MetaChat - Most hated cubicle farm cliches? [MI]

I'm guilty of them sometimes but I hate them.

"I'll shoot you over an e-mail."

No you won't, you dumb euphemistic macho &%&#! You're not $%^!damn Clint Eastwood in the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, you're just a poor pitiful little cog in the corporate machine. You'll just send an e-mail like everyone else. It's not being fired out of gun and it ain't gonna make my day, punk.

Similarly, if I hear the word "proactive" one more time I'm gonna hurl. Right on the suit who says it.

posted by shane 17 February | 11:54

It used to be "rockstar". Like she/he is a "rockstar" candidate.

Then that recruiter left and was replaced by one who referred to everyone as "cute" or "super cute".

Then I moved and got an office. Now I just work with a girl who uses the word "literally" all the time when she isn't being literal. AND says "I could care less" when she means she couldn't.

Then their is the other woman who says "irregardless" and then always "me and _______".

I should think of these things when I pay my student loans each month.

*sigh*

posted by Lola_G 17 February | 11:58

OH FUCK ME "IRREGARDLESS"!!!

$%!&*&%$#!

I used to CRINGE every damn time the MBA in the cubicle next to me said that.

THAt job is history ;-)

posted by shane 17 February | 12:02

Hell, yesterday we attemded a company-wide meeting where the big kahunas used terms like 'marcomm' with a straight face. They also kept talking about 'eating bears' and 'killing' and 'squashing' our competition. Apparently we've been taken over by some hybrid of Bill Gates and Ted Nugent.

posted by jonmc 17 February | 12:04

I don't know if this counts, but in reference to my unwillingness to sign off on something that could potentially cause a problem until I made sure it wouldn't (thus taking responsibility for it) I was just derisively called "Mr. Mary Poppins."

posted by Hugh Janus 17 February | 12:07

Apparently we've been taken over by some hybrid of Bill Gates and Ted Nugent.

LOL. I want to see Ted bowhunted. Bu deer who have evolved to stand upright. Or by anybody, hell, who cares.

posted by shane 17 February | 12:08

I actually kind of like Ted, but all the squashing and killing talk was a weird mix with all the exec-speak.

posted by jonmc 17 February | 12:10

Most people around here talk in real words, but I'm still fighting a rampant creep of "beg the question" abuse.

posted by matildaben 17 February | 12:12

I have a co-worker who uses the word 'myself' when he means 'me'. Example: "make sure you address your letter to myself".

He also describes everything as "very, very [adjective]".

posted by essexjan 17 February | 12:16

How about constant abuse of "move forward"?

"We'll straighten out the graphics, resubmit to the customer and move forward"

"What can we do? We just have to move forward."

"Move forward, buddy!"

The least they could do is spout more appropriate shite like "best practices" and "shoulder tapping" and "Kaizen" and "We need a flexible approach," but that gets pretty damn old and dated too.

Hell wi' dis Dilbert mad-libs!

posted by shane 17 February | 12:18

Fairly normal speak around here, too, because we don't really sell anything or compete with anyone. Dang, my job does sound mysterious doesn't it? That's cause it's to do with the GOV'MNT. Shhh.

The thing that bugs me most is the existence of the "Employee Club." Don't want to be part of a club that would have me as a member, etc. They are responsible for hideous things like the company picnic, etc.

There also seems to be an industry wide standard that starting as many written sentences with "However" makes your writing sound elevated. That grates.

posted by rainbaby 17 February | 12:22

I used to get into violent arguments with a coworker about the validity of "proactive." She insisted it was the opposite of "reactive." I thought just plain "active" did the job just fine.

posted by jrossi4r 17 February | 12:25

Trying to list all the cubicle cliches is like "trying to nail jello to a try." I'd like to increase "mindshare" but I have to take a "bio-break" now.

posted by mullacc 17 February | 12:31

whoops - "trying to nail jello to a TREE"

posted by mullacc 17 February | 12:31

Then there is the old "it is what it is".

We got the old "best practices" crap here too.

The sales guys are constantly told to create "hit lists"...I'm glad I don't do that.

I have an interview on Monday though.

posted by Lola_G 17 February | 12:42

"Perception is reality."

No, it isn't, and if you think it is, I will no longer trust you.

posted by Hugh Janus 17 February | 12:44

"What's the clinical relevence of that?"

Clinical relevence? Shit, this is just a cool observation. Shut up shut up shut up!

That and "it has to go through committee." I wouldn't mind it so much except that it takes a fucking month for them to get around to it, but then reschedule the meeting because some bigwig is "in Fiji for a conference." Fucking committees.

posted by porpoise 17 February | 12:50

heh, I feel you there porpoise. "clinical relevance". bah.

We speak fairly normally around here (albeit with poor grammar, if your name is gaspode). I have had to correct 3 different people on their use of "penultimate" though.

posted by gaspode 17 February | 12:59

Whenever I'm in a real, physical meeting, and someone says "let's take this offline", I die a little more inside. I survived the E-bullshit-conomy speak with it's clicks-and-mortars and it's scalable vertical horizionally focused platform bases and it's skunkworks eyeball metrics and now I have to hear that?! Oh fuck that shit.

Argh, and war/sports metaphors. I hate businesspeak war/sports metaphors.

No, asshole, you are not engaging in trench warfare against the enemy, about to carpetbomb The Enemy with a shot across the bow so that we can move the goal posts and send out our team to high five and destroy them with guerrilla warfare before we win the hole in one touchdown. You work at a fucking desk in fucking UTAH.

posted by cmonkey 17 February | 13:14

"proactive? paradigm? Aren't those just words stupid people use to make themselves appear smart?"

"I'm fired, aren't I?"

posted by drjimmy11 17 February | 13:29

OK, someone farted in the copy room. That is not cool.

posted by matildaben 17 February | 13:31

I actually really like the phrase "it is what it is," because if that phrase works it means I don't have to do anymore work on "it."

posted by mullacc 17 February | 13:31

The tech manager just sent this email out to the whole tech department:

If you are cooking any foods that can be described with the following adjectives, please prepare them in the cafeteria microwave rather than the 1st floor copy room:

aromatic, balmy, dank, effluvious, fetid, flavorsome, flowery, foul, fragrant, heady, honeyed, loud, odorous, mephitic, miasmic, moldy, musty, nauseous, odoriferous, offensive, olfactive, olfactory, perfumatory, perfumed, perfumy, pewy, pungent, putrid, redolent, reeking, rotten, savorous, savory, scent-laden, scented, scentful, skunky, smelly, spicy, stagnant, stale, stinking, stinko, stinky, strong, sweet, sweet-scented, sweet-smelling, unsavory, whiffy

So maybe it was not a fart.

I wonder if he will get called out for being insensitive to our employees who happen to be immigrants who enjoy olfactory food.

posted by matildaben 17 February | 13:45

What is farted in the copy room a bizmetaphor for?

We have some jargon mirgration from web business. The expression "email blast" makes me angry. My boss says "oh was that on your radar screen?" and I hate it. Last week I said "It seemed to be radar opaque, something to do with polymers and reflective angles probably." He didn't get it.

posted by Divine_Wino 17 February | 13:52

"impact" is the NewSpeak bizspeak that makes me cringe every time I hear it.

It's a noun and a noun only. If you want a verb, affect or effect are simple, direct and don't make you sound like a corporate mouthpiece. I know this one's a lost cause, but still it puts my teeth on edge every time I hear it. It's just laziness. Knowing when to use affect and when effect is right is a sign of someone who really knows how to communicate well.

But the worst cube-farm offence? People who shout on the phone. For hours without end. Inside voice people, you need to use your inside voice. I don't' need to hear about your inmate personal problems at full volume. Why are you talking about that shit during work hours anyway?

posted by bonehead 17 February | 13:58

My coworkers use cubespeak EXCLUSIVELY and it drives me MAD. I am not a language Nazi, but.... oh hell, I am a language Nazi.

posted by rebirtha 17 February | 14:39

Why don't you start a six sigma project to eliminate cube speak?

posted by knave 17 February | 15:28

Where I work it would have to be a lean six sigma project. Which ironically has evolved into a very heavyweight methodology.

posted by tommasz 17 February | 16:18

People around here are always suggesting we "touch base" when they want to talk to me. OMG I hate metaphors in casual conversation. THere's also much talk of trains leaving stations, it being difficult to stop them, various parties "driving the bus". For fuck's sake...

posted by pieisexactlythree 17 February | 16:23

Re: the "taking things offline" in a meeting-- around here people have been known to say "let's backchannel that", which makes me snicker in a Beavis and Butthead kind of way.

I work with a bunch of hella computer scientists who like to use algorithms for predicting meeting dates, and so on. I'm all about narrative, they're all about numbers. It's interesting.

posted by jokeefe 17 February | 16:30

I've always been a bit of a mimic, picking up accents or common modes of speech without really noticing it's happening. Sometimes I'll catch myself saying something I don't like (I really despise "is is") and force myself to stop it. I work in the tech business and I say "offline", "touch base", and "on the radar/on my plate" all the time (and I actually don't think those are that bad). It's just like a fish swimming in water. Fortunately I don't say the things you've referred to that I perceive as much more egregious.

posted by matildaben 17 February | 16:41

I really despise "is is"

God, yes. I used to sit next to a woman who said that all the time. Some days by 11am I was ready to kill her.

posted by essexjan 17 February | 17:50

I really despise "is is"

Huh? Could you use that in a sentence? This is one I haven't heard.

posted by pieisexactlythree 17 February | 19:03

pieisexactlythree: "What it is, is, a broken photocopier."

posted by interrobang 17 February | 19:05

Yeah, except they don't even put the commas in.

"The problem is is that the copier is broken."

posted by matildaben 17 February | 19:09

If you are cooking any foods that can be described with the following adjectives, please prepare them in the cafeteria microwave rather than the 1st floor copy room:

aromatic, balmy, dank, effluvious, fetid, flavorsome, flowery, foul, fragrant, heady, honeyed, loud, odorous, mephitic, miasmic, moldy, musty, nauseous, odoriferous, offensive, olfactive, olfactory, perfumatory, perfumed, perfumy, pewy, pungent, putrid, redolent, reeking, rotten, savorous, savory, scent-laden, scented, scentful, skunky, smelly, spicy, stagnant, stale, stinking, stinko, stinky, strong, sweet, sweet-scented, sweet-smelling, unsavory, whiffy

So basically plain water for tea is the only thing allowed to be heated in the copy room?

posted by Mitheral 17 February | 20:06

17 February 2006