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05 June 2012

Another stellar specimen of manhood As soon as I saw this I clicked straight over to MetaChat to share it with you all.→[More:]I just got "smiled" at by a guy on the dating site I frequent. Upon clicking his profile and checking out the "In Your Own Words" tab, this is what confronted me:

I am a strong wealthy independent man. I know what I want and know how to get it. If your fortunate enough to speak with me please make sure you fit the critieria below.

Do not contact me if.....

1. You have small breasts
2. Overweight
3. Overly Emotional
4. Insecure
5. Have kids

Thank You

post by: Orange Swan at: 20:51 | 31 comments

Quite often when browsing profiles or responding to messages and smiles on dating sites, I come across a profile that emits what I call "the jerk vibe", and I've learned to trust my instincts when I sense that vibe, no matter how subtly. Of course sometimes the vibe is so strong it's really more of a jerk siren. This would be one of those times.

posted by Orange Swan 05 June | 20:54

I have seen many women's profiles that are even more selective than your example, if not so direct in their wording.

posted by Ardiril 05 June | 21:13

I'm sure the women's profiles are just as problematic as the men's. I just don't date women, so I'm only going to post about the real doozies I've come across among the men's profiles. It doesn't mean I think the women are all angels.

It's probably the harsh tone that is the worst of it. He isn't out of line for wanting those things, really (though I have to wonder exactly what he would define as "insecure" or "overly emotional"). This isn't a guy who knows how to be sensitive or tactful, or who even sees a need to be.

And guys who call themselves strong are always overbearing assholes in my experience. Men who are actually strong in a good way never say that about themselves. It's like calling yourself a catch.

posted by Orange Swan 05 June | 21:24

The douche is strong with this one....

My rule of thumb on these types of sites, FWIW, is to never respond to a wink/smile. I even state that in my profile. Not being able to directly communicate with me via message says a lot.

posted by MonkeyButter 05 June | 21:25

I don't mind if people approach with a smile. It's a testing of the waters, so you find out if people are interested before you invest the credits in IMs or sending that initial message.

posted by Orange Swan 05 June | 21:28

My rule of thumb on these types of sites, FWIW, is to never respond to a wink/smile.

My wife required me (or anyone) to answer a very silly ten question essay test before she'd respond. Fortunately, I passed.

posted by octothorpe 05 June | 21:39

Do not contact me if.... you do not know the difference between "your" and "you're".

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 05 June | 21:42

I noticed that TPS, but let that one pass without comment, seeing that he didn't include "stupid and illiterate" in his list of disqualifiers.

posted by Orange Swan 05 June | 21:49

I have to wonder exactly what he would define as "insecure" or "overly emotional"

The women he seeks know exactly what he means--"strong" as well. Many such women are out there; they don't, however, tend to use dating sites.

posted by Ardiril 05 June | 21:54

I could tell some stories about the women if I bothered to remember/linger on the idiots. I just pass.

The fun profiles are the ones where they say something to the effect of either: "I prefer to date within my own race" or just no to interracial marriage (on the OKC multiple choice questions, not in the straight-up written profile). As you can probably guess, both of those are immediate non-starters for me (as is teh smokeing).

After my show last week, one of my classmates was asking us a battery of questions. Like, what's your favorite animal and what are two adjectives that describe why you like it, and then that represents what you're attracted to. And so on. When we got to "favorite drink," I looked at the pineapple juice in front of me. "Sweet but acerbic, sounds about right. That's how I like my women." A little bit of a bite to 'em. ;)

posted by Eideteker 05 June | 22:17

On OKCupid, I barely skim the written profiles before hitting the Dealbreakers link to the questions.

posted by Ardiril 05 June | 22:32

My wife required me (or anyone) to answer a very silly ten question essay test before she'd respond. Fortunately, I passed.

That's the best online dating tip I've ever heard.

posted by Miko 05 June | 22:53

*smile*

posted by danf 05 June | 23:09

Okay Octo, now I'm curious what those 10 questions where.

posted by MonkeyButter 06 June | 00:29

Icky Man. Icky, icky,icky.

And that is all I have to say.

posted by bearwife 06 June | 01:08

Yes, that guy doesn't pass muster, but then I'm overweight so that stops me from being worthy of his consideration.

I've had a few messages this weekend (Bank Holidays are 'free communication' weekend on eHarmony) but only one of those was written in English - the others were in 'textspeak' which is a language I don't understand.

"I hp ur ok n hvn fun @ da Jblee"

And this is from men in their 50s, for whom textspeak is not something they've grown up with.

posted by Senyar 06 June | 02:36

I block idiots on okcupid all the time. They think they deserve something for learning how to read.

posted by ethylene 06 June | 04:56

Sounds like an excellent candidate for OKCEnemies.

posted by sperose 06 June | 07:03

I catch hate all the time for asking someone not to use textspeak.

posted by Ardiril 06 June | 09:27

I'm detecting not so much the "jerk vibe" as the "raging self-regarding asshole" vibe.

posted by tortillathehun 06 June | 09:37

The women he seeks know exactly what he means--"strong" as well. Many such women are out there; they don't, however, tend to use dating sites.

The guys I've known who think some women are "overly emotional and insecure" are generally guys who'll tell a woman that her ass looks fat in that dress, and then say she's "overreacting" when she gets upset with him.

posted by Orange Swan 06 June | 10:08

That's true. The urban legend in that example is the stereotype that all women get upset when told their ass is getting big by their SO. Actually, a very good many women appreciate that candor. He is looking for an no-BS fireball rather than a self-cloistered snowflake.

posted by Ardiril 06 June | 10:36

He is looking for an no-BS fireball rather than a self-cloistered snowflake

Are those the only two choices for my personality? No wonder I hated online dating.

posted by JanetLand 06 June | 10:45

I have been pretty much partnered since the onset of online dating, but part of me (a small part) regrets being unable to accept that challenge. I mean, it must be hard to sift through all the bullshit, but it also seems that there is a skillset to be gained, and utilized.

But, given the chance, I'd probably be as much of a fuckup (in a different way, hopefully) as that guy.

posted by danf 06 June | 11:00

Oh, I see I neglected to add the guy's opening line, which was, "WOMEN WITH SMALL BREASTS NEED NOT APPLY".

posted by Orange Swan 06 June | 12:07

"I'd probably be as much of a fuckup"

Eventually, yeah. You learn fast that directness like his is what works. A profile that would be considered feminist-friendly results in very few initial responses or replies to an introductory message. Another problem, a profile with wishy-washy PC-speak is no more than another tree in the forest. Such a profile is generic and blends in with the herd.

"Are those the only two choices for my personality?" - Not at all, however to be successful, you do have to brand yourself as one side of some binary.

My favorite example is the overuse of the descriptor, "down-to-earth". What exactly does that mean? For this instance, ambiguity equates to boring.

"WOMEN WITH SMALL BREASTS NEED NOT APPLY" - Oh, well, in that case, total dickwad. He is not looking for someone like you, but for one of the many prostitutes who also linger about OKC and POF. They are the reason why I do not reference sex in my profile in any form.

posted by Ardiril 06 June | 12:21

I am always curious how much of a fuckup I am. Criticism of one's profile is hard to come by, at least from random strangers (as opposed to people who know you and therefore may be inclined to say nice things).

posted by Eideteker 06 June | 12:52

If you mention your improv work, E, early in your profile, you will get positive attention. Also, "show don't tell" works. For example, don't say "I'm honest and loyal", give examples from your life, as in "I'm the kind of guy who returns the money when a cashier gives me too much change." Always think 'action verbs'.

posted by Ardiril 06 June | 13:06

Oh I was going to ask who this gentleman was but then I realized I am too insecure.

My favorite example is the overuse of the descriptor, "down-to-earth". What exactly does that mean? For this instance, ambiguity equates to boring.

Down-to-earth means this person is totally fucking neurotic at least 80% of the time, but that <20% of the time feels like a big deal to them.

posted by fleacircus 06 June | 19:35

The "NEED NOT APPLY" phrase tells you this guy is a (perhaps wannabee) job creator.

posted by Obscure Reference 07 June | 07:03

I fit his criteria:

1. None actually, so not small.
2. No.
3. I'm Spock on ice.
4. No.
5. Not that I know of.

He sounds dreamy, hook me up!

posted by vapidave 07 June | 11:04

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