MetaChat - Shit, fan, timing.

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14 December 2011

Shit, fan, timing. So, I knew this was coming, but where to start? Here goes→[More:] My roommate, I really like her, but I learned early on she was dissociative, aka, had serious child sex abuse issues. Now, I'm in the unique position of knowing A LOT about dissociative stuff, and I was hoping we'd have more time, but, mother of all triggers, her abuser has abused another child at the same age as she was abused. It's a very complicated story, but basically, I have to try and have proper boundaries about this, as I am not her therapist but we have developed a solid friendship, I think, in the little time we have had together.
The thing is, it seems she is using the avoidant coping strategy to deal right now, which she has every right to, but I am very bad with that, as my way of dealing with avoidant coping strategies is avoidant coping strategies. I don't have the regional hegemonic fear of confrontation and often am called upon to be the one who will deal with things head on, but I want to give her space and let her deal however she chooses to, etc. It's complicated as, for instance, she freaked out when I touched her shoulder when she found out (totally expectable but I wasn't thinking) but she has greatly appreciated my forwardness so far in helping her out of inertia (so many stories).
She needs help, now. So does everyone involved. Cat death last week, finals this week, life is suffering and timing waits for no one. I have ridiculous issues of my own to deal with and have to leave tomorrow until at least Monday for serious consequences that are now more of an issue because this has taken priority. I'm able to take care of my own stuff but there is no way I can be unaffected.
In part I'm venting, but if anybody knows of how they deal with avoidant coping, that might help.
Oi, mi vida loca.

post by: ethylene at: 17:07 | 15 comments

Wow, that is a combination of TMI and vague.
At least food has arrived. Oh, cursed cheese food.

posted by ethylene 14 December | 18:35

Whew! Just breath and deal with highest priorities. Be sure and do a realty check of yourself to see that you are able to care for your needs. Oxygen mask first ....
Such a mess and I'm sorry to hear you're juggling so much. HUGS!

posted by mightshould 14 December | 19:54

It's not your job to fix the world. Personally, if a roommate started being my therapist, I would remind her that she is not my therapist.

posted by Doohickie 14 December | 21:36

The point is that she needs a therapist and I am not her therapist. But if she avoids seeking therapy, what the hell can I do?

posted by ethylene 14 December | 21:41

Not to mention that now there is another victim and charges have to be pressed and it's going to be devastating whether she wants to deal with it or not.

posted by ethylene 14 December | 21:53

If you have the interest in and time to locate the local rape crisis center (they usually also offer counseling for adults sexually abused as children), it might be helpful to give her the info for when she's ready. If your local RCC does not offer therapy for adults abused as children, then you could maybe also locate low-cost general counseling in your area and give her that number.

Beyond that, I think respecting her coping mechanisms is a good thing. Avoidance/dissociation/numbness is a good way of riding out things for a while. Forcing someone out of that state is often counter-productive. Letting her know that however she chooses to cope, as long as her coping mechanism does not put her in immediate danger of death, is a normal way of dealing with overwhelming feelings can be helpful and empowering; telling her or implying that she's doing it wrong (e.g., by telling her what she "should" be doing or feeling) tends to recreate the powerlessness she likely felt as an abuse victim.

One should, of course, always respect one's own limits and set boundaries to help with that. A roommate is not a therapist and does not need to be a therapist. Someone suffering, except in extreme circumstance (e.g., about to kill themselves or someone else) is still ultimately responsible for their own wellbeing and for choosing how to be well.

*hugs*

posted by occhiblu 14 December | 22:10

Ugh, talk about being between a rock and a hard place. All I can think you can do is offer a should to cry on (if you want/are able to do that), but continue telling her she needs to talk to someone who is trained in dealing/helping with these sorts of issues. Perhaps look up some resources and let her know of them.

I know my issue with this would be frustration that someone with a problem keeps complaining about it but doesn't do anything to work towards fixing it. My mum was bad with this, but has toned way down in the last couple years (in part because I told her the above). I don't vent about issues because I know the people around me can't help and I don't want to burden them with my problems.

On preview: Reading what I wrote makes me seem cold I think. But I'm not - I was an abused child (sexually, physically, neglect) so I know some of what your friend is going through. I think it's just part of how I was brought up - don't be a burden, stay in the background, keep your mouth shut and my own inborn reticence. Anyway, I don't want to make this thread about me.

I am sorry for what your friend is going through and hope she gets help soon. I'm also sorry that you're in a rough spot right now, ethylene. I hope it gets better soon.

posted by deborah 14 December | 22:16

Oh, I got her the appropriate info, I just can't make her use it. Except I actually can. I just don't know if it's appropriate if I do. She will put up with things and not take action and wait for something else to be the kick in the ass. So I have been that appropriate nudge so far, I just don't know if I should do that now with this.

posted by ethylene 14 December | 22:31

Her mental health is not your responsibility. Nudge if you like, refuse to participate in ways that don't work for you, but don't take it upon yourself to force her into anything.

posted by occhiblu 14 December | 22:36

This is what she is dealing with, too, deborah: don't be a burden, stay in the background, keep your mouth shut
I have no problem being there for her, and I also don't really doubt that things will sort themselves out, eventually. Professionals really have to respect certain boundaries (despite those that don't), but most people don't. People are highly inappropriate on a regular basis. Lately, I've been reveling in it a bit, not being bound by impending regulations and conformity because I am aware of what they are.

I have to take my last final but the servers are down. And right now this bugs me not at all.

Don't worry, occhi, I know it is not really my problem and I have boundaries, not wrapped up in it, etc. Thanks for your opinion, though. I am fine with letting things sort themselves out, but I'd really rather minimize the damage, for myself if nothing else. This isn't like just knowing this happened to someone, it's someone I'm living with, so stuff is directly going to affect me when she starts to lose it. And I'm uniquely prepared for it. It's all rather odd, but so is life.

posted by ethylene 14 December | 22:55

I'm not super worried. :-) Just more giving you the encouragement you deserve to keep yourself ok, regardless of what your roommate decides to do. She is lucky to have you around, however she proceeds and to whatever degree you decide you're ok with helping her.

posted by occhiblu 14 December | 23:05

You know you will probably hear about it if she flips on me and stops being this total sweetheart and turns into this raving, out of control bitch machine. I really doubt that happening, but you never do know. And yet, oddly, know how to deal.
Wow, it could get all sorts of weird in here.
Ok, better stop thinking about that now. One thing at a time.

Now you'll all be waiting for the Bitch Machine! post.

posted by ethylene 14 December | 23:22

Hmmmmm. Well, I'm with Doohickie on this one.
When I've extended care into other folks' business (which frankly this is, whether it peripherally impacts your life or not) I've always come to regret it. And every single time I've thought, dammit, I knew better! So I vote that you save you and your roommate some headaches. Be kind, polite, but don't assume that she wants or needs your help. That's an ego- driven assumption on your part(I know what she should be doing but she's too upset to do it, should I make her?) and possibly far from the truth. Good luck. I'm sorry you're having to live with these reminders of your own difficult past.

posted by toastedbeagle 15 December | 02:01

I am living with my cousin and his girlfriend temporarily, and they are trying to micromanage my healthcare to a deeper level than I personally maintain. It's driving me crazy.

Whenever I protest, they just shrug it off. What is so hard to understand about "The only reasons I would not be able to communicate my situation to a paramedic is if I had a stroke or I'm unconscious from a fall. In either event, my heart problems would be secondary, so just have them take me to the nearest ER."? That hospital, btw, has a cardiac unit more than sufficient to handle an emergency and get me stabilized for transport to a more advanced clinic.

Conversely, when I do indicate little ways they could be helpful, they shrug those off also. I don't dare tell them that the last thing I want is someone out in a waiting room, because that is exactly what they will do regardless.

I don't know if any of that applies to your situation, ethylene, but I just wanted to vent.

posted by Ardiril 15 December | 02:29

Not quite it, tb. I've been studying dissociative disorders, patients, and treatments for a year, not lived it, and we've talked about it some, but just some because it's difficult territory she needs to discuss with a therapist. She is not helpless and aware she can tell me to back off. We live together, we've talked about that. I just haven't brought up therapy since I gave her the info because of the issue with the idea that a person needs to take all the steps themselves.

Psychological terms have specific meanings, no matter how people think they can use them, and psychology is not just "interpretive." I linked dissociation with the main cause of it to make some layman sense but it's specific and complicated.

Vent away. Everyone should feel free to vent in this thread. And talk about how to deal with avoidy people.

posted by ethylene 15 December | 02:53

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