assert yourself when you feel strongly, even if it's uncomfortable. Sounds more like the issues here are the other person's.

Conflict is OK. You don't have to like it, but it's much better to get things out there than to react with forced passivity.

Don't beat yourself up!

Shane you'll be glad you stood up for yourself, and good on you for not apologizing. Mike9322: "rarelier"?!??

I got a chuckle out of rarelier too, LOL.

Thanks chew. I'm still struggling with the guilty urge to apologize and I'm contemplating that there is a pattern of this stuff in my family.

...it's much better to get things out there...

It felt really good to get it out!

Weird fact: One time I was in a bar with this lady, and this really mellow guy (Ben, whom I'd never met) and I had a "moment." He looked at me and said, "I can tell you and she are great together, but it's NOT COOL the way she's treating you." She looked shocked as hell and later I walked over to him and told him he's psychic. I said, "I do that once in a while with people, just CONNECT in some weird empathic way and understand them, but no one has ever done that to me!" He just hugged me and walked out of the bar.

Was that a "WHOA" moment or what?

She'd throw some patently stupid argument at me, I'd respond calmly that it was a patently stupid argument and she'd go and lock herself in a room somewhere.

It's peculiar, you never hear anyone report the opposite experience of this. ("I tried to start a patently stupid argument with him, but he calmly explained to me that it was a patently stupid argument so I went away mad and outfoxed.")

I've never made the connection between being an only child and not being adept at or comfortable with arguments, but I'm starting to think, from this incredibly large sample size here, that it may be true. I never argue with people, it seems like such a waste and, honestly, I just don't know how to really get mad. But I guess, like some here, that's because I never argued with anyone while growing up as an only child. So I definitely sympathize with your situation, shane; and I agree with mike9322 who (I think) said that if you got mad at this person, she really must have had it coming. Good on you.

I don't know if it's necessarily about being an only child. I'm not an only, but I'm also conflict-avoidant. My parents did fight from time to time -- but it scared the hell out of me, and I feared conflict as a result.

But part of becoming an adult, for me, has been learning where it's perfectly OK to draw the line, and recognizing when I'm not being treated as I should. So occasionally, it's time for conflict. Sometimes it can be a calm discussion, but sometimes you need to get the other person's attention and really get through to them how deeply you're feeling about something. Anger is a normal emotion, after all, when it's not excessive.

It's peculiar, you never hear anyone report the opposite experience of this. ("I tried to start a patently stupid argument with him, but he calmly explained to me that it was a patently stupid argument so I went away mad and outfoxed.")

Actually, that happens all the time in our household. I'm a hothead and mr. rossi is mr. cool. In the early days of our marriage, he'd say, "You're just looking for a fight, hon. I'm not giving you one." Used to piss me off. Now, he doesn't have to say it. He just gives me the raised eyebrow and I check myself. If I know I'm just being bratty, I walk away until I cool off. Sometimes I'll even stop myself mid-rant and say, "Damn. I'm being a bitch. Sorry."

But it sounds like you have to be pushed pretty far to snap, shane. So please don't beat yourself up about it. It's totally OK to put someone in their place when necessary.

It's peculiar, you never hear anyone report the opposite experience of this.

Hahaha. Well I know what you're saying and I guess you'll just have to take this on trust. I wish I could remember specific things she said, but it was pretty dumb stuff that no-one in their right mind would care about. Let me put it this way, if there was even a sliver of truth or offence to be taken to what she was saying then I'd probably have remembered being at least sulky about the whole thing, but I just remember being baffled.

If she was going to say anything about me it might be that she thought I was a bit of a cold fish - and there's probably some truth in that.

Not an only, but definitely a conflict-avoider - and I learned that behavior from my parent. My best friend who I was roommates with for 8 years is also a conflict-avoider. I learned a lot from that experience about how to work things out when they are necessary, instead of just doormatting. He's been living with his (also conflict-avoidant) sweetie for over 2 years now and they're getting married. I told him they shouldn't get married until they've had their first fight, but it could be that they've also just found their own way to work things out.

Shane, you did fine. Nothing to apologize for.

Being a conflict-avoider doesn't necessarily mean you were an only child in a quiet home. Similar to dodgygeezer - I cannot stand raised voices even on tv. My stomach knots up, I get really tense and upset. I have four brothers and we had chaotic, loud, not-very-good childhoods. Books and a corner far from the mayhem were my escape.