Why is there an elephant in Alaska to begin with? Zoos are depressing. So is Seasonal Affectivity Disorder (well, for humans) but I'd wager the elephant is just pining for some real sunlight and an open savannah to trundle across.

There's a long history of elephants faring badly in captivity. Even the ones I've seen in large enclosures in warm, sunny climates seemed to be really sad and frustrated.

I could see myself biking, skateboarding or even roller blading on that treadmill, though.

Heck, they should build a really big one and hold a marathon on it. Spectators could surround it in grandstands, leisurely sipping cold drinks. And when the runners dropped out of the race, they would really drop out.

The American Zoo and Aquarium Association in Washington, D.C., an accrediting organization, recommends that female elephants be kept in groups of three or more. The AZA recommended Maggie be moved but the zoo's board of directors decided to keep her as long as improvements were made for her care. I really don't like these two sentences and they make me dislike the board of directors intensely. She's lonely, so they put her on a diet. Great. Who do they work for, Vogue? If they must keep her, what about investing the money they spent on the treadmill on a couple more elephants so she won't be alone?