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01 March 2006
I tried calling, but all I got was voicemail. I loved your outgoing message. What did it say again?
My father's message has always said: "you have reached Mr. Carpet at 555 1234 and your message is being answered electronically." The funny part is that the instructions that came with his machine told him to leave that message, and he dutifully followed them.
So now I use that message, and it gets a lot of laughs.
Mine is boring because I am looking for work. LLAIAGFFA, I had Captain Beefheart saying "it's viscous. Viscous and slick. Like a squid in a plastic bag" or something like that, which annoyed my mother but did seem to stave off bill collectors.
I hate saying "Hi, you've reached [Miko]" on my message. It bothers my sense of literalism. You haven't reached me! You've reached my voice mail.
The idea of an outgoing message seems belabored these days. We all know what to do -- no need to give instructions any more. So I make mine as quick as possible. It's a chirpy, "Hi, this is [Miko]. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message!"
I keep it simple too, mainly because my mom drones on and on in both outgoing and incoming messages and it drives me nuts. So I strive to do the opposite. I believe mine is "Hi, this is Mike. Please leave a message." My work VM is a bit wordier: "Hi, this is Mike with [Company]. Please leave me a message."
In college, my outgoing was "Hi. *beep*" So many confused callers - most voice mails I received had 3-4 seconds of silence at the beginning while people realized that was really all I was going to say.
I also had one for a while that said, If you wish me to return your call, please leave your message in the form of a haiku or a zen aphorism. That was kind of amusing. Briefly.
Mine says "Hi, you've reached [Capn] at 555-5555, please leave a message and I'll get back to you, and if this is a telemarketer, I want you to really think about that headset you're wearing... they don't sterilize those things between employees you know".
For a while in college, I used the voiceprint identification woman from 2001: "Welcome to Voiceprint Identification. When you see the red light go on, would you please state in the following order: your destination, your nationality, and your full name; surname first, Christian name and initial."
Mine is a very boring, "Hello, you've reached mr. rossi and rossi, etc." I've gotten chastised by my family for not including the kid's name, but that feels weird to me. Like the thank you notes that people write as if they are actually from a baby. I figure I don't need to add her until she's old enough to get phone calls.
"Hi, you've reached [Specklet]. If this in regards to work, please be advised that effective immediately, I am no longer employed by [former place of employment]. You may contact [former manager] at [former manager's number]. Otherwise, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
All the nonsense about work is because my phone was given to me by the company, and was not only my personal phone but my work phone. I'm still not paying for it because one of my managers was disgruntled enough about me getting laid off that he just hasn't bothered to collect the phone and change me to a paying account.
I've been meaning to change the message to something more personal, though, because I haven't gotten any work-related calls for a couple weeks. But it can't be too wacky because I manage the building I live in, and get phone calls from the property managers and tenants and such. Sigh.
For a while in college, my roommate and I put all sorts of bizarre stuff on our answering machine -- primarily phone-related music. Once we put a message from Gordon Gano explaining that he couldn't make band practice because he was locked inside his parents' house (found on their greatest hits CD from '93). It confused the hell out of people.
Once we put a message from Gordon Gano explaining that he couldn't make band practice because he was locked inside his parents' house (found on their greatest hits CD from '93).
I frickin' love that message! Sometimes I'll take out that album just to listen to it, I swear!
"Hi. You've reached [my number]. Please state your name at the beep, as I'm probably monitoring my calls right now. If I don't pick up, it's because I don't want to talk with you. Don't bother to leave a message. If you're a telemarketer, please hang up, take the gun out of your backpack, and shoot everyone in the room. Mom, if it's you: yes, I know; yes, I will; sorry to hear that; no, I don't remember her; no, I don't remember him, either; sorry, I have to work that day. For everyone else, here's a recording of sciurus having an exceptional orgasm for your listening pleasure."
This one belonged to a guy I'll call Joe, because I can't remember his actual name. There were party sounds in the background - music, laughing, noisemakers, champagne corks.
"You're looking for Joe? Let's see if I can find him. Joe? Joe? Anybody seen Joe?"
(other voices)"Joe?" "Nope." "He's not here, dude."
"Sorry, Joe's not here. You want me to leave him a message?" BEEP
Mine says "This is BT Call Minder, thank you for calling. The person you blah blah blah blah blah blah". So yeah, it's still on the default from the phone company and I prefer it that way.
At work today I got a voicemail from a guy at a tech support company. He babbled on at great length (and inaccurately) for about five minutes. I didn't even know it was possible to leave a message that long. Of course the voicemail system at work is so very bad that you can't delete a message until you've listened to the end (don't buy an Alcatel phone system, they really are cheap and nasty).
I think I'm ashamed of my message now because it's so bland. "Hi, this is [NUMBER], I'm not able to come to the phone right now, etc., have a good day..."
I was told never to use my name in a message, so I go with numbers. Besides, I have a friend who answers her phone and starts her message "Hey, this is [NAME]" and it always confused me when I started to talk to her and realized I was talking to the machine.
Until I start using my cell phone for business again, maybe I'll put up a whimsical one.
I was sick of getting phone calls for the chiropodist whose number is almost identical to mine.
This is why my outgoing cellphone message is, "Hi. You've reached jrossi. If you are looking for someone who is either male, southern or Vietnamese, you have misdialed."
I still don't know if the southern guy ever found out that the meeting with the Bausch and Lomb people was cancelled. Hope he didn't fly out there for nothing!
I have a friend named Ed. I've long pondered making him a message consisting of a clip of Edward from Cowboy Bebop saying "Edward is very busy right now!"
Mine's the default computerized voice that came with the answering machine. I had to change my number a couple years ago because I had three -- count 'em, three! -- non-collection telephone stalkers. Real people, that is. Now I use the computer voice in case any of them manage to get ahold of my unlisted number somehow.
(Mom, please stop giving out my number. How many times to I have to say it?)
"Hi, you've reached the Clarkes at 604-555-5555. Please leave a message after the tone. Thank you."
It used to say, "Hi, you've reached the Clarkes at 604-555-5555. We're screening our calls. Start talking and we'll pick up if we want to talk to you. If we don't pick up, please leave a message and we'll get back to you. Or not."
The mister didn't like it (although it's true!) because he was looking for work and made me change it. I think I'll change it back now.
"Hi! You've reached the confidential voicemail of J*y J*sl*n with *pp*l*ch**n C**ns*l*ng and M**nt**n M**n C*ns*lt*ng. My office hours are 8am to 5pm, Monday through Friday. I will return your call as soon as I can, and no matter where you are on life's journey, enjoy the ride. Take care."
I now use my cell for my primary office phone, which will be interesting.
Mine's straightforward right now, as I sometimes work from home. Before that it was "Hi, you've reached 555-5555. The world's going to hell in a handcart, and I'm out taking pictures."
We used to have a recording of part of Pink Floyd's "Is there anybody out there" as our message, which we spent hours cueing and re-cueing the CD to get just right, but got lots of messages along the lines of "what the fuck ...?", so went with a gruff "not here, leave message".
My mobile phone doesn't have voice mail, but uses surepage, so people get some Optus call centre employee saying 'Good morning, (pause while they read my name from the screen) [name]'s paging service, your message please" which is incredibly boring, but saves me having to listen to stupid confused voice mail messages.
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