If you bring a sexual partner home tonight they may be so repulsed by the state of your living space that they will not engage in sexual activities with you. So get moving!

Your parents are coming to visit soon. They will cut you off if they find out your monthly check has been going to drugs, porn, and pizza instead of a housekeeper, cleaning supplies, and fresh scents.

Super's showing up tommorow with the Board of Health, the residents' action commitee, and a news crew from one of the local stations. I just called them.

All the cute girls from Metachat have agreed to have a party at your house tonight and there are rumors that the Minister of No Pants might show up!

I recall Quentin Crisp saying that after five years the dust doesn't get any worse. So leave it and crack open a beer instead.

Well, I got out the vacuum. But now I'm back at the computer. I haven't even unpacked my bag from my Vegas trip, from which I arrived home on January 24.

Okay, I'm going. Right now. Yep. Cleaning. Maybe threats are what I need. Someone tell me I'm not allowed to eat dinner until I clean.

Start with the appropriate music. The Blues Brothers soundtrack often does it for me.

nah, eat first then clean : >

PROGRESS! I've vacuumed and cleaned my daughter's room (I usually make her tidy up, but I hardly require her to perform a full-scale cleaning at 4 years old). I even made her bed and lined up her legion of stuffed bears and bunnies (OMG!) all nice-like.

It's humbling cleaning out your vacuum filter, then vacuuming your 1500 sq. ft. apartment, and having to empty the filter again. (Vacuum is such a fun word. Vacuum vacuum vacuum!)

On to the bathrooms.

(I'm hungry.)

No girl makes out with a boy who has a filthy home!

Thank goodness boys are not so picky.

Clean! You can come over for the making out now, TPS.

It was tangerine's suggestion that pushed me over the top. It made me realize "hey I have an ipod now". I stuck that baby in my pocket and jammed away.

All the promises of sex and no-pants partying with the mechettes helped too, I swear.

http://www.flylady.net

I thought having a four year old automatically exempted us from cleaning? That's what I tell people.

2 words: Dust. Mites.

2 more words ... if you're particularly lax in this area: Bed. Bugs.

You seem to be doing well! So this is not so much a pep-talk as strategy for the next time.

It is always daunting to do the whole thing at once but here is my bi- or tri-monthly approach to the massive amounts of spills, stains, dirt, dust, detritus and unexpected/forgotten/denied awful crap that piles up in my place. caveat: I do not own any kids

1) I deal with the whole horror over two days (see you're "I'm hungry" comment above and read on...):

1a) When sweeping/dusting/wiping work top-down, e.g. there is no point in sweeping the kitchen floor -- as tempting as that action might be -- until the dust/bagel seeds/forgotten treasures are off the fridge-top and the stove-top has been napalmed and sanitized. You'd think that would be common sense but I have wasted time in every room by igonring this first principle. Gravity is your higher power.

1b) I listen to Madonna's Immaculate Collection on a loop. When cleaning intensely I find that it gets better and better. The song "Cherish" can defeat most mundane stains and almost in real time. For harder work I call up Led Zeppelin's "Dazed And Confused" or the long live version of "Heartbreaker" and I go to work. BTW, the musical suggestions apply to any time in the cleaning process.

2) On Day One I clean the "public spaces" (see above comments re. visitors): everything that is visible to a visitor who isn't wearing white gloves and looking for trouble. This is an easy, if intense, warm-up as it usually just involves sweeping/vacuuming, garbage bags and surface cleaning/scrubbing and not too much effort. I am always prepared for the unexpected, tenacious dirt that I denied when I created it (huge and unsightly but I haven't seen it since the the time I created it, kinda like white dirt, if you will -- there should be a Wikipedia entry..).

3) I always start with the bathroom and the inside of the refrigerator first. It can only get better from there.

4) End of Day One I order take out and marvel at how awesome the place looks to the eye and make a plan about how to tackle the real, the evil dirt that lurks below the surface.

5) On Day Two I get out the heavy artillery: caustic cleaners and rubber gloves as needed. This is a military mission. I get inside the cupboards and into the cracks! And I HATE fucking dust. Oh yes, this is the worst. It usually takes me most of the day. DUST is evil. This is the nitty gritty and finding the bitty gritty in the spaces. I tell myself that I won't have to do this for six months and I am right. But if you leave the cracks too long stuff starts growing...

6) I reward myself handsomely: I get hammered and celebrate the environment.

But I am single and childless. YMMV.