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05 December 2014

A (Grim) Friday Question from the Book of Questions Have you ever considered suicide? What, if anything, is so important to you that without it life might not be worth living?
I have, but never in a serious way. I used to have the bizarre urge to jump in front of subway trains when I lived in NYC, no idea why and I never took a step toward actually doing such a thing. I thought about suicide more seriously a couple of years ago when I had really terrible and ongoing back pain, but the pain abated with acupuncture treatment.

I do think that terminal illness, if it were excruciatingly painful, or possibly a diagnosis like Alzheimers, might get me making concrete plans. I think I value the ability to function without overwhelming pain and also the abilities to live life with some dignity and to recognize and treat my loved ones decently that much.
posted by bearwife 05 December | 11:55
Yup. Quite often, actually. Never serious enough to start gathering piles of pills, or buy a shotgun or something. But, more in an exhausted, weary, pleading "I just need to end" way.

As for the second question...After the past summer dealing with my mother and her decent into severe Alzheimer's, I'd have to say my mental faculties. I would not want to live like my mom does now.
posted by Thorzdad 05 December | 15:36
Yes, I wound up in a hospital when I was 20 for cutting my wrists because I don't connect easily with people. The asshole psychiatrist assigned to me put me on lithium even though blood work proved that I did not have a chemical imbalance.

A year later my father's requirement for my remaining at home was to go to the social coach program run by the man who wrote the Date Doctor book. I think that Bart helped me far more than the hospital did, in part because he made it clear that I was not the only one with the problems in my family.

Like thorzad, my independence is sacred to me and I wouldn't want to live if I couldn't have it. Also, not being able to read.
posted by brujita 05 December | 15:59
Bart and the other counselors realized that being at home wasn't healthy for me and helped me find an apartment.
posted by brujita 05 December | 16:00
Warning: graphic shit here.

Yep. I've tried to kill myself a few times. Mostly when I was in middle/high school. I tried to hang myself (using sheets that tore), I took a massive amount of pills (turned out they were antibiotics and so I just puked them back up), and cut my wrists one evening (not deep enough). I'm medicated now, which helps. But every so creeps back in. Luckily, I people who I can message at some awful time of night and they can talk me back off the ledge a bit. My parents however--ugh. I don't think my dad ever noticed, but my mom found suicide notes that I had drafted in my diary and told me that I couldn't kill myself because no one would be around to take care of the cat.

I did have the Ambien issue last month, which I wouldn't have normally categorized as an attempt, but then I found a selfie I don't remember taking on my phone where I have my tongue sticking out with a bunch of pills on it. That's scared me straight for a while now. (And I'm off that after an emergency drop off to the hospital by a friend of mine where they basically let me sleep it off in the drunk tank.)

Alzeheimers or some sort of other degenerative illness would probably do it. I've seen relatives basically turn into shells and I can't imagine that they're okay with that. If there was evidence of that--I'd take matters into my own hands before someone else could decide for me.
posted by sperose 05 December | 16:25
As many of you know, I watched my mom die of ALS. If I get it, I would commit suicide before I didn't have the option anymore. Hopefully, assisted auicide will become legal in my state, but if not I would find a way.

The horror of what my mom went through is still hard to think about.
posted by amro 05 December | 17:40
Three grandparents and my mother's stepfather required in-home care( my mother's biological father was a ward of the state and in a nursing home). My paternal grandmother and Dick were treated well by their caregivers, my maternal grandmother and Grampa Louie were neglected, robbed and abused.
posted by brujita 05 December | 18:38
Hugs to you dear bunnies who have gone through and witnessed such awfulness.
posted by bearwife 05 December | 18:54
I don't know that I should say this because others will make harsh judgements ....

The thing that stops me is knowing that I have to be here to look after my Mom and the critters. After that's all finished, I have no reason for being around and can finally call it a day.

I have a permanent vacancy in my being since the one person who made living worthwhile is gone. I function, treat others well, and never let on how empty I am inside, so really, it's all over for me anyway.
posted by mightshould 06 December | 05:04
I've never walked out on a movie and I see life the same way. I want to see how it ends.
posted by octothorpe 06 December | 13:22
Agree completely with octothorpe, I would never in a million years commit suicide. However, I do wonder why sometimes God/whomever keeps me around, as I am a miserable person crippled by loneliness that no cat or best friend can help with. I could be a much better person overall otherwise but since it's not happening, what's the point of being here?
posted by Melismata 07 December | 07:26
Folks, I am so sorry you're having difficult struggles and glad you can voice your feelings and give them a name. I encourage anyone feeling isolated, hopeless, or like they might harm themselves to pick up the phone and/or seek additional help. Sometimes it starts to feel like feeling bad is normal and all that will ever happen, but that can turn out to be more of a symptom than the problem, at least for some. Life can surprise you. You might find some of the resources and AskMe threads on the ThereIsHelp page on the MeFiWiki useful.

Suicide touched my life again this week, albeit at a distance, and whether or not it is a rational solution for the person at that moment for me it makes me think of the long chain of what-ifs and missed opportunities that might have changed the way that person felt about living. No guarantee of that, but things can change, and I hope they change positively for those of you feeling down. It can get better.

On that note I am going to close this thread because I am often concerned about how this may play into suicidal ideation going on for other people who are not visible in the conversation. For anyone who is thinking of harming yourself, please use the link above and call someone.
posted by Miko 07 December | 08:54
It's Friday and December. || Christmas Cooking.