How do you keep a blind dog off the furniture?

let him lick the nasty oozing sore on your leg where you scratched poison ivy until it bled.

1. No, absolutely not. This would allow the dog's DNA to mix with your DNA, and you could end up with, at best, a furry patch on your leg, prone to fleas, or at worst, hideous dog/human hybrid babies.

2. It is the sun, on vacation.

3. This is how the Illumaniti send secret messages to each other. By the way, *never* order a number 2, a number 3, a number 5 and a coke, unless you want something *very* surprising delivered to your door.

4. Panthers. Dog won't make that mistake twice

5. Are you willing to kill a person and assume their identity? If so, then not at all hard.

I think that Capn has nailed it.

I agree that the Capn has nailed it. BUT! AskMe might give you some alternatives regarding #5.

1. Yes. As long as the dog wears a tongue condom. Just don't let him kiss you.

2. Big birds left nut.

3. It's part of an elaborate college prank gone horribly awry.

4. Write a "stay off the couch" sign in Braille.

5. It's very easy, provided you've already taught second grade and forgot to mention it.

Capn, I think I love you.

*hand claps*

re #3: I was recently at a case conference where someone presented a schizophrenic patient who has a safety deposit box where he collects Chinese take-out menus and any menu that advertises "Atomic Chicken Wings" because he very much believes them to be messages used by North Korean agents to communicate with each other.

#2 - That watch is RAF issue. They give them to Air Cadets. It's made of some weird alloy that grows a green layer on its outside.

Air Cadets are university students. Therefore, from this I surmise that the photo is some sort of student prank.

You guys are awesome.

I'm actually going to answer seriously, though:

1. No. Dog's mouths are cleaner than ours, but they're not that clean. The stinging does not mean it's being disinfected. Put some anti-itch healing goop on it and say no to dog spit.

2. It's a watch with a big-ass squash under it. Actually, the caption is correct. "...the gourds & zucchinis & cucumbers & patty pan squash & pumpkins have rebelled against all being planted in a 16 x 12 foot garden and recombinated, producing giant glowing orb of mysterious squashness." Squashes are promiscuous, and frequently pollinate each other and cross breed.

3. They look the same because when you go to a cheap-o place to have your menu designed/type-set, they have common templates. They have weird typos because they're written and proofread by people whose first language is not English.

4. Like you keep a seeing dog off the furniture. When he gets up on something, tell him he's a bad dog and don't give him a biscuit.

5. I don't know. You'd probably have to go back to school, though.

please, for fuckssake, don't give your dog poison ivy. it's in your system, not your wounds. don't give it to the dog.
i wil answer the others if there is time between dancing

5. How hard is it to become a first grade teacher if you're over 40 and have a BA in studio art and art history and almost a 2nd BA in art education?

Teach4NC

safety deposit box where he collects Chinese take-out menus and any menu that advertises "Atomic Chicken Wings" because he very much believes them to be messages used by North Korean agents to communicate with each other.

*nods*

3. There's a secret society that runs all the chinese restaurants. Their logo reads the same backwards and forwards -- in Chinese.

Squashes are promiscuous, and frequently pollinate each other and cross breed.

Thanks, Specklet. Now I have dirty squash porn in my head.

#5. Lateral entry is your best bet. Be aware, though, that with No Child Left Behind this approach has become more difficult. I have several friends here in Greensboro who teach in public school, all lateral entry. Subbing at elementary schools in your area (for a measly $50 a day) will go a long way with a principal if you're good at it, especially if you're filling for a teacher who has quit. (This happens a lot, but most often at the middle/high school level.) I hated subbing, but it's a good way to figure out if you're really interested.

Lateral entry is your best bet.

Thanks, kortez. Now I have dirty squash porn in my head.

I so love you people.

Here's looking at you, kids.

oh, puppie, that is great

I think the orb thing might be a Crenshaw melon, but since I've never actually seen a Crenshaw melon, I could be wrong.

Aren't the patches of sun and shadow on it cool, though? It reminds me of those silhouette things where you look at the drawing and try to decide if it's the outline of a vase, or two faces in profile, looking at each other. Or maybe it's a Rorshach test.

So yeah, it's a Crenshaw Melon Rorshach Test Silhouette. They're actually pretty rare. Good find!

Specklet got it right with the cucurbit promiscuity theory.

In the past, I have accidentally grown squmpkins.

Squmpkins! Eee hee heeeee!

I think it might be a squmpkin at that. I put the watch on it for size, see? I'm so clever like that. It's grown again. It's bigger than a basketball now and beginning to glow faintly orange.

if it tries to eat you just relax;

it'll be over soon and in your new life you will be an aster