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06 February 2014

I was going to go on a date on Saturday ... [More:]... with a guy from OKC.

He seemed quite nice, physically not my type at all but we have some interests in common. We were going to go to a lunchtime gig on Saturday. Then he started adding in all these extra things we could do "... and if you don't like X, we can do Y. And if you don't like that, we can do A, B or C..."

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to be trying a bit too hard which might be down to nervousness. He also admitted he'd lied about his height - he'd said he was 5ft 4" in his profile but then said he was 'nearer' 5ft 2". It wasn't a dealbreaker to me, as I'm only 4ft 11 myself, but I didn't like the fact that he'd lied in his profile. But I do understand why he did because height is often a big dealbreaker for women.

I'd already explained to him that I had a busy week ahead but it didn't deter him from sending me several emails a day, with 'jokes' or just some general rambling about himself.

But today he emailed me three times. First to say he'd woken up thinking about me. Secondly (in response to my comment that I am 'reserved' in person) that I am indeed 'reserved for him' and then to say he'd had an accident - which turned out wasn't an accident at all but was an intro to another 'joke'.

So I just sent him this:

You know, it's a little creepy to hear that you woke up thinking about me. And that I am 'reserved' for you. I really don't like that. We don't know each other and although I'm sure you were just trying to be funny, it doesn't come over like that at all. It's made me feel uneasy, and so I think in all the circumstances I'd prefer not to meet you on Saturday.

I think instead I'll go to the local cat shelter and adopt the 57 cats I'll end up with as a crazy old cat lady, and just bypass the next 20 years ...
Gosh you are so awesome Senyar. . .keep spinning the chamber and one of these times it will not be a dud.

OK not a very apt metaphor. . .
posted by danf 06 February | 11:28
At least you didn't waste the Saturday. Did you hear back?
posted by JanetLand 06 February | 11:44
I just heard back from him saying that he didn't mean it, things can come over differently in text, give him another chance, I really do have a beautiful smile, please, please give him another chance.

posted by Senyar 06 February | 12:43
I had a lovely series of dates with a woman from OKCupid, including a long evening watching the Superbowl together Sunday, a nice time to talk and get to know each other. Thennnn she broke things off with me Tuesday night. She was nice enough about it, and I do respect that she didn't drag things out, but, man, this shit's tough.
posted by mrmoonpie 06 February | 13:06
Yeah, online dating is horrible, mrmoonpie. But I had to go with my gut feeling on this one, which is that this is a very needy guy with little experience of women. Now I'm in my 50s, the pool is so fucking small and what's swimming in there seems to be divided between sharks and bottom-feeders.
posted by Senyar 06 February | 13:26
I think you are rightly picking up that this man is already so into his artificial construct of who you are that he is, at best, never going to perceive who you really are And, at worst, he is a potential stalker/harasser.

Good for you. But all this means is that you have good radar, not that you will be the locus for a cat colony.

posted by bearwife 06 February | 13:26
I rather like the cat colony idea myself.
posted by JanetLand 06 February | 13:35
I realize that my tall man privilege is showing when I say this, but I kinda laughed about a guy bothering to stay he's 5'4" when he's really 5'2".
posted by mullacc 06 February | 13:35
Ugh, I'm sorry Senyar. I agree with Bearwife, though - I think it means good radar for you, and at least you can do something else with your Saturday!
posted by needlegrrl 06 February | 13:38
This was a good call on your part. He sounds very needy. In my dating days, I found it very off-putting when someone came on real strong at the beginning. There's something sort of desperate about it, and sad.

It sucks sometimes being alone but it sucks much worse being with someone who is creepy. And sometimes it's downright awesome being alone.

Do something fun on Saturday!
posted by Kangaroo 06 February | 14:08
That really sucks, Senyar. Good for you for breaking the date though. He sounds excruciating.
posted by gaspode 06 February | 14:31
It's good you followed your instincts. And your kitty would be very cross if she suddenly had to share you with 57 compatriots. : )
posted by Pips 06 February | 14:38
Just remember, what our contemporary society considers "crazy cat lady," the ancient Egyptians would have called "high priestess."
posted by Eideteker 06 February | 14:53
You dodged a bullet!
Good job deciding not to see him.
It's too bad that there aren't better eligible partners around, you certainly deserve one. I hope you meet some better prospects soon.
posted by rmless2 06 February | 16:04
After a discussion on MeFi about on-line dating and the creepy behaviour that women have to deal with (on OK Cupid specifically), I decided to have a look from the other side of the fence and set up a profile identical to the one I have (which I never really filled in properly) except with me listed as female. It's been ... interesting. I'm not sure which is worse - listed as a male, I've never got a single message but, listed as a female with an identical profile except for one word in the description and a different photo, I got the first 'nice smile' message before I'd even finished the profile. The photo I used is a stock photo that's basically a female android. Not smiling.
posted by dg 06 February | 16:10
Ouch, been there Senyar.

I've been told a thousand times, "well, good for you for knowing that you'd rather be alone than with someone unsuitable." I guess that's true, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
posted by Melismata 06 February | 17:36
P.S. I personally have no idea why height is such a dealbreaker for women. Maybe yeah if there's a two-foot difference so that kissing/etc. is a problem but other than that, who cares?
posted by Melismata 06 February | 17:38
nthing the kudos on the instincts. When I did online dating, it helped me build both my confidence and creep detection abilities. I got good at nipping things quickly once the alarms went off, & learned not to worry or feel bad about it. I didn't invest emotionally until it clicked.

Keep on truckin, girl.
posted by chewatadistance 06 February | 19:29
That sucks, Senyar. Online dating sucks. You deserve to have someone and I hope it happens very soon.
posted by amro 06 February | 19:30
I guess that I've been the beneficiary of the height thing since I'm a big moose of a guy but I don't quite get it. I definitely don't get the lying thing. It's not like you wouldn't get found out so why not tell the truth.
posted by octothorpe 06 February | 21:45
So do we not all wake up thinking of Senyar first thing in the morning? Just me and this guy?
posted by Eideteker 06 February | 22:56

void prospecting() {"Nice smile^H^H^H^H^H eyes";
posted by buttnozzle 06 February | 22:56
Finding a decent person shouldn't be so hard, but it really is. And when you've had a great relationship like you experienced with George, it makes it seem even more frustrating.
posted by mightshould 07 February | 06:20
If nothing else at least he got good feedback and will hopefully avoid this next time...! I am in full agreement with your decision; he would have escalated this behavior after the meeting, probably
posted by Firas 07 February | 08:21
I am with everyone else on two points:
1) You dodged a bullet, good on you for catching that one before it got too far; and
2) You totally deserve someone good in your life.
posted by msali 07 February | 09:53
OrigaMiG! Towel Bunnies! || I had forgotten