#1 - Does this person love you for you, or are they hoping you'll change? (and vice-versa)

Well it's sort of hard to know for sure, isn't it? One can certainly hope it will, but things happen.

With my husband, sometimes it's as simple as that I still like being around him after all these years and he rarely gets on my nerves (and if he does, it's usually because I'm already irritable). I think that will help us go the distance!

On the other side, I had a boyfriend once who, one of the first times we met, told a story about getting back at someone he was mad at by sleeping with their partner. I don't know why that didn't tip me off that he wasn't great at dealing with anger or frustration in a healthy way. Still mystified why I let that story go!

On the doomed to fail side, I felt so horrible after arguments with one ex that I should have known it was not sustainable. You should be with someone who you can have disagreements and arguments with and not feel like throwing up after. With this ex, we pushed each others buttons too well and it led to really painful fights.
With my current bf (which I hope will last), we can disagree and it doesn't get mean or hurtful.

I agree with TPS that it's hard to tell if any relationship is going to go the distance. However, I have good feelings about this current one because I can be upset with him, explain why I'm upset, and he'll attempt to try and understand on the surface level, even if he doesn't grok it the way I do.

A good recent example is that he's not as attached to physical objects the way I am, and his attempts to get me to throw away a wooden purse that TPS gave to me (the black and white one with stars, remember?) on the pretense that it was "impractical and bulky" and cluttering up our bookshelf was met with a heated resistance. He didn't understand why I thought it was so cool and awesome, why I thought it was stylish and unique, why I'd want to keep it...until I explained, that is. And even though he doesn't "get it," he was able to back down because he saw it was important to me.

A sign of failing relationships? Speaking as one who's done it in the past, when I actively thought about how I'd rather be with someone else sexually than my partner. But that's kind of an obvious one.

Trolling online for sex partners who were also in relationships was a big red flag.

I found that in those doomed relationships, my own understanding of myself was too limited to see what was happening. Given that, no one could have told me much that would have made me see.

It's impossible to know for sure, but I'm confident that The Fella and I are in it together forever because we work as a team, with kindness and compassion and a genuine desire to understand and support each other. That's new for me; my previous relationships felt adversarial because at heart, they were adversarial.

Even when we fight, it's with love and a certain amount of restraint: we both avoid saying things that would sting, or if they must be said, we pause and find the least hurtful way to say them. Neither of us is throwing out zingers in hopes of "winning" the fight, because you don't win a fight by beating your partner; you win a fight by finding a compromise or solution that both partners can agree upon. Even when we fight, we have a shared goal, because we're a team and a team needs to work together.

I always think contempt for one's partner is a good predictor of relationship doom, and shared affectionate respect is an indicator of relationship health... but then again, I can think of a few long, long, LONG partnerships in which the couple regularly express contempt for each other, so what do I know?

Damn occhi, that SUCKS.

Every relationship before the previous had a feeling of impermanence to it, and they all ended because of distance or circumstance. I never thought of any of them "standing the test of time", because indeed, we were all young and foolish and didn't think of such things. What has stood the test of time is my continued friendship with my two significant ex boyfriends. They are still the same awesome people I thought they were when we dated, it just didn't work out for us as a couple.

Now my fella, my current, my one and only, my "forever" mate. Of course I don't know if we are going to make it the long run, but if anything ends our relationship, it will be illness and death. We had an early trial by fire with illness that had a way of clarifying for us what we wanted, thereby solidifying our commitment to each other, if that makes any sense.

We are business partners, lovers, best friends. He's my sweetie and I'm his boo. I'm peanut butter to his chocolate. We may not always be the most passionate people, but we sure do complement each other's personality, and bring out the good in one another.

The meth use was a big red flag.

what are the characteristics that led you to know it? Also MeCha bunnies who were in relationships that were doomed to fail, what were the characteristics that (maybe in hindsight) defined the failing relationship?

You know it because the relationship is easy from the get go. You get along. You trust each other. You have each other's backs. There will be fights, there will be hard times, but the relationship lasts because that base of ease and trust and loyalty is always there. My Bear really is my very best friend, plus he makes my heart go pitter pat, 16 years later and counting.

You know it will fail when it is work, where there are things that are right but others that aren't, when you hope some basic part of your partner's personality will change, when you feel burdened and anxious about the relationship, not at ease and supported. My dad called these relationships "partial clicks" -- you do click on some levels, not on others.

My best to you. I think I've been where you are now.

Trolling online for sex partners who were also in relationships was a big red flag.

Definitely.

It's interesting to hear other people's answers to the question. I actually asked it because I was thinking about my relationships with the bf and the ex-husband, and a kind of weird way that I know one is the real deal and one was always doomed, but it's not very sweet or romantic so I wanted to hear those kinds of answers from people too.

The way I can tell is that with both of them, I had a series of health crises that just kept getting worse and worse. Some of the issues also fundamentally changed the way I saw myself as a person and a person in a relationship. Some of the issues left me pretty darn helpless/unable to care for myself at times. And I didn't have a lot of outside support and lost a lot of friends who couldn't deal or didn't understand, so I had to rely on the guys.

The ex-husband never rose to the challenge, saw them as my problems, not our problems. When I couldn't help myself, he was never there to help me. And like a lot of people, he was pretty judgmental.

The bf is a lot younger than me, and has never had to deal with serious illness. And some of this has been pretty serious, and scary, and confusing. But he's never faltered for a second, has been 100% on my side, has picked me up when I've fallen, coaxed me out of bed to make sure I got some food in me everyday. And, we still have fun with each other even when I don't feel good, even when it's scary. That's how I know it's for real with him.

You know, I guess that actually is pretty sweet and romantic after all.

You look forward to seeing him at the end of a long hard day. He brings you little plastic creatures from the gumball-like machines at the store, or calls and asks if you'd like some pudding. Cause he's sweet and kind and almost never gets mad. Cause you can't live without his flannel shirts in the closet, and you curse when you stub your toe on his sneakers by the foot of the bed. Cause he sleeps next to you all night on the gurney in the hall of the hospital Emergency Room and brings you a purple hippo puppet you'll lose years later in Vegas. Cause he lets you watch what you want on TV and doesn't care if you're too tired to cook. Cause he's brilliant and funny and has a cute butt. Cause you don't eat for four days when you stupidly call it quits and for weeks just long to come home. Cause you're talking on the phone and he says those two words, Come home, and you do, taking the train to Grand Central at midnight and meeting him by the clock like some corny movie. Cause there's a lot wrong but you don't give a shit cause you're grateful every day for what you almost lost. Cause you love him.

I'm glad I'm wrong about why you asked. Your BF sounds wonderful, and you are so right that it is sweet and romantic after all. Also, hoping the health issues get better for you soon.

Trolling online for sex partners who were also in relationships was a big red flag.

Yep. Been there too.

The warning signs were feeling as if I couldn't be myself, because I would be seen as "weird". Feeling unevenness in the relationship (I did the work, or conceded the most, or bent over backwards more, or just plain loved him more than he was capable of loving me). The biggest thing was my gut, screaming at me that things were too wrong to ever make right. And self esteem - it took me far too long to stand up for myself and feel like I was worth more than I was being given (more so the first marriage than the second, in that way).

As for forever? I'm not sure I've found that yet. But what I have now, with my someone special, has actually lasted decades (first boyfriend, now we're a "we" again, 28 years after we broke up). With him, for the first time, I really can be myself, and he gets me, like no one else ever has. He is thoughtful, helpful, sweet, romantic, funny, and I just love being with him. I'd like to think it's forever; I'm just to cynical to be certain.

You know, it's also really interesting how many people bring up being able to have fights and not damage each other as a sign the relationship is a good one, or having damaging fights being the sign of a bad relationship. We learn almost as much about love in the bad times as we do in the good ones, I guess. The bf and I had to learn how to have fights, actually, in couples counseling. It didn't take that many sessions, surprisingly, to learn how to be grownups and disagree like rational adults. Even though we needed a little help on that front, now that we're there, I'd agree with the other people who say being able to disagree in a constructive loving way is a good sign for the long term.

I was going to say what TPS said:

Well it's sort of hard to know for sure, isn't it? One can certainly hope it will, but things happen.

But it's always a choice, and always a day to day. For me, this goes:

With my husband, sometimes it's as simple as that I still like being around him after all these years and he rarely gets on my nerves

I genuinely like my SO. I enjoy being around him and I feel completely comfortable with him and supported by him and that he's 100% on my side. He can crack me up with a simple facial expression. If I'm in a terrible mood or angry, or he is, we handle it without it meaning that everything gets blown up and goes nuclear. I don't know that it will last forever, but I hope it does, and am willing to work hard at it, so there you go.

You know it because the relationship is easy from the get go

I wouldn't say this was true for me. We had a bumpy beginning. We wanted to be together so we worked hard and worked it all out.

As for relationships that didn't work out: I should have seen it better. But the same committment just wasn't there. I knew at some gut level that there was not this same sense of being on a team together. There was a feeling of conditionality, never of calm and intention. I was always taking the temperature of the relationships - could never just trust them. Had to check in. Had to have long dull conversations with friends about this or that and what it all meant and where it was all going. Had to pull teeth to have those conversations with the guys in question. They just weren't in it to win it.

letty cottin pogrebin wrote in 1 of her books that it was ok to go to bed mad--i'm inferring that. both sides have been communicating and know why. She and her husband have been married about 50 years.

or conceded the most

Word, redvixen. Totally word. That's what killed my relationship with the guy who owned the Vespa (and the breakup inspired this post): I was so afraid of things going wrong with him that I subsumed my real feelings around him. In the end he sensed that, and he could tell it wasn't going to work out.

it was ok to go to bed mad-

Yeah, "don't go to bed mad" is one of those pieces of advice that sounds wise and nice, but really is impractical. Sometimes you're not going to solve whatever made you mad in one evening. Sometimes it's a mood issue or you need some time to stew your way out. Not only can you go to bed mad, if you need more space than that, a night on the couch or in the spare bed now and then never killed anybody. I think it's a lot better to get sleep, think things over, and get a fresh start with a rested mind than to get in some exhausted rut of trying to hash things out when you're worn out and emotionally depleted and should really just hit the hay.

Elsa mentioned the contempt thing. That's another piece of conventional wisdom you always hear: relationships can't survive contempt. IT's not really a factor in my relatinship, but I do know a fair number of couples who do the sighing, eye-rolling, skeptical smirking, and worse at each other from time to time, and log year after year together in general happiness. I don't think it's always the killer people say. I suppose if it were only contempt, with no corollary respect at other times/for other things, that would pretty much suck. But it doesn't seem to be a hard and fast rule, either.

The way I can tell is that with both of them, I had a series of health crises that just kept getting worse and worse.

Yeah, how a partner responds during any major crisis is telling, I think. After my first not-quite-a-date with The Fella, my father had his last health crisis. I was spending my days getting a foothold on the new semester, my evenings and mornings commuting to my parents' house, and most nights making dinner for Mom, then sitting up well past midnight with Dad.

Here's a contrast I'll never forget from the first week of that schedule: when I told an old friend why I had to cancel our coffee date, she kissed me off with "Sounds like you're busy. Call me in a few months when things quiet down!" (i.e., "Call me after your dad dies! See ya!") and the guy I'd been on one date with said "That sounds rough. Let me know if you want to talk about it, or not talk about it, or just freak out." Guess which one I called? And guess which one I trust today?

It's perhaps useful to distinguish between eyerolling, or teasing or even genuine annoyance with a partner's habits and more serious contempt and derision. I know plenty of couples who like to dissect their minor irritation with their partners, and it's probably healthy to use that as a safety valve in some cases.

I myself have on occasion complained long and loud about how The Fella wants to hold my hand or touch me ALL THE TIME OH MY GOLLY IT IS A LOT OF HANDHOLDING AND CARESSING. Also, he says "I love you" roughly one jillion times a day. Not surprisingly, my friends find that a pretty unsympathetic complaint, but it's different from my previous experience and there have been times when that deluge of affection was pretty overwhelming for me. And when I talk about it, I roll my eyes. HARD.

But there are other things, things that get on my nerves a bit, that I don't complain about, partly because I know the breech of privacy would hurt his feelings and partly --- mostly --- because none of those little quirks or habits seem like much against the sheer delight of getting to come home to him every night.

I suppose if it were only contempt, with no corollary respect at other times/for other things, that would pretty much suck.

That makes sense, and I think you might be onto something there. But even unmitigated public contempt doesn't seem to be the relationship killer for others that it would be (and has been, on both sides) for me. I know several apparently permanently committed couples who rarely show respect or affection to balance out their palpable contempt.

Of course, by definition, it's impossible to say what goes on between them in private. Maybe contempt is part of the public persona for some couples. It gives me the creeps to be around them, though.

The mister and I were friends before we met and that continues to this day. We are so compatible it's disgusting. We're fine with offering a shoulder or giving each other space if needed. We're great on communication - any disagreement is easily worked out. We have never raised our voices at each other because neither of us have felt that kind of upset with the other one. (Like I said, it's disgusting.) We've been through health and financial crisis and are still going strong after 13 years.

I think we're going to "stand the test of time".

My one issue is the opposite of Elsa's - there's never enough hand-holding, etc., but we work on it. Oh, and he won't let me have a gajillion goats and chickens in our tiny suburban backyard. He's a bastard that way.

Yeah, how a partner responds during any major crisis is telling, I think.

I will say about the boyfriend just before this current one that when I had mice at my old apartment, he took the train all the way from the Bronx to Brooklyn (a 1.5 to 2 hour trip late at night) to deal with the dying mice stuck on traps behind my refrigerator and stayed overnight so that I wouldn't be freaked out by the additional squeaking. Also, one of the first boyfriends I had after moving to NYC walked to the bodega in a huge snowstorm just because I wanted green tea.

But really, that second one wasn't that much of an emergency, come to think about it.

This is not a popular opinion but this is what works for me.

It shouldn’t be hard.

I don’t mean situation stress about money, health, time management, annoying family members…… or whatever it is for you. But being together should mostly be easy and something you like doing. And when hard things happen you handle them together.

I have read this thread a number of times, wanting to comment. But for me, I think that it just came down to luck, and possibly my own habit of procrastination that saved me.

About 10 years ago, I was miserably unhappy in my marriage. I did not feel that I was getting what I needed, and I could not get my wife into counseling. I had even had one appt. with a divorce lawyer, without her knowing.

But I never went through with it, and stuff slowly got better, every day, until today when I am deliriously happy to be with this woman. And the few of you who have met her can probably see why.

So I have no clue, but it either works or it doesn't.

I've met and I see why! :D

Six years or so so far.

I just feel lucky to have found someone who was so almost ludicrously perfect for me. We don't get in negative feedback loops. We hate hurting each other and don't do it accidentally very much. We compliment each other well; things I'm bad at and scared of seem easy to her and vice versa. It sounds cheesy, but it had to be like this because we are both weird people, so if we didn't fit well we would have run horrified from each other quickly. (Actually she did dump me after the second date though she pretends not to remember that now.)

I think for us too, after she got sick for a week and I helped take care of her, pretty early in the relationship. That helped us drop our guards a lot too and learn to trust.

I think I should explain the "easy" comment above . . . I mean you don't have to be someone other than who you are with the "right" person. You don't have to dream up conversational topics. You don't have to explain yourself.

Other things may be hard . . . when I met my Bear I had no faith in my own romantic judgment, we had very different styles because we'd been independent adults for a long time, and we are terrible dirty fighters who have had to work hard on how to argue for all the time we've been together. But you know, I have never had the feeling, ever, that being with him was hard or that he wasn't in my corner no matter what. And he's always said that he can talk to me like no one else in the world. He's a big introvert but I know he prefers to be with me than to be alone, and I, the extrovert, would pass up oodles of social interaction to spend time with him.

"Easy" can be a difficult word, can it not?

Next month will be our 32nd year together, and I still have no idea how we've done it. I suppose the one thing that sticks-out for me is the complete lack of leashes. We're both free to go and do as we please. I recall the missus once getting shit tossed at her by some female co-workers for "letting" me spend the night out with the guys. Neither one of us could understand that attitude.

I think I'll stick to the 'so annoyed' thread where I belong ;-)