MetaChat - I had a date today. It was ...

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12 November 2011

I had a date today. It was ... →[More:]... the date from HELL!!!

1. He was much older than his picture, and he has really, really bad dentures.

2. He has an incredibly boring job doing something with electrical installations in office buildings. He talked a LOT about this.

3. His other main topic of conversation was his ex-wife and his divorce, including references to her having to live in a Women's Refuge, and him being arrested by the police, but this was nothing to do with domestic violence, oh no, it was because she was a spiteful bitch. The level of hatred and vitriol shocked me. I didn't mention I used to be a family lawyer.

4. He was ignorant beyond belief. Examples:

- "Kindle? Wassat then?"
- "I'm not a racist, but ..."
- "Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against poufs but ..."
- "I thought eHarmony was just for English people."

5. He thinks Phantom of the Opera is the greatest musical ever written. Deal breaker right there, even without any of the above.

6. He didn't ask me a single thing about myself. It was just this non-stop monologue/diatribe.

After I finished my coffee I cut the date short and ran.

I give up. I absolutely fucking well give up. Tomorrow I'm going to the RSPCA to adopt the 62 cats I'll end up with when I'm 75, to save time and reach my destiny quicker.

post by: Senyar at: 14:20 | 41 comments

OH MY GOD, that sounds horrid. I am so sorry. Huge hugs and hugs and hugs from over here.

posted by Stewriffic 12 November | 14:40

I'm not looking so bad after all, eh? ;-)

posted by Ardiril 12 November | 14:56

At least from that smile/grimace pic you posted recently, you have your own teeth.

posted by Senyar 12 November | 15:03

posted by Elsa 12 November | 15:08

Well, that is all pretty horrible, but it seemed pretty clear cut from the get go this guy was not for you. I'm not sure you had to endure it for as long as you did.
I seriously think you should let us go over your dating profile so guys like this wouldn't even bother you. Why would a guy like this think you would be interest in him?

posted by ethylene 12 November | 15:13

I think I just got called "Horseface". heheh

posted by Ardiril 12 November | 15:35

"I'm not a racist, but ..."

My reply would have been, "This is my stop. Goodbye."

posted by Splunge 12 November | 15:37

Why would a guy like this think you would be interest in him?

I'm just guessing that a guy like this doesn't give a damn what anyone else is interested in, but only in himself and what he wants.

posted by Elsa 12 November | 15:46

There was nothing in his profile to suggest he was like this. That's why the algorithm matched us.

He's already texted me asking for another date. He's had the brush-off reply.

posted by Senyar 12 November | 16:02

But was there anything in his profile to recommend him? Or was this completely automated?
I admit I'm really lazy about any "matches" that come my way and not being very active looking, which is probably good as I keep getting people on the other side of the world, but it takes something different or special to get my attention at all.
But since I changed my profile to be a bit more specific and weird, I've been getting more interesting responses, not all of them wanted, but it is some improvement.

Maybe you should have given this guy a gift of insight. Frightening lack of awareness in this world.

posted by ethylene 12 November | 16:17

Oh, man. That sounds absolutely miserable. So sorry, Senyar. Bleah.

posted by BoringPostcards 12 November | 16:18

I am so full of empathy that I can barely type.

posted by JanetLand 12 November | 16:23

Sounds like a dream. When's the wedding? ; )

posted by Pips 12 November | 16:39

Cats are pretty terrific actually...

posted by jessamyn 12 November | 17:26

Well, at least you didn't have to waste your breath upholding any part of the conversation? One-sided monologues can be good for that.....

posted by mightshould 12 November | 17:26

How is it he's still available? Must be some negatives he's hiding.

posted by arse_hat 12 November | 17:35

I met a guy like this via a newspaper ad (the world before online services) and can only tell you that the next guy I met, through the same source, one week later, was my Bear.

You have to sort through some junk before you find your treasure.

Meanwhile, I am very sorry. Ick.

posted by bearwife 12 November | 18:24

Wow he spewed all that info in the time to drink a single cup of coffee?

I guess the good thing about the dating search is that it gets easier to spot the Hell No's, & the emotional/time investment is minimal.

You could look at it like Edison & say well, I've found the nth one who's NOT the one, so I'm getting closer.

posted by chewatadistance 12 November | 18:37

ROTFL #5!

This is why I don't date anyone anymore BEFORE getting to know them first. This means that I don't date anyone, but there's a limit to the absurdities one has to put up with in this life.

posted by Melismata 12 November | 19:55

That aspect of dating always struck me: how some people's getting-to-know-you chitchat sometimes reveals a painfully clear (and often quite ugly) aspect of themselves --- and how completely, blissfully without self-awareness they can be about it.

So true. It's amazing, isn't it?

lI seriously think you should let us go over your dating profile so guys like this wouldn't even bother you.

I don't know that we need to do that on MeCha, but it does seem like something's weird here. So when you receive a 'match,' do you get to look at the other profile and the answers he gave? What's the process that led up to the actual date (any phone or email? Phone is terrific at giving you a quick glimpse before you have to meet in person). Are there areas you can be clearer about what you DON'T want (racists? Non-readers?) I dunno. It just seems like either he was seriously gaming the profile system or something in the profile-review or the 'match' process is amiss.

Sorry, that sounds like a truly miserable time. And yes, in future, you can jump ship much earlier!

posted by Miko 12 November | 20:04

You know, really, cats are pretty cool. You can have a whole wing in the MechaMans where they live.

Sorry it went so poorly. Keep going though, please? Don't give up just yet. K? I'm in the same kinda sinking boat but I know in time, things will only get better. Heh, they have to cause they couldn't get worse.

As for jumping ship earlier? I would have let him know I was a former family lawyer at the exact right time to let him know what I really thought of his vitriol. Honestly, in the end you want the guy to see you for who you are so being up front with your distaste is a good thing.

Hugs!

posted by MonkeyButter 12 November | 22:36

Christ! I'm so sorry!

posted by Specklet 13 November | 01:52

What a putz. I hope he at least paid for the coffee!

posted by deborah 13 November | 02:09

Miko, eHarmony matches you with people after you've filled in a really long and detailed questionnaire. He was a 'flex match', i.e. didn't fit all my criteria, but I didn't know where he didn't fit. He'd obviously tempered his answers down somewhat to be matched with me at all.

I hate talking on the phone, and so I know I wouldn't acquit myself well in that medium.

As for 'jumping ship much earlier', the date lasted for the time it took me to drink my coffee and then I left. He talked non-stop and once he started on the racist stuff, I ended it.

posted by Senyar 13 November | 02:42

Maybe no more flex matches, then?

It's too bad about the phone. That can really save you a lot of time. I really hate talking on the phone myself (and usually avoid answering my phone!) but I made an exception in online dating because I just didn't want to go in cold. I wanted to speak to someone before agreeing to let them see me in person and gather more information about me. But I understand.

It's a weeding-out process. But like others said - nothing at all wrong with cats.

posted by Miko 13 November | 09:52

Metachat: I am so full of empathy that I can barely type.

(Sorry Senyar, I had to do this. Plus, I feel it a very good description of our little place here.)

posted by danf 13 November | 10:55

He'd obviously tempered his answers down somewhat to be matched with me at all.

This seems almost inevitable: the vast majority of racist people [homophobic people/misogynistic people/otherwise intolerant people] I've run into don't think they're racist [or otherwise intolerant], so their answers on most surveys would reflect their mistaken self-image, not reality. It's the rare person who's a self-aware intentional racist.

Or are online dating surveys sufficiently sophisticated to unearth that unconscious stuff? I've never seen one, so I'm just spitballin' here. I've seen some of the OKCupid data-crunching, but it didn't seem super-sophisticated to me.

And I now realize I didn't say it earlier: this sounds like a really awful time and I'm so sorry you were put in that position, Senyar. You're supergroovy and I wish you joy!

posted by Elsa 13 November | 12:52

I just got a message from someone on OKCupid who sent me his picture (which I've anonymised). Does he really think this is going to be attractive to me - or any other woman? Are there really no decent, interesting men in the south-east of England? Warning, possibly NSFW image in above link.

Jeebus Halp Meh!

posted by Senyar 13 November | 13:20

My goodness, you certainly have your pick of charmers this weekend!

posted by Elsa 13 November | 13:24

Well, at least he's not trying to hide anything! I think I'd rather see that than a suspiciously flattering photo (or description).

The date sounded awful, and good on you for cutting and running as soon as you did. I've never done online dating (orchestras FTW), but my friend who recently married a guy she met on match.com did go through quite a few (like, dozens) before she finally found a good one. Not all of the dozens were bad, of course, but most weren't right for her. She regarded it as a game, I think.

posted by altolinguistic 13 November | 13:33

I would not want to date a woman who would respond positively to such a picture. Maybe I should change my profile to read, "Does this picture turn you off? If so, let me buy you coffee."

posted by Ardiril 13 November | 14:01

Sorry to hear that Senyar.

I've had much better luck with Guardian Soulmates than eHarmony, you might want to give that a try. I'm pretty sure someone like that wouldn't sign up for it, at least.

posted by TheophileEscargot 13 November | 14:15

Wow! I'm sorry to say that I laughed at Captain Undies. What does he think that is, Craigslist casual encounters? ;-)

posted by initapplette 13 November | 14:17

What's scary is that these guys honestly think they're going to attract someone if they send a picture like that. Otherwise, they wouldn't do it. Right? Right?!

posted by Melismata 13 November | 16:03

I don't know which is more upsetting: if people do it believing it will get them a date, or if they're doing it because it scratches some other itch and they don't care how the recipient feels.

posted by Elsa 13 November | 16:14

I can't really put myself into the minds of those guys, and anyone who knows my past can tell you I can imagine a lot. Anyway, I have received and/or seen plenty of pictures of women of similar age and older dressed just as skimpily or in less. This is not in any way a one-sided affair.

posted by Ardiril 13 November | 16:15

Throw a chihuahua into the mix, Senyar! They're lovely companions!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 November | 18:20

Does he really think this is going to be attractive to me - or any other woman?
Well, yeah, I guess he does. At least you know where he keeps his socks ;-)

Sorry you had to go through this, but it's probably unavoidable in the on-line dating world where it's so easy for people to represent themselves via their own self-image. You have to kiss a lot of toads etc ...

posted by dg 13 November | 18:42

That picture is snortworthy.

posted by Miko 13 November | 19:28

My aunt recently got married for the very first time (at the age of 70+) to a lovely man she met on Match.com. I can't imagine you not finding someone equally as wonderful as you are.

posted by TrishaLynn 14 November | 10:00

Thanks Trisha.

posted by Senyar 14 November | 13:31

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