MetaChat - Important advice for future generations:

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21 October 2005

Important advice for future generations: 1. The titles of all the best Paul Newman movies start with H. 2. George Jones albums: buy the ones which feature a cover photo of him with a crew cut; avoid the ones which do not. What advice do you have for our children's children?

post by: dobbs at: 01:50 | 50 comments

Urine is sterile.

posted by trondant 21 October | 01:55

Even if you and your friends find it hilarious the cop will not.
Never ask, “Do you want the seniors discount?”
Unless she has told you she is pregnant never ask, “When is the baby due?”
After more than two drinks you are half as skilled at telling a joke as you think you are. It only goes downhill from there.
Never call out his/her name during sex. If you make a mistake you will pay. And pay. And pay…
When talking to a cop NEVER start a sentence with “DO YOU KNOW…?”
You really are not THAT great a driver.
If you have been drinking and need to take your shirt off to do it right then you should not do it at all.
What to get laid? Talk to people then shut-up and listen to them.
The folks you love will die too soon so don’t take them for granted.
If it’s on fire drop it and stomp it. DO NOT throw it up in the air.
Closing time is not lets date time.
Carry condoms and use them.

and yes "Urine is sterile" unless it's been in the carpet a few days.

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 02:33

Oh, and I call bullshit on “the best Paul Newman movies start with H”. I mean no Cool Hand and The Verdict?

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 02:37

Hud. Hombre. Hustler. Luke and Verdict are very good but those 3 are great. Harper and Hudsucker are pretty cool, too.

posted by dobbs 21 October | 02:42

from: Everything I really needed to know, i learnt from Spy novels
Always watch your back
Scan the crowd
Never draw attention to yourself
Always have a plan B

posted by dhruva 21 October | 02:44

I stand by Cool Hand and will put Verdict ahead of Hudsucker (even though I love the Coens).

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 02:49

There is only death and sex and art, and they kinda all go well together.

posted by interrobang 21 October | 02:51

I'm afraid the "All The Best Movies Feature Eggs" rule overrides the "Newman Movies with an 'H'" rule, and thus Cool Hand Luke would have to go to the top of list. Eggs before "h".

posted by taz 21 October | 02:58

Tosses taz a hard boiled egg and a kiss.

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 03:02

Um, no. That would put Solarbabies ahead of just about every movie. You guys have not seen Hud or Hombre, have you? Admit it.

Now, taz, do you have any advice for my children's children?

posted by dobbs 21 October | 03:06

Don't listen to your grandparents.

posted by nomis 21 October | 03:10

I love Hud but it always falls short cause I read the book first.

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 03:10

Don't believe anything you hear about the Beatles. They totally suck.

And cilantro does, too.

posted by interrobang 21 October | 03:11

hey, i've actually seen Paul Newman in person, when he was filming in the house next door to me in New Orleans, and he told me that Cool Hand was better than the H movies.

Well, actually he didn't say anything at all, but he waved at me several times in a very friendly manner that suggested that Cool Hand was better.

Advice? Advice? Hmmmmm. I would say politics is like food; you're gonna want to take a sniff or two first before swallowing anything. Also, sorry about that whole environment thing, 'kay?

posted by taz 21 October | 03:14

"Solarbabies". So I looked it up on IMDB and all I can say is HUH?

Oh, and yes to the Beatles thing.

posted by arse_hat 21 October | 03:15

I'll take taz' No and arse_hat's Half-No as a victory and consider the Newman Issue put to rest. On with the topic!

On preview, taz, Solarbabies ... The kids (in the future) find an egg thingy named Bodai who saves them from the evil gov't. If I remember correctly the egg is telepathic and telekinetic. It's a science fiction rollerblading extravaganza featuring Jami Gertz, Jason Patric, Lukas Haas, Charles Durning, Alexie Sayle, James Le Gros... from the director of To Be or Not to Be and the writer of The Wild Bunch. You can't make this shit up.

I saw it in the theatre.

posted by dobbs 21 October | 03:24

The movie "Dark Star" contains important things. And, funny things.

posted by interrobang 21 October | 03:28

Don't Panic
Oh, and also, sorry about that whole environment thing, but you aren't missing that much, after all. Trees are overrated.

posted by dg 21 October | 03:43

In TV shows, the main characters never die. Unless you're watching old reruns of Spooks (MI-5 in the US). Then the main characters die all the time.
* sorta feeling pissed at last nights episode *

posted by seanyboy 21 October | 03:43

No known human pathogen can survive the process of fermentation.

posted by cali 21 October | 04:33

Storytime: I went to see the movie Happy Together with a friend, it's a great but very sad film about a gay couple from Hong Kong who are stuck in Buenos Aires with no money. The first scene is of the two of them having sex. As we left the theater I asked her what she thought of the movie and she said, "you know it's gonna be a good movie when it starts with H." She was not referring to the title.

posted by cali 21 October | 04:37

There is only death and sex and art, and they kinda all go well together

That is excellent, interrobang.

posted by rainbaby 21 October | 08:17

If you're a scantily-clad and probably promiscuous teenager girl who is currently alone in a cabin in the woods and you hear a strange sound in the front yard, do not go outside to investigate.

posted by iconomy 21 October | 08:41

Unless you can hear 70's boogie music.
Then, definitely go outside to investigate.

Wakka, Wakkka, Wakka.

posted by seanyboy 21 October | 09:05

Despite what the bible may say, the Jesus Lizard was a music band.

posted by safetyfork 21 October | 09:12

Drop it like it's hot.

posted by tr33hggr 21 October | 09:14

Oooh, despite what the bible may say, Christ on a Crutch was a music band.

posted by tr33hggr 21 October | 09:14

If your going to fall, fall forward, and keep your mouth shut. (Protects the brain and the teeth).

posted by rainbaby 21 October | 09:31

≡ Click to see image ≡

Also, the kids of today should defend themselves against the seventies. It's not reality; just someone else's sentimentality.

posted by Eideteker 21 October | 09:45

I'll just pass along my grandma's advice: Life is pain, now get off the fucking couch with your dirty feet.

Cool Hand Luke breaks the rule, I'm sorry. I will eat 50 eggs to prove it, cold drinks all around, Divine_Wino Lucas War Hero.

posted by Divine_Wino 21 October | 10:12

Nobody can eat fifty eggs.

posted by rainbaby 21 October | 10:23

I can eat fifty eggs in an hour.

posted by Divine_Wino 21 October | 10:25

What's the over/under? I'm calling my bookie.

posted by rainbaby 21 October | 10:31

That one thing? We didn't know how what a bad idea it was at the time.

posted by box 21 October | 10:31

I can eat fifty eggs in an hour and then dig and refill a hole like 20 times, I will never get my mind right, so let's say that in a parimutual wagering system that I am going off at about 8 to 1, but I assure you it is a mortal lock.

posted by Divine_Wino 21 October | 10:35

Hell I'll never get my mind right either, so I'll bet the rent money on you.

CHL does break the H rule, clearly. What a great film.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta call Tony The Thumb, and go wash a car.

posted by rainbaby 21 October | 10:41

~~how~~

Also, proofread.

posted by box 21 October | 11:00

Tonnage has the right of way.

posted by Hugh Janus 21 October | 11:03

Here are the three things I am constantly telling my daughter (I'm guessing I will tell my grandchildren the same thing):

Religion is a crutch for the weak and helpless. The powerful use it only as a tool to consolidate more power.

Be careful what message you are sending with your clothes; if you are not ready for sex, don't wear sexy clothes.

Other people have feelings. Even fat, ugly, mean people. Really. I mean it.

posted by Secret Life of Gravy 21 October | 11:14

Love is the answer

posted by matteo 21 October | 11:51

and dobbs: Drowning Pool (Gordon Willis!!!), Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

posted by matteo 21 October | 11:53

Dudes, I ain't sayin' there are no good Paul Newman movies that start with A - G or I - Z. I just think you can't go wrong with the H ones -- they rock. Listing individual titles for a grandwiggin is too confusing. "Look for the H!" is solid, simple advice.

posted by dobbs 21 October | 12:24

Harry and Son!

*hugs dobbs*

posted by matteo 21 October | 12:52

Homebody Up There Likes Me, the Hting, and Hutch Cassidy and the Sundance kid were all pretty good, too.

posted by Hugh Janus 21 October | 14:00

-A little dirt's not going to kill you.
-Flossing is non-negotiable.
-If you can't discuss bith control with me, you're not ready for sex.
-Don't lie. Ever. Except to tell an old lady that you like her ugly hat.
-When you notice that you've made a mistake, tell whomever needs to know immediately.
-Always sign your notes thank you. Even if you've just ripped someone a new one, say thank you.

posted by Specklet 21 October | 14:48

Specklet,
I didn't take your advice, this was a mistake. Sorry.
Thank you.

posted by Divine_Wino 21 October | 14:51

I can eat fiddy aigs.

posted by mudpuppie 21 October | 15:08

George Jones albums: buy the ones which feature a cover photo of him with a crew cut; avoid the ones which do not.

Wouldn't this mean future generations would be missing out some classic Possum tracks like "She Thinks I Still Care" and "He Stopped Loving Her Today?" That doesn't seem right.

posted by keswick 21 October | 15:15

*gives D_W a gold star and a kiss*

posted by Specklet 21 October | 15:23

Hey, you should play Cyndie Lauper songs really loud and dance around your house naked. ...

posted by amberglow 21 October | 20:00

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