User:Wendell
1. refers to somebody else's list and is really stupid out of context.
2. I have always been rather neglectful of my cars, and they have usually punished me for it.
3. Ditto for my body.
4. I'm still surprised that there are some people who have never heard my "James Dean Story", because I'm getting tired of telling it.
4. I am now living in my "If I could live anywhere in the world" place.
5. I'd rather be a webcartoonist than a blogger, but I really need to improve my drawing/Photoshop skills.
6. My only appearances on television were (a) on a Los Angeles newscast, doing a "ground-level tightrope walking act" and (b) on a PBS fund-raising auction during which Casey Kasem yelled at me to sit down.
7. My other greatest "brush with celebrity" involved Robin Williams making fun of what I was wearing by calling me the name of a great dead gay tennis player (another story I've told too often).
8. After a few telephone-intensive jobs early in my working life, including answering the phones for a radio talk show, I now really dislike telephones.
9. I prefer to carefully pre-plan my spontaneity.
9a. Like others above me, I have freaked out before a Meetup.
10. But I am generally more outgoing when I'm cold sober.
11. I am allergic to peanuts, but not life-threateningly so.
12. I have had MeFi crushes, but always ended up competing with quonsar for their attention so I just gave up.
13. My childhood athsma helped keep me from ever taking up smoking (and prompted both my parents to quit).
14. I try to be very deliberate in my collection of "things"... for example, the only Spongebob merchandise I own is a Spongebob sponge.
15. "Wendell" is not my birth name, but originated in an Embarassing Story My Parents Told about picking out my birthname (another overtold story).
15a. My all-time most Embarassing Story My Parents Told was about me having a hernia operation at the age of 5, then showing everybody at the hospital the stitches.
16. I am going to organize an All-California MetaFilter/MetaChat/MonkeyFilter Meetup here in San Luis Obispo that will be LEGEN...as Barney on "How I Met Your Mother" would say... DARY!!!
The following "things about me" were written by user on a webcomics forum who has become my Personal Nemesis. They are, obviously, not accurate. If they are not funny, please remember that I did not write them. If they are funny, please remember that they are about ME.
Wendell is the oldest living computer literate, but only by a technicality.
Wendell is wanted for the attempted murder of the English language. If you see him, do not attempt to apprehend him yourself. He is considered verbose and extremely garrulous.
Wendell has seen a purple cow, and knows the hellish memory of its fiery gaze.
Wendell knows better than to leave the toilet seat up when there are ladies present, but he doesn't care.
Wendell lost the other half of his smile in a card game with Johnny Cash. Two days later, the Man in Black was buried, still smirking at the misfortune of Wendellwit.
Wendell's last words will be, "The Joy of Cooking! It's a cookbook!"
Wendell has not seen the sun in thirteen years. The two have not been on speaking terms since he wrote that limerick.
Wendell was once a contractor for satan, but was released from his duties when he presented the dark prince with a wheelbarrow full of shoes.
Wendell has been from the plains of Patagonia to the badlands of the Gobi, but his true love is Newark.
Wendell drove a tank, held a general's rank, in the Swiss Army.
Wendell was an understudy to Mr. Ed.
Wendell was painstakingly assembled entirely out of the shattered dreams of youth.
Wendell shot the Sherriff, but that was only during college and he's cleaned up since then.
Wendell is known to cause cancer in lab rats, like anything else.
Wendell broke the sound barrier, and spent a week in after-school detention for his trouble.
Wendell can tear a phone book in half, but only three pages at a time.
Wendell dreams of one day owning his own flea circus.
Wendell is on the verge of directly identifying the charm quark. He plans to market it as "Quantum Cologne."
Wendell must not be fed after midnight.
Wendell is divisible by zero.
Wendell lost his position as head writer for "My Little Pony" after the controversial "Donkey Show" episode.
Wendell has never forgiven Niels Bohr.
Wendell swore to one day return, and when he does, 7-11 will never be the same again.
Wendell is the unfortunate byproduct of an uncontrolled death droid population.
Wendell loathes acorns and all they stand for.
Wendell can see into the future, given enough time.
Wendell is the tunnel at the end of the light.
Wendell can fold up for easy storage in any pocket, assuming it's not a watch pocket or you're not wearing those ridiculous low-rider jeans.
Wendell, given infinite time and an infinite number of typewriters, will duplicate the entire works of Jim Brown.
In the interest of equal absurdity, here is what I wrote about Wendell's Nemesis:
Wendell's Nemesis wishes he were an Army of One, but has only enough multiple personalities for a small brigade.
Wendell's Nemesis once worked as a mercenary for the Salvation Army.
Wendell's Nemesis was unsuccessful in an attempt to patent Metahumor.
Wendell's Nemesis is visible in the southern night sky during the summer months, but only if you're very drunk.
Wendell's Nemesis has an uncanny ability to annoy people at long distances. (Okay, him and half the people on the internet)
Wendell's Nemesis loves little baby ducks and big pickup trucks.
Wendell's Nemesis says he's from Texas, but when you mention his name in the state, everybody points to Oklahoma.
Wendell's Nemesis is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, but he left his bubblegum under his desk.
Wendell's Nemesis is slightly above average in military intelligence.
Wendell's Nemesis was considered a suspect in the murder of Bonnie Lee Bakley after being found in possession of Baretta's cockatoo.
Wendell's Nemesis will not be pushed, stamped, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered, but he is more than willing to be folded or stapled.
Wendell's Nemesis lives on the edge, where the rent is cheaper.
Wendell's Nemesis is capable of killing a bear with his man hands.
Wendell's Nemesis went straight to DVD.
Wendell's Nemesis does not like egg nog, fruitcake, haggis or McNuggets, unless they were made by Rachael Ray.
Wendell's Nemesis has been to paradise, but he's never been to me.
Wendell's Nemesis knows where the bodies are buried, he's just not sure how many of them are dead.
Wendell's Nemesis tried to repair a hole in the fabric of space and time with a staple gun.
Wendell's Nemesis knows the muffin man, but still prefers Krispy Kremes.
Wendell's Nemesis may cause constipation, diarrhea or uncontrolled outbreaks of the Pepto Bismol dance.
Wendell's Nemesis lives for the Hunt. Helen.
Wendell's Nemesis is not everything he appears to be, for which we are all quite relieved.
Wendell's Nemesis is on Homeland Security's "No Swim" list.
Wendell's Nemesis is a desert topping and a floor wax AND A Bass-o-Matic.
Wendell's Nemesis should not be taken internally or seriously.
Wendell's Nemesis appeared in the original "Our Gang" comedies as "Farty".
Wendell's Nemesis has a tattoo on a certain body part that says "If you can read this, you're too close."
Wendell's Nemesis once sent his dog to obedience school, then ate its homework.
Wendell's Nemesis is the Lord of the Hokey Pokey.
Wendell's Nemesis does not have issues... he has a lifetime subscription.
Wendell's Nemesis once performed at an aquarium and was so popular he was held under an extra week.
Wendell's Nemesis is the seventh son of a seventh son of a seventh son of a seventh son, so his share of the family farm is three inches square.
Wendell's Nemesis came from Alabama to have the banjo on his knee surgically removed.
Wendell's Nemesis will be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
Wendell's Nemesis know just how easy these things are to write.
And the Number One thing about Wendell's Nemesis... He turns the world on with his smile!
