FYI: This particular user is not a good yardstick.

I don't even read AskMe (just the ones people link me to) and I was like, "wait, isn't this the guy..."

That aside, if someone leaves you for another person, did they really love you? And if someone tries to possess and control you, do they really love you?

I guess that it all depends on context and the specific people involved. My wife has always had as many or more more guy friends than women friends and she certainly has had coffee or lunch with them without me. But I don't consider anyone else a "contender" since we're so committed to each other.

I'm fine with my male partners having female friends.

I'm fine with partners pursuing friendships with people of the opposite sex (assuming heterosexuality for involved parties, since I'm hetero).

I'm not ok, in any way, with people pursuing friendships with people who are involved with other people in an attempt to pursue a romantic relationship but keeping plausible deniability that it's a platonic relationship.

In what world does having sex with someone give them the right to police your friendships? These questions seems so bizarre-- you only allow contact with people you find unattractive? And you are permitted this by who? And this narrow pool you fish from is not yet depleted? Bravo.

It is difficult to generalize because individual cases are unique. That said, I'm with occiblu's answer, and I believe that in most situations the parties involved (including the respective spouses/partners) know exactly what's going on, i.e., whether it's innocent or sketchy.

Some of the answers to that question suggest the OP should invite the woman to coffee and develop a friendship even if she's involved with another guy ..

I think that's weird advice, and not because of the jealousy angle. If he wants to date her, he should pursue that; he doesn't have to try to "be her friend" if that's not what he's looking for.

I'm not ok, in any way, with people pursuing friendships with people who are involved with other people in an attempt to pursue a romantic relationship but keeping plausible deniability that it's a platonic relationship.

True, but I'd trust my wife to flag anyone like that. No one who would thinks that he can weasel his way into a relationship is nearly as stealthy as he thinks he is.

In what world does having sex with someone give them the right to police your friendships? These questions seems so bizarre-- you only allow contact with people you find unattractive? And you are permitted this by who? And this narrow pool you fish from is not yet depleted? Bravo.
posted by ethylene 30 December | 02:36

Ha ha, yes, this is the standard MeFi answer that I find bizarre.

To focus in a bit more on what I find strange, it's this:

I'm having a hard time imagining woman (who HAS A BOYFRIEND) meeting new guy at a party, and then he FB messages her saying "hey wanna get coffee this Thursday?" And she messages him back "sure that sounds great. :) "

And then she goes and mentions to her boyfriend, "met this guy at the party last weekend, seems cool, he just messaged me to ask me to coffee, I'm looking forward to it."

I'm having a hard time imagining the boyfriend not feeling weird about that or being okay with it. And I'm puzzled that she doesn't feel weird about it either.

I'm not talking about friends she already knew, or friends she's made at work. I'm talking about "some rando" asking her to coffee.

And this isn't about "policing." Who said anything about policing? Not being okay with something doesn't mean you're "policing" somebody. I'm talking about what's appropriate.

What does "inappropriate" mean to you? That's a pretty vague/nebulous term.

By inappropriate, I guess I mean something most reasonable people would agree "one doesn't do in a relationship."

There are two AskMe questions that describe situations that, to me, stand at opposite ends of a spectrum of appropriateness in a relationship.

At one end of the spectrum, I think most reasonable people would be okay with the boyfriend's conduct in this question.

At the other end of the spectrum, I think most people would think the wife's conduct was inappropriate as it was described in this question.

With regard to the "coffee with some random guy who she met at a party and has now Facebook messaged her" scenario, I'm trying to figure out where my staid, cramped, backward, possessive moral viewpoint parts ways with the those of you who think it's A-OK. If you were the boyfriend in that situation would you feel a little niggling jealousy, that you sweep aside because you are better than that? Or would you not feel the jealousy at all?

I can imagine my husband having coffee with someone he met at a party; he has coffee regularly with women he meets at work, church events (some of which are basically parties), etc. I don't think one coffee date would set off my alarm bells, unless it did; does that make sense?

It depends entirely on the individuals involved. If it's usual for someone to have lots of friend of the opposite sex and have coffee with them, then meeting a new person for coffee is no big deal. But if someone has never in 10 years just randomly met someone on facebook and decides to go out with them, and then defends him/herself by accusing the partner of being controlling/jealous/whatever, then you have a problem.

The 'doesn't know well' is the confusing part; and most relationships have endless variables of comfort/trust/sincerity/ and even timeliness that further confuse stuff like this.

I'm in the 'no' category because of the variables. But I'm adult enough that with just a few basic background 5W types of curiosities answered; it would be a 'eh, ok; be careful, public place, text me,' etc type of deal.

Everybody needs a snug. /facepalm.

I'd be more or less OK with this. Although, I tend towards feeling insecure and would no doubt feel a little jealous and the thought would cross my mind "what if she decides she likes him better than me"? But I get that this is my own insecurity speaking and not a valid indication of how she (unfortunately, only a hypothetical she these days) is likely to act. My ex had a number of male friends and, apart from the odd insecurity twinge, it never bothered me that she met them socially etc. However, it was apparently innapropriate for me to interact with any other female outside either work or social settings where she was present. So I think it all comes down to how much you trust your partner - if she loves you and your relationship is solid, what difference does it make what body parts her friends have? Two people having interlocking parts doesn't mean they're going to be attracted to one another or do anything about if even if they are.

It would bug the Bear if I did this, and it would bug me if he did it. So we don't. It isn't rules, so much as a limitation that -- to us -- comes with a committed and exclusive relationship. Having said that, I don't see how our preferences would be binding on someone else.

This, by the way, doesn't mean we don't both go out to work lunches with "eligible" people of the opposite sex. But - that's for work.

I don't see why other people wouldn't have their own preferences -- it's up to each couple. I will say that the hallmark of cheating seems to be secrecy, so the early disclosure about the "coffee" date removes just about all alarm bells. In my own marriage, we just take it for granted that we'll tell each other, e.g., I had a work lunch with so and so.

It isn't rules, so much as a limitation that -- to us -- comes with a committed and exclusive relationship. Having said that, I don't see how our preferences would be binding on someone else.

That's a good way to put it.

True, but I'd trust my wife to flag anyone like that. No one who would thinks that he can weasel his way into a relationship is nearly as stealthy as he thinks he is.

Oh, yeah, totally. I guess I'm basically of the mindset that I trust my partner not to cheat on me and not to get entangled in situations in which a "friend" wants more and he's encouraging that by continuing to see her one-on-one. And I want my partner to extend me the same trust. And part of that trust, to me, is saying "No" to invitations that have romantic undertones -- but I trust myself and my partner to evaluate that on a case by case basis.

(My partner, at this point, is also hypothetical, but this is how I've behaved in past relationships. I've been burned a few times, but I figure that those guys were probably going to cheat anyway; I have no desire at all to police my partner, so I just don't.)

This happens to both of us from time to time. I'm cool with it. I am with an extravert; it comes with the territory. My SO is often meeting someone from one of his theater shows or one of his projects, and they sometimes get together to do something related to the stuff they do. If this bothered me, I wouldn't be able to be with him. I do ask questions about the person and try to suss out the nature of the relationship, and make sure that I'm comfortable with the whole scenario, but other than that, since I have a lot of male friends and generally do as I please with regard to platonic relationships, I would be hypocritical to object.

If you trust the person you're with, almost nothing will raise your red flags, because you are confident and clear about your agreement. If you don't have that trust, everything will raise your red flag.

Every now and then something might seem to cross a boundary - but it's not about the coffee, in those cases, it's about inent.I think I see a hint of an idea in occhiblu's comment, above: if someone's at heart willing to be a cheater, no amount of me grilling them about coffee is going to prevent that. Nor do I want to grill them about coffee. If I don't feel secure, it's not about Party B who just materialized around the relationship; it's about the partner in the relationship who's not behaving in a way that makes me feel I can be secure.

if someone's at heart willing to be a cheater, no amount of me grilling them about coffee is going to prevent that. Nor do I want to grill them about coffee. If I don't feel secure, it's not about Party B who just materialized around the relationship; it's about the partner in the relationship who's not behaving in a way that makes me feel I can be secure.

Yes, exactly, that's what I meant. I can be jealous, but it's more about my partner and his behavior *in* the relationship than it is about his friends or acquaintances.

For me, a relationship is less about what we do with our genitals and more about mutual support and being there for each other. If you're spending time with other people (or even sleeping with them), that's not much of a problem for me; but if you're consistently unavailable when I need someone I can let my guard down around and be vulnerable with, then is it really a relationship?